by Janice Lynn
Guilt flooded through her, but given the same set of circumstances she’d make the same choices if she had to do it over again, even knowing that she’d come home to an empty house.
“I wanted that night to be special, James.” Her eyes blurred as memories assailed her—her excitement over the way she’d looked, the silky dress that she’d ended up throwing away because of the bloodstains she’d been unable to remove. “I had my makeup and hair done, bought a new dress, but then I got a call that a little girl had come into the office and—”
“And you had to go to her rescue,” he finished for her.
Melissa nodded.
“It’s not that I don’t admire what you do,” he began. “You’re a wonderful and caring doctor. It’s just that you’re a wonderful and caring doctor to the exclusion of all else. Nothing and no one comes before your patients. If that’s the life you want, then that’s your choice. I love medicine, but I want a life, too.”
“You’re being overly dramatic, James. I have a life.” Not recently, but she had had a life until he’d walked away.
“Really?” He looked genuinely curious. “Tell me about your life, Melissa. What do you do outside medicine?”
“Lots.” But she couldn’t think of a single thing at the moment. But wasn’t it natural that she’d bury herself in work? Anything to distract herself from the fact that only an empty house waited for her?
“When we first got together you took time to go to medical meetings with me. We’d travel to conferences, go canoeing, bicycling, or just sit on the sofa, watching a movie and eating popcorn.” He closed his eyes, memories playing across his features. “How long has it been since we’ve spent any real time together?”
Finally a question she knew the answer to. “We went out to eat the night before my ultrasound,” she reminded him.
“Not that our strained dinner counts, but I’m talking about prior to my moving back to Nashville.”
She thought over the weeks before that horrible night when Ray Barnes died and, in grief, his wife overdosed.
“The day we worked in the yard, planting flowers and clearing away winter debris. We spent the entire day together.”
The night, too. It was the last time she recalled making love with him other than quick sex during the night to satisfy physical need.
“That was in April. It’s almost October.”
She thought harder, then realized if she had to think that hard, he’d proved his point.
Why hadn’t she made love to him every second he had been in her life? Kissed him and told him how wonderful it was to wake up next to him? She’d been blind.
“We weren’t spending enough time together,” she admitted.
“No,” he agreed. “We weren’t.”
Why was it so much easier to see the truth in hindsight?
She took a deep breath and asked what her heart yearned to know, what she’d hoped all day his arrival at the clinic during the night meant. “Is there any way things can go back to the way they were?”
After all, he had suggested moving back in.
He stared at her for the longest time, as if he were trying to get inside her head. Melissa’s hope rose. Was it possible that they could return to the life they’d shared together?
“No, there’s not,” James said, his voice confident, sure of his answer.
Melissa tried not to flinch, but knew she did.
His words hurt. Sharp, stabbing hurt. A fresh rejection to go with the slew of past ones. Why had she foolishly gotten her hopes up? He was here for the baby, not her.
“I don’t want that life back,” he continued. More pain. “Neither can we go on with the way things currently are.” His weariness seeping through, he sighed. “I’m not going to go through what I did last night when I couldn’t reach you. Not ever again.”
“I’m sorry, James. I didn’t mean to worry you. I was so worried about Cindy that I never thought about you calling.”
His lips flattened into a thin line, and she realized she’d only reinforced his perception that she put her patients first, before him.
She’d never thought so. Had anyone asked, she’d have said James was the most important person in her life. So why had it been so easy to push him aside any time someone else needed her?
So easy she hadn’t even realized she’d been doing it.
Not until he’d left. She wanted him back.
Had she wanted his baby that much? Yes, but their problems had run deeper than that.
“I’m willing to accept your terms.” She stared straight into his eyes. “You were right about me being exhausted last night. I’d been dreaming of a soak in the tub and a good night’s sleep all afternoon.”
He seemed taken aback at her admission.
“I’ve been trying to take care of myself, but I get tired so easily,” she confessed. “I saw a need in Cindy, and I did what I could to take care of it. If you hadn’t arrived…” she winced at the stark truth “…I wouldn’t have lasted the night.”
“You would have pushed yourself and done so, Melissa. You always do.”
“Maybe.”
Another long silence. “If you’re serious about meeting me halfway, I’ll move my things back this weekend.”
She didn’t point out that he’d only taken his clothes when he’d left and, technically, he’d bought a lot of the furniture and household goods.
She wanted James back in her house, her life, her heart, but not against his will.
“James, you can’t just put your entire life on hold like this.”
“Your pregnancy has put your life on hold. I’m half-responsible for that. It only makes sense that we’d both make compromises to accommodate the baby. I plan to be an active part of our baby’s life.”
His face was pinched, as if the thought pained him.
“Why don’t you want kids, James?”
His blue gaze shot to hers. “Under the circumstances, that’s irrelevant.”
“No.” She shook her head, seeing fear in his eyes. Fear she didn’t understand and that had nothing to do with the reasons he’d given her in the past. “For this to work, we have to be honest with each other. I’ve told you the truth, about having lied to you about not wanting a baby.” She closed her eyes, swallowed. She placed her palms protectively over her belly. “Tell me the truth, James. Why didn’t you want me to have your baby?”
“Why did you agree, Melissa?”
“Because I wasn’t willing to give you up,” she admitted, not wanting to but knowing one of them had to start tearing the walls down. “I hoped you’d change your mind and when you didn’t, I grew to resent you.”
His face harsh, he sighed. “It wasn’t personal, Melissa. I don’t want a baby with anyone.” His gaze dropped to where she cradled her belly and he winced. “I—I—”
“Don’t,” she interrupted. “Don’t make up something about wanting this baby, James. Tell me the truth because I know something happened somewhere along the way that’s made you feel this way. What was it? Did you get some girl pregnant during high school? Is that it?”
It’s what she’d always wondered in the back of her mind, but she couldn’t believe she’d found the strength to give words to her thoughts.
“If only.”
The bitter sadness in those two words squeezed her heart at whatever burden he carried. “Please, tell me so I can understand,” she pleaded.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“There’s no point in this, Melissa. We should be deciding on things like custody and where the baby is going to go to school, holidays, that kind of thing. The past doesn’t matter.”
This brought the custody issue to the fore-front of Melissa’s mind once again. Besides, he wasn’t going to tell her his reasons. She bit her lower lip, battling her frustration that he still hid behind that wall, refused to let her inside, battling very real rising panic.
Not once during her dreams of wanting Ja
mes’s baby had she ever envisioned her child not being with her during the holidays, during every day.
“I plan to breastfeed,” she warned him, just so he’d know it would be months and months before the baby would be able to be away from her for any extended amount of time.
“Good.” He didn’t seem bothered by her announcement, but that might have been from relief that she’d let her questioning go. “It’s what’s best for the baby, but I have to admit that I’m surprised.”
“Why?”
“Because it’ll tie you down more. You’ll have to be the one to do the feeds. The baby will need to be with you.”
“So you agree that it’s best for the baby to stay with me until he or she is weaned?”
He took a long time answering. “I agree that we still have to figure out custody. I’ve talked with a lawyer and she says—”
Melissa’s breath caught. “Wait a minute.” All thoughts of James’s past disappearing, she threw her hands up to stop him, to try to get a handle on what he’d said. “You’ve talked to a lawyer?”
He looked uncomfortable. “Last week.”
Last week. They’d talked on the phone how many nights since then? “You didn’t say anything. We’ve talked every night and not once have you mentioned seeing a lawyer.”
“I didn’t think custody an appropriate topic to discuss over the phone. Some things should be done in person.”
Still, the fact that he’d seen a lawyer made the possibility of him fighting for their child all the more real.
What was she thinking? Of course, James would fight for custody. Hadn’t she known that from the moment she’d seen the tenderness in his eyes when he’d watched the ultrasound monitor?
“For the record, I understand that our baby will need you more than me during the first few months while you’re nursing.”
Understanding of him, she seethed. How could he have talked with a lawyer and not told her?
“I’m going to nurse until—” the kid goes to college, she thought “—I feel it’s the right time to wean.”
He nodded, eyeing her suspiciously, and she wondered if he’d read her mind. “I’m sure there’s a lot about parenting we both need to learn.”
She bit the inside of her lip, hating the strained atmosphere between them. Hating even more that she’d played a huge role in causing that strain and now she stood to lose not only him but possibly their baby.
And he hadn’t even wanted a baby.
“What did your lawyer say?”
Looking tired, he sighed. “Are you sure you want to talk about this tonight?”
“Yes.” She should hire a lawyer, too. Then her lawyer could talk to his lawyer and two strangers could negotiate the fate of their baby. She hated it.
“That I’m a decent, upstanding citizen with a good job and have the means and desire to provide for a child.” He met her gaze, probably so she would see the honesty in his eyes. “If we fought over custody, she thinks I have a good chance of winning.”
“No,” Melissa gasped, placing her hand over her mouth. “I wouldn’t let you take my baby.”
“Our baby, and we’ve been through this. Our baby needs a mother and a father. I’m interested in joint custody, not full.” He averted his gaze, then shifted it back to her, his eyes dark and full of warning. “That is, unless you become neglectful.”
Which said it all. Why he’d shown up last night. Why he sat on her sofa now. James didn’t trust her with their baby.
If she didn’t meet his standards, he’d try to take away their baby.
“Is that what this is about? You want to move back in to spy on me? Build up information you can use as evidence later on?”
“I’ve already told you.” He stood, glared down at her. His face flushed an angry red. “My moving back in has to do with trying to keep you from harming our baby with your lack of consideration for how your actions affect it.”
CHAPTER NINE
JAMES couldn’t believe they were arguing again. It wasn’t what he’d wanted or planned, but maybe he’d been willing to do anything to get Melissa off his past.
Still, he’d decided to move back to Sawtooth to make her life easier. Not to argue. Why did she have to push his buttons and back him into corners where he came out verbally punching?
He hated fighting. Always had. Not that he and Melissa had ever fought much. They hadn’t, which might be part of the problem. Nothing to shake them out of the status quo. These days, things shook. Hell, earthquakes couldn’t jar him the way just being in the same room with Melissa did.
“Leave,” she spat, standing and glaring at him with what appeared akin to hatred. “Get out of my house and don’t you dare come back.”
James closed his eyes and counted to ten. A pillow whacked him across the face. Not hard, but enough to rile him further.
“I said leave,” she repeated when he remained silent. “I don’t want you here.”
“Like it or not, you accepted my offer. I’m not leaving,” he told her, just so there would be no confusion. He wouldn’t leave again until after their baby was born.
“Men.” She rolled her eyes. “First you won’t come home when I ask you to. Now you won’t leave when I order you to. Let’s see, maybe I should beg you to stay so that you’ll hightail it out the door so fast I’ll end up with windburn.”
“Maybe.” He stood inches from her, meeting her hot gaze head-on, but not once did her glare waver. Instead, her eyes glittered with stubborn challenge. A challenge that compelled him to accept. “Try me and find out.”
Only the slight dilation of her pupils gave credence to her surprise at his response, but she quickly masked it behind a fake smile.
“James, would you, please, stay?” she said in a syrupy voice, mocking him with her fluttering lashes. “Please, don’t leave.” More eyelash flutters. “How’s that?”
He’d had enough. He pulled her to him, pressing her round belly and slender body close. Her heat burned through his clothes, her smell inflamed his senses, but it was her eyes that tore him in two. They taunted. Teased. Glowed with the unique light inside this woman who’d bewitched him from the moment they’d met.
“Since when did you get such a smart mouth?”
“I’ve always had one,” she retorted. “You just failed to notice.”
“I notice everything about your mouth.” His gaze dropped to her slightly parted lips. “Everything.”
Her eyes darkened, besieging him with long-denied need. His gut knotted, his palms itched, his entire body yearned.
He gave in.
Kissed her.
Soft and slow for the first touch of his lips to hers. Tasting the dewy sweet ripeness as if for the first time, cherishing each play of his lips over hers. The slow caresses lasted only seconds before the ache in him took over and he devoured her mouth, demanding that she open, give him access inside.
Inside her mouth, her body, her heart, her soul.
She moaned, squirming, pressing nearer. She twisted her fingers at his nape, pulling him closer, and still they weren’t close enough. Not for him. Not for her.
He’d known in his heart, but touching her, holding her confirmed just how miserable he’d been the past couple of months.
Miserable enough that he found the strength to pry his lips from hers.
He ran his palms down her arms and to the small of her back, holding her to him, feeling the full swell of her belly against his hard groin.
Eyes dazed with passion, she blinked up at him. She’d gone from spitting mad to soft, pliant.
“Don’t stop.” With that, she trailed her tongue over his throat, running it over his carotid pulse and into the indention at his clavicle. “Please, don’t stop.”
A lightning storm struck everywhere she touched, sending thunderous shock waves throughout his body. Her words shook him just as tumultuously. What was she saying? That she wanted him to kiss her? Or that she wanted him to stay? Make love to her?
He wanted nothing more than to carry her into the bedroom they’d shared during what he now realized had been the best period of his life and do all the things he’d missed doing. To her. With her. But she’d take it wrong, think they could fall right back into old habits, and that wasn’t good enough for him.
Not by far.
He caressed her face, wondering how he could have missed just how much she meant to him. Just how far he was willing to go for this woman’s well-being.
Because he wasn’t doing this just for him or even for their baby. He did it for Melissa. To keep her from working her life away and someday looking around and realizing she had nothing outside her career. No one to love. No one to love her. Because she’d let each relationship wither and die without ever realizing what she was doing.
“James?” she breathed against his neck, her hands splaying across his back. “I want you here, with me. Always.”
Always.
Lord, give him strength.
He trapped her wrists and held them, keeping her from rubbing her body against him. “You have to stop, Melissa. This is wrong.”
Her dark eyes went round and her body stiff.
He watched all the wrong conclusions form in her mind.
“I forgot,” she chided herself, looking embarrassed, lost, disbelieving. “I forgot that you didn’t want me anymore.”
He ached. His body and his heart. “I do want you, Melissa. I’ve never stopped wanting you.”
She gave him a don’t-feed-me-that-garbage look. “I can tell by how you leapt at my offer.”
“You didn’t mean to make that offer any more than I needed to accept it.”
She pulled her wrists free and he let her. Her arms crossed over her chest, and her chin lifted.
“Don’t tell me what I meant to do or didn’t mean to do. It’s become quite apparent that you don’t know me nearly as well as you seem to think.”
“I know you better than you know yourself.”
“Then you’ll know that I want you to leave.”
“Leaving hasn’t solved much in the past. Possibly it’s only complicated an already complicated enough situation.” He crossed his arms, thinking they probably looked ridiculous facing off against one another. “But at the time it seemed the right thing to do. Now taking care of you is the right thing.”