“Oh, shit. Look who it is.”
Vinny smiled, “What the fuck is up, nigga? Shit. I ain’t even know you were back. Can't you holla at a nigga? Whassup?”
Shaunie chimed in, “You know what I’m sayin’. If it wasn’t for Big Mama, we wouldn’t have even known you were back. Muthafuckas go out of town without tellin’ anybody and then pop back up like it ain’t shit.”
I stepped out onto the porch, shaking hands with both of them, “Nah, it ain’t like that. I just had to roll out, you know? Shit was gettin’ hard here for me.”
We all took a spot on the porch and sat down as Vinny spoke up, “Yeah, I feel you. I know that shit with Junie was fucked up. And then yo’ ass was in the hospital. We thought you wasn’t gon’ make it out and shit.”
“Nah, I’m here.”
“Yeah, I see. Shit. It ain’t been the same without you here, though. Muthafuckas were like, yo, where Suzie at? Where she at? That’s you, guy, ain’t it? I was like, yeah and shit, you know? But I didn’t even know what to tell them. Shit, I didn’t even know where yo’ ass was at.”
“My bad, Shaunie. I just had to get away. I was in Chicago for a minute.”
“The fuck was you doin’ in Chicago?”
“Some dumb ass shit that I never should’ve been a part of. I went with Quandra’s old thieving ass.”
Vinny’s mouth hung open and he said, “You went with Quandra? The big booty stripper hoe?”
“Yeah. Her ass.”
“Fuck. I can’t believe you went with her. She is known for doing shady ass shit. The fuck you get caught up with her for anyway?”
I looked off to the right as a little boy sped down the block on his bicycle. Two small boys were running as fast as they could after him.
“Yeah. I was just… I don’t know, shit. I was desperate to get the fuck out of Milwaukee for a minute.”
“I feel you.”
Vinny looked towards Shaunie and shook his head, then looked back towards me, “You know Remy been talkin’ mad shit since you got shot up, right?”
“Fuck you mean?”
“Remy. Shit, she was talkin’ ‘bout how you was soft and shit, and you were the reason Junie got shot up.”
I stood up and looked directly at Vinny. “On was she sayin’ that shit? Since when?”
“Since a little after you went to the hospital.”
“Why the fuck you just now tellin’ me?”
“Because, Lyric. Yo’ ass was recovering and shit. I knew you was gon’ try to go out there and find her ass but you could barely fuckin’ walk. I didn’t want to bring that shit to you.”
“Nah, fuck that, Vinny. Fuck that.”
He looked as Shaunie, “I knew I shouldn’t have told her ass.”
“Shaunie, you knew too?” She remained silent as the same boys that ran down the sidewalk reversed and ran past us in the other direction. I asked them again,
“She still be over at Questions?”
Both of them kept quiet.
“I swear to God y’all betta’ start talkin'.”
“Yeah man,” Shaunie spoke up, “she’s still over there. Matter of fact, they havin’ some kinda battle that she is supposed to be in this Friday.”
“Oh, word? Aight. Yeah, I’ma be there then. Shit. Milwaukee thought it was sweet and shit when I was gone, but they gon’ be in for a rude awakening when these hoes see what’s really good.”
Big Mama’s car pulled into the driveway as I stood there, pounding my hands together as I spoke to them. I relaxed as she got out of the car. I didn’t want her to see me worked up because I knew she would question me about it later. She said I had the same attitude as Mama and Mama got it from her, so she did her best to stop the storm before it came.
“I see you finally rolled your lazy behind out of bed.”
“Yeah, Big Mama. I was just tired from the trip.”
She smiled, “Ummm-hmmm, I bet.”
She looked towards Shaunie and Vinny, “Hey, y’all two. Are y’all stayin’ out of trouble?”
They answered at the same time. “Yes, Ma’am!”
“Good, good. That’s what I like to hear.” She turned towards me. “Lyric, baby, I need to talk to you for a minute after you’re done with your friends here.”
“Ok, Big Mama, I’ll be in there in a second.”
She smiled and walked inside the house. I waited until she cleared the front room before I spoke to them again,
“Y’all said Friday, huh?”
Vinny huffed, “Yeah, man. Friday.”
“Y’all rolling?”
Vinny spoke up first, “Shit. I gotta work.”
I looked at Shaunie, who shrugged.
“I’ll roll with you. Remy ass is all talk anyway. She wasn’t doing shit when you was out here walkin’ around and shit. She waited until you got shot up before she started poppin’ off at the mouth.”
“I know. She gon’ get what’s comin’ to her, though, I guarantee that.”
They got up, and I shook both of their hands before they walked off the porch. I can’t believe this shit, I thought as I walked into the house looking for Big Ma. I found her in her room sitting on her bed, her bible open with her highlighter in her hand. I sat and waited until she was finished. She trained me never to interrupt her while she was reading or praying, unless I was dying or something was on fire. I leaned against the dresser and waited for her to get done. As I waited, I gazed at her. The wrinkles on her face began to show a bit more. The crow’s feet on the side of her eyes were more visible now than they were before. Her gray eyes seemed to resemble dark clouds more than the silver lining that clouds have in front of sunshine. She put her highlighter down and closed her bible, staring at me with eyes full of grief.
“Big Ma, what’s wrong?”
She tapped the space next to her on her bed without saying a word. I occupied the space as she reached over and grabbed my hand, clenching it tightly. I looked down at the wrinkles on her hand, her light skin making the blue veins completely visible. I didn’t rush her to speak. On her dresser, there was a picture of her and my Grandad. He passed away when I was 19, and he was the only example of a man I had in my life. Big Ma said I got my heart from him. The strong-willed part of it. The way I didn’t back away from challenges or a fight and never gave up. Just thinking about that made me regret leaving Milwaukee in the first place.
“I had a doctor’s appointment today,” she finally spoke.
I felt my stomach turn.
“I had a lump in my breast for quite some time, but I never got it checked out. I figured it would go away on its own, you know?”
Tears began to form in my eyes, but I turned my head away from her.
“Turns out, it's cancer.”
I shook my head slowly from left to right in disbelief of what I was hearing. I turned towards her and not a single tear was in her eyes.
“Now, baby, it’s not the end. Ok? I don’t want you to think that it’s the end. This is a new chapter in Big Mama’s life, ok?”
Tears fell out of my eyes in streams, “What do you mean, Big Mama?”
“I’m taking chemotherapy. I start tomorrow, and it’s going to help me in the process.”
“Big Mama, no. No, this can’t be happening right now.”
I bent over and covered my face as the tears fell from my eyes like April rain. She reached over and put her arms around me. I heard her sniffle, but she tried to keep it hidden the best she could.
“Baby, Big Mama is gonna be alright, ok? The Lord knows what’s best, and if this is the path He has chosen for me then this is the path I’m going to walk down, hear?”
I responded in tears as she squeezed me tighter.
“Big Mama is going to be ok, Lyric. Alright? Big Mama is going to be ok.”
I raised my head up. “Big Mama, what am I going to do if you’re not, though, huh? What am I going to do? I don't have anybody else left here. It’s just you.”
Her face was fill
ed with sorrow that wasn’t there when we first began talking. I believe it was more because of my reaction than the Doctor’s diagnosis.
“Baby, you have the good Lord here. He will never leave you or forsake you; you gotta know that, alright? You gotta know that.”
I buried my head into her chest and cried harder. What she was saying was going in one ear and out the other. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe in the Lord, it was just that I couldn’t believe that He would allow this to happen. I couldn’t fix my mind to think that she would be all right, and the faith that she had was not in me. I put my arms around her and held her tight like I could keep her in this spot forever. Like my squeeze would keep cancer in one place and not progress. It was all make believe, though, and no matter how I looked at it, it felt like the Lord was picking on me. He was rapidly taking away the people that were crutches in my life, and it was that moment that my resentment began. As my head rested on her chest, I felt her tear splash onto the back of my neck. It was at that moment that I believe she knew her life was coming to an end, and it broke my heart even more.
Chapter 9
Friday came faster than I expected. I was helping Big Mama around the house so much that she almost had to push me away from her.
“Girl, get on outta here! I don’t need you to feed me! I’m sick, but I can still work my limbs.” She waved her arm as if she was going to swing at me. “Now get on out of here! You got places you need to be!”
“Big Mama, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Why not?”
“I need to stay here with you.”
“No, you don’t! Stop smothering me! Girl, get on out this house and have fun with your friends! You just make sure you’re careful. I need you back here in once piece!”
I laughed, “Big Mama, I’m just trying to make sure you’re alright.”
“Baby, you’ve done plenty! You’ve been cooking for me, and you’ve been up cleaning this house before I could even get up myself. Big Mama appreciates that, but now, you’re smothering me! Get on out of here before you drive me crazy!”
I laughed and kissed her on the forehead before I left her in her room. She already started losing her hair from the chemotherapy, but I showed her how to tie a bandanna around her head fashionably. It was incredible to me how she kept her strength through it all. That bible stayed near her, even in the midst of the sickness she was facing. It said a lot about who she was and the God she served, but it didn’t resonate with me. I was still angry that He even allowed it to come to this.
Big Mama had gotten me a new phone to replace the one I broke. I told her I dropped it when I was getting off the greyhound, and it shattered. She still didn’t know that I had been raped in Chicago. Nobody knew. I just wanted to bury it along with everything else that happened while I was there. It only took me a little while to get ready. I threw on some tight jeans, a fitted t-shirt, and a snapback. I wasn’t trying to be fancy, but I still wanted to make sure I had everyone’s attention. I walked back into Big Mama’s room to check on her before I left. Just that fast, she was sound asleep. I took her plate off her table and kissed her on the forehead. I started to tear up, but I controlled myself, not giving them the chance to fall.
Shaunie was already outside waiting for me when I stepped on the porch. I took a deep breath and walked to the car.
“You ready?” She asked.
“Yup. Let’s go.”
The club was deep in the hood on Milwaukee’s north side. The line was already stretching out the door when we showed up. Women dressed in skimpy dresses and short skirts were scattered throughout the line as men crowded around them like vultures.
“I’m not tryin’ to wait in line.”
“Shit, what you wanna do then?”
I looked at the line again, “Drive around to the back.”
We drove past the club and went down the alley to the back of the club. Two men stood outside guarding the entrance when I got out. I was hoping Block, one of the guys I had known before I stopped rapping, would be on the door. Everybody called him Block because of how big he was. His shoulders were wide as a city block, and he was built like one as well. He flicked his cigarette to the side as I walked up to the door.
“Aye,” he said in a deep, calloused voice, “this entry ain’t for y’all. I don’t give a fuck how thick you is.”
I walked up closer, moving from out of the shadows and standing under the dim light that hung atop of the back door.
“Suzie? Oh, shit. Suzie Muthafuckin’ Rock.”
“What up, Block?”
“Shit.”
He shook hands with me and said, “Where the fuck you been?”
“I been around.”
“You ain’t been around here. Muthafuckas ain’t seen you since Junie ass got popped, RIP.”
“Yeah, I know. I had to take some time away from shit and cool down.”
“I feel you. So, what’s up? You tryin’ to get in?”
“Yeah. I’m good for it?”
“You know you good for it. Just have yo’ gal park the car in that lot, though. She can’t leave that shit right there… with her fine ass.”
Shaunie got back into the car and moved it down to the parking lot not too far from the door.
“Remy here?”
“Nah, not yet. You must’ve heard what she said about you.”
“Hell yeah, you know what I’m sayin’. I just wanna set some shit straight tonight.”
“I feel you but aye, I’m lettin’ you in this muthafucka so don’t go in there causin’ no shit, though.”
“Block, you know me.”
“Exactly. Why the fuck you think I said that?”
Shaunie walked back up to us as we stood in front of the door. Block looked at her like he was interested but too shy to say anything to her. He stood to the side and opened the door for us to walk in. As Shaunie walked a few feet in front of me, I whispered in his ear.
“I’ll put in a word for you, bro.”
“My nigga.”
He said as he shook my hand with a big kool-aid smile plastered across his face.
We walked down the back hallway as we heard a crowded building in the front. I didn’t want to go out there because I didn’t want anybody to notice me until I did what I came to do. I stopped as Shaunie was making her way out to the front. She turned to look at me.
“Whassup?”
“I’ma chill back here for now.”
“Ok.”
She cracked the door open that led to the front, watching the crowd fill the room.
“Well, I’ma chill out there and shit. I’m slayin’ too hard to be chillin’ in the back unseen.”
I laughed, “Aight, that’s cool.”
“When you ready to go, just let me know.”
“Aight.”
She went out the door as I stayed in the back, looking for an area to chill until the show started. Moments later, Block came down the hall.
“Block?”
“Whassup?”
I looked around, almost hesitant to ask him, “Is Big Tuck still around here?”
“Yeah. Tuck still be around. Why?” He looked at me with a cold stare.
“I’m just askin'.”
“I hope that’s all you doin’ is just askin’. Don’t fuck with that nigga, Suz. It’s death all over that.”
I brushed him off, “Thanks, Block.”
He shook his head and walked down the hallway as I faded back to the spot I was in. Everybody in the city had Big Tuck as this untouchable muthafucka’, but I knew there was a way to him. There had to be. Every man, no matter how powerful he is, has his weakness. Sometimes, it just takes a little digging to find out what it is. I sat in one of the back rooms on a stool, leaning against the wall. I could clearly see the back door and everybody who came through it. It wasn’t much longer before Remy came in.
She had a look on her face as if she owned the world. She was dark skinned; long, black hair hung down to the middle o
f her back. The gloss on her lips shined bright under the dim lights as she walked down the hallway with a handful of people. She didn’t notice me tucked away in the corner as I stayed in my seat, watching her moves. This bitch, I thought, wanting to confront her right there but I restrained myself. They walked past the room I was in and went a little further down the hallway. I felt Junie sitting in the room with me, urging me to do what I came to do.
“Rip that shit up, Lyric. Rip it the fuck up.”
It wasn’t long until I heard them call her to the stage. The crowd cheered for her as I crept out of my room, Junie right behind me. Block walked past and I grabbed his arm.
“Aye, let me get on stage.”
“Let you get on stage?”
He asked like it was the craziest thing in the world. “You gon’ have me fuck around and lose my job with that shit, Suzie.”
“Trust me, Block. Muthafuckas are gonna be talkin’ about this shit for months. Just make sure I get on stage uninterrupted. That’s it. Please, Block.”
“Aight Suzie, damn! You better be doin’ some epic ass shit for this! Fuck!” He sighed as he loomed in front of me, seemingly tall enough to brush the ceiling with his head.
I threw my arms around him. “Thank you, Block! Oh, one more thing… can you get me a mic?”
“God-damn, Lyric! You askin’ for a lot!”
“Last thing, I promise. I’ll remember you for this.”
“Remember me by hookin’ me up with yo’ fat booty ass friend.”
“Consider it done.”
“Yeah, yeah… look, when you tryin’ to do this shit?”
“As soon as possible.”
He looked up and down the hallway. “Aight, come on, shit. We are going now.”
We walked down the hallway and made our way to the stairs at the back of the stage. If Block wasn’t with me, I would’ve been stopped well before I got this far. Remy was on stage in the middle of her verse as we stood on the bottom step. The crowd was into it as my heart began racing like it was the first time I started rapping. My mind flashed back to high school when I was at the lunch table, the first time I freestyled in front of Junie and his friends. I remembered the feeling I had after I was done and how everybody went crazy over what I said. I saw Junie’s smile. The dimples that pushed his cheeks all the way in. His earrings sparkling like his smile.
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