Poins
Come, let’s hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?
Falstaff
By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince? why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore?
Prince Henry
Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.
Falstaff
Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!
Enter Hostess
Hostess
O Jesu, my lord the prince!
Prince Henry
How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest thou to me?
Hostess
Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you: he says he comes from your father.
Prince Henry
Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother.
Falstaff
What manner of man is he?
Hostess
An old man.
Falstaff
What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall
I give him his answer?
Prince Henry
Prithee, do, Jack.
Falstaff
’Faith, and I’ll send him packing.
Exit Falstaff
Prince Henry
Now, sirs: by’r lady, you fought fair; so did you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince; no, fie!
Bardolph
’Faith, I ran when I saw others run.
Prince Henry
’Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so hacked?
Peto
Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.
Bardolph
Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before, I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.
Prince Henry
O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what instinct hadst thou for it?
Bardolph
My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold these exhalations?
Prince Henry
I do.
Bardolph
What think you they portend?
Prince Henry
Hot livers and cold purses.
Bardolph
Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.
Prince Henry
No, if rightly taken, halter.
Re-enter Falstaff
Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.
How now, my sweet creature of bombast!
How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?
Falstaff
My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist; I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring: a plague of sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villanous news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook — what a plague call you him?
Poins
O, Glendower.
Falstaff
Owen, Owen, the same; and his son-in-law Mortimer, and old Northumberland, and that sprightly Scot of Scots, Douglas, that runs o’ horseback up a hill perpendicular,—
Prince Henry
He that rides at high speed and with his pistol kills a sparrow flying.
Falstaff
You have hit it.
Prince Henry
So did he never the sparrow.
Falstaff
Well, that rascal hath good mettle in him; he will not run.
Prince Henry
Why, what a rascal art thou then, to praise him so for running!
Falstaff
O’ horseback, ye cuckoo; but afoot he will not budge a foot.
Prince Henry
Yes, Jack, upon instinct.
Falstaff
I grant ye, upon instinct. Well, he is there too, and one Mordake, and a thousand blue-caps more: Worcester is stolen away to-night; thy father’s beard is turned white with the news: you may buy land now as cheap as stinking mackerel.
Prince Henry
Why, then, it is like, if there come a hot June and this civil buffeting hold, we shall buy maidenheads as they buy hob-nails, by the hundreds.
Falstaff
By the mass, lad, thou sayest true; it is like we shall have good trading that way. But tell me, Hal, art not thou horrible afeard? thou being heir-apparent, could the world pick thee out three such enemies again as that fiend Douglas, that spirit Percy, and that devil Glendower? Art thou not horribly afraid? doth not thy blood thrill at it?
Prince Henry
Not a whit, i’ faith; I lack some of thy instinct.
Falstaff
Well, thou wert be horribly chid tomorrow when thou comest to thy father: if thou love me, practise an answer.
Prince Henry
Do thou stand for my father, and examine me upon the particulars of my life.
Falstaff
Shall I? content: this chair shall be my state, this dagger my sceptre, and this cushion my crown.
Prince Henry
Thy state is taken for a joined-stool, thy golden sceptre for a leaden dagger, and thy precious rich crown for a pitiful bald crown!
Falstaff
Well, an the fire of grace be not quite out of thee, now shalt thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes look red, that it may be thought I have wept; for I must speak in passion, and I will do it in King Cambyses’ vein.
Prince Henry
Well, here is my leg.
Falstaff
And here is my speech. Stand aside, nobility.
Hostess
O Jesu, this is excellent sport, i’ faith!
Falstaff
Weep not, sweet queen; for trickling tears are vain.
Hostess
O, the father, how he holds his countenance!
Falstaff
For God’s sake, lords, convey my tristful queen;
For tears do stop the flood-gates of her eyes.
Hostess
O Jesu, he doth it as like one of these harlotry players as ever I see!
Falstaff
Peace, good pint-pot; peace, good tickle-brain. Harry, I do not only marvel where thou spendest thy time, but also how thou art accompanied: for though the camomile, the more it is trodden on the faster it grows, yet youth, the more it is wasted the sooner it wears. That thou art my son, I have partly thy mother’s word, partly my own opinion, but chiefly a villanous trick of thine eye and a foolish-hanging of thy nether lip, that doth warrant me. If then thou be son to me, here lies the point; why, being son to me, art thou so pointed at? Shall the blessed sun of heaven prove a micher and eat blackberries? a question not to be asked. Shall the sun of England prove a thief and take purses? a question to be asked. There is a thing, Harry, which thou hast often heard of and it is known to many in our land by the name of pitch: this pitch, as ancient writers do report, do
th defile; so doth the company thou keepest: for, Harry, now I do not speak to thee in drink but in tears, not in pleasure but in passion, not in words only, but in woes also: and yet there is a virtuous man whom I have often noted in thy company, but I know not his name.
Prince Henry
What manner of man, an it like your majesty?
Falstaff
A goodly portly man, i’ faith, and a corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye and a most noble carriage; and, as I think, his age some fifty, or, by’r lady, inclining to three score; and now I remember me, his name is Falstaff: if that man should be lewdly given, he deceiveth me; for, Harry, I see virtue in his looks. If then the tree may be known by the fruit, as the fruit by the tree, then, peremptorily I speak it, there is virtue in that Falstaff: him keep with, the rest banish. And tell me now, thou naughty varlet, tell me, where hast thou been this month?
Prince Henry
Dost thou speak like a king? Do thou stand for me, and I’ll play my father.
Falstaff
Depose me? if thou dost it half so gravely, so majestically, both in word and matter, hang me up by the heels for a rabbit-sucker or a poulter’s hare.
Prince Henry
Well, here I am set.
Falstaff
And here I stand: judge, my masters.
Prince Henry
Now, Harry, whence come you?
Falstaff
My noble lord, from Eastcheap.
Prince Henry
The complaints I hear of thee are grievous.
Falstaff
’sblood, my lord, they are false: nay, I’ll tickle ye for a young prince, i’ faith.
Prince Henry
Swearest thou, ungracious boy? henceforth ne’er look on me. Thou art violently carried away from grace: there is a devil haunts thee in the likeness of an old fat man; a tun of man is thy companion. Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with the pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years? Wherein is he good, but to taste sack and drink it? wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? wherein cunning, but in craft? wherein crafty, but in villany? wherein villanous, but in all things? wherein worthy, but in nothing?
Falstaff
I would your grace would take me with you: whom means your grace?
Prince Henry
That villanous abominable misleader of youth,
Falstaff, that old white-bearded Satan.
Falstaff
My lord, the man I know.
Prince Henry
I know thou dost.
Falstaff
But to say I know more harm in him than in myself, were to say more than I know. That he is old, the more the pity, his white hairs do witness it; but that he is, saving your reverence, a whoremaster, that I utterly deny. If sack and sugar be a fault, God help the wicked! if to be old and merry be a sin, then many an old host that I know is damned: if to be fat be to be hated, then Pharaoh’s lean kine are to be loved. No, my good lord; banish Peto, banish Bardolph, banish Poins: but for sweet Jack Falstaff, kind Jack Falstaff, true Jack Falstaff, valiant Jack Falstaff, and therefore more valiant, being, as he is, old Jack Falstaff, banish not him thy Harry’s company, banish not him thy Harry’s company: banish plump Jack, and banish all the world.
Prince Henry
I do, I will.
A knocking heard
Exeunt Hostess, Francis, and Bardolph
Re-enter Bardolph, running
Bardolph
O, my lord, my lord! the sheriff with a most monstrous watch is at the door.
Falstaff
Out, ye rogue! Play out the play: I have much to say in the behalf of that Falstaff.
Re-enter the Hostess
Hostess
O Jesu, my lord, my lord!
Prince Henry
Heigh, heigh! the devil rides upon a fiddlestick: what’s the matter?
Hostess
The sheriff and all the watch are at the door: they are come to search the house. Shall I let them in?
Falstaff
Dost thou hear, Hal? never call a true piece of gold a counterfeit: thou art essentially mad, without seeming so.
Prince Henry
And thou a natural coward, without instinct.
Falstaff
I deny your major: if you will deny the sheriff, so; if not, let him enter: if I become not a cart as well as another man, a plague on my bringing up! I hope I shall as soon be strangled with a halter as another.
Prince Henry
Go, hide thee behind the arras: the rest walk up above. Now, my masters, for a true face and good conscience.
Falstaff
Both which I have had: but their date is out, and therefore I’ll hide me.
Prince Henry
Call in the sheriff.
Exeunt all except Prince Henry and Peto
Enter Sheriff and the Carrier
Now, master sheriff, what is your will with me?
Sheriff
First, pardon me, my lord. A hue and cry
Hath follow’d certain men unto this house.
Prince Henry
What men?
Sheriff
One of them is well known, my gracious lord,
A gross fat man.
Carrier
As fat as butter.
Prince Henry
The man, I do assure you, is not here;
For I myself at this time have employ’d him.
And, sheriff, I will engage my word to thee
That I will, by to-morrow dinner-time,
Send him to answer thee, or any man,
For any thing he shall be charged withal:
And so let me entreat you leave the house.
Sheriff
I will, my lord. There are two gentlemen
Have in this robbery lost three hundred marks.
Prince Henry
It may be so: if he have robb’d these men,
He shall be answerable; and so farewell.
Sheriff
Good night, my noble lord.
Prince Henry
I think it is good morrow, is it not?
Sheriff
Indeed, my lord, I think it be two o’clock.
Exeunt Sheriff and Carrier
Prince Henry
This oily rascal is known as well as Paul’s. Go, call him forth.
Peto
Falstaff!— Fast asleep behind the arras, and snorting like a horse.
Prince Henry
Hark, how hard he fetches breath. Search his pockets.
He searcheth his pockets, and findeth certain papers
What hast thou found?
Peto
Nothing but papers, my lord.
Prince Henry
Let’s see what they be: read them.
Peto
[Reads] Item, A capon,. . 2s. 2d.
Item, Sauce,. . . 4d.
Item, Sack, two gallons, 5s. 8d.
Item, Anchovies and sack after supper, 2s. 6d.
Item, Bread, ob.
Prince Henry
O monstrous! but one half-penny-worth of bread to this intolerable deal of sack! What there is else, keep close; we’ll read it at more advantage: there let him sleep till day. I’ll to the court in the morning. We must all to the wars, and thy place shall be honourable. I’ll procure this fat rogue a charge of foot; and I know his death will be a march of twelve-score. The money shall be paid back again with advantage. Be with me betimes in the morning; and so, good morrow, Peto.
Exeunt
Peto
Good morrow, good my lord.
ACT III
SCENE I. BANGOR. THE ARCHDEACON’S HOUSE.
Enter Hotspur, Worcester, Mortimer, and Glendower
Mortimer
These promises a
re fair, the parties sure,
And our induction full of prosperous hope.
Hotspur
Lord Mortimer, and cousin Glendower,
Will you sit down?
And uncle Worcester: a plague upon it!
I have forgot the map.
Glendower
No, here it is.
Sit, cousin Percy; sit, good cousin Hotspur,
For by that name as oft as Lancaster
Doth speak of you, his cheek looks pale and with
A rising sigh he wisheth you in heaven.
Hotspur
And you in hell, as oft as he hears Owen Glendower spoke of.
Glendower
I cannot blame him: at my nativity
The front of heaven was full of fiery shapes,
Of burning cressets; and at my birth
The frame and huge foundation of the earth
Shaked like a coward.
Hotspur
Why, so it would have done at the same season, if your mother’s cat had but kittened, though yourself had never been born.
Glendower
I say the earth did shake when I was born.
Hotspur
And I say the earth was not of my mind,
If you suppose as fearing you it shook.
Glendower
The heavens were all on fire, the earth did tremble.
Hotspur
O, then the earth shook to see the heavens on fire,
And not in fear of your nativity.
Diseased nature oftentimes breaks forth
In strange eruptions; oft the teeming earth
Is with a kind of colic pinch’d and vex’d
By the imprisoning of unruly wind
Within her womb; which, for enlargement striving,
Shakes the old beldam earth and topples down
Steeples and moss-grown towers. At your birth
Our grandam earth, having this distemperature,
In passion shook.
Glendower
Cousin, of many men
I do not bear these crossings. Give me leave
To tell you once again that at my birth
The front of heaven was full of fiery shapes,
The goats ran from the mountains, and the herds
Were strangely clamorous to the frighted fields.
These signs have mark’d me extraordinary;
Complete Plays, The Page 170