by A. S. Kelly
responsibility on him. Patrick deserves to find his
way without being held down. I have to leave him
free, Mom.”
“If you’re willing to let him go, if you prefer
hating yourself rather than knowing what you feel
just for letting him go, it means that you truly love
him. Only an unconditional love could bring you
to such a decision.”
And that’s how it is. I love him. And there are
no scarier or bigger words that that, but that’s what
love is. It’s enormous. It’s so big it can’t fit in my
heart. But it is a selfish love because I want him all
for us. I want his constant presence, his kisses and
caresses. His jokes and his cussing. I want all of
his time and attention. I want it so much I’m afraid
of destroying everything with my own hands.
Patrick is a wonderful man that has many things
to offer a woman, he just needed a way to vent his
anger and use his love instead. I know it will be
difficult to get over but it’s the right thing to do
and with time, he’ll realize it too.
He needs a woman that loves him and cuddles
him on cold nights, that makes him smile on black
days and is all for him and that one day will give
him his family, his family, not someone else’s. He
needs a woman who doesn’t need him, his help or
support but a woman who wants to stay with him
because she wants him and desires him, not
because he has to take care of her.
And I need to find my road, alone without Nate,
without my parents and without his love.
Patrick
“Hey, buddy, everything’s ready.”
“Be there in a minute.”
“Sure you’re up to playing?”
Play, eat, sleep, breathe.
Live.
Nothing makes sense anymore after she’s taken
everything with her.
I nod, drying my hands on my jeans and
jumping to the stage on the other side.
“Patrick,” Jay says with that compassionate face
that I’d like to smash in, just so that I don’t have to
see it anymore. “I know that you miss her and that
everything seems senseless now, but you’ll see in
time—”
“What? With time I’ll forget? I’ll find someone
else? What is it you’re trying to tell me, Jay? Were
you able to go ahead after Alex?”
There I am. Same old asshole I used to be.
I just said the only name I never should have.
The only weak link in Jay’s controlled and
schematic world. The only thing able to knock him
over and I, bastard to the bone, take advantage of
the situation to make him back off.
Jay looks at me, still with that expression of
pity, and I feel like an asshole for having dug up
Alex and reminding him of what he feels about
her.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, looking away.
“Don’t worry about it. I do understand, you
know? I know how you feel and that you’d like to
break everything you see with your bare hands.
But there’s nothing you can do to bring her back to
you. You have to accept it and move on because if
you don’t, it will destroy you.”
“Destroy me? I’m already there. I am
completely devastated and I feel defeated, empty
and terribly alone. Nothing could destroy me like
this. I’ve gone so far down that nothing could
bring me back.”
“Patrick.” He places both hands on my
shoulders.
“And maybe I don’t want to crawl out. I deserve
it, for how I decided to live my life until she chose
to give me a chance. I almost believed it, that I
would be able to be different, to be a man.”
“You are, Patrick, you are. You let her go
because of love, you did the right thing.”
Love? This is love?
It’s suffering, wringing your soul, shredding
your heart and feeding it to the wolves.
“Are you ready?” Aaron calls us from the stage.
I shake my head and join him while Jay stands
behind me sighing in frustration. I go up on the
stage and grab my bass. Liam is still at the table
sitting with Rain. He’s talking with her, smiling at
her and he gives her a tender kiss on the lips and I
feel like I could die right now, and maybe I really
would like to.
Erin has gone. She’s probably choosing the
color of the baby’s room, the crib, her first outfits
right at this moment. Her name. All of the choices
that I have no part of and I’ll never get a chance to
say what I feel about the new life inside her.
I lost the woman I love, the woman I would
have died for, and I lost my child. Yes, I know she
never was mine but I felt like she was since the
first moment I knew about her existence. And it’s
inexplicable what I feel for her, but it’s so beautiful
and pure, something innocent that has bloomed in
my heart spontaneously, as easily as breathing.
And I imagined holding her in my arms on the
first day of her life. Of taking her to the park and
pushing her on the swing. Taking her for walks on
the beach and holding her hand on the first day of
school. Of singing her a song every night to lull
her to sleep. And to stay awake, all night if
necessary, so I could watch over her dreams, to
battle any monsters and dragons and to be her
hero.
I heard her voice in my head calling me daddy
and I thought I would die of happiness. Because
this child filled my life and gave me a reason to be
a better person, to take care of others and to love
them with all of my heart.
And I would have loved her forever without
compromise.
Aaron clears his throat, shaking me from my
daydream, a dream I need to let go of now because
it ends with the derailing of my heart. Because
there won’t be anyone to call me daddy. And there
won’t be any woman next to me, to hold my hand,
to smile at me, to hold me and to rub my back.
Because she is with someone else now, someone
who took the place I wanted and would have paid
anything for.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best,
the best of you?
Who is there with them now?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
Is he the one holding them at night? Is he the
one that Erin sleeps with every night, resting her
head on his chest?
Its real, the pain you feel.
10
Is he the one that caresses her belly and makes
the baby hear his voice so that she grows with
confidence?
Is he the one that took my life?
It’s this damn pain I feel in my chest, my head
and my bones. Will it kill me on the spot or make
me go completely crazy?
10 Best Of You, In Your Honor, Foo Fighters
Because I am going crazy, I am losing control of
my mind and my senses because I cannot see or
hear anything but her, even if she has gone
bringing everything with her.
“Hey, I think you need a break.” Aaron rests his
hand on my back looking at me seriously.
“What … Why?”
“Patrick, you’re a mess. You can’t go on like
this.”
He’s right about that. I’m dead inside and
maybe outside too.
I nod, clenching my jaw tightly to placate the
rage and frustration I feel as I rest the bass against
the wall and keep away from the people in the pub
to escape these emotions that are dragging me
down.
But it’s not enough. No. It would be too easy.
I want to hurt myself more. I want to get to that
other part of the tunnel and then decide if I should
come back or not.
So I go up the stairs, open the door and a cloud
of memories runs through my mind so intensely
that I lose my balance and have to place my hand
on the wall behind me to steady myself.
I see her singing around the counter. In front of
the mirror as she rubs her belly. Lying on the bed
as I kiss every fucking inch of her body. I can hear
her whispering my name. I can feel her hands and
she caresses my face and her lips heal all of my
wounds.
I see and hear everything and I understand that I
have gone crazy because she isn’t here. The house
is empty. Her things are gone.
I go into her room and sit on the bed, caressing
the sheets. Then I turn my head to the dresser
where there’s a teddy bear with a pink bib that
says, ‘It’s a girl’.
I take it and hold it tightly against my chest and
let all of the pain flow out in tears that I still have
to spill and that will fall for an eternity because I
will never be able to forget her and the life that I
cannot have.
26
Erin
“Good morning, honey, I thought you had to see
Nate this morning.”
“Hi, Mom,” I reply. “I should have but they
called him to the university for something and so
we put it off for later.”
“How do you feel? Do you still have a
backache?”
“Really bad,” I say, touching the painful area. I
flop on the couch because by now I am so big that
it’s hard for me to keep upright. The baby is very
active and I can’t get more than an hour’s sleep at
a time. I am tired and I’m only at thirty weeks.
This pregnancy is going on forever. And I’m still
so behind on my thesis that I’m afraid that it’ll
have to wait until next semester. I’ve tried to do it,
but with the tiredness and my poor concentration
I’m not able to prepare as I should.
“What plans have you got for today?” Mom
asks. She’s just returned to Dublin after having
spent two months in America. I’ve remained here,
with Dad, at least for now. When the baby is born
I’m planning on getting an apartment for the both
of us.
I’ve decided to raise her alone. It didn’t work
out with Nate before and it won’t work out now,
despite his efforts to make me believe otherwise. I
know he’s motivated with good intentions and
he’ll be a good dad for her but he will not be my
life’s companion. There’s nothing between us but a
tender affection that will help us to be good
parents even though we’re not a couple.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give my heart to
someone else in my lifetime. I think we can fall in
love infinite times, but you only really love
someone once.
And I’ve already used mine.
I sigh begrudgingly accepting it, because
thinking of him provokes a pain in my heart and a
sense of emptiness that nothing can ease, but I
know that when the baby arrives I’ll have a new
person to shower all of my love on.
“Maybe I’ll call Rain,” I reply. “Ask her if she’d
like to go for a walk.”
“Just don’t wear yourself out, dear.”
“Don’t worry, it’ll be good for me.” I smile
before getting up with a bit of difficulty and going
upstairs to look for my cell phone.
Rain and I are in contact as we always have
been. We don’t see each other very much because
she’s always busy, but she stops by to see me when
she can. She tells me about the pub and the guys
but she never mentions Patrick. There’s a clear
agreement between us: I don’t ask and she doesn’t
tell, and I imagine she has the same agreement
with him. It’s the right thing to do.
I go into my room and dig around in my sheets
when I’m overcome with a tremendous sensation
of pain.
I breathe deeply, waiting for it to pass, but after
two minutes I’m still panting and I start to worry
that these are not the usual pre-birthing
contractions.
Next I try to sit on the bed and then lay down a
bit waiting for the pain to pass but it gets worse
instead, expanding into my lower abdomen. I
breathe in again until it seems like the pain is
diminishing, but then there’s another surge of
agony that makes me scream out.
My mom runs upstairs and opens the door.
“Erin … what’s happening?”
“Something’s wrong, Mom.”
“I’ll call your dad right away and get him back
here.”
“Mom,” I say through my tears. “Call an
ambulance,” I tell her in a thread of a voice before
showing her that my hands are covered in blood
and I’m losing my senses.
~ ~ ~
I wake up in the hospital and I’ve got three doctors
around me saying things that I can’t understand.
I’m wearing a mask for oxygen and I can hear my
mother crying next to me.
I turn my head slowly and I move my oxygen
mask with my free hand.
“Relax, honey,” she says, caressing my face.
“They are taking care of you.”
“What? What happened?”
One of the doctors is checking the monitor next
to me and gives me a strained smile.
“Hello, Erin. We almost lost you … but the
situation is now under control. Your placenta
became detached and your daughter went into fetal
suffering. You lost a lot of blood but you are now
stable.”
I nod, not sure I really understand.
“Erin, if the situation doesn’t improve, if you
should have another hemorrhage, we will have to
proceed with an emergency cesarean.”
“But the baby is too small. She’s just in the
thirtieth week!” I protest without enough strength.
“Thirty weeks is still viable for the baby. We
have had cases of premature births where the
children have bounced back and been perfectly
well.”
; “No, no!” I argue with him, trying to move
when a new fit of pain hits me and I instinctively
shut my eyes.
“Bring her upstairs,” the doctor says to the
others and they prepare me for being moved.
“I’m sorry Erin, we can’t wait any longer,” he
tells me. “We have to do it now.”
“Mama!” I cry, holding her hand.
“It’s going to be alright, dear. I am here.”
“Mama, listen,” I say as they run me down the
corridor putting my oxygen mask back on.
“What is it?”
“Call Father,” I try to get the words out but
they’re garbled and I know I’m losing my senses
again.
“Relax, I’ve already called Dad, he’s on his
way.”
“No! I don’t mean Dad.” I shake my head and
squeeze the nurse’s hand to tell her that I want to
stop moving. Mom comes in close, moves my
mask, putting her lips to my mouth. “What is it,
honey?”
“Call her father.”
Patrick
“No, Al, you’re wrong again!” I say, exasperated at
our supplier. “They should have been three cases
of coke and two orange. ”
“Alright, no problem,” he says. “I’ll bring them
to you as soon as I’m passing by this way again.”
“Is it possible that it’s so hard for you to get the
delivery right? I mean, one fucking delivery?”
Frustrated, I rest up against the counter and
cross my arms over my chest.
“What the heck is it?” he asks me. “God, why
are you so sensitive this morning?”
I lift my arms in a sign of peace. Speaking with
Al is like talking with a mule that is perpetually in
a drunken stupor. I shouldn’t serve him all that
Guinness in the evenings.
The door opens and Rain runs in with her cell
phone in her hand.
“Hey, Rain, why are you running?”
She stops, panting, before showing me the
phone.
“What?” I say getting closer.
“Why don’t you answer your telephone!”
“Sorry,” I say touching my pocket. “I must have
left it in back.”
“You have to, you have to go now.”
“Where?” I ask taking her hands. “Rain, what’s
going on?”
“H-hospital…” she stutters, “the b-baby.”
~ ~ ~
I run out of the pub leaving Al in charge until
Aaron can get there to take over. I stop on the kerb
of the street, holding Rain under her arm because
she’s so upset that she can’t stand up on her own. I