by Kara Hart
With the beef simmering and the sauce on a low heat, he comes back across the bar of my kitchen and sits next to me. “So, I know you hate me,” he starts, “but you don’t know how good it feels to be back here, with you. To be next to you… God, it’s like an early Christmas present. I feel so fucking blessed.”
It feels good for me too, obviously. I haven’t felt the presence of a man like him in so fucking long. In fact, this is the first time I’ve had any men over. “I don’t hate you,” I say. “I just don’t understand it.”
“Understand what?” he asks me, sipping on his wine. “Why I left?”
“No, it’s not that,” I sigh. Okay, it’s time to ask him what I’ve been wanting to ask him for years. “Why didn’t you call me? You said you would call me.” I feel choked up even asking him. I breathe through my nose slowly, trying to keep the tears at bay. As a mother, I’ve managed to become an expert at this.
“You’re right,” he says. “I fucked up. I didn’t know how to find you again. I lost all of my contacts when I went overseas, but it’s no excuse. I should have called.”
“You don’t understand,” I say. “You can’t begin to understand.”
I let a few tears fall from my eyes. There’s no use in holding back. He places his warm, strong hand against my cheek. He moves it up into my hair and I feel his fingers run through the thick strands. “Try and make me understand. Teach me to understand,” he says. But he has no idea. He doesn’t know about Aidan and how hard it’s been to give him a decent life. I’m always at work. He needed someone to be there for him and all he had was me.
“I—” The words are impossible to get out. I’m so close to telling him the truth about my situation, but it’s so hard to let myself do it.
“Tell me,” he says, gazing into my eyes. I’m still struggling, so I close my eyes. I allow myself to get calm and then I open my eyes and I do the unthinkable.
I let my body direct me. With tears streaming down my face, I feel gravity pull me. My lips crush against his. I smell him, I taste him, oh fuck how I’ve missed him. I pull away and open my eyes.
“I want to tell you something,” I say, choking on my words. “But it’s not going to pretty. It hasn’t been pretty for me, quite frankly.”
“I’m all ears,” he says, opening his eyes, in a daze. “Tell me anything.”
“The boy,” I choke even harder. “The boy you met yesterday.”
His eyebrows rise with confusion. “Your friend’s child? The little bloke?”
“The little bloke,” I repeat. “That little ball of sunshine…”
Fuck, why is this so hard to say? Why can’t I just come out with it?
“What about him?” he backs away a little, which makes it even harder to spit out. The beef starts to burn. I can smell it. But he’s not turning away from this. He knows something serious is happening. He probably knows exactly what I’m going to say, but does he know Aidan is his son too?
“He’s my son,” I cry. “He’s my son. He’s my son. He’s my beautiful boy.”
He pulls his hand away from my hair. He’s startled. It’s obvious. Men are always like this when they find out the consequences of their actions. “You met someone else after me?” he asks. It’s not registering for him. “Who was it? No, forget I even asked. It’s not like I’d know him anyway.”
“That’s all you have to say?” I ask him.
“I don’t mind that you have a son. I just wish you would have told me,” he says.
“You wish I would’ve told you? What? Am I supposed to tell you everything that’s happened in the last six years, in full detail? Mind you, you didn’t even bother to fucking call me once when you were over there!” I yell.
“Mom?” Aidan asks from his room. I close my eyes hard, as if that’ll solve all of my problems. Just shut it all out, dammit.
“Mommy’s okay, baby! Sorry for yelling,” I say. Walker looks at the hallway to his room and then back at me.
“Wait a minute,” he says. “How old is he?”
“He’s five years old,” I tell it to him straight. “He grows faster every day.”
He moves out of his chair and runs his hand through his hair, pacing the kitchen. “You’re lying,” he says. “You must be lying.”
“I’m not lying, Walker,” I say. “You shouldn’t have come back.”
“The boy,” he says, staring at me with a look that’s both angry and sad. “I left six years ago!”
“You did,” I say.
“He’s mine, isn’t he?” he asks, keeping a fixed gaze on me. “No. It’s impossible. We were safe. I remember it.”
“Condoms break,” I tell him. “Shit happens. Life happens. And then you get left with everything beautiful and awful, all at once.”
He moves toward me again. “I wish I had known,” he says. “Fuck, what have I done?”
“What have you done?” I get pissed. “You brought the most beautiful little boy into this world. But don’t you worry. I don’t expect you to stick around. I don’t want you as his father, anyway.”
“You can’t just kick me out of his life like this,” he says. “I didn’t know. I had no way of knowing. Let me see him.”
He starts walking toward the hallway. “Don’t you dare!” I tell him. “That isn’t your right. You can’t just walk into my home and do whatever you like.” The beef is completely burnt. The sauce has turned into a goopy, hardened mess. The pasta is way past done. I turn off all the heat and angrily run after him.
It’s too late. Aidan hears that something is going on outside and he gets curious. “What are you weirdos doing out here?” he asks, walking out into the hallway. Walker and I stop and I’m just staring at him, wondering if the world is about to implode on me.
“Hey there, big guy!” Walker says, kneeling down. “Remember me?”
“Yes,” he says, glancing at me to see if it’s okay. I can’t even react. The whole situation was doomed to begin with. I should have never allowed him into my home, but I had to tell him.
“What’s your name?” Walker asks Aidan.
“Aidan and I’m five years old,” he says.
“Five?!” Walker exclaims. “Man, you’re an old bugger, aren’t you?”
“I’m not old!” Aidan laughs. “I’m just a kid!”
“Well, I don’t know. You look old to me,” he says. “Have you been taking care of your mom well?”
“Yes. And I finished all of my homework so I can play video games all night. It’s allowed,” he says.
Walker cocks his head at me. “Kids this young play video games now?”
I shrug, feeling utterly defeated. “They do a lot of crazy shit,” I say.
“Mom!” Aidan yells, angrily. “You owe a dollar to the swear jar.”
“Okay, sweetie. I’m sorry.” I fake a smile and pull out a dollar. It’s been done. Walker has found his way to Aidan and of course, he’s doing a bang-up job. That’s not the point, though. The point is, he can’t just keep doing what he wants without asking me first. This is my boy. I raised him with my own hands and he came out of me. I went through nine months of hell to get him here, all by myself. I deserve a little respect.
Walker stands up and turns to me. “He looks just like me,” he whispers.
My eyes widen. “Please,” I whisper. “Don’t tell him. It’s not fair for you to let him know.”
“I want to be here,” he whispers. “I deserve to be here. I want to help you. I have money. Let me help.”
“Just. Stop. For a second, please,” I say. I turn back to Aidan. “Go back to your room, baby. Okay?”
“Okay,” he shrugs
“Nice to meet you, Aidan!” Walker calls out with a big smile.
Aidan waves and runs into his room, stomping. Walker turns to me and I’ve got all the rage in the world right now, though it’s not all his fault. I brought him over here. I knew what might probably happen. I think maybe, just maybe I wanted it to happen. I don’t know anymore.
“I’m so sorry, Erica,” he says. “You don’t know how badly I wanted to come home all these years. I never had the chance. I couldn’t find a way.”
“You could have called. You could have written. You had options. I didn’t have shit. I wasn’t given the same choices. I had to carry a fucking baby inside me for nine months by myself. Do you know how that felt? Do you even care?” I’m shaking. I’m livid. I just want to make the pain go away, but it’s incredibly hard to let it all go.
“I can’t imagine what you went through. I don’t intend to justify my actions. I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong, Erica,” he says. “But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going to end up in London again. That was the worst six years of my life. I’m here now. I’m with you.”
He walks toward me, slowly. He places his hand around my waist. I gulp down, feeling my body betray me as always. I get flashbacks from that first night, in the women’s room, together. It was so wrong, yet so exciting. He was so charming and wild, and dangerous. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted him, but I wanted to experience something different. God, those were different times. I miss it so much.
I think that’s why I accept what’s about to happen. That kiss earlier. I’ve been searching for something as warming as that and he has too. “Did you have any women over there?” I ask him. “Tell me the truth. I’m done being angry.”
He frowns. “I didn’t have anything worthwhile over there. No women. No vices. Just heartache and pain. I just dreamed of you the whole time and getting back to where I was,” he says. “I swear, Erica. Some nights, I would lay in bed and I could smell your scent. To this day, I remember the way you felt, the way you talked, the scent of your perfume. God, I’ve missed you. Don’t you miss me?”
“Yes, but… it’s so fucking hard, Walker. I can’t trust you anymore,” I say.
“Do you trust me right now?” he asks, hand sliding down the front of my jeans. I’m wet. So fucking wet. I haven’t felt this way in years. I tremble with passion, with fear, and with the understanding that this is all so wrong, and yet, I can’t turn away.
“No,” I whisper. “I don’t trust you.”
His fingers spread my wetness around my clit. He slowly moves two fingers inside of me, massaging against my g-spot. “Good,” he whispers.
Our lips meet and everything just feels so fucking good. His free hand moves toward my breasts and with such wild passion, he grabs them, while kissing me tenderly. “I want to be inside you again,” he growls. “I want to fuck you senseless.”
The whole thing scares me, I’ll admit. But that’s where the excitement comes in. He slides the button on the front of my jeans through the hole. It pops out. I do the same for him. Only the two zippers are standing in the way of us now, but when I look at where we are, I have to rethink everything. Mom problems…
“Come,” I say, putting my finger to his lips. “Shh…”
I pull him into my bedroom, down the other end of the hallway, and hurriedly lock the door behind us. He slams my back against the wall and rips my jeans off. I slip out of my shirt and watch as he undresses himself. He quickly comes back to me sliding his fingers back inside me, finger-fucking me against the wall.
“You bastard,” I moan, closing my eyes. “You son of a bitch.”
“Let it all out,” he says. “Because I’m the son of a bitch who’s going to make you squirm.”
“Fuck,” I moan, looking down at him. He’s got me balanced against the wall and he’s waiting for my pussy.
“Give me that cunt,” he says with a filthier mouth than I remember him having.
He wraps his mouth around me and kisses my wetness. I’m fucking throbbing. I’m angry. And I’m ready to unleash all of my pent-up rage and melancholic fury. I’ve been wound so tight these last few years. I haven’t had an orgasm in years, but feeling his whole mouth around me and seeing his strong body hold me against the wall, while I sit on his fucking face, turns me on to no end.
There’s no point in dragging this out. This is as raw as it can get. I feel his tongue slide all around my pussy and my ass, and I just let it all go. I’m aching and it feels like pins and needles all around my body. Soon, it becomes all the more intense. It’s so intense that I can’t hold it down. “I’m going to cum,” I whisper. “Oh, fuck me.”
“You taste so fucking sweet,” he says. That’s the line that nearly shoots me out of my body.
I can barely hold on, but he’s got me in his grasp. My body shakes and my pussy is contracting and expanding at an alarming rate. Fireworks shoot in my eyes, my heart explodes, and ecstasy radiates throughout.
I can feel his cock against my leg. When he picks me up in his arms, I’m ready for him. He crushes his lips against mine and holds me tenderly, like I’m his one and only. I’ve missed the warmth he once gave me, even if it was so fleeting. He’s so strong and powerful, and he says, “I’m with you, always.” I don’t know what to believe. Right now, I just want to fall into him, over and over again.
“Just breathe,” he whispers.
I feel him enter me. He just holds me in his arms, while standing. Both hands are tight around my waist. I clutch around his neck and kiss his warm face. I close my eyes and feel him, thick and way too big for me. But he keeps pushing, until he’s deep inside.
It feels amazing.
I’m selfishly devoted to his cock as I start to block out everything that has happened between us. There’s anger, sadness, and pain, but right now, I need some relief. I need him. I gyrate my hips all around his thickness. I’m dripping around his shaft. I want to feel him in every way possible. I want to lose myself completely.
He falls back on the bed, slowly. I begin riding him like his cowgirl. I smile and let my hair down. My hands fall flat onto his muscular chest. He feels so fucking good, so right for me. I grip down and push my hips, so that he’s deep inside me. We’re moving slowly, but it’s with a hidden intensity.
With his hands around my waist, he soon starts to take control. Thrusting his hips forward, his cock moves in and out, so hard that I can hear it echo throughout the room. “We have to be quiet,” I whisper.
He just holds his hand over my mouth and kisses my forehead, continuing to thrust upward eagerly. “I’ll protect you and Aidan,” he says. This fantasy is something I want to dive headfirst into, but I know it’s not a reality. Tomorrow, he’ll be gone. Just like last time.
“Always?” I ask him, still.
He flips me onto my back and spreads my legs further apart. “Always.”
“Cum for me,” I tell him.
He fucks me, holding my legs and body in place. His whole body is against mine, pushing me further into the mattress. I’m dripping and he’s growling, as he stares into my eyes. He’s so handsome that it actually frightens me, and his eyes are the color of the dark ocean.
Wave upon wave of emotion hits us on the shores of our desire. He slides his thumb in my mouth and groans louder than he should, pupils growing. “My girl,” he whispers. “You’re so fucking beautiful. You’re an angel.”
“You said that to me last time,” I whisper.
“This time I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay right where you want me too.”
He thrusts harder than before, holding my ribcage. His fingers tense up and he pulls out this time. He moans, “Oh, God, baby. It’s coming.” His cum shoots out, onto my pelvis and he kisses me quick and sloppy. Our tongues slide and writhe on their own, desperate for the slippery touch.
After we’re done, he holds me in his arms and promises never to leave. I don’t know what just happened, but he can’t stay here. It’s not fair to Aidan to bring him into his life so fast. I still don’t know if he’s right for me, or if he’ll even come through on his promises. This is what men do when they want to cum. They say things, outlandish things, that they don’t even mean.
But for tonight, he’s holding me and I don’t want him to let go. I want to hold his hands over my tits,
while he spoons me to sleep. I want him to keep whispering that he loves me, and that he thought of me every single night overseas. I want to feel his warmth for as long as it’s okay. And when we sleep, I want to dream that we’re happier, and in a much better place than this.
I want to feel like I’m still here. Because lately, it’s felt like I’m just another single mom, lost in her duties. I’m not just that. I’m so many things. And I deserve so much more.
23
Walker
Is it pathetic that I’m lost in her eyes right now? I can’t even say anything. I just want to stay here forever. I don’t want to go back to my shithole apartment. I don’t want to deal with anything anymore. I have enough money saved that I could take care of Aidan with her. I could give her more than she has now.
“I want you,” I tell her over and over again. “Let me stay here with you. You have that extra room. I could move in and help you. I have money, Erica.”
“You’re out of your mind,” she says. “Seriously. We’ve been over this so many times. It’s not good for Aidan and it sure as hell ain’t good for me either.”
“Fine,” I sigh. I’m not going to press the issue. She clearly needs some time and that’s okay for me. I’m soaring right now. I can’t believe my night with her. I’ve been waiting for this moment for half a decade and now I’ve got it. I just need to find a way to continue it.
“You should probably go,” she says before breakfast. “Aidan will wonder why you stayed. He’ll start to think things.”
“Like I’m his father?” I smile.
“Come on, Walker,” she pouts. “Please just respect my wishes. I don’t want to cause him any more stress than he has already endured.”
“I understand.” I kiss her, and kiss her, and kiss her some more. I breathe in hard as she pulls away. She tastes and smells so fucking good.
“I’ll miss you,” I tell her as she shuts the door behind us, out front.
“I’m sure you will.” She rolls her eyes.
“No, I really will. I’ll be sitting in my apartment all day, thinking about you,” I say. It’s the truth. There’s nothing for me back there. I’ll be staring at my blasted wall. I’ll be drinking a bottle of fine Scotch, while I watch the sun go down. I’ll be all alone, again. Like all Americans say, this sucks.