Monsterbook: Rumblefart and the Beastly Bottom

by Michael Broad

  A tiny monster hopped up to the entrance in front of them and was immediately ushered inside after flashing his ID card at the Thud. But the bouncer quickly barred the doors again as the unsteady Jub Jub teetered to a halt.

  ‘Good evening,’ Urk said cheerily, waving a friendly fork.

  ‘HMMMPH!’ grunted the Thud, moving forward with his measuring device.

  As the stick came closer, Urk’s eyes widened when he saw that they needed a few extra centimetres to gain entry to the club, so he quickly sat up straight and craned his neck until his head drew level with the top.

  ‘Fine weather we’re having,’ he gasped, as the creature frowned at the stick. ‘Being such a tall teenager, I usually get to see it first as I’m so very high up. Not that we get a lot of weather here in Monsterland, being underground and all …’

  Fortunately the Thud was using every ounce of brainpower to study the stick and paid no attention to Urk’s nervous babbling. After what seemed like an eternity of concentration and a small amount of dribble, the creature arrived at a decision.

  ‘YOU GO IN NOW,’ grunted the Thud and nodded towards the door.

  ‘Jolly good!’ chirped Urk, and slumped with a sigh when the stick was taken away. He then gave Will a few light hoof-kicks to steer him towards the door, waving his forks for balance as they staggered into The Monster Mash.

  5

  Rumblefart

  The Monster Mash was very noisy with thumping music and loud monster voices. Will didn’t want to miss out on seeing a monster youth club so he tore a small hole in the Jub Jub sack to peep through.

  The room was a large brown dome filled with monsters dancing, monsters sitting around slurping slug-shakes and scoffing beetle-burgers, and a couple of small monsters who were kicking a ball of dung around the floor.

  In the centre of the hall, a young spotty monster was clambering on to a table before a small gathering. At the front of the huddle, two pairs of bunches were bobbing up and down in time to the music.

  ‘Over there!’ yelled Urk, seeing Miffni and Pong Pong.

  As the spotty monster mounted the table and cleared his throat, Will quickly shuffled forward and lurked at the back of the group. From there he could hear what was going on and Urk could keep an eye on his sister and her friend.

  On his tabletop podium, the spotty monster frowned at the Jub Jub.

  ‘I see we have a new recruit!’ he said, singling out the lurking Jub Jub. The smaller monsters glanced back at the tall, dark stranger so Urk waved a fork at them, grateful that Miffni and Pong Pong’s attention remained fixed on the speaker.

  ‘For those of you who don’t already know, I am Rumblefart!’ roared the monster, flicking up his feelers and raising his arms dramatically, causing Miffni and Pong Pong to squeal with excitement.

  ‘Revolting leader of the Monster Mob and master of stinky bottom burps!’

  ‘HONK! HONK!’ cheered the group.

  ‘The purpose of the Monster Mob is to perform mass scares to large groups of fleshblobs!’ Rumblefart continued, unfolding the familiar poster advertising Beauty and the Beast. ‘And our first performance is tomorrow night, where we will terrify the audience in this silly school play!’

  ‘It’s not just Miffni and Pong Pong,’ Urk whispered urgently.

  ‘So I hear,’ whispered Will. ‘We’re up against a whole mob!’

  ‘WHO’S TALKING?’ Rumblefart demanded, squinting into the crowd.

  The Monster Mob immediately turned and glared at the newcomer.

  ‘Er, I was just wondering what the plan was, exactly,’ said Urk in a gruff voice.

  ‘Well, if you had bothered to show up to our first meeting,’ sniffed Rumblefart, ‘you would know that we intend to take over the stage and deliver an evening of frights that the audience will never forget!’

  ‘HONK! HONK!’ the mob cheered excitedly.

  ‘Oh,’ said Urk, and then flinched when Will prodded him from under the sack. ‘And what about the little fleshblobs who are already on the stage, what are you … I mean, what are we going to do to them?’

  ‘If they get in your way you can do whatever you want,’ Rumblefart replied coldly. ‘The Monster Mob are rebels who ignore the scare rules of Monsterland. Which is why frightening grown-ups will be so much fun. They don’t even believe in monsters, so it’ll come as quite a shock when we appear on stage.’

  ‘And how will we get into the school?’ Urk asked, wondering if he was pushing his luck with too many questions. ‘I mean it would be a shame to get all the way there to find the doors are locked.’

  ‘Everything has already been arranged,’ said Rumblefart, looking very pleased with himself as he addressed the rest of the mob. ‘You see I have an undercover monster inside the school who feeds me all the information I need.’

  ‘Grant Butcher!’ gasped Will.

  Urk quickly coughed into a fork to disguise his friend’s voice, but the Monster Mob had already lost interest in the newcomer. They were now focused entirely on Rumblefart, who was demonstrating some of the many frights he had planned for the show.

  ‘Are you sure this Grant Butcher is the insider?’ whispered Urk.

  Will thought about the school bully. He already knew about monsters wearing fleshblob suits to move around in the daytime and was annoyed that he hadn’t spotted it sooner. Grant was the meanest kid in school, who lived to make other kids’ lives a misery – and he’d taken to the role of the beast in the play a little too easily!

  ‘I’m sure it’s Grant Butcher,’ said Will.

  ‘Then we’ll deal with him too,’ whispered Urk, turning his attention back to the mob leader.

  ‘… and as a grand finale I plan to blow the terrified audience off their chairs with the biggest, foulest fart ever witnessed!’

  Rumblefart concluded, nodding graciously as the crowd whooped and clapped. ‘But I will need two volunteers to bring Stinkypinks on the night to ensure the most revolting bouquet.’

  Miffni and Pong Pong immediately put their hands up.

  ‘Excellent,’ said Rumblefart. ‘The rest of you will meet me in the playground before curtain up at seven p.m. Then we will take to the stage and turn Beauty and the Beast into Beauty and the Beastly Bottom!’ he yelled, turning his back on the crowd and letting out two honking farts that made Urk’s forks vibrate.

  ‘HONK! HONK!’ cheered the Monster Mob.

  As the smaller monsters drifted away in search of refreshments, Urk watched as Miffni and Pong Pong flustered around Rumblefart, who dismounted the table like a saggy beachball. Will was watching too, and after a hoof-nudge from his friend, the boy shuffled closer so they could eavesdrop.

  ‘Oh, you were wonderful, Rumblebum!’ sighed Pong Pong, batting her eyelids at the monster.

  ‘His name is Rumblefart,’ corrected Miffni, batting her own eyelids even harder.

  The two monsters then stopped and glared at each other.

  ‘Actually, you’re both correct,’ said Rumblefart, slithering between the fuming friends. ‘My name is Rumblefart,’ he smiled, nodding to Miffni. ‘And I was truly wonderful!’ he added, patting Pong Pong on the head.

  Miffni and Pong Pong immediately put their squabbling aside to take instructions from their leader. Rumblefart told them that a large crop of Stinkypinks could be found in Monsterland’s Grisly Gardens and stressed how important the flowers were for the success of his grand finale.

  The pair then hung on every word as the spotty monster went on to describe in detail how the revolting blooms guaranteed a belly full of wind that would smell like an open sewer.

  ‘Anyone would think he’s reading poetry to them,’ whispered Will, as Miffni and Pong Pong swooned over fancy fart descriptions, including ‘The putrid bum-rattler’ and ‘A stinky honkeroo’.

  ‘They must have a serious crush on him!’ whispered Urk. ‘Which explains my sister’s sudden interest in scaring fleshblobs.’

  Urk and Will watched as Rumblefart finally handed two bro
wn sacks to Miffni and Pong Pong, and then bounded away towards the exit of The Monster Mash – delivering a series of tooting farts with each hefty hop.

  ‘He’s so handsome!’ sighed Miffni, clasping her hands together.

  ‘And gifted too,’ sighed Pong Pong, wafting a hand in front of her snout.

  ‘I believe his farts are the foulest thing I’ve ever smelled!’

  The pair sniffed the air dreamily until the last traces of rotten cabbage were gone, then they skipped away arm in arm, swinging their empty sacks with glee.

  As they left The Monster Mash and made their way towards Monsterland’s Grisly Gardens, Miffni and Pong Pong were too deep in their romantic daydreams to notice a tall, raggedy figure zigzagging after them.

  6

  The Grisly Gardens

  When Miffni and Pong Pong entered the Grisly Gardens, the tall Jub Jub ducked behind a bush and emerged moments later as a small young monster and a regular-sized Jub Jub. Urk immediately took out the Monsterbook and looked up Rumblefart, informing Will that they were now up against a rebellious teenage Windbag.

  ‘Yuck!’ said Will, after reading the Windbag description.

  ‘I know!’ replied Urk, pulling a face. ‘A diet of cabbage and beans!’

  ‘So what’s our plan now?’ asked Will. ‘Telling your parents about your sister won’t do any good now we’re dealing with Rumblefart and his Monster Mob. And Miffni and Pong Pong would probably warn him that we’ve been snooping around.’

  ‘We also have the monster at your school to worry about,’ said Urk.

  ‘Grant Butcher,’ sighed Will. ‘If I’d known he was a monster, we could have dealt with him ages ago and Rumblefart would never have known about the school play.’

  ‘We’ll just have to come up with a brand-new plan,’ said Urk, peering over the bush as Miffni and Pong Pong strolled up to a Snot Tree, plucked Bogey Buds from its branches and stuffed them in their mouths. ‘But in the meantime I think we should keep an eye on those two to see if they reveal any more information.’

  Urk and Will followed at a safe distance as Miffni and Pong Pong made their way through the winding paths of the Grisly Gardens, examining all the strange flowers and shrubs that Monsterland had to offer.

  GRISLY GARDENS

  Grisly Gardens contains all Known plants that thrive under Monsterland’s murky lightbulbs, including:

  WARNING

  Visitors to the Grisly Gardens may eat the fruits and flowers on display, but are warned that the fruits and flowers on display might try to eat them too!

  Urk steered Will round the jabbing thorns of an aggressive shrub, then they hurried down the path and hid behind the thick, damp stalk of a giant mushroom. They poked their heads out and watched as Miffni and Pong Pong entered a large flowerbed filled with bright pink blooms.

  ‘Those are roses!’ whispered Will, pressing his forks either side of his nose as a revolting stench suddenly filled his nostrils. ‘But I can’t smell them because there seems to be an open sewer nearby.’

  ‘Those are Stinkypinks,’ Urk chuckled. ‘And what you’re smelling is their putrid perfume.’

  To confirm this, Miffni and Pong Pong began snatching off the heads of the flowers and stuffing handfuls of the bright pink petals into their sacks. They stomped through the bushes chatting and laughing, and by the time they were finished the flowerbed was bare.

  Urk and Will pressed themselves close to the mushroom stalk as Miffni and Pong Pong stomped back along the path, too busy listing all the many wonders of Rumblefart to pay attention to the giant fungus. That was until they heard a very loud noise that stopped them in their tracks.

  ‘ATCHOOOO!’ sneezed Urk, and clasped his hands across his mouth.

  Urk and Will didn’t dare peek round the fungus stalk to see if they’d been spotted, so the next thing they saw was a long stripy tentacle that coiled round their waists and yanked them into the open. Pong Pong suspended them effortlessly with her extendable limb as Miffni stepped forward and stood face to face with her brother, who was wriggling and kicking his legs wildly.

  ‘Well, well, well!’ she snorted. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘None of your business!’ Urk growled, sounding braver than he felt.

  ‘They followed us!’ said Pong Pong, shaking the prisoners irritably.

  ‘No! We just came here to see the

  Monster Muncher plant,’ Urk said quickly. ‘But then we saw you two picking flowers and thought we’d better stay out of your way. So we hid behind the giant mushroom.’

  Miffni narrowed her eyes and turned to Will.

  ‘Is that true?’ she asked, prodding the Jub Jub with a chubby finger.

  Will nodded eagerly, hoping Urk’s sister wouldn’t glance under his flapping sack to find a pair of muddy trainers dangling in the air. If Miffni discovered that her brother’s friend was a fleshblob, the school play would be the least of their worries.

  ‘What do you think, Pong Pong?’ asked Miffni, scratching her chin thoughtfully.

  ‘I think they’re lying!’ Pong Pong growled, and gave them another hard shake.

  ‘But if they’re telling the truth, I wouldn’t want to disappoint my darling little brother,’ sneered Miffni, giving her friend a wicked grin. ‘Maybe we should make sure they get a really good look at the Monster Muncher?’

  ‘But they’re annoying little Flea Bugs and we hate them,’ frowned Pong Pong, scratching her head. ‘Why would we want to help them if we hate them?’

  ‘I mean we’re going to dump them in the Monster Muncher, you pea-brain!’ snapped Miffni, rolling her eyes at her friend’s stupidity as she stomped away.

  ‘Bring them!’ she demanded.

  Pong Pong grudgingly followed Miffni, mumbling to herself as she dragged Urk and Will through a winding path of Creepy Creepers. Eventually they came to the Monster Muncher enclosure where the plant twitched with excitement as its roots detected a possible meal approaching.

  Under Miffni’s instructions, Pong Pong put down her sack of petals and dangled the prisoners over the open mouth of the Monster Muncher, where a large wet tongue lapped hungrily at the air.

  ‘Any last words?’ asked Miffni, peering up at them.

  Will glanced down into the gaping mouth of the plant, but he was too terrified to speak and left it to Urk, trusting that his friend would say whatever was needed for his sister to set them free – even if it meant some serious begging and flattery.

  ‘Lipgloss makes you look fat!’ Urk hissed, folding his arms defiantly.

  ‘Uh?’ gasped Will.

  With a nod from Miffni, Pong Pong suddenly released Urk and Will and they dropped into the sticky, gaping mouth of the Monster Muncher plant.

  Urk’s sister and her friend then skipped away down the path, shrieking with laughter.

  7

  The Monster Muncher

  ‘I thought you were going to flatter her or beg for mercy!’ Will gasped, desperately trying to pull himself free from the thick, sticky goo that they were sitting in. ‘And now we’re going to get gobbled up by a giant daisy!’

  ‘Miffni would have told Pong Pong to drop us in no matter what,’ said Urk, pulling off his rucksack and placing it in his lap. ‘But we won’t be gobbled up,’ he added reassuringly. ‘We’ll just be stuck here until tomorrow night when the gardeners will come and pull us out.’

  ‘How do you know?’ asked Will.

  ‘Because she’s thrown me in here before,’ said Urk, pulling out the Monsterbook and flicking through the ‘Putrid Plants and Foul Flowers’ section. ‘But I don’t plan on staying that long.’

  Will realized they were not actually sinking any further into the flower and relaxed a little as Urk found the Monster Muncher description and opened the book for them both to read.

  ‘I guess we both taste good,’ said Will.

  ‘It looks that way,’ said Urk, glancing around until his eyes fell on something large and brown that was propped against the railings of t
he enclosure. ‘But I’ll bet they taste pretty unpleasant.’

  He was looking at Pong Pong’s sack of Stinkypinks.

  ‘She must have forgotten to pick them up!’ gasped Will.

  Urk nodded and leaned forward as far as he could on the swaying stem of the flower, but the sack was just out of reach. Then he spotted Will’s shiny cutlery and raised an eyebrow.

  After a few minutes spent tying the forks together with loose threads from the Jub Jub cloth, they had a long crooked tool that would reach through the railings. Luckily the sack was light, and after a few false starts they managed to drag it into the flower.

  Once it was in reach of his hands, Urk passed the forks back to his friend and opened the top of the sack. His nose suddenly filled with putrid perfume and he quickly snatched it shut again.

  ‘Yep! They should do the trick,’ he gagged. ‘Now hold your breath!’

  Urk held his breath too as he shook the contents of the sack all around them and then watched with watering eyes as the Stinkypink petals began to sink into the goo. At first nothing happened, then the flower began twitching beneath them as it absorbed the foul flavours.

  ‘Any minute now!’ warned Urk.

  Will nodded bravely and closed his eyes as the flower suddenly lurched backwards and then flung them across the Grisly Gardens in a shower of sticky pink petals.

  Fortunately they landed in a shallow pond full of harmless Bogtoads, who snatched the petals with their long tongues while the water washed away the goo.