Diana CAPILET.
Lafeu
I will buy me a son-in-law in a fair, and toll for this: I’ll none of him.
King
The heavens have thought well on thee Lafeu,
To bring forth this discovery. Seek these suitors:
Go speedily and bring again the count.
I am afeard the life of Helen, lady,
Was foully snatch’d.
Countess
Now, justice on the doers!
Re-enter Bertram, guarded
King
I wonder, sir, sith wives are monsters to you,
And that you fly them as you swear them lordship,
Yet you desire to marry.
Enter Widow and Diana
What woman’s that?
Diana
I am, my lord, a wretched Florentine,
Derived from the ancient Capilet:
My suit, as I do understand, you know,
And therefore know how far I may be pitied.
Widow
I am her mother, sir, whose age and honour
Both suffer under this complaint we bring,
And both shall cease, without your remedy.
King
Come hither, count; do you know these women?
Bertram
My lord, I neither can nor will deny
But that I know them: do they charge me further?
Diana
Why do you look so strange upon your wife?
Bertram
She’s none of mine, my lord.
Diana
If you shall marry,
You give away this hand, and that is mine;
You give away heaven’s vows, and those are mine;
You give away myself, which is known mine;
For I by vow am so embodied yours,
That she which marries you must marry me,
Either both or none.
Lafeu
Your reputation comes too short for my daughter; you are no husband for her.
Bertram
My lord, this is a fond and desperate creature,
Whom sometime I have laugh’d with: let your highness
Lay a more noble thought upon mine honour
Than for to think that I would sink it here.
King
Sir, for my thoughts, you have them ill to friend
Till your deeds gain them: fairer prove your honour
Than in my thought it lies.
Diana
Good my lord,
Ask him upon his oath, if he does think
He had not my virginity.
King
What say’st thou to her?
Bertram
She’s impudent, my lord,
And was a common gamester to the camp.
Diana
He does me wrong, my lord; if I were so,
He might have bought me at a common price:
Do not believe him. O, behold this ring,
Whose high respect and rich validity
Did lack a parallel; yet for all that
He gave it to a commoner o’ the camp,
If I be one.
Countess
He blushes, and ’tis it:
Of six preceding ancestors, that gem,
Conferr’d by testament to the sequent issue,
Hath it been owed and worn. This is his wife;
That ring’s a thousand proofs.
King
Methought you said
You saw one here in court could witness it.
Diana
I did, my lord, but loath am to produce
So bad an instrument: his name’s Parolles.
Lafeu
I saw the man to-day, if man he be.
King
Find him, and bring him hither.
Exit an Attendant
Bertram
What of him?
He’s quoted for a most perfidious slave,
With all the spots o’ the world tax’d and debosh’d;
Whose nature sickens but to speak a truth.
Am I or that or this for what he’ll utter,
That will speak any thing?
King
She hath that ring of yours.
Bertram
I think she has: certain it is I liked her,
And boarded her i’ the wanton way of youth:
She knew her distance and did angle for me,
Madding my eagerness with her restraint,
As all impediments in fancy’s course
Are motives of more fancy; and, in fine,
Her infinite cunning, with her modern grace,
Subdued me to her rate: she got the ring;
And I had that which any inferior might
At market-price have bought.
Diana
I must be patient:
You, that have turn’d off a first so noble wife,
May justly diet me. I pray you yet;
Since you lack virtue, I will lose a husband;
Send for your ring, I will return it home,
And give me mine again.
Bertram
I have it not.
King
What ring was yours, I pray you?
Diana
Sir, much like
The same upon your finger.
King
Know you this ring? this ring was his of late.
Diana
And this was it I gave him, being abed.
King
The story then goes false, you threw it him
Out of a casement.
Diana
I have spoke the truth.
Enter Parolles
Bertram
My lord, I do confess the ring was hers.
King
You boggle shrewdly, every feather stars you.
Is this the man you speak of?
Diana
Ay, my lord.
King
Tell me, sirrah, but tell me true, I charge you,
Not fearing the displeasure of your master,
Which on your just proceeding I’ll keep off,
By him and by this woman here what know you?
Parolles
So please your majesty, my master hath been an honourable gentleman: tricks he hath had in him, which gentlemen have.
King
Come, come, to the purpose: did he love this woman?
Parolles
Faith, sir, he did love her; but how?
King
How, I pray you?
Parolles
He did love her, sir, as a gentleman loves a woman.
King
How is that?
Parolles
He loved her, sir, and loved her not.
King
As thou art a knave, and no knave. What an equivocal companion is this!
Parolles
I am a poor man, and at your majesty’s command.
Lafeu
He’s a good drum, my lord, but a naughty orator.
Diana
Do you know he promised me marriage?
Parolles
Faith, I know more than I’ll speak.
King
But wilt thou not speak all thou knowest?
Parolles
Yes, so please your majesty. I did go between them, as I said; but more than that, he loved her: for indeed he was mad for her, and talked of Satan and of Limbo and of Furies and I know not what: yet I was in that credit with them at that time that I knew of their going to bed, and of other motions, as promising her marriage, and things which would derive me ill will to speak of; therefore I will not speak what I know.
King
Thou hast spoken all already, unless thou canst say they are married: but thou art too fine in thy evidence; therefore stand aside.
This ring, you say, was yours?
Diana
Ay, my good lord.
King
Where did you buy it? or w
ho gave it you?
Diana
It was not given me, nor I did not buy it.
King
Who lent it you?
Diana
It was not lent me neither.
King
Where did you find it, then?
Diana
I found it not.
King
If it were yours by none of all these ways,
How could you give it him?
Diana
I never gave it him.
Lafeu
This woman’s an easy glove, my lord; she goes off and on at pleasure.
King
This ring was mine; I gave it his first wife.
Diana
It might be yours or hers, for aught I know.
King
Take her away; I do not like her now;
To prison with her: and away with him.
Unless thou tell’st me where thou hadst this ring,
Thou diest within this hour.
Diana
I’ll never tell you.
King
Take her away.
Diana
I’ll put in bail, my liege.
King
I think thee now some common customer.
Diana
By Jove, if ever I knew man, ’twas you.
King
Wherefore hast thou accused him all this while?
Diana
Because he’s guilty, and he is not guilty:
He knows I am no maid, and he’ll swear to’t;
I’ll swear I am a maid, and he knows not.
Great king, I am no strumpet, by my life;
I am either maid, or else this old man’s wife.
King
She does abuse our ears: to prison with her.
Diana
Good mother, fetch my bail. Stay, royal sir:
Exit Widow
The jeweller that owes the ring is sent for,
And he shall surety me. But for this lord,
Who hath abused me, as he knows himself,
Though yet he never harm’d me, here I quit him:
He knows himself my bed he hath defiled;
And at that time he got his wife with child:
Dead though she be, she feels her young one kick:
So there’s my riddle: one that’s dead is quick:
And now behold the meaning.
Re-enter Widow, with Helena
King
Is there no exorcist
Beguiles the truer office of mine eyes?
Is’t real that I see?
Helena
No, my good lord;
’Tis but the shadow of a wife you see,
The name and not the thing.
Bertram
Both, both. O, pardon!
Helena
O my good lord, when I was like this maid,
I found you wondrous kind. There is your ring;
And, look you, here’s your letter; this it says:
‘When from my finger you can get this ring
And are by me with child,’ & c. This is done:
Will you be mine, now you are doubly won?
Bertram
If she, my liege, can make me know this clearly,
I’ll love her dearly, ever, ever dearly.
Helena
If it appear not plain and prove untrue,
Deadly divorce step between me and you!
O my dear mother, do I see you living?
Lafeu
Mine eyes smell onions; I shall weep anon:
To Parolles
Good Tom Drum, lend me a handkercher: so,
I thank thee: wait on me home, I’ll make sport with thee:
Let thy courtesies alone, they are scurvy ones.
King
Let us from point to point this story know,
To make the even truth in pleasure flow.
To Diana
If thou be’st yet a fresh uncropped flower,
Choose thou thy husband, and I’ll pay thy dower;
For I can guess that by thy honest aid
Thou keep’st a wife herself, thyself a maid.
Of that and all the progress, more or less,
Resolvedly more leisure shall express:
All yet seems well; and if it end so meet,
The bitter past, more welcome is the sweet.
Flourish
EPILOGUE
King
The king’s a beggar, now the play is done:
All is well ended, if this suit be won,
That you express content; which we will pay,
With strife to please you, day exceeding day:
Ours be your patience then, and yours our parts;
Your gentle hands lend us, and take our hearts.
Exeunt
As You Like It
TABLE OF CONTENTS
CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY
ACT I
SCENE I. ORCHARD OF OLIVER’S HOUSE.
SCENE II. LAWN BEFORE THE DUKE’S PALACE.
SCENE III. A ROOM IN THE PALACE.
ACT II
SCENE I. THE FOREST OF ARDEN.
SCENE II. A ROOM IN THE PALACE.
SCENE III. BEFORE OLIVER’S HOUSE.
SCENE IV. THE FOREST OF ARDEN.
SCENE V. THE FOREST.
SCENE VI. THE FOREST.
SCENE VII. THE FOREST.
ACT III
SCENE I. A ROOM IN THE PALACE.
SCENE II. THE FOREST.
SCENE III. THE FOREST.
SCENE IV. THE FOREST.
SCENE V. ANOTHER PART OF THE FOREST.
ACT IV
SCENE I. THE FOREST.
SCENE II. THE FOREST.
SCENE III. THE FOREST.
ACT V
SCENE I. THE FOREST.
SCENE II. THE FOREST.
SCENE III. THE FOREST.
SCENE IV. THE FOREST.
EPILOGUE
CHARACTERS OF THE PLAY
Duke, living in exile
Frederick, brother to the Duke, and Usurper of his Dominions
Amiens, Lord attending on the Duke in his Banishment
Jaques, Lord attending on the Duke in his Banishment
Le Beau, a Courtier attending upon Frederick
Charles, his Wrestler
Oliver, son of Sir Rowland de Bois
Jaques, son of Sir Rowland de Bois
Orlando, son of Sir Rowland de Bois
Adam, servant to Oliver
Dennis, servant to Oliver
Touchstone, a clown
Sir Oliver Martext, a Vicar
Corin, shepherd
Silvius, shepherd
William, a country fellow, in love with Audrey
A person representing Hymen
Rosalind, daughter to the banished Duke
Celia, daughter to Frederick
Phebe, a shepherdess
Audrey, a country wench
Lords belonging to the two Dukes; Pages, Foresters, and other Attendants.
ACT I
SCENE I. ORCHARD OF OLIVER’S HOUSE.
Enter Orlando and Adam
Orlando
As I remember, Adam, it was upon this fashion bequeathed me by will but poor a thousand crowns, and, as thou sayest, charged my brother, on his blessing, to breed me well: and there begins my sadness. My brother Jaques he keeps at school, and report speaks goldenly of his profit: for my part, he keeps me rustically at home, or, to speak more properly, stays me here at home unkept; for call you that keeping for a gentleman of my birth, that differs not from the stalling of an ox? His horses are bred better; for, besides that they are fair with their feeding, they are taught their manage, and to that end riders dearly hired: but I, his brother, gain nothing under him but growth; for the which his animals on his dunghills are as much bound to him as I. Besides this nothing that he so plentifully gives me, the something that nature gave me his countenance seems to take from me: he lets me feed
with his hinds, bars me the place of a brother, and, as much as in him lies, mines my gentility with my education. This is it, Adam, that grieves me; and the spirit of my father, which I think is within me, begins to mutiny against this servitude: I will no longer endure it, though yet I know no wise remedy how to avoid it.
Adam
Yonder comes my master, your brother.
Orlando
Go apart, Adam, and thou shalt hear how he will shake me up.
Enter Oliver
Oliver
Now, sir! what make you here?
Orlando
Nothing: I am not taught to make any thing.
Oliver
What mar you then, sir?
Orlando
Marry, sir, I am helping you to mar that which God made, a poor unworthy brother of yours, with idleness.
Oliver
Marry, sir, be better employed, and be naught awhile.
Orlando
Shall I keep your hogs and eat husks with them? What prodigal portion have I spent, that I should come to such penury?
Oliver
Know you where your are, sir?
Orlando
O, sir, very well; here in your orchard.
Oliver
Know you before whom, sir?
Orlando
Ay, better than him I am before knows me. I know you are my eldest brother; and, in the gentle condition of blood, you should so know me. The courtesy of nations allows you my better, in that you are the first-born; but the same tradition takes not away my blood, were there twenty brothers betwixt us: I have as much of my father in me as you; albeit, I confess, your coming before me is nearer to his reverence.
Oliver
What, boy!
Orlando
Come, come, elder brother, you are too young in this.
Oliver
Wilt thou lay hands on me, villain?
Orlando
I am no villain; I am the youngest son of Sir Rowland de Boys; he was my father, and he is thrice a villain that says such a father begot villains. Wert thou not my brother, I would not take this hand from thy throat till this other had pulled out thy tongue for saying so: thou hast railed on thyself.
Adam
Sweet masters, be patient: for your father’s remembrance, be at accord.
Oliver
Let me go, I say.
Orlando
I will not, till I please: you shall hear me. My father charged you in his will to give me good education: you have trained me like a peasant, obscuring and hiding from me all gentleman-like qualities. The spirit of my father grows strong in me, and I will no longer endure it: therefore allow me such exercises as may become a gentleman, or give me the poor allottery my father left me by testament; with that I will go buy my fortunes.
Complete Plays, The Page 258