I have memories. I need to try to weed the good ones out and toss the rest.
Chapter Eleven
Ross volunteered to drive Essie and her mom to the funeral home.
And by volunteer, he used that tone on Essie again, gently telling her he was driving them and brooking no resistance to his offer.
Ted asked to go with them. Essie was glad to have him there, although she would have liked it even more if it was Mark.
Essie was going to grab a shower and change clothes, at least, but her mom nixed that idea. “No, we need to get moving.”
Aware that the cameras were filming, Essie gently tried to change her mom’s mind. “Don’t you think we should be properly attired?”
“You don’t stink. I don’t stink. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Edgar dictate my life anymore when he’s dead. Now let’s get going, or we’ll be late.”
Essie looked to Ted for advice, but he only gave her a little shrug.
“All right. Let me at least get my purse and go to the bathroom.”
“Um, might want to turn off your mic,” the sound guy suggested.
“Thanks.”
She retreated to Ross and Loren’s house and locked herself in the bathroom. After using the toilet, she washed her hands and her face and stood in front of the mirror, trying to take deep breaths and control herself.
The woman staring back at her was a stranger in some ways. She looked haggard, drawn. Sleep deprived.
More than a little pissed off.
And very, very sad.
I can do this. I can do this.
She changed from the T-shirt to a clean blouse, grabbed her purse, and went to wait in the living room with Ross and Ted. The crew would follow them to the funeral home in one of their vehicles.
When her mom emerged from her bedroom, carrying her own purse, she smiled. “Let’s go.”
Essie and Ted volunteered to sit in the backseat so her mom could ride shotgun. She realized as Ross drove that while the street names were familiar, many of the buildings were totally unknown to her, new shopping centers having been built, and even already creeping into decay since she’d last been to Sarasota.
Ted reached across the seat and took her hand. Essie was in no mood to refuse the contact. When he gently squeezed, she met his gaze.
“You okay?” he mouthed.
She didn’t want to lie to him. She shrugged and turned back to the window to watch the scenery go by.
* * * *
Between dinner the night before and how she was handling herself now, Ted knew he was already heading down the dangerous slope toward love, headfirst and gaining speed at a ridiculous rate.
I barely know her.
Despite this damsel’s current distress, he knew his feelings ran deeper than that. He now understood why Mark had swooned over her.
And if she was okay with him holding her hand, he damn sure wasn’t going to let go. Not until she made him.
Except he finally had to let go when they reached the mortuary. They waited a moment for the film crew to catch up and get their microphones turned on again before going inside. Purson had ridden with his crew, and explained to the staff who they were and what they wanted. A few signed film releases later, they had the funeral director micced and ready to record.
Ross held back, staying out of the shot. Ted didn’t blame him. Ross was fairly well known within their BDSM community and didn’t need the additional exposure being featured on the show would bring. At least he owned his own business and didn’t have to worry about his job.
Which had been another factor Ted took into consideration when he went into practice for himself, working with his brothers.
Ted stood by, out of the shot but ready to intercede if necessary to stop the filming if he thought it was getting to be too much for either woman. But to Essie’s credit she held it together, her eyes growing red, but no tears breaking through.
Even her mom, while teary and emotional, held it together. Essie didn’t challenge any of her mom’s decisions, including what urn to pick out, and held her mom’s hand through most of the process.
He fought the urge to stand on Essie’s other side and hold her free hand.
I’m in trouble.
He would need to talk to his brothers, or at least Mark. Not that there would be anything to come from it, since she’d be returning to Spokane. But if they were ever to have a successful poly relationship, they needed to start working on their communications skills.
Including he needed to admit to Mark and Josh what he felt for Essie.
* * * *
Essie knew her mom was either handling this far better than she herself was, or was hiding it much better. She offered Essie a smile when they emerged into the bright Sarasota afternoon sunlight.
“That wasn’t so bad,” her mom said. “It’s done, and we can move on. All we need to do is pick him up when they call us.”
Ross led the way to the car. “Are you sure you feel like working on the house when we get back? No one would blame you if you want to take the rest of the afternoon off.”
Her mother looked horrified. “No! I want to get right back to work. Do you have any idea how much of a weight is off me right now? I’m finally in control of my life again, the way I want to be. I will keep working until I get too tired to stand tonight. Even if everyone else goes home, I’m going to keep working.”
She turned to Essie. “I know you have to be exhausted, sweetheart. I want you to get a good night’s sleep tonight. But…I feel like I have energy for the first time in years. You have no idea what it’s like.”
“Yeah, kind of do, Mom. Why do you think I escaped to college?” It wasn’t until the words were out of her mouth that Essie realized maybe her internal filter had a sleep-deprived glitch.
Her mom’s eyes widened.
“Mom,” she quickly said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Her mom hugged her. “No, I understand. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m sorry I couldn’t stand up to him before. I’ve spent too many years in my own survival mode.”
Essie was aware of the film crew discreetly filming their exchange.
After a moment, her mom stepped back and smiled again. “Let’s get back to the house. I’m dying to see my garage.”
There were a thousand questions running through Essie’s mind that she couldn’t pose to Ted with her mom sitting right there in the car. She knew she’d have to pull him aside at some point, without a film crew or microphone within range, and talk to him.
When they got into the car, his blue gaze caught hers, stirring something deep inside her. She didn’t know what it was about the brothers that did that to her, although she didn’t have to be a genius to suspect it had something to do with her old feelings for Mark.
He reached out and took her hand in his again, gently squeezing as he stared into her eyes.
She squeezed back and settled into the seat for the return ride.
* * * *
Essie’s mom was delighted to see the crew had made drastic progress since they’d left. Over half the garage was now cleared out.
Corrine threw her arms around Mark and hugged him. “You boys are a blessing, do you know that? This is amazing.”
Essie loved that he hugged her mom back. “Hey, it’s what we do. Helping people is what we enjoy doing.”
More people had arrived to help during their absence, including some more friends of Ross and Loren and the brothers. More introductions Essie was sure she’d never remember.
“I need to go put my purse up,” Essie said. “And change out of this shirt.”
Essie’s mom handed her purse to her. “Please take mine, too, dear.”
“Sure thing.”
Essie returned to the house, put her mom’s purse on her bed, and walked through the bathroom to her own bedroom where she changed. She was about to leave when her phone buzzed from Amy.
U ok?
Essie sat on the bed. Hanging in there.
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Then her phone rang. “You sure you’re all right?” Amy asked.
Essie flopped back onto the bed. “Yeah. Mom’s doing a happy dance that the garage is almost empty.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes it’s the little things in life.”
“This wasn’t little. I’ll send you some pics.” She’d snapped a few to e-mail to Amy later. Essie wanted them so if she ever started to slip in her own habits, she’d have an immediate reminder why she couldn’t let go of the strict control she exerted over her life. Why she couldn’t afford to slide in the slightest in terms of her routines and habits.
A reminder that, as Purson said, she wasn’t her father’s daughter.
Chatting with Amy helped Essie feel a little better. After ending the call with her, Essie opened her bedroom door but stopped in the doorway when she heard Loren talking with someone in the kitchen.
“Are you guys going to the next munch?” Loren asked.
Essie listened even though she knew it was wrong. She’d seen that term before—munch. It was something she’d read about in some of the books on her Kindle.
The erotic BDSM books.
A woman replied. “I think so. Are you coming to the club tomorrow night?”
“I doubt it,” Loren said. “While Corrine and Essie are here, we’re trying to keep a low profile. Sir doesn’t want to scare the ’nillas.”
The women chuckled.
“I don’t blame you,” the other woman said. “Cris and I are trying to keep Landry from doing too much. He’ll work himself to death helping if we don’t rein him in.”
“Damn Doms, anyway,” Loren teased, drawing another laugh from the woman Essie now assumed was Tilly, based on the context. “How is Landry doing, anyway?”
“Knock on wood, his last blood work showed he’s still in remission. It’ll be another couple of years before they declare it safe for us to relax, but it’s looking good. He caught that last round early, and we pursued aggressive treatment.”
“I’m glad.” Loren seemed to hesitate. “I’m glad it’s working out okay with you and Cris, too. I know I was really hard on him when he came back, but you have to see why.”
“It’s okay,” Tilly assured her. “I get it, believe me.” Another laugh. “But it worked out for the best. I never thought I could be happy again when he left. Then when Landry brought him back, I never thought I’d trust Cris again. But here we are, a couple of years later, and I’m really happy with both of them.”
Essie knew her eyes had to be bugged out.
Both of them?
“Poly isn’t for everyone,” Loren said. “But I’m glad it’s working for you three. Sir and I love you, you know that. We were just afraid for you when Cris returned, that he’d hurt you.” Loren laughed. “I promise I don’t want to charbroil him anymore.”
Poly? Three? Essie’s mind raced.
Realizing she’d crossed a line in a horrible way, Essie closed the bedroom door just loudly enough she knew the women could hear it. Carefully schooling her expression, she walked into the kitchen, where both women were staring at her and looking more than a little guilty.
Essie’s intention had been to pretend she hadn’t heard anything and move along to get back to work on her mom’s kitchen.
Instead, she found herself staring at the woman and opening her mouth. “Are you guys into that BDSM stuff?”
Both women’s faces turned red as they looked at each other for a moment.
“A simple nod will do,” Essie said when neither responded. “I won’t freak out. I promise.”
Both women slowly nodded.
“I’m sorry. I overheard some of what you were talking about. Look, it’s okay. I’m not a prude. I read plenty of dirty books. I just didn’t realize it was…real.”
Loren seemed to cede the conversation to Tilly. The woman cleared her throat before finally speaking. “A lot of our friends are into the lifestyle, yes.”
“So you and your husband and that guy…” Essie didn’t know how to continue and hoped Tilly would fill in the blank.
Tilly nodded. “Yes. We’re poly together. Our situation, it’s…complicated.”
Loren snorted. “You got that right,” she muttered.
Essie stepped closer. “It’s okay. I’m not offended or anything like that. I’m sorry my mom and I are uprooting your lives.”
“No,” Loren quickly said. “It’s not like that, honey, I promise.” She walked over and took Essie’s hands, squeezing them. “We really care about your mom. She’s a sweetheart. This isn’t a burden on us, believe me. We’re glad we’re able to help out. I don’t want you thinking you’re imposing on us.”
“But we are, if you can’t really be yourselves around us.”
“It’s not like that,” Tilly repeated. “Yes, we do a lot of vanilla things with our kinky friends and can be a little more open around them in terms of not having to watch everything we say. But that’s a choice we make in exchange for living the life we want to live. And we’re happy to do it.”
“So who else here is into that?”
The women glanced at each other again. “Look, we really don’t want you to think any less of anyone,” Loren said.
“I won’t. I promise. And I won’t say anything to my mom. But I’d like to know.” A thought hit her. “Mark, Josh, and Ted, right? That’s why so many of your ‘mutual friends’ offered to help, isn’t it?”
The women nodded.
Essie had always envied the submissives in the books she read. How they could be strong women in charge of their lives, and then have a man—or men—they could trust and let go to and know that everything would be okay on the other end of whatever life threw at them. That was one of the reasons Essie allowed herself the indulgence of reading. It took her to places she knew she could never go in her real life and allowed her a few hours here and there to escape reality.
What she hadn’t counted on was it being something possible outside of those erotic romances she read.
“Why?” Essie asked.
Loren’s brow furrowed. “Why what?”
“Why do you do it?”
“It’s not really something I can condense into a few sentences,” Loren said. “I love Sir. I trust him. I enjoy knowing that I can be myself and be strong and yet I can still have him to fall back on when I need a mental vacation for a little while.”
“Mental vacation how?”
“Subspace. I like when we play and he puts me in that mindset where my world revolves around him and what he’s doing to me, until he says otherwise. It’s a feeling unlike any other.”
“What about you?” she asked Tilly.
Tilly laughed as she held up her hands. “No, don’t ask me. I’m a switch, and it really is complicated. Even our good friends are still sometimes confused by our dynamic. But yeah, I love subspace when I go there. I won’t deny that.”
“What’s a switch?”
“Someone who plays on both ends of the flogger,” Loren said with a smile.
“You you let your guys beat you?” she asked Tilly, but it was Loren who responded.
“It’s about way more than that. Think of it this way. Do you know anything about scuba diving?”
Essie nodded.
“Okay then. You know how there are all sorts of different types of diving, from photographers to cave divers, even underwater welders?”
Essie nodded again.
“Okay. That’s an apt analogy for what it is we’re doing. Some people only snorkel on the weekends. Some people are professional deep cave divers. And everything in between. There’s no one right or wrong way to do BDSM as long as everyone’s an adult, they’re consenting, no one is harmed, and everyone is getting what they need from the dynamic. That’s it.”
“That sounds too simple,” Essie said.
Tilly giggled. “Everyone thinks that at first. But it really is that simple. It’s like a Mongolian barbecue. You stack what you want on your plate and then have it grilled t
ogether. You choose.”
The front door opened and Essie’s mom walked in, silencing further conversation. “Oh, there you are. Come see the garage now, sweetheart. It’s great!”
Essie glanced at the two women one last time. “Thanks for the info.”
“Any time,” Loren assured her.
As Essie followed her mom across the street, she now understood what it was about Ross that had struck her just right. His quiet commands.
He was a Dom.
Would I have noticed it under any other circumstances? More importantly, would I have welcomed it the way I did?
Normally she wasn’t this emotionally vulnerable and stripped bare. Under usual circumstances, if anyone tried to assert themselves over her, she pushed back, hard, refusing to be bullied.
And Mark and his brothers are Doms, too?
She glanced across the yard to where Josh and Mark were conferring with one of their work crew. She didn’t see Ted right away, until she spotted him talking with the film crew on the other side of the yard.
In a fit of horror, she checked her microphone and felt relief to see it was turned off.
I need to be more careful. I don’t want to get anyone in trouble.
But now that she had a deeper insight into the brothers, and several of their friends, a niggling part of her mind didn’t want to let go of it.
And she definitely wanted to talk more with Loren, Tilly, and the brothers.
Especially the brothers.
* * * *
Essie was exhausted when the men and her mom forced her to call it a day at nine that night. She hadn’t had much time to think about the things she’d learned from Loren and Tilly. There was just too much to do.
Too much she wanted to do to keep other, noisier thoughts from crowding into her mind.
Not just about the BDSM stuff, but about her dad, too.
The crew was exhausted, most of the volunteers had left or were leaving, and the garage had not only been emptied and swept out, but the very few things her mom had selected to stay were neatly stacked on or next to a built-in workbench that even her mom had forgotten was there.
A Clean Sweep [Suncoast Society] (Siren Publishing Sensations) Page 11