The Thing About Love... (The Thing About... #1)

by J. M. Raphaelle

  She says hello. I return the greeting, smiling as best as I can. I don't look at her for long.

  Mike is next to me, and I decide neither of these two fools is going to break me.

  "Is that the new iPhone?" I ask Mike.

  What a trivial and idiotic thing to ask, but my brain is fried with indignation.

  Idiotic will have to do.

  "Yea, here," he smiles and hands it to me.

  "I have the previous version," I show him, holding both iPhones in my hands.

  "Are they really that different?" I engage him so he moves closer to me, hoping to really piss off Jack.

  He deserves it!

  "Not by much, here I'll show you," he takes his iPhone and scurries even closer, so close that my arm is touching his.

  This is the Mike I knew, the guy with a heart who was once attentive and sweet. How things have changed. Despite his reprehensible behavior, I don't hate him, though I certainly don't love him anymore. I would rather it was Jack sitting back here with me.

  Mike and I are almost comfortable with each other, but that's all it is. Anyone looking in from the outside would assume we're back together. They'd be wrong, but maybe we can be friends one day.

  Jack floors the gas, startling us.

  "Careful," I meet his gaze in the rearview mirror. "Precious cargo on board. Your precious cargo in the front," I hiss at him with contempt and get back to Mike.

  I don't look at him again. I concentrate on Mike. I don't want to hear anything she's saying to him or his response.

  To think that some days ago, he was in my bed taking care of me. I can't wrap my head around it. Why does he do this? He's my perfect, loving Jack one minute, and the next, he's doing everything in his power to ruin things.

  CHAPTER 32

  WE'RE AT A HOUSE party in the Hollywood Hills. I don't know anyone here and neither does Marie. Who the hell decided to come to this random outing?

  Ugh, how infuriating!

  Jack finds a place a few feet away from the rest of us and settles there. He looks distant, detached, and dejected.

  It's his fault!

  I don't want Mike, I love him, and yet he seems to be saying, "Go ahead, Mike. She's all yours. Take her back. I don't care!"

  Not that I'm entirely convinced that's what Mike is after. He just wants to make sure everyone knows I belong to him, because apparently he has no clue I've moved on. And Jack isn't getting in his way. Why? Is he scared of Mike? That can't be it. Jack can take him, easily. But if Jack isn't afraid of Mike, then what is it? Why isn't he standing here with his arms around me, his lips on mine, letting the world know I'm his?

  "You want to try this?" Mike offers me his drink.

  "No," I respond harshly and walk away. I've worked myself into a fury. All I want is to be out of this purgatory.

  "Muñe, calm down," Marie puts her arm around my shoulders and pulls me aside.

  "I know, but I feel like kicking Mike in the balls and decking Jack," I growl.

  She giggles, "Well, you can take them for sure."

  "Why is Jack doing this? One day we're great, the next he's bringing Mike and a 'friend' on our date. How fucked up is that!" I laugh loudly, because it's better than crying.

  Marie hugs me. "Look," she says, eyeing Jack.

  He looks miserable.

  Despite my resentment and anger, I can't resist him. I walk over to him, not giving a crap that his "friend" is nearby.

  He's mine! He may not claim me, but I claim him!

  I stand in front of him feeling uneasy but hopeful, all at the same time.

  Your move, Jack...

  He gives me a warm, caring smile and hands me his drink. He seems relieved that I'm making an effort. I take the glass, take a sip, and hand it back to him. We do this, our thing, not saying a word, just gazing at each other. It's just him and me, together.

  It's not long before Sam announces we're leaving. We haven't been here more than an hour or so, but none of us are having a good time.

  I'm riding in the back seat with Mike again. It's fucking awkward. I'm so peeved at Jack. I swallowed my pride and disappointment. I made the first move. I approached him tonight. I chose him. He could've chosen me too. He could've told her and Mike to fuck off. He could've led me to the front seat of his car to ride with him, but he didn't. That speaks volumes.

  We drop off Jack's "friend" at her apartment. He says goodbye to her, but we don't leave immediately. Mike steps out of the car and joins Jack to talk.

  Marie and Sam were following us in Sam's car, and as soon as they arrive, Sam joins Jack and Mike.

  They're standing several feet from either car, far away enough that neither Marie nor I can hear their powwow.

  What are they discussing?

  Ellie: What the hell are they saying?

  Marie: No idea. It's the strangest night ever

  Ellie: Seriously!

  Marie: Sam said you were rude to Mike

  Ellie: Cause I didn't take his drink? Mike's done worse to me. Screw him…them!

  Marie: That's what I said. How are you doing?

  Ellie: At a breaking point!

  Marie: Hold on we'll be home soon

  Ellie: If these fuckers hurry up

  Marie: LOL!

  Ellie: And why am I still in this car? I'm going with you so Jack and Mike can be happy together since they love each other so much!

  I'm opening the car door to get out, when Jack and Mike get back in. Jack turns on the car to leave.

  Damn it!

  Ellie: Missed the window of opportunity

  Marie: Don't worry we'll be home soon

  Marie: Are they talking to you?

  Ellie: No and they better not. Fuckers!

  Marie: LOL!!!

  Mike is messing with the radio and settles on an Oldies Spanish station.

  This night is getting more bizarre by the minute!

  I start softly singing along to the radio.

  Ellie: Shit I was just singing a song and now Mike's going think it's about him

  Marie: Which one?

  Ellie: Selena the one about hoping deep in your soul he'd stay forever then he leaves so now you can only be friends

  Marie: No me queda más?

  Ellie: Ugh yes!

  Marie: Shit stop singing!

  Ellie: Duh I did!

  I giggle at our exchange.

  I'm glad the boys are hearing me laugh. I don't want their last image of me to be of a distraught Ellie.

  I never imagined Jack would treat me this way, but apparently, I was wrong. They've both seen me at my worst, and I won't give them the satisfaction ever again!

  We're close to home, and I'm ready to end this icky night once and for all. I'm going to need a long shower to wash off the stench of this evening.

  I jump out of the car as soon as we arrive home.

  "It was nice seeing you, Mike," I kiss him on the cheek good night.

  "Bye, Jack," I wave quickly, and don't wait for him to come around the car to kiss me goodbye — not that he was going to anyway. He's lost that right, at least for tonight…maybe longer.

  "Bye, Sam," I shout at him, while I'm opening the front door to the house. I blow him a big kiss with my hand, letting one special finger protrude.

  I was rude to Mike, huh, Sammy. Here's an extra goodbye for you!

  I'm in the kitchen picking at a muffin and making coffee, when Marie joins me, giggling.

  "Did you just give Sam the middle finger?" she asks, amused.

  "Maybe…but it wasn't just for him, it was for all of them. I'm done, Marie. I'm so done with this shit!" I reply distressed.

  She stops laughing, "Ellie!"

  "I am. I was planning on having a conversation with Jack tonight to tell him the good news about my new job, but I also wanted to finally ask him to make a decision about us. He just made that choice without saying one word. I guess actions do speak lo
uder than words."

  "Ellie, you have to understand the situation," she tries to calm me down.

  I interrupt her.

  "Yea, the code we broke. I get it. But I also know I can't be in this position forever. Mike will be his friend forever. I once loved Mike, and that fact is part of my past. It will never change, ever! And frankly, I wouldn't change it if I could, because you were right. I do thank Mike for leaving me. He forced me to grow up. And because he left me, I met Jack, even though I very much dislike him at the moment. Mike gave me Jack. So whether Jack makes a decision now or later, he will have to make one. And everything he's doing is telling me that he's choosing Mike's friendship over me. It hurts like hell, but it's okay."

  Marie is silent. One of the few times she's not trying to convince me of this or the other. One of the few times she doesn't have some quick advice for me.

  She knows I'm right.

  "You know my new boss asked me to confirm that I am staying in LA. I asked her to give me a few days to let her know for sure. Who does that? This happened yesterday morning, Marie. Yesterday morning my gut was telling me to leave my options open. My intuition was reminding me that Jack hasn't chosen me, that he's not completely mine. I may be going to New York," I sigh sadly at the realization that Jack and I may be over.

  "Ellie, you can't just go. You have to talk to him, tell him what you're telling me. He may not deserve it entirely, but please do it for yourself," she pleads.

  "Yea, I'll sleep on it. I promise. You want to do something fun tomorrow?" I ask, because I don't want to dwell on today any more.

  She's bemused. She was expecting me to spend Sunday in bed crying. That's old school Ellie.

  My cell pings, and I know it's Jack.

  I ignore it.

  My heart is aching because of him, and right now, I can't handle reading or hearing his excuses.

  Not tonight.

  CHAPTER 33

  I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT The Grove is one of the most beautiful shopping centers in LA, especially at night. During Christmas, it's like stepping inside a movie, and you can't help but be joyful.

  Marie and I are spending this beautiful, spring Sunday there. We've chosen to have lunch at the Farmers Market. I love that place. It's so inviting, and the food options are varied and always delicious.

  The plan is to do some shopping, window shopping at least. I've always been fascinated by the assortment of designer shoes at Nordstrom. If I could only afford them — I will one day. Right now, it doesn't hurt to browse and try on a few pairs just for fun.

  My iPhone is off. It's been off since last night, and I like it. I feel unhindered. I have a lot of thinking to do, important decisions to make and I will…starting tomorrow. Today is just for me and my best friend to enjoy a beautiful day, without any distractions or upsetting reminders.

  I have no worries about having my cell off. My family knows that if an emergency comes up, they can always reach me through Marie. Jack knows it too, but I've warned her I don't want to know if he texts or calls.

  I need a break from him, from his misgivings, from my disappointment at his unwillingness to fight for me.

  Why can't he tell Mike once and for all that we're dating? I suppose I should try to understand his position, but I've given him enough time. I've put up with his "now we're on, and I'm yours" and his "now we're just friends, and I'm showing up with another woman" to prove it.

  It's not my fault Mike invited himself on our date. Jack should've said no and set the record straight about us, but he didn't. I won't know why until I speak with him.

  ●●●

  It's early-evening when Marie and I walk back to the Farmers Market for dinner, after spending hours trying on shoes at Nordstrom.

  The warm, spring breeze softly caresses my cheeks, and it feels comforting. I stop, look up at the sky momentarily with my eyes closed, and take a few deep breaths to fill my lungs.

  I suddenly feel the urge to run.

  I look at Marie with a smile, "I'll race you," and take off like a pro runner — good thing I'm wearing sneakers.

  I glance back at Marie, her 5'3" frame chasing after me, huffing and puffing. "Not fair," she squeaks. "You have longer legs."

  I stop near the entrance to the Farmers Market, out of breath, clenching my stomach, and laughing. She catches up a few seconds later, breathing heavily and smiling. From the look in her eyes, I sense she's wondering why I ran. I don't know exactly why — I'm not particularly fond of running. I think I just needed to exorcise some of the stress that's been building inside me, since last night.

  That felt good!

  Marie finally catches her breath, and we walk straight to Pampas Grill for a delicious churrasco.

  With our plates overflowing with meat and salad, we sit and watch people stroll by as we enjoy our food.

  She's giving me that please-don't-be-mad look she always gives me, when she's about to break the rules. I sense she's aching to ask me about Jack.

  "Spill it, Marie. I know you're dying to ask me something."

  "I am," she giggles nervously. "Why did you love Mike?" she blurts out.

  Not what I expected at all!

  I stare at her a few minutes pondering, unsure how to answer.

  "You don't know?" she prods.

  I decide to come clean.

  "When Rob flew me to New York, the weekend after I confronted Mike, one of his last pieces of advice was to stop fretting about the break up just because I had nothing better to do."

  "Wait, he thought you loved Mike because you were bored?" she interrupts, surprised at what I just said.

  "No, silly," I laugh. "But he had spent the entire weekend listening to me go on and on about Mike, questioning why he left me, what I had done wrong, hearing me complain about how I would never love anyone like that again, blah, blah, blah, and he had had enough. He wanted me to be honest with myself and realize that I didn't want to let go of Mike, because it was easier to live obsessed in a tortured fantasy world, than face reality, and open my heart to new possibilities. You know why? Because doing so would have taken effort, self-love, and guts. Deep down, I always knew Mike wasn't mine, that we weren't a good fit," I take a deep breath, as I realize the depth of my own admission.

  "I loved Mike because he's good looking, he turned my life upside down, and it was exciting. I loved him because he wasn't entirely available, and it allowed me to live in a fake-fairytale relationship. I loved him because his bad-boy, detached approach appealed to me. I loved him because in those rare moments, when he let the walls down and opened his heart, it felt like heaven. I loved him because sometimes love is irrational, and I still had some growing up to do. What can I say?"

  "Wow, I just opened Pandora's box," she exclaims giggling.

  I laugh with her.

  "Not quite," I reply. "But you asked, and I was ready to answer."

  Her second question, I wasn't ready for.

  "Why do you love Jack?" she eyes me timidly, hoping she didn't just ruin my mood by bringing him up, when I asked her not to. But I'll bite. Maybe talking about it will help me put my feelings in order.

  "Because he's fucking HOT!" I peel my eyes at her. "Every…Single…Inch…of Him is Delicious!"

  She laughs and practically chokes on her food.

  "I can agree with that," she says, after she's regained her composure.

  "He is hot. He's beautiful, damn beautiful!" I take a deep breath and continue in a more serious tone. "But that's just the wrapping. Jack saw me when no one else did, when I was so broken, I couldn't even see myself. He stuck with me, when he didn't have to. And when those bluish-grays look at me, when he touches me, kisses me…It's everything! When we're together, he makes me feel like the sun shines just for me, like the earth is spinning simply because I exist, like the galaxies are within my reach. We haven't made love yet, but just thinking about what it would feel like when his mouth is on me, when his hands are tracing my bo
dy, when the warmth of his love overruns me…in that moment of pure, unadulterated passion when we're finally entirely skin to skin…" I stop, sigh, and shiver.

  I have to stop my train of thought before I combust.

  "As gorgeous as he is on the outside, he's all substance on the inside. He's loving, caring, kindhearted, spontaneous, funny, determined, strong, and smart as hell! He treats me like I'm his priority — despite his most recent actions," I say sadly, because the thought of him with her burns inside my soul. "I have a million reasons to love him," I finish and smile, feeling gloomy and uneasy.

  "So give him a chance to explain," she appeals.

  "I will, but I need time. I need time to arm myself with the strength to withstand whatever he says to me and to be strong enough to walk away, if I have to. I need time, Marie, just a bit more time."

  "You can't walk away, Ellie. He's your Prince Charming, your happily ever after," she implores, pulling at my heartstrings.

  "I agree, but he has yet to choose me. I have to be prepared for every scenario. I love him enough to understand that. I will speak with him, I promise, just not today. Enough about Jack and Mike!" I beseech her.

  "Yes," she replies and pretends to zip her lips with her fingers, locks them, and throws away the key.

  I smile satisfied that this conversation is over and get back to my food.

  ●●●

  We're home late, with just enough time to shower and prepare for tomorrow's work day.

  I turn my iPhone back on, because I need the alarm to wake me up in the morning. The screen immediately lights up with notices of missed texts and voicemails.

  I ignore them.

  They'll have to wait, especially if they're from Jack.

  I'm handing in my letter of resignation at the record label in the morning and only giving them a few days' notice, because I may end up moving to New York. If I do, I need extra time to prepare for the move. If I don't, I can still use a few days to meditate and work on me.

  But first things first…sleep.

  CHAPTER 34