“I know,” she whispered. “I have to go now.”
“I know you do. I love your heart, Kins. I love how you care. I love how you worry. I love everything about you. I love our past, even though things didn’t turn out the way we wanted. And you know me, love, I don’t worry about the future.”
Kinsley laughed. “I promise I’ll call you soon.”
“I’ll wait for you, Kins.”
She whispered the word goodbye and the call ended.
And just like that, for the first time in my life, I really worried about the future… it had to have Kinsley in it… no matter what.
“Hey, kid, you’re drunk,” Lucky said as he put a hand to my shoulder.
I looked at the line of shot glasses on the bar and shook my head.
“I’m just getting started.”
“You’re a fucking mess,” he said.
I looked at Lucky and curled my lip.
“It’s almost three,” he said. “I’ve been here for almost twenty fucking hours.”
“Then go home,” I snapped. “I’ll close up.”
“You ain’t driving.”
“Fuck off, Lucky.”
“Right. Mouthy when you get drunk.”
I turned and stood up from the bar stool. I took a step and fell right back into the bar. I smashed my ribs against the edge of the bar and it hurt like fuck for a quick second.
“Come on,” Lucky said.
He grabbed my arm with a vise-like grip and tugged.
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I yelled. “I fucking quit. Okay? Take this bar and shove it up your ass. I’m out. I’m leaving this fucking place tomorrow.”
“That’s good,” he said. “You can do all that. Just get your ass home and sleep this shit off.”
“Then give me my fucking keys.”
“I’ll give you a ride home, Brice. Then you can get your truck tomorrow.”
I shook Lucky’s grip away. I tried to take another step and stumbled again.
I was fucked.
I managed to get through most of my shift before I started throwing the drinks back. All I could picture was Kinsley talking to Ben. Reconnecting over their sadness, just like she and I had done. I thought I had finally gotten her all to myself, but it didn’t happen that way.
And the more I drank, the more I thought about it.
The more I drank, the more it beat me down. From my soul to my heart to my entire being.
“Let’s go,” Lucky said.
I refused help.
It took me a long damn time to wander my way out back to get to Lucky’s truck. It took me almost just as long to climb up into the passenger seat.
We drove in silence, other than me giving slurred directions on where to turn.
When he pulled up to the cabin, I shook my head for a few seconds. I opened the door to the truck and fell right out. Right to the ground on my hands and knees. The cold ground. My breath like a cloud in front of me. The deep breaths I took hurting my throat and my chest.
I love you, Kins… why can’t we just be together?
I stayed there until Lucky came to help me. This was one of the weakest moments of my life. The last person I wanted to see me like this was Lucky.
“Come on, Brice. I got you, kid. I got you.”
He was tough and rough and gentle at the same time.
I got inside and went right for the couch.
I fell to it and felt the room spinning.
“Hey, kid, I’m going to get you set up and make sure you’re okay,” Lucky said.
I waved a hand.
I shut my eyes and opened them what I figured was hours later.
It was only a minute or two.
Lucky stood there. “You’re a mess. What the fuck happened?”
“A woman,” I said.
“Ah, Jesus.”
“You ever been in love, Lucky?”
“I’ve been where you are,” he said. “Just sleep it off.”
“Does it get any better?”
“No,” he said.
I shut my eyes.
I dreamed of me and Kinsley together, holding hands in the woods. She was terrified that we were lost. Pulling at my arm, on the verge of tears, fearing we’d end up dying of starvation or getting attacked by a bear. I knew right where we were though. We broke through the trees to the perfect clearing. I had been there earlier that day to put down a blanket and some flowers for her. If I’d had the money at that time I would have gotten her roses, but I could only afford the cheap five dollar bunch of flowers.
Kinsley teared up when she saw all of it.
That’s when I made my move at her.
We had been playing games on and off for a while. The bad boy and the good girl. The cliché, but the feelings were anything but cliché.
I took her by the waist and whispered to her that I loved her. And that I was going to love her for the rest of my life. And I wasn’t just saying that so she would give herself to me. Even though she did give herself to me for the first time right then.
My promise to her then was still the same now.
I loved her. Forever.
And the hangover tomorrow would be nothing compared to the heartache if she didn’t come back to me.
24
One Last Question
Kinsley
I felt like I had never been there before. Yet it was the house I had lived in for years. Ben’s car was in the driveway and my throat closed a little. I wasn’t sure how to actually face him, but I knew I had to do it. I spent the day working and made sure I talked to Brice before coming home. I told him I was already home, which was a stupid lie. Not that it mattered, I guess. I felt stupid texting him and it scared me to answer the phone when he called.
His heart was hurting. I understood why.
I couldn’t just walk away. It wasn’t right. Or fair.
I was wrong. What I did with Brice. Even if how it felt to me wasn’t wrong.
When I got out of my SUV, I saw Linda’s garage open. She backed her car out with Paige in the passenger seat. We each waved, I smiled, and then she drove away.
I faced the house alone, my heart pounding as I walked through the front door and went to the kitchen.
It was empty. Quiet. Perfectly clean.
The way it always was. You’d never know someone lived in this house. Ever.
I took a few breaths and heard a door shut.
I turned and there was Ben, coming from his office.
He froze when he saw me. Holding his bag and a folder of papers, he stared for a few seconds before doing something I’d never seen him do. He dropped the folder, letting the papers scatter everywhere. He tossed the bag to the same spot where he’d get mad at me for leaving mine.
As he closed in on me, I backed up until I hit the sink.
His hands gently touched my face as I saw a look so raw in his eyes, it stole my breath.
“Kinsley,” he whispered.
“Ben.”
“Do I still have the right to kiss you?”
“Yes…”
I wasn’t sure if that was the right word or not.
Ben gently kissed me and then backed away.
He was dressed down, jeans and a t-shirt. I couldn’t remember the last time I saw him like this.
He leaned against the table.
“Ben… I don’t know what to say…”
“You smell like him,” he said.
Shit. The shower.
My face was red hot. “Ben…”
“No, Kinsley. We’re not going to play games. Or make excuses. This is all or nothing right now. We’re here to talk now. Are we still together?”
“Yes,” I said. “I’m here…”
Ben nodded. “You read my letter?”
“I did.” I turned my head and looked at the mess he made. “You never do that.”
“Maybe it’s time I change things then.”
“No, Ben. I don’t want that.”
“You do
n’t want things to change?” he asked. “Kinsley. If we can’t be real, then what are we?”
“You know about me, Ben. As real as I can be.”
“So, what I said was true,” Ben said, nodding. “The scar?”
“Yes,” I said, feeling uncomfortable. I was starting to shake. “Everything came crashing down for a long time. Then I met you. And you helped me with my business. Everything from there…”
“All I know is to work,” Ben said. “And it cost me everything. Once before. And almost again with you. I’m not going to lose you, Kinsley.”
I blinked fast. “What do you mean by once before?”
“You read what I wrote.”
“I want to hear it, Ben,” I said.
“And I want to hear what happened to you. Whatever it was, it was enough to send you back to him.”
“It’s not that easy, Ben,” I said.
“I think it can be,” he said.
“It ended badly. And fast.”
“So now it’s back to what it was with him?”
I pushed from the counter. I rubbed my forehead, not wanting to cry. “I don’t know. I mean… what am I supposed to say here?”
I tried to walk away, but this time Ben came after me.
“She had a son,” Ben said. “The father skipped out on him. I raised him from the time he was three until he was seven. I worked like a crazy man trying to put together a life for the two of them. When I met her, she was living in a one bedroom apartment that was so small. They were barely making it.”
I turned and faced Ben.
I’d never seen him like this.
“So I get it,” he said. “Loving and losing.”
“Losing how?”
“A car accident.” He swallowed hard. “It was my fault.”
“How was it your fault?”
“I wasn’t there. Like I promised. There was a meeting and I thought I could go to the meeting and make his baseball game. He was nervous about the game. And I wasn’t there. The meeting ran late. I argued with her on the phone about not being there. She was hurt because he was hurt. I hurt her son. She said that to me. Just a reminder that I wasn’t his father. I told her to take him out for ice cream to make it up from me. I was hurt. I was scrambling. I was going to be there for him. But if I’d been there, she wouldn’t have taken him for ice cream. She wouldn’t have abided by the traffic laws and gone through the green light like anyone else would have. And she wouldn’t have gotten hit by a truck that ran a red light. And she… and he…”
Ben’s chin quivered.
He looked down for a second before his knees buckled.
He fell to his knees and started to cry.
I looked around as I pulled Ben close to my chest. There was a perfectly square cut opening that led from the kitchen to the living room. It had a fancy wood trim that was beautifully intricate, but I never took the time to stop and appreciate it. But there I was, holding Ben as he wept, my eyes looking around, trying to pick out anything that made sense to me.
Because this didn’t make sense.
“I’m sorry,” he said, coughing on tears.
“Ben, I had no idea,” I said.
“Of course you didn’t. Just like I didn’t know about your baby.”
Hearing him say that - your baby - made my stomach flip.
I wasn’t there yet. I wasn’t ready yet. But I had to be there. For Ben. Whether this was a new beginning or the final end, we couldn’t leave things to stand as it was.
He looked at me, a weak and tired look in his dark eyes. Those brooding eyes captivated me as he stood outside the building the first time I met him. Looking so big, tough, and confident. The way he talked to me, coming right for my heart as though he already had it. Not a worry in the world. Everything planned perfectly. On our third date, he got reservations at a restaurant where we sat outside on a rooftop. During our appetizer, it started to pour with rain. He threw money on the table, took my hand, and we rushed back to his car. Before I could ask now what? he already had it all worked out, knowing there was a chance of rain. He took me to a little cafe where we had a small dinner that was perfect. Then I took him outside and made him stand in the rain long enough to get soaked.
Then we rushed back to his place and spent our real first night together.
“I lost everything,” he whispered. “My own doing.”
“You can’t say that…”
“Would you want me to say that to you?”
“Right,” I said, my heart twisting.
“I talked to him that day. He was so nervous about the baseball game. I promised I would be there to support him. And this fucking meeting went late. But the end… the deal would have been enough for me to pay for his baseball camp for the summer. I would have been able to buy him all new gear. I wanted to put in a pool too. I had all these dreams of… things. But the one thing that mattered was taken from me. And no baseball bat or swimming pool could bring them back.”
I touched Ben’s face. I touched a fresh tear that fell from his eye.
My body was in complete shock.
This could have been us a long time ago.
“I threw myself into more work. I closed that deal and ten others. All I did was work. Everyone stayed out of my way because they knew I was grieving. I only slowed down when I met you.”
“This is you being slow?” I asked.
“This is all I know,” he said. “And I’m fucking it up again. I’m going to lose you for the same reasons.”
“Ben…”
My mouth moved but no words came out. Whatever I was going to say right then, it was going to be a lie.
“Just tell me,” he said. “Tell me what happened to you. I need to hear it.”
“I can’t…”
“Yes, you can, Kinsley. My dear. My love.”
He inched forward and kissed me.
His tears touched my lips.
Truthfully, I’d never felt so close to Ben before. My heart pounded so hard, confusion rippling through me.
“Just say it so I know,” he whispered.
I swallowed hard and nodded. “I… I lost a baby. My baby. She was…”
“She?” Ben asked. “A daughter. Oh, fuck, Kinsley. I’m so sorry, my dear.”
I shut my eyes and nodded. Now the tears were coming to me. And I couldn’t fight them off. I felt like I was cheating on Brice now. Sitting with another man, confessing the worst wound to my heart ever. Feeling Ben touch me, taking control as he hugged me. Sitting in the most random spot in our house. Proving we didn’t need all the space we had to make things seem perfect. Because they weren’t perfect at all. And they never were.
“Doctors had to do an emergency…”
I lost the words.
Ben cupped my face. “Keep going.”
“She was born,” I said. “I never heard her cry…”
I lost it.
Ben put his forehead to mine.
We both sat there, together, crying in our own tragedies and regrets.
And even still, I couldn’t help but wonder what Brice was doing right then.
Ben took me to bed the way I had wanted for so long. It was confusing as we kissed, losing ourselves to the emotion that had been building up for so long. Sharing a bed. Sharing our bodies. Sharing our pain. And, yes, sharing our love.
I loved him.
I loved Ben.
The feelings weren’t fake.
Just confusing.
My head rested on his chest as I tried to catch my breath. I blinked fast, wishing I could cry. Wishing I could feel enough guilt to force myself to make a decision.
But I couldn’t.
I was a terrible person. And even trying to convince myself that they both knew about each other didn’t help. Because that only made me a worse person. Two men who were willing to let me go to another man with the hopes of winning my heart once and for all.
Brice lived fast and reckless, never knowing what tomorrow would bring. He
fell hard, loved harder, but when things got bad, they got really bad. He would shut down for days and weeks, trying to punish me. Right up until I couldn’t handle it and I had to leave. Because of the way he acted after what happened, it was like he was afraid of me. So, I left.
And Ben… living with each breath timed out perfectly so he never missed one. A smart way to live so it was stress free. But it was boring.
I shut my eyes and rolled away from him.
He was already asleep.
I sat up in bed and watched him sleep.
There was still plenty we needed to talk about.
I couldn’t imagine his guilt. Messing up a promise to a young kid and never being able to make it up. Losing someone he loved. Feeling pushed away, told he wasn’t actually the boy’s father. The words were probably said out of anger… but if that was his last conversation with the woman he loved…
My stomach hurt from the grief.
I touched my stomach, remembering my own tragedy.
I peeled my shirt up and looked at the scar.
That’s when I snuck out of bed and went downstairs to get my phone.
It was wrong, I knew it, but I needed to hear his voice.
You awake? I need to talk to you.
The message was unanswered.
I wondered how much I had hurt him. He said he would wait. Give me a chance to figure everything out.
Brice, you know I love you. I just have to be here right now. Please let me know you’re okay.
I stood there, sending five more messages, borderline psycho, until I finally tossed my phone to the table and decided to go to bed for good. My legs felt weak, my heart the same, my head aching from the way it all weighed on me and felt. All from trying to hide from my past. All from letting Brice step into my present. All from looking at a future that was uncertain.
I slept with my heart in two, knowing it couldn’t last that way for long.
The bed was empty when I woke the next morning.
I took my time working my way downstairs, figuring Ben was back to work. It pissed me off a little to think that. For someone who had just cried his eyes out to me, he was back to work?
When I smelled something cooking, I paused for a second.
Somebody Else (Somebody, Nobody Duet Book 1) Page 28