by Kara Hart
But I wish he had a father to help take care of him. I wish he had someone who could take him to the park when I couldn’t. Someone who could toss a football around with him, or play with his action figures. Shit, I wish there could be someone who could compete with him on that stupid PlayStation that I hate. The whole thing just isn’t fair.
I know that Walker wasn’t the one. I shouldn’t have gone through with my fantasy. This is what I get, right? But I can’t help but think about him at night, even six years later. I see him in Aidan. I’m doomed to always be around him, and yet never be close enough to actually talk to him. All I want is to ask him, “Why didn’t you call me? Why’d you lie? You never came back for me.” I feel so desperate even saying this. I need help.
17
Walker
“Here’s your weapon,” Hawk says, sliding a pistol across the table. “Go ahead. Hold it in your hand. Get a feel for it. It could save your life.”
I pick it up, reluctantly and hold it in front of me, at Hawk. I envision what it would be like to fire a round straight at him. He flips his lid. “Put it down!” he screams. “Are you fucking joking me, mate?”
“Sorry,” I laugh. “Just getting a feel for it.”
“Yeah, you’re really testing my patience,” he says, turning red.
Edward jumps in and throws his arm around my shoulder. “This here’s my brother, Hawk. We’re going to kill these wankers together, massive.”
“Sure,” he says, waving him off. “I should hope so. If you don’t, there will be repercussions.”
“We hear you,” I say. “There won’t be any blunders. We’ll shut them down for good.”
“Godspeed,” he says, lighting up a cigar. “Give them hell.”
Edward and I have been over the plan nearly all day. He’ll go into the shop first, asking for a beer. They’ll serve him, although Edward stands out a little. They’ll ask him where he’s from. “London,” he’ll say. Where? They’ll ask again. “Kings Cross,” he’ll reply. “Over at Goldsmith College.”
“They’ll make me out as an art pooft,” he says. “They’ll poke fun. They’ll serve me a pint and get under our skin.”
“And that’s when I come in?” I ask.
“Guns fucking blazing,” he smiles. “Pow, pow, pow.”
I give him a sour look. “Bollocks,” I laugh. “No shooting, remember?”
“Right, right,” he nods. “Fine then. You’ll hold your gun proudly, but get ready to fight if you have to.”
“I’m ready,” I say. “I’ll do fucking anything to get home.”
“Right. To see that lady friend of yours?” he laughs. “Fuck, man. You’re off your head.”
We take a car down to London and it takes a good two hours. Once we’re in Dalston, the moon is out. It’s full tonight, which doesn’t help calm my nerves. I’m not superstitious, but I also don’t like to take chances on these things.
Erica. I’m doing this for you.
He walks into the old pub and I can hear the commotion coming from inside. One of the windows reveals the reactions from the drinkers. “Outsiders not welcome,” a sign reads inside. On the telly, Manchester is playing West Bromwich Albion. Fuck, coming here brings back memories. I hate it.
I look around me and see all the old sights. Only, so much has changed since I’ve last been back here. Suddenly, I hear the sound of glass crashing against the bar. I snap out of my nostalgia and run into the bar. I grab my pistol and keep it pointed in front of me. One of the men has Edward in a headlock, but he doesn’t see that good old Edward is reaching for his gun.
“Alright, settle down!” I scream, firing a round off into the air. That wasn’t part of the plan, but they’re the kind of people who won’t listen. Suddenly, everyone stops. The guy even lets go of Edward, who now has joined me in pointing pistols.
“Everybody against the fucking wall!” he screams, with a big smile plastered on his face.
All this just to get back to the woman I adore. Fuck, I’d do more than this if I had to. She’s worth it.
All eight of them line up against the wall. “Come on now!” Edward yells. “Show some enthusiasm. Let’s see those smiles.”
“From here on out,” I say. “This place is finished. No more dealings on the north side of Manchester. That’s our ends. I know, you’re feeling gutted right now. That’s the fucking point.”
The deal is we eliminate everyone of these bastards, but I told Edward he can’t do it as long as I’m around. I promised him ten grand to comply, so naturally he agreed. Still, he’s not about to leave the place with them on our backs. I hear him cock the damn pistol and open fire. “No!” I scream, but it’s too late. All eight of them are on the floor, crying like babies.
“Don’t worry, chap. I got them in the shins. It’s less than what they’d do to us,” he laughs. “Come now! Let’s get that money.”
We run into the back, where a tall safe is. He blasts it open and grabs all of the money. “One hundred large,” he smiles. “Beautiful.”
We’re out of there within two minutes and we jump in the car. I’m almost home. I’m so close I can taste it. The warm breeze. The feeling of freedom beneath my feet. Fuck, it’s all I want.
She’s all I want, dammit.
18
Erica
“Look.” Renata sits me down, while Aidan runs around her house. Her new boyfriend is at work, allowing me some time with my old friend. “You can’t stay hung up on the guy. He was here and now he’s gone. Sometimes, that’s just how it works out. That’s life, Erica.”
I hate when she says my name in that way of hers, like she knows better than me. She’s made some okay choices, but so did I. At least, at one point I did.
“Ren, I know that he’s not coming back. That’s not the point,” I tell her. “You try having a child with someone who runs out on you and tell me you don’t wish someone would help out every now and then. It’s been so damn hard. I hate even admitting that to you. It’s so embarrassing.”
She moves next to me and begins massaging my shoulders and tickling her fingers down my back. I close my eyes and relax a little. “You have me,” she smiles. “I’ll always be there to help my best friend out. You know that, right?”
“Thank you,” I say. “I mean it. It means a lot to us.”
“Mom, look!” Aidan says, running wildly with one of his action figures. He makes a loud explosion noise with his mouth and presses a button on the back of the figure. Small missile-like plastic pieces come shooting out of it.
“Wow, Aidan!” I exclaim, trying to be supportive. I’ve never liked my child playing with guns, or anything related to them, but I feel like right now I need to be supportive. He knows something is off in me and he’s been talking about his dad a lot. Too many questions are going unanswered.
“I see Walker in him,” I admit. “It’s almost impossible not to. He’s in Aidan’s nose and his hair. Sometimes, I even hear it in his voice, weirdly enough.”
“Aidan is speaking British?” she asks me.
I laugh a little. “Okay, maybe not his voice. But you understand. He needs a father figure in his life,” I say.
“You’re a strong woman,” she squeezes my arms. “You don’t need a man in your life. Don’t let that myth penetrate your mind like that. You got this, girl.”
“Ren, he’s been asking a lot of questions. He’s growing so goddamn fast. He’s a million times more intuitive than I am,” I say. “I don’t know what to tell him. I can’t tell him that his father is some British guy with an odd job who left me before I could tell him I was pregnant. The whole thing is just so stupid.”
“An escort,” she corrects me.
“He wasn’t an escort,” I groan. “He provided services, other than sex.”
“You know what I mean,” she gives me a knowing eye. “I mean, I can’t pretend I wasn’t curious. If you didn’t have such a thing with him, I’d have probably called him.”
We both stare at
each other for a few seconds, with serious looks on our faces. Then, out of nowhere, we realize the hilarity of the situation. We both start cracking up, laughing incredibly loud.
“What’s so funny?” Aidan asks, across the hall.
“Nothing, sweetie. Your mom made a little joke,” Renata snorts.
“Yeah, the joke is my life,” I whisper, giggling still.
“Whatever, that’s the point of living,” she says. “Seriously, if life wasn’t so embarrassing, you’d never push yourself to move forward. Trust me on this. In five years, you’ll look back and realize you did everything you should have done. You brought Aidan into this world. Beautiful, charming, handsome Aidan. That’s your kid, girl! Look how happy he is, right now.”
We both turn and look at Aidan, who’s now humming to himself, still idly playing with his toys. He’s got the biggest smile on his face that pulls on my heartstrings.
“You’re right,” I tell her. “He’s not coming back and that’s not a bad thing. If he did ever come back, I would just… well, I’d kick him in the shin!”
“You’re damn right!” She claps her hands onto her thighs. “And his balls too!”
“You’re twisted,” I laugh.
“Sadistic.” She shrugs. “I just want to look out for you, baby. You’re my girl to the end.”
“I love you, Ren. I’m so lucky to have you as a friend,” I smile. “I feel like my luck is about to turn around. Like, I really feel it inside my bones.”
“That’s because it is. This is your time. Now, own it,” she says.
It’s funny how one thing can sort of set you free. One phrase, one small action, one word even can make you feel like you’re about to change your whole life around. It starts with your outlook, I guess.
Walker isn’t coming back and that’s okay. In the end, I don’t want him back in my life anyway. The whole thing was weird to begin with. The boyfriend experience? I mean, come on. Give me a break. The whole thing is cheesy.
I take Aidan home and give a sigh of relief. “Mom?” he asks me. “You’re happy aren’t you?”
“I am, baby,” I smile. “I’m really happy?”
“You’re not sick anymore?” he asks. He got over his flu faster than I did.
“No, sweetie-pie. I’m feeling better than ever,” I tell him. No more sadness. No more feeling down. From this day forward, I promise I’ll make the most of my life because, all in all, I have it fucking made.
19
Walker
All it takes is some extra cash, a fake passport, and an alias change to really start your new life out right. A plane ride and a few scotches later, and I’m home, back in America. The sun is shining and there’s no shitty flats in sight. I don’t have a home yet, but I have an account open in my new name and all my money is waiting patiently for me in there.
Life is good. Well, it will be once I talk to her. The thing is, I’ve been outside her place for hours, just waiting for the right moment to come in. I can’t bring myself to do it. She comes outside at around 1PM to check the mail and my heart starts pumping my blood full of endorphins. It’s enough to make my head spin. The hairs rise up around my body and I feel this intense passion for her. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s completely debilitating.
She’s more beautiful than I remember. In six years, I think she’s gone down in age. It’s unsettling because I can’t help but need her even more than I did before I left. I can’t bear to knock on her door. What would I say? “Hey, remember me? Remember the guy who left you high and dry?”
No, I can’t see her. Not yet, at least. It’s too soon. I’m too fucking nervous. God, I can’t believe I’m even saying something so absurd. I turn the key in my ignition and I speed out of the picturesque neighborhood. When I get back to my apartment, I fall down on my mattress and look around at the empty room I’m currently stuck in.
At least she’s not with anybody. Oddly enough, her life seems about the same as it did when I left. That’s a good thing, but I wonder if she hates me. Another part of me wonders whether or not she forgot about me completely.
The whole time I was in England, I was forced to do work that was unsatisfying and often times had to be dealt with a level of caution. My life became a tunnel of darkness. I had nowhere to run, no one to talk to, and no one I could depend on. There was only Hawk, my boss, and the scariest man I’ve ever come to know. I’m lucky he didn’t torture me when I arrived.
Erica was my only guiding light. I thought about her every single day and night. When I slept, I could only dream about her. It seems almost impossible that someone could fall in love so hard after one night. I could barely believe it myself. But when it happens to you, it’s the only thing you want to latch onto. Life becomes banal. It turns into an utter bore. And if you’re denied that love by outside forces, you want nothing more but to tear away what’s holding you back.
Hawk is on the peripheral right now, but he won’t be lost forever. It’s only a matter of time until Edward talks to Hawk and tells him what happens. Money only goes so far, for so long. Protection doesn’t last forever unless you keep making payments.
But I’m not afraid of him right now. After six years of being back home, I’m used to getting chased down and avoiding absolute danger. Now, the only thing I’m afraid of is whether or not the love of my life will take me back. If she doesn’t, I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll lose it. I’ll go completely insane.
As sad as it is, seeing her today for one measly second was the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in a long time. She’s the apple of my eye. She’s like the first sun after a long winter. She makes me have hope again. I have to keep fighting for her. It’s the only thing keeping me going.
20
Erica
“I don’t have to go to school, right? I can stay home with you again, Mom,” Aidan smiles, showing off his small, white teeth. He’s not going to win with me today. He’s going to school. As for me, Jake has demanded that I stay home another day. Apparently he’s a real germaphobe, which is fine by me. I can work on the new accounts at home, anyway.
“You’re going to school, mister. You’re going to like it too!” I reach out and start tickling him wildly and he screams, trying to get out of my grasp. “This is what happens to bad little boys! They suffer the wrath of getting tickled to death!” I laugh wildly.
“Okay! Okay! I’ll go to school. I’m sorry!” he squeals. I stop ticking him and he rolls across the carpet, breathing quickly. “I want to see Sam, anyway. I miss my friends.”
“Well, there you go,” I walk toward the car and he follows behind. When we’re in the driveway, I can’t help but notice a minivan parked near our house. There are almost never any cars in this neighborhood that I don’t recognize, but it’s not that weird I suppose. Still, like the mom I am, I usher Aidan into the car. “Come on baby, get in the car. We’re going to be late.”
At school, he jumps out almost immediately. “Bye Mom!” he says, running full speed toward the door. I don’t even get a kiss goodbye, but it’s okay. He’s growing up so damn fast. It’s really shocking to see. I’m just glad he’s excited about going to school for once.
When I get home, there’s that minivan parked in front of my house. A man in a grey hoodie is staring back at me and it’s so odd because he’s got a familiar air to him. I can barely even see him, but it’s like looking at the ghost of someone I once knew.
I try to ignore it and walk inside, but I just keep staring out of the window. I figure, if this guy doesn’t leave my neighborhood in one hour, I’m going to call the police. There’s no reason for someone to sit outside of someone’s home for that long.
Of course, after about ten minutes, I can’t control myself. My curiosity gets the best of myself. I walk outside with my phone in my hands and yell, “Hello? Do you need something?” It’s as nice as I can ask, before shouting, “I’ll call the police if you sit near my driveway!”
It’s totally irratio
nal of me and I know it, but that doesn’t stop me from actually doing it. Still, he’s just sitting there, head facing directly at me, shielded by the tint of the minivan. Finally, I walk up to the window and knock on it. “Hello? Do you hear me? I’m calling the police!”
He rolls down the window, but he’s faced away from me. And then I hear his voice. It’s deep. It’s familiar. It’s… “Erica?” he asks. Fuck. This can’t be possible. No, it’s definitely impossible. What the hell is going on here? Did someone slip something into my water this morning?
“Walker?” I say his name as if none of this is real. I must be stuck in a dream, I reason with myself. What other explanation is there?
“Before you say anything, I just want to say that I’m sorry. I—”
Oh, fuck this. “You bastard!” I smack his arm from inside the vehicle. “You complete douchebag! You think you can just come back to me after six years?”
I wait for his answer. I’ve been waiting for this response for, well, six years now. At this point, it feels like a lifetime of waiting. The reality starts to come into full scope. Aidan. What in God’s name am I going to tell my little boy? Surprise, baby. Your daddy has decided to come home after all! Fuck. No.
“You don’t understand what my life has been like over there,” he says. “If you did, you wouldn’t be slapping my arm right now. Come now. Listen.”