I'm facing my window, my head is resting on the headrest, and my eyes are closed. I'm contemplating everything that happened tonight.
Suddenly, I feel Jack's hand softly caressing my cheek. He's looking at me. I can feel his caring eyes like a soft, warm blanket. After a few seconds, he reaches down, grabs my hand, and holds it tenderly. I don't make a sound or move an inch.
I'm in awe of him, of his uninhibited warmth, but I'm bewildered. I don't know why he's doing this, why he's so affectionate to a girl that only today acknowledged his presence. His guileless touch means everything. I haven't felt genuine affection in a long time, and I crave it. I need it.
Maybe he's just being nice because he thinks I'm still unglued. Even so, everything he's done tonight feels sincere.
He's so disarming.
With a simple touch, he's given me hope that I can survive what's left of my sick addiction to Mike. I don't want him to let go of my hand, because right now, he's the medicine I desperately need for my vulnerable heart and bruised self-esteem.
He's holding me outside my front door, neither of us wants to let go. His arms around me feel safe, like an anchor I can hold on to in a storm. He pulls away only when he hears Sam's car approaching. He gently kisses me on the cheek and squeezes my hand.
I stand there for a moment, gazing into his earnest bluish-gray eyes, wondering what tonight means.
I give him a quick kiss on the side of his lips and say good night.
●●●
"So, what else happened?" asks Marie.
We're sitting at the kitchen table, and I tell her about Jack's affection in the car. She's drinking a glass of water listening closely.
"Marie, why didn't I meet Jack before?" I ask, genuinely intrigued.
"I think you did, you must have. He's always been there. You don't remember meeting him?"
I shake my head no.
"I'm not surprised. From the moment you met Mike, he was it for you."
"I suppose so," I say distracted. I'm in my head, trying to make sense of how I feel about what happened with Jack.
"I'm so confused and elated at the same time about tonight. What does it mean?" I share my bewilderment with her.
"What do you want it to mean?"
What? Why is she answering me with a question?
"I need your advice, Marie. I've gone over every single detail of this night in my head, and you answer me with a cryptic question that's not very helpful," I fret.
"I'm not trying to confuse you," she responds. "But you're just coming out of a really bad situation. I want you to take it slow. Are you ready to take on another relationship, with Jack Milian of all people?"
"Relationship!" I retort. "I'm just trying to cope with what happened tonight. I'm trying to figure out why Jack kissed me, why he was so affectionate. He's so…different. And you were the one that was all, 'he's got beautiful eyes' and 'he's a good guy, Ellie,'" I say mockingly. "I'm confused because I liked it, Marie. His arms around me felt safe and comforting, and I need that, I need it so much!"
She peers at me, her eyes narrowed, mulling over my words.
"I know you need it, Ellie, and I'm happy Jack gave you that, because he is different," she says finally. "He's no Mike, that's for sure. He is a good egg. Hell, you experienced it yourself tonight. You wouldn't be so confused, if he had been another Mike." She's eyeing me sideways, checking that I'm not sulking at her unflattering inference about my ex. "Mike is a friend, and I care for him, but honestly, he was never this affectionate in comparison. I mean, he loved you, but did he ever show it so openly?"
"There were moments," I reply pensive.
"Moments, Ellie, in three years, just moments," she sighs. "Whatever this thing with Jack turns out to be, whatever you want it to turn into, just take it slow. You've had enough heartache for one lifetime. And while Jack may help you heal, there's always a risk. It's part of the deal of life. Just make sure you're ready to handle it. That's all. One step at a time."
"And?" I ask, because I know there's more coming.
"And," she gives me an uneasy look. "On the way here, I was pumping Sam for info on Jack. He's a hottie, that one, and I've heard he's got women at his beck and call. Sam insinuated that he may be dating someone. I couldn't get a definitive answer out of him, but I thought you should know. I'm not saying he's a player. I'm just saying don't pin all your hopes on him, at least not until you know him better. 'Comforting, safe' arms is a powerful thing, Ellie."
I frown in thought. I am scared of getting hurt again, and I'm trying to understand my feelings for Jack. Do I have feelings for Jack, or is he just a hell of a guy that happened to me one night at a bar when I needed affection? It's certainly too soon to think I have any real feelings for him, but I do like him, and I want to see him again. I can definitely benefit from his kind of affection. And frankly, he's nothing to scowl at!
But the question remains…
Can I put my need for affection before Jack's friendship with Mike? That would be incredibly selfish. I could potentially hurt Jack and get my heart broken all over again. Not to mention that all possibilities of a renewed relationship between Mike and me will surely disappear.
Don't be stupid, Ellie. That possibility is long gone.
"Listen, I don't think Jack's lady conquests or girlfriends are a problem. Frankly, they're none of my concern. I do admit what happened between us was quite…thrilling."
I'm deceiving myself, it was more than that, but my ego has taken over in an attempt to protect me.
"I have no intention of getting into any kind of relationship with him. One, I agree with you, my heart is still healing. Two, Jack is my ex's friend," I assure her.
"Okay, Ellie, if you say so. I just thought I should give you the scoop."
"I know, and I love you for watching out for me," I blow her a kiss, grateful to have a friend who understands me.
"Also," she says as she's about to leave. "Don't be scared of another chance at love, Ellie. Hold steady and accept whatever good things come your way. Give it a chance. If it's with Jack, no other woman can get in the way. Mike shouldn't be an obstacle either. Remember, he left you. You deserve happiness, Ellie. Promise me."
I nod yes and blow her another kiss.
She smiles, winks, and says good night.
CHAPTER 12
CHRISTMAS IS JUST around the corner. I can't believe the year is almost over. So much has happened since I moved to LA.
Back then, I had hoped to spend the holidays with Mike and his family. I met his mom last Christmas and gave her a lovely gift. I was looking forward to getting to know my would-be mother-in-law.
How life changes…that premise now seems inane.
We're spending Christmas with Marie's parents in Phoenix. I would have liked to go home to Chicago, but I'm low on cash. I told mom I have a lot of work, and she understood. She's happy knowing I'll be spending the holidays with Marie and her parents, whom are like family.
Despite everything that's happened, my luck continues to change for the better. I heard back from the magazine and have a second interview set for early next year. It's already mid-December, and most people are preparing for some much needed holiday R&R.
And tomorrow is the 18th, my birthday.
This would normally be the perfect excuse to throw a party, something Marie and I excel at, but this year I've opted for a quiet celebration. I've also rejected Marie's suggestion that we go out with Sam and Jack. I'm not quite sure what that night at Busby's was about, and I haven't heard from Jack since. I'm starting to think the player reputation is true, but I don't want to think about it too much.
I'm getting a head start on my first New Year's resolutions: positive thoughts, positive attitude.
●●●
I reach for the iPhone that won't stop ringing, and open one eye to examine it. It's 6:00 a.m., and it's Rob.
"Hi," I answer in a muffled voice.
"It's your birthday, hey, hey, it's your birthday…Ellie's getting old, it's her birthday," he sings.
I snort a laugh.
"Happy birthday, I love you!" Then he adds in a low voice, like someone's watching him, "Have to go, a client just came in."
"I love you too!" I shout back, as he's hanging up.
I yawn with a happy smile, turn to my side, snuggle, and go back to sleep.
I wake up with "Las Mañanitas" blaring all over the house. The iPhone says it's 7:00.
What a great way to wake up!
Marie's in the kitchen in her PJs making coffee, waiting for me with my favorite Triple Berry Short Cake from Sweet Lady Jane. She's the best at spoiling me.
"Happy Birthday!" she greets me with open arms. "Cake and coffee for breakfast?"
"Sounds delicious," I give her a grateful smile, hug her tightly, shaking her from side to side, and don't let go.
"Ah, stop," she laughs.
I let go when my cell pings. My stomach drops, because I'm secretly hoping it's Jack.
Sam: Happy BDay Ellie! Big kiss!
"Sam," I hold up my cell to show Marie, before grabbing some coffee.
"Are you sure you don't want the guys to join us at your birthday dinner tonight?" she places a slice of cake on my plate, as she sits at the table.
I shake my head no.
"You can call or text him, Ellie."
"I don't know what you mean, Marie," I narrow my eyes at her, as I sit at the table and pour half-and-half in my coffee.
"His name is Jack, and he's waiting to hear from you."
"What!" I stop stirring my coffee and stare at her, startled.
"Thought you didn't know what I meant," she teases.
"Seriously, we're going to play this game, on my birthday?"
"I stopped by Trader Joe's last night to get some last minute groceries, and I bumped into Jack. He asked about you. I told him you're doing well, and he said he hopes to see you soon."
"See me soon or see us soon?" I question dramatically.
"See you soon," she points at me, mid-spoonful of cake.
"And you're telling me this just now because…?" I sound more peeved than I intend.
"Because you were sleeping when I got home, and you just woke up, birthday girl."
"Oh," I mope. "It's my birthday, and he should reach out to me. He's got a great excuse. Don't you think?"
"Yes, he should, and yes, he does," she laughs, shaking her head amused.
Glad I can entertain her.
●●●
Marie and I continue celebrating my birthday with a delicious dinner at Frida Mexican Cuisine in Beverly Hills, one of my favorite restaurants.
My rib-eye tacos are delicious, and Marie sure looks like she's enjoying her ceviche, because she's unusually quiet.
And the drinks are superb!
Between margaritas, we brush up on everything that's happened, including my crushed life plans with Mike and my new friendship with Jack.
"Most of all, Ellie, I'm glad you're almost your old self. I can see it. You're more present, more determined, more alive, and it's great to witness," she observes cheerfully.
"I am better, that's for sure. The responsibilities at the record label, the freelance, and the job search have kept me busy and distracted," I say between sips of my margarita.
"And Jack. He's been quite a distraction," she says suggestively.
I take a big gulp of my drink, because I don't know how much credit to give him. That night at Busby's was a bit of a turning point, but I haven't heard from him since.
And it's been two weeks.
Jack and Ellie could turn out to be more of a complication than Mike and Ellie.
"I do have to admit his attentiveness was surprising, and what I didn't know I needed. But I've just technically met him, and I haven't heard from him. Maybe it's for the best," I try to sound nonchalant.
"But there might be something there, Ellie. He wouldn't have asked about you, if he wasn't interested at least a tiny, tiny bit," she banters.
I grin, hoping she's right, because deep down I do want to see him again.
Then she adds a warning, "Just try not to get hurt. Jack is hot, but you and he becoming a thing has the potential of creating a brouhaha that can potentially end his friendship with Mike. Dating your best friend's ex…yikes."
"Well, that's disconcerting!"
How did we go from Jack may be interested in you, to you can end his friendship with Mike and fuck up his life?
"Talk about a guilt trip," I add offended.
"No, no, no," she back peddles quickly. "That's not what I mean…"
"I've thought about that too, Marie," I interrupt her. "It was just one kiss, nothing more. And I shouldn't give a crap about what can upset Mike. You said it yourself, he left me. But I don't want Jack caught in the crossfire of 'Mike and Ellie's bitchy fallout.' He doesn't deserve that, because he's been nothing but kind to me. All I know right now is Jack made me feel…good, despite my injured heart," I say candidly, the margaritas obviously affecting me. "Whatever happens next, I don't know, and right now, I don't care," I giggle.
"I'm not trying to guilt trip you, please know that. That's the last thing I would do. But looking at this from the outside, I can see where the chips have the potential of falling. I don't want you getting tangled up and hurt again. That's all," she takes my hand and squeezes it to reassure me.
"I do know, and I appreciate your honesty. It may burn sometimes, but I know it comes from a place of love. I can't ask for anything more."
I lift my margarita glass as a peace offering, "Cheers!"
I don't want to talk about Jack or Mike anymore. It's my birthday, I'm a year older, hopefully a bit wiser, and I just want to celebrate.
"Damn, I can be bitchy when I'm drinking," she jibes.
"Can't argue with that," I stick my tongue out at her playfully. "Thank you for this dinner, Marie, for getting me out of bed, for supporting me no matter what."
"We're sisters, and you'd do the same for me," she replies, lifts her margarita glass to me and we click, "Salud!"
My iPhone pings.
Jack: Happy birthday beautiful! See you soon yea?
"It's Jack!" I'm giddy with excitement and show Marie my cell.
CHAPTER 13
"HIYA, BEAUTIFUL!" My bestie Rob twirls me around when he sees me. I've come to pick him up at LAX. He's visiting for Christmas and New Year's.
He just broke up with his girlfriend, and decided to spend the holidays with me to put some distance between her and his injured heart.
I love having him here.
He's tall, athletic, and irreverent, and at 25, he's wise beyond his years. He's very handsome and would be perfect for me, if we hadn't fallen head over heels in friendship first. We joke that we'll marry each other if neither of us finds our true love by the time I'm 35.
I share everything with him, and he always gives me brutal, honest advice. I can do without the brutal, but the honest I can use, especially now that I'm seeing Jack tomorrow.
"How's what's-her-name?" I ask about his ex.
"I don't know," he says in a low, husky voice and shrugs. "I don't really want to discuss it. It was too short, too fast, and too meaningless. And by that, I mean the relationship," he quips.
"Ha, ha, ha," I retort sarcastically. "I love having you here, Robby Dovey!"
I enjoy tormenting him with my overly silly nickname. He says it's too cutesy, because he's such a jock. I think he secretly loves it, because he's never asked me to stop.
"It's good to see you too, scoundrel. I've missed you," his green eyes dance with joy, as he gives me another big bear hug.
His blond, wavy hair is much longer than the last time I saw him — when he flew me to New York the weekend after I confronted Mike — and it's falling over his face. I reach up and move a few locks of hair away from his eyes.
He smiles s
weetly and returns my display of affection. "Mi nena, my sui generis, and, oh, so sophisticated diva," he says lovingly, grabs my hand and kisses it gently. He's reminding me of Miguel Bosé's song, "Nena," which he once dedicated to me — though he added a few ornate words to make me blush.
I smile back timidly, as we head out of the airport.
●●●
"How's the job?" I ask Rob during the drive home. He's a director at a talent agency and knows everyone who's anyone.
"Stressful as always," he sighs, while checking his emails on his iPhone. "We're still spending Christmas in Phoenix?" he looks up at me and puts the device away.
"Yes, Marie's mom and dad are expecting us. They're amazing, and I'm sure we're going to have a great time," I reassure him.
Marie's parents moved to the scorching, hot desert called Phoenix last year. They've always treated me like a second daughter, and they don't mind the mayhem that Marie and I get into during the holidays. In fact, they're usually right there with us, helping to plan and execute the crazy party ideas we come up with. As an only child, they're grateful Marie and I love each other like sisters.
"Hi, gorgeous," Marie welcomes Rob, when we arrive home. "How was your flight?"
"Uneventful," he replies, hugging her.
"Looking good, Mr. All-tall-and-muscular," she examines him.
"I try," he jests.
It's late, and we all head to my bedroom to begin the long catch up.
Rob's lying on the bed next to me, my head is on his chest, and Marie is sitting with her legs crossed near my feet.
"So, I'm meeting the infamous Jack Milian tomorrow?" he asks mischievously.
"Yes," I feign disinterest.
"What's he like, Marie?"
Why does he want to hear it from her and not me?
She giggles, and I sulk.
"He's great, you'll like him," she grins.
"You know I wasn't very keen on Mike, at all!"
"She's aware," I respond.
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