Fabian
And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.
Enter Maria
Sir Toby Belch
Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
Maria
If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He’s in yellow stockings.
Sir Toby Belch
And cross-gartered?
Maria
Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school i’ the church. I have dogged him, like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as ’tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do, he’ll smile and take’t for a great favour.
Sir Toby Belch
Come, bring us, bring us where he is.
Exeunt
SCENE III. A STREET.
Enter Sebastian and Antonio
Sebastian
I would not by my will have troubled you;
But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,
I will no further chide you.
Antonio
I could not stay behind you: my desire,
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;
And not all love to see you, though so much
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,
But jealousy what might befall your travel,
Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,
Unguided and unfriended, often prove
Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,
The rather by these arguments of fear,
Set forth in your pursuit.
Sebastian
My kind Antonio,
I can no other answer make but thanks,
And thanks; and ever [ ... ] oft good turns
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:
But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,
You should find better dealing. What’s to do?
Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
Antonio
To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.
Sebastian
I am not weary, and ’tis long to night:
I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
With the memorials and the things of fame
That do renown this city.
Antonio
Would you’ld pardon me;
I do not without danger walk these streets:
Once, in a sea-fight, ’gainst the count his galleys
I did some service; of such note indeed,
That were I ta’en here it would scarce be answer’d.
Sebastian
Belike you slew great number of his people.
Antonio
The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
It might have since been answer’d in repaying
What we took from them; which, for traffic’s sake,
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.
Sebastian
Do not then walk too open.
Antonio
It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here’s my purse.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
Sebastian
Why I your purse?
Antonio
Haply your eye shall light upon some toy
You have desire to purchase; and your store,
I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
Sebastian
I’ll be your purse-bearer and leave you
For an hour.
Antonio
To the Elephant.
Sebastian
I do remember.
Exeunt
SCENE IV. OLIVIA’S GARDEN.
Enter Olivia and Maria
Olivia
I have sent after him: he says he’ll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
For youth is bought more oft than begg’d or borrow’d.
I speak too loud.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
Maria
He’s coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He is, sure, possessed, madam.
Olivia
Why, what’s the matter? does he rave?
Maria
No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in’s wits.
Olivia
Go call him hither.
Exit Maria
I am as mad as he,
If sad and merry madness equal be.
Re-enter Maria, with Malvolio
How now, Malvolio!
Malvolio
Sweet lady, ho, ho.
Olivia
Smilest thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
Malvolio
Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is, ‘Please one, and please all.’
Olivia
Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
Malvolio
Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
Olivia
Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
Malvolio
To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I’ll come to thee.
Olivia
God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss thy hand so oft?
Maria
How do you, Malvolio?
Malvolio
At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
Maria
Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
Malvolio
‘Be not afraid of greatness:’ ’twas well writ.
Olivia
What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
Malvolio
‘some are born great,’—
Olivia
Ha!
Malvolio
‘some achieve greatness,’—
Olivia
What sayest thou?
Malvolio
‘And some have greatness thrust upon them.’
Olivia
Heaven restore thee!
Malvolio
‘Remember who commended thy yellow stocking s,’—
Olivia
Thy yellow stockings!
Malvolio
‘And wished to see thee cross-gartered.’
Olivia
Cross-gartered!
Malvolio
‘Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;’—
Olivia
Am I made?
Malvolio
‘If not, let me see thee a servant still.’
Olivia
Why, this is very midsummer madness.
Enter Servant
Servant
Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino’s is returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he attends your ladyship’s pleasure.
Olivia
I’ll come to him.
Exit Servant
Good
Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where’s my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
Exeunt Olivia and Maria
Malvolio
O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. ‘Cast thy humble slough,’ says she; ‘be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity;’ and consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is Jove’s doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, ‘Let this fellow be looked to:’ fellow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance — What can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
Re-enter Maria, with Sir Toby Belch and Fabian
Sir Toby Belch
Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I’ll speak to him.
Fabian
Here he is, here he is. How is’t with you, sir? how is’t with you, man?
Malvolio
Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go off.
Maria
Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
Malvolio
Ah, ha! does she so?
Sir Toby Belch
Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is’t with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he’s an enemy to mankind.
Malvolio
Do you know what you say?
Maria
La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
Fabian
Carry his water to the wise woman.
Maria
Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I’ll say.
Malvolio
How now, mistress!
Maria
O Lord!
Sir Toby Belch
Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
Fabian
No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
Sir Toby Belch
Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
Malvolio
Sir!
Sir Toby Belch
Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! ’tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang him, foul collier!
Maria
Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
Malvolio
My prayers, minx!
Maria
No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
Malvolio
Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element: you shall know more hereafter.
Exit
Sir Toby Belch
Is’t possible?
Fabian
If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
Sir Toby Belch
His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
Maria
Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
Fabian
Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
Maria
The house will be the quieter.
Sir Toby Belch
Come, we’ll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad: we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Enter Sir Andrew
Fabian
More matter for a May morning.
Sir Andrew
Here’s the challenge, read it: warrant there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.
Fabian
Is’t so saucy?
Sir Andrew
Ay, is’t, I warrant him: do but read.
Sir Toby Belch
Give me.
Reads
‘Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.’
Fabian
Good, and valiant.
Sir Toby Belch
[Reads] ‘Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.’
Fabian
A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
Sir Toby Belch
[Reads] ‘Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.’
Fabian
Very brief, and to exceeding good sense — less.
Sir Toby Belch
[Reads] ‘I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,’—
Fabian
Good.
Sir Toby Belch
[Reads] ‘Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.’
Fabian
Still you keep o’ the windy side of the law: good.
Sir Toby Belch
[Reads] ‘Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
Andrew Aguecheek.’
If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
I’ll give’t him.
Maria
You may have very fit occasion for’t: he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
Sir Toby Belch
Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away!
Sir Andrew
Nay, let me alone for swearing.
Exit
Sir Toby Belch
Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
Re-enter Olivia, with Viola
Fabian
Here he comes with your niece: give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.
Sir Toby Belch
I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
Exeunt Sir Toby Belch, Fabian, and Maria
Olivia
I have said too much unto a heart of stone
And laid mine honour too unchary out:
There’s something in me that reproves my fault;
But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
That it but mocks reproof.
Viola
With the same ’havior that your passion bears
Goes on my master’s grief.
Olivia
Here, wear this jewel for me, ’tis my picture;
Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,
That honour saved may upon asking give?
Viola
Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
Olivia
How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?
Viola
I will acquit you.
Olivia
Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
Exit
Re-enter Sir Toby Belch and Fabian
Sir Toby Belch
Gentleman, God save thee.
Viola
And you, sir.
Sir Toby Belch
That defence thou hast, betake thee to’t: of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end: dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.
Viola
You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.
Sir Toby Belch
You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
Viola
I pray you, sir, what is he?
Sir Toby Belch
He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give’t or take’t.
Viola
I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk.
Sir Toby Belch
Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury: therefore, get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that’s certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
Viola
This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is: it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
Sir Toby Belch
I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.
Exit
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