by A Zukowski
throat threatens to choke him. He can’t face the
media attention, and it will all rub salt in the wound
25
for Samantha’s parents. Samuel Taylor is not a man
to cross. Even though Alex found his father-in-law
reasonable, the East End hard man has a reputation
to uphold. Alex is expecting retaliation anytime
although he made a decision while serving his
sentence that he was not going to run away. He will
face the music when the time comes because he
deserves every punishment.
“I’ll think about it.” Alex rings off and
immediately contacts the bank to change his
account access in case Tony sucks him completely
dry. His old manager will lose interest in him soon
enough because he’s no longer a cash cow ready for
milking. Freedom sometimes comes in the form of
poverty.
~~~
Thursday is Jeff’s day. Every week in the
afternoon, Chris makes her way across town to the
older man’s apartment in Westbourne Park. The ex-
investment banker has taken early retirement and
lives alone in a beautiful flat.
Jeff opens the door with a wide smile. Chris steps
in and they give each other a friendly peck.
“How’s it going, my love?” Jeff gestures for Chris
to sit on the plump sofa.
“Same old.” Chris shrugs.
Jeff pours Chris a whiskey. “Sorry about last
week. I felt a bit under the weather, and they had to
check it out. I didn’t feel like a visitation.”
“Hey, it’s fine. Your health is far more important.”
Chris kicks her shoes off and takes a sip of the
offered whiskey.
26
“What’s happening in your life? I’m sure it’s a bit
more interesting than talking about ART.” Jeff sits
too and takes a sip of his water. “How’s Elena, the
Spanish lassie?”
“Huh? Elena and I broke up, like, two months
ago!” Chris smiles because it’s not the man’s fault
that her love affairs are all rather short-lived and
most of the break-ups have been clusterfucks. The
verbal abuse she gets when her lovers quit is always
colourful. She should collect it in a compendium:
How Not to Finish With Your Lovers for Dummies.
“You know what your problem is, Chris?” her last
boyfriend had asked her when he broke up with her.
She stared at him but couldn’t summon any strong
emotions. There lay the problem.
He called her a cold-hearted whore and left. Well,
that’s that then. Trashy bastard.
Once, she was chatting up this guy in a bar only to
learn that she’d already gone out with him about
five years ago and they’d split after a couple of
weeks.
Chris
was
embarrassed
about
not
remembering the man at all. Her disastrous love-
affair history plays like a dating show. Chris gets
voted out early in the series every time.
“Well, I’m single again, anyway.” Chris rolls a
joint. Jeff used to smoke but gave it up after being
diagnosed positive. Now, he thinks to hell with it
and enjoys passive smoking when Chris is around.
“So, nothing much to tell about boring Chris.
Some guy moved into my flat, taking Liam’s old
room.”
Her friend Liam occasionally used to service Jeff
when Chris wasn’t available. That’s why Chris
27
justifies serving up the information about Alex.
Nothing to do with how she’s been trying to bump
into her new flatmate some more over the past
week.
“Oh, is he a nutjob like the rest of you?” Jeff
teases.
“Thanks. I love you too!” Chris rolls her eyes and
grins. “I have no idea. His name’s Alex. He’s
enormous and looks like a bouncer. That’s all I
know. We’ve hardly exchanged info.”
Chris has told Jeff a lot of things she wouldn’t tell
anyone else. Chris’s own sorry excuse of a mother
has never acted like a parent, so Jeff has become an
older confidante over the six years they’ve known
each other. Jeff was in a monogamous relationship
with a partner for twenty years. They were supposed
to be exclusive until this boyfriend had an affair and
infected both of them with HIV. When Jeff first told
Chris about his past, she’d felt the familiar anger
about all the injustices in the world. Jeff was
resigned to it. He shrugged it off and said, “Such is
life. Let’s live the best we can, whether we have a
day or fifty more years.”
His treatment has been going well, so there is no
reason he won’t live for decades yet. In fact, he
made so much money, he could relax and enjoy his
life in early retirement. He sings in a gay men’s
choir, views exhibitions and attends theatre
performances all the time. A man of leisure.
“Look at the glint in your eyes,” Jeff coos.
“Enormous and bouncer-like sounds your type,
no?”
“I’m pretty sure he’s straight unless he wants me
28
for a girlfriend.” Chris chuckles.
Jeff nods. “You need to tell him you can be his
girl, darling.”
“He’s got a hundred pounds on me. You should
see his massive biceps. I’d rather not get my arse
kicked.”
Chris’s face darkens for a second while she takes a
toke of her joint before schooling her expression to
neutral and changing the subject.
“Now, I love chatting to you, but let me give you a
good time, yeah? That’s why I’m here.”
“Yeah, all right.” Jeff laughs. “I like talking to you,
though. You don’t need to think of me as a client
and work for your keep.”
Chris only smiles and moves to kiss him. When
she first met Jeff, she offered to give him a blow job
or perform full sex with a condom, but Jeff rejected
the idea. ‘Condoms can leak’ was his reason even
though Chris takes non-prescription PrEp anyway
as a precaution. Jeff insists he’s happy with Chris’s
almost-platonic visits.
Chris can’t do more than kiss, caress and jerk him
off. She feels bad that Jeff always gives her a
hundred quid plus a generous tip. Since they have
become close, Jeff insists on paying her to make
sure she’s not there because she pities him.
Pride. Everyone needs a bit of that. Chris will
come to see Jeff anyway, whether being
compensated or not, because she respects the older
man. But if anyone tries to tell her she’s a tart with a
heart, Chris will rip their head off.
29
CHAPTER 2
BLUE
THE ENTIRE JOHNSON household hug Alex, leaving
him with a neck-ache because some of them are
small, like three-year-old Shona, so he needs to
keep bending do
wn. He wonders if the women have
left a scattergraph of lipstick marks all around his
face and neck. Eventually, Coach ushers them all
into the sitting room.
“Come on, give Alex some space, will ya?”
Once in the sitting room, Alex touches his head
and stands to one side, trying to make himself less
visible, but it’s impossible with his stature.
Paula hollers from the kitchen, “What do you
want to drink?”
“Diet Coke, if you have it, or water. Please.”
Attempting to blend in, Alex sits in an armchair.
Shona comes forward and stands in front of him,
staring, as though she’s trying to work out if the
giant is harmless. “Are you grandda’s student?”
“Yes.”
Coach sweeps the little girl up in one muscular
arm and deposits her in her parent’s lap. “Let me
speak to Uncle Alex first, okay?”
Two of Coach’s children are around, as well as
their partners, so there are eight for Sunday lunch.
By the standard of the Johnson family, that’s a
pretty small gathering. Coach has avoided too many
30
faces today, to give Alex a chance to acclimatise.
He’s considerate like that.
The older man puts a hand on Alex’s shoulder.
“Do you want to come with me out back? We can
have a chat away from the riff-raff.”
His eldest son Dael shouts, “Hey, speak for
yourself, Dad!”
Coach chuckles and leads Alex to the backyard
where they sit on a couple of rickety wooden chairs.
The space is a little wild and overgrown, but like the
rest of the house, it’s a welcoming space for Coach’s
favourite student.
“How are you feeling, son?” Coach asks. For over
twenty years, Dex Johnson has been more of a dad
to Alex than his real father. Alex never wanted to
leave Dex’s training school, but he didn’t have a
choice when he went pro aged seventeen. Coach has
always been there, acting as his mentor and
emotional support whether Alex trained with him or
not. Dex is also the one person who did not
abandon Alex when he went to prison.
Alex puts his hands between his thighs. “Okay, I
guess, given the circumstances. It’s good to be out.”
“How’s the new job? I know it’s not your ideal
career.” Coach lined Alex up for the security job
with his cousin’s company. Dex’s cousin is fine, but
Alex’s direct manager is an asshole who takes
pleasure in ordering the great Alex Whale around.
It’s not Coach’s problem, though, and Alex is
grateful for the introduction nonetheless.
“It’s a start, Dex. Thanks.” Alex can’t hide the
darkness in him, no matter how he tries. He wishes
he could be more positive and had good news to tell
31
Coach.
Dex encourages Alex as always. “I’m sure you’ll
find something better soon. What about boxing?
Have you thought about your career?”
My career. Alex flinches with the words since all
his troubles started when his boxing career was
everything. He left his roots, listened to managers
and trainers who only wanted to exploit him. Sam
changed. His parents and brother tried to squeeze
as much out of him as possible. Alex shakes his
head, but the memory is embedded so deeply in him
that even the words ‘boxing career’ hurt.
Now, the shackles of fame and fortune have
disappeared, leaving him poor and empty, but he’s
not fighting off people who want to suck him dry.
Even the darkest sky has a silver lining.
Has he still got the passion for boxing? He has
tried not to think about it for the past few years.
“I don’t know. Tony asked me about comeback
fights the other day.” Alex stares at Dex’s garden,
not focusing on anything in particular.
Dex tuts. “Tony would, wouldn’t he? I never liked
the little weasel. What about you? Do you want to
do that?”
“No way!” Alex hasn’t considered Tony’s
suggestion seriously because he’s not desperate for
money. His family will have to look after themselves
like everyone else. He made the decision in jail that
he is going to live for himself and not try to be the
Alex Whale that other people rely on. Easier said
than done.
“The prison and probation have kept my release
secret as much as they can. I don’t know what Sam’s
32
family would do if I made a high-profile public
appearance. I’m surprised a death squad hasn’t got
wind of me being out yet.” He chuckles.
“It’s not funny, Alex. You take care of yourself, all
right?” Dex sighs. “I wish they’d understand you’ve
been punished enough. Losing everything overnight
like that. Killing or hurting you is not going to bring
Sam back.”
The mention of Sam not being here anymore
makes Alex want to cry, but it’s not something he
can do in front of anyone, even though Coach has
practically brought him up and seen him at his
worst. Like the last few times Alex has felt tears
prick at the back of his eyes, he clenches his jaw to
stop himself.
Dex looks at him intently. “Our club would love to
have you. It’s not going to be enough as a full-time
job. I can barely make a living out of it now, with
the few after-school and Saturday classes for kids,
plus some adult sessions. But if you like, you can
help me train the youngsters. We’ll share the fees.
I’m getting a bit long in the tooth now, y’know. My
children keep telling me to retire.”
Alex nods. He has noticed the sprinkles of white
in Dex’s black curls. “I’ll think about it and let you
know. I’m taking one step at a time. I’ve never
taught people to box before, though.”
“Well, you’ve got skills and you’re patient. I’m
sure the kids will like you.” Coach smiles, his eyes
sparkling with joy. “Do you know which class I love
to teach most?”
“The pay-what-you-can session?” Alex answers
without thinking. He remembers the first day he
33
met Coach like it was yesterday. His twelve-year-old
self knew boxing was what he wanted to do after
watching Mike Tyson and Lennox Lewis on the
telly. He was lithe and fit, less bulky than the man
he’d grown up to be. He’d heard about Dex’s club;
the Tuesday night class was basically free, and
anyone under eighteen could turn up.
Alex was so nervous when he took the train into
London. Sitting in the rickety carriage, he thought
whoever told him about this had to be lying. Why
would any boxing coach train kids for free? But
once a week, Dex opened the door of his club and
children from the bad neighbourhoods could simply
turn up. Alex use
d to save up his pocket money—a
pound or two a week—to put in the tin, but it hardly
compensated for everything that Dex did for
youngsters like him.
Alex wouldn’t look at Dex directly when he asked
him his name and age. Despite his size, which easily
intimidated people, he was shy and reserved. When
he finally dared to glance at Coach, he thought he
looked like Lewis, and the rest was history.
Coach said he’d taken a shine to him straight
away. At twelve, Alex already towered over other
kids of the same age. He didn’t talk, wouldn’t
socialise, but he had the right attitude and killer
instinct, and he was intelligent—all natural traits
that made him a good athlete.
“You still run those classes?” Didn’t the older man
complain that he wasn’t making enough money?
Dex knows what Alex is thinking. “Can’t quit
them kids. If there’s another Alex Whale among
them, it’s worth it.”
34
Alex would have become a delinquent or stayed in
the dead-end town with a shit job and two point
four children like all his schoolmates back home.
That was another reason why he felt so ashamed
after what happened; he had let Coach down. He
was doing so well in the boxing world before making
one gigantic, irreversible mistake, and he ended up
in jail anyway like many of his childhood
acquaintances.
Alex stares at the mid-distance for a moment.
“If I’m going to box at all, your club will be the
first place I go to, I promise.” The promise is the
only positive thing he can give Coach right now.
Dex lets go of that line of questions. “What about
your flat? How are you settling in?” He’s thought of
everything, making Alex wish his parents were as
caring.
He nods. “It’s okay. There are four of us. To be
honest, I don’t see the other guys much. There’s a
Russian and an Italian. And this young English kid.
He must be a student or something like that. No one
seems to recognise me.”
Chris is the most gorgeous person Alex has met,
but he’s keeping that thought to himself.
At that moment, Paula opens the back door,
letting out a whiff of delicious home cooking. “Hey,
dinner’s ready. Are you coming in?”
Dex turns to her. “We’ll be right there, love.” The
golden couple makes the little sourness in Alex’s
stomach grow. As a kid, he marvelled at Dex and