Blue Jay

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Blue Jay Page 19

by A Zukowski


  for hookups, flirt on Grindr or whatever. But Alex

  means a proper date.” She lights up her blunt at

  their dining table, waiting for Ali’s vegetarian

  shepherd’s pie. She has already told them all about

  Alex.

  Ali whistles. “Wow, I remember Alex Whale on

  the sports channel…” He hesitates as if pondering

  whether he should mention the sensational news

  but instead goes with, “What’s he like?”

  Chris

  smiles,

  appreciating

  her

  friend’s

  consideration. “He’s sweet. I know what happened

  and his reputation, but he’s been nothing but gentle

  and respectful. He treats me like a lady.”

  Liam laughs. “I’d hope so and all.”

  Ali serves up three portions of the pie and they all

  tuck in.

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  “How about you head down to Dalston? You say

  he’s trying to avoid crowds, right?” Liam spoons

  food into his mouth.

  “Sounds like a good plan. We can grab some

  dinner and have a quiet drink.”

  “I never thought I’d see you like this, Chris,” Liam

  comments.

  “Huh? Like what?” She stirs the peas on her plate,

  making patterns with the food.

  “Fucking in love, is what it is. Look at you,

  worrying about going on a date. You never used to

  bother. I thought you’d mistaken fuck buddies for

  lovers.” He chuckles.

  “Laugh at me, why don’t you? Monogamy is a bad

  look on me. Seriously, who’d want me? Really?”

  Liam shakes his head. “Who just said the M-

  word?”

  Chris winks at Liam and raises her eyebrow at Ali,

  who grins back.

  “But this is you, Chris. You never take shit from

  anyone. I didn’t know you could be serious like this.

  You’re getting soft in your old age!”

  Chris tuts. “Are you suggesting I’ve turned into

  some kind of tart with a heart after all?”

  Liam smiles. “Don’t fucking deny it. You help

  your friends in need. I call that the definition of

  someone with a good heart.”

  “It makes me feel superior. Cuz my acquaintances

  are all losers—drug addicts, whores, homeless

  beggars, society rejects. Gah.” Chris shakes her head

  fast until her cheeks tremble.

  Liam and Ali laugh. Liam fulfilled all those

  identifiers in his bad old days. When Chris first met

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  him, he’d been a fucked-up junkie, but she’d helped

  him with a place to live and more.

  After they’ve settled down again, Liam tells Ali, “I

  checked Alex out at the club.” Liam chews his food

  and takes a sip of his beer. “He’s impressive. A big

  beast of a man.”

  Ali nods. “Yeah, I don’t watch much boxing but I

  can remember.”

  Liam says, “Maybe we can get together sometime,

  the four of us. Ali will love that. Won’t you?” He

  directs the last part at Ali, who smiles.

  “Your friends are always welcome here. Of

  course.”

  “How fucking domesticated—a dinner party like

  proper grown-ups.” Chris huffs. “I’ll ask him, but

  he’s wary, you know. People come up to talk to him

  all the time. They want photos and stuff. You never

  know if they’re friendly or not.”

  Ali nods. “I’m not surprised, given what

  happened.”

  There seems to be something that passes between

  Liam and Ali as if Liam’s asking for permission.

  “Have you, uh, done it yet?”

  Chris shifts in her seat, uncomfortable with the

  line of questioning. “We still haven’t had

  penetrative sex yet. No.”

  “Whoa, what the fuck!” Liam chokes on his

  mashed potato. “Are you kidding me?”

  Chris blinks several times, signalling to her

  friends she’s deadly serious.

  “Are you all right, Chris?” Liam frowns in mock

  concern.

  Chris pouts. “Well, it seems that everyone expects

  194

  me to behave like a nymphomaniac. I’d take it as a

  compliment.”

  “Sorry. I was next to your room for two years. The

  amount of sex I heard broke some record for sure.”

  Chris hits the side of Liam’s head.

  “Ouch!”

  “Alex plays to different rules, or I’ve changed. I

  have no fucking clue what I’m doing. I really don’t

  think I should be allowed out. Bring back the

  Victorian asylum and lock me in! Throw away the

  keys!” She forks some more pie into her mouth as a

  distraction, but she’s been mostly stirring the

  vegetables. Her plate looks like a tan face made out

  of a harvest of carrots and peas.

  Ali takes a sip from his beer, ignoring Chris’s self-

  doubt. “I say go with how you feel. If it’s right, it’s

  going to happen.” His eyes twinkle when he gazes at

  Liam. “Who cares what’s expected of you, or what

  ought to happen.” He reaches out to hold Liam’s

  hand.

  The couple are so in love that in the past Chris

  would have felt a twinge of envy or faked throwing

  up, but she has Alex now, and she can hold Alex’s

  hand too, so all is well in her world.

  ~~~

  Chris comes out of her bedroom in a long-sleeved

  black dress with gathers at the waist. Smudgy eye

  colour and lipstick. Strappy black pumps. Alex

  swallows because he loves seeing her like this. He

  loves Chris in anything or nothing. Full stop.

  “Is this okay?” Chris smiles. The light shining on

  her makes the small stud under her lip glitter.

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  “You’re gorgeous. Hot. You’re pretty stunning.”

  Alex has put on his good shirt again and a decent

  pair of black trousers. Chris reaches out and touches

  the kink of his nose.

  “Glad you know a few words, but they all mean

  the same thing.” Her eyes twinkle when she’s

  amused. “Anyway, stop staring. Let’s step out before

  we end up peeling all our clothes off and screwing.”

  Alex barks out a laugh. “Good luck with that.”

  They head out.

  “I’m sure you’re punishing me for some reason,”

  Alex murmurs, keeping up his jokey tone.

  “Withholding sex…like some women do.”

  Chris orders a taxi on her phone while she replies.

  “I’m not some woman, and it’s sexist to assume only

  women do that.”

  “Sorry! I like it when you tell me off for things like

  that.”

  “Everyone uses sex. Sex is power. You negotiate

  with sex. Sex in exchange for something else. I only

  go about that in more obvious ways than others.

  Call it honesty.”

  Alex considers her face. “It doesn’t have to be that

  way.” He squeezes her hand to reassure her.

  They descend the three flights of stairs to the

  street and wait by the front door to the building.

  Chris hooks her arms aroun
d Alex’s as they stand

  waiting by the door. “So, sex is one thing. My

  genders. Some days I’m passing for a man,

  especially if that’s what the johns expect. Other

  times people look at me and think I’m a freak. It’s

  exhausting.”

  Alex leans down and kisses her cheek. “I’m sorry.

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  I hope you can be whoever you are with me and

  never have to pretend.”

  “You’re not very politically correct, but you’re a

  quick learner when it comes to my queerness. I

  could forgive you.” Chris smiles and elbows Alex,

  whose grin spreads across his face.

  The rumbling of a taxi approaching tells them

  they’ve got transportation.

  They decide on the cosy little pizza restaurant

  after walking up and down the high street in

  Dalston a couple of times. Instead of wearing his

  usual baseball cap, which looks a little ridiculous at

  the best of times, Alex has put on the beanie with a

  visor that Chris bought him a few weeks ago. Chris

  has insisted that he ditch his Ray-Bans.

  “They stare at you because of the stupid

  sunglasses!”

  Alex sniggers. That’s another thing he likes about

  her: she tells the truth and nothing but the truth.

  As if proving Chris’s point, every pair of eyes in

  the restaurant fall on the two people who have

  strolled in. Whether people recognise Alex or not,

  the two of them turn heads. Chris asks to sit in the

  corner of the dining room, which should afford

  them some privacy. After all, this is an up-and-

  coming area of London where the punters must be

  quite used to spotting minor celebrities.

  They peruse the menu.

  “One or two…” Chris glances up to Alex and

  shrugs. “Silly question. I don’t think I can manage a

  whole pizza, but still.”

  Alex nods. “Definitely two. I can finish off yours. I

  didn’t have a snack earlier. I was too nervous

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  waiting for you.”

  “You were nervous because we were going out on

  a date?” Chris tries to hide her laughter behind the

  oversize menu.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay.” She squints at the menu and then pushes

  it over to Alex, pointing at the name of a pizza. “Is

  this the one with pesto?”

  He reads it. “Yeah.”

  “And a salad to share?”

  “Perfect.”

  Chris surveys the wine list on the back with the

  same concentration. “May I have a glass of white

  wine?”

  “Of course. I’ll have a Diet Coke.”

  She asks for a glass of house white instead of

  negotiating the names of the different bottles.

  Once they’ve ordered, they sit back and try to

  relax. Alex avoids the gaze of the imaginary public;

  Chris surveys the other patrons. Most of the diners

  have turned their attention back to their meals.

  “Some days I don’t want to go out, to go to work

  and face the world. It’s hard not to picture the whole

  restaurant ogling at me,” Alex admits.

  “It’s okay. Don’t forget your bodyguard’s here.”

  Chris grins and takes his hand across the table.

  Alex smiles too. “You look even less like a

  bodyguard tonight.”

  “Hey, have you seen Charlie’s Angels?”

  That cracks Alex up. “I’d love to see your stiletto

  moves, darling.”

  Chris rolls her perfectly made-up eyes, and her

  long eyelashes flick. “I don’t do stilettos.”

  198

  Converse and women’s pumps and flats like

  tonight’s, but no heels or platforms in Chris’s shoe

  collection. Perhaps she’s too tall for them.

  Their food arrives, and the stringy mozzarella

  threatens to splash tomato sauce on Chris’s pretty

  face, making Alex smile. Whenever they catch each

  other’s eyes, fuzzy feelings are all around. After a

  couple of slices, Chris stops, wipes her mouth and

  clears her throat. Alex stares at her, knowing she’s

  preparing for a serious talk.

  “I don’t know why. Since we started with the

  talking and getting to know each other, it feels weird

  —thinking about ‘proper’ sex with you.” She draws

  the quotations in the air with two fingers. “We’ll do

  it soon, though. What do you think?”

  Alex exhales with relief and chuckles. “Yes. It’d be

  marvellous if you let us, Chris.”

  “So, I get to decide if we have sex or not. I can’t

  tell you how much I’m enjoying this power over you

  right now.” Chris looks deadly serious.

  Alex scratches his head, conscious of his wild

  hair. “You’ve completely overpowered me, Chris,

  with or without the sex. I can’t understand what

  happened! It’s like losing round after round at

  boxing. I’m not used to that!”

  Chris can’t keep a straight face anymore and

  laughs.

  “Mr. Whale?” Alex and Chris look up at the young

  man waiting with the restaurant’s menu in his hand.

  “Sorry to intrude, but… Could you sign this for me,

  please?”

  Alex has switched to fight mode and is vaguely

  aware of Chris tensing too, but then he sees the

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  young man’s earnest face. He relaxes a little.

  “Okay. I’m not the chef, though.” He takes the

  menu and the offered pen. “What’s your name?”

  “Ben. Ben Chapman.”

  Alex writes out the guy’s full name carefully, then

  adds, ‘All best, Alex Blue.’ He shows it to Chris and

  then offers it to his fan.

  The younger man is so chuffed. “I watched your

  fights all the time…” He glances at Chris. “Are you…

  going to box again?” He would have been a teenager

  when Alex was still in the game.

  Alex closes his eyes for a split second. “Sorry, but

  I’ve retired now.”

  “Oh, okay.” Ben takes the menu back and reads

  the autograph. “Thank you so much!” Clutching it

  close and smiling, he returns to his seat.

  “Alex Blue. I like that.” Chris’s dimples deepen.

  “So, is that who you are now? Retired at thirty-

  three?”

  ~~~

  A small V forms between Alex’s brows as he tells

  her how hard it is for him to even sit in a public

  place like this, let alone cope with the televised

  fights. She notices the little crow’s feet that have

  appeared around Alex’s eyes. She loves them on

  him.

  “My old manager wants me to do some comeback

  fights.” Alex wrings his hands. “But going back

  professionally means trainers, a manager and media

  circuits.”

  “Oh. Will you? Do you want to?”

  Alex sighs. “Not if I can help it. I don’t need the

  200

  money, though my folks could use some help. Sam’s

  family. They’re still pissed off with me, as you can

  imagine.”

  “Oh!”
/>   “I won’t bore you with the legend of Sam Taylor

  senior. Some may call him a gangster, but I’ve

  always thought Taylor is a shrewd businessman

  who’s happy to do the dodgy deals. He could use his

  connections to track me down. He probably hasn’t

  done it because he’s not an unreasonable man. The

  Essex lot don’t know that.”

  “He sounds like a tough Essex gang boss, all

  right.”

  “Well, he liked me from the start and he always

  treated me like a son. But then, I haven’t seen him

  since the court hearings and at the sentencing. He

  looked impassive across the sea of black suits, like

  we were at a funeral for the living.” Alex looks away,

  and Chris reaches across the table to hold his hand.

  Alex continues. “I’m sure part of me died during

  those weeks, but it was what I deserved. I wished I

  were dead instead of Sam. I deserve all the

  punishment I get.”

  “But you’re here, doing the best you can. She’d be

  proud of you, don’t you think?”

  Alex sighs. “Maybe. I’ve been helping out at the

  boxing club.”

  “You gonna train the kids there?” Chris inclines

  her head, curious to hear more.

  Alex’s face lights up as he tells her about Devan’s

  small outfit, waxing lyrical about the pay-what-you-

  can sessions ‘Coach’ offers so poorer kids can go.

  “Sounds cool. You should so totally do it!”

  201

  Alex grins. He picks up Chris’s hand and kisses

  her knuckles.

  Later, as they walk the few hundred yards to the

  bar that Chris promises will be pretty stress-free,

  Alex winds his arm around her shoulders. He can do

  that with the few inches’ advantage.

  They choose a small table in the corner of the

  cavernous bar. They say cheers, clinking their

  glasses together.

  Chris looks down at her OJ. “It’s my birthday.”

  Alex nearly chokes on his Coke. “Oh, why didn’t

  you say? Twenty-seven, is it?”

  Chris gives him an eye-roll. “Old enough. I didn’t

  want you to fuss.”

  Alex kisses her, and it goes on for several

  minutes, sucking the air out of both of them. When

  he breaks off, he shrugs. “Who’s going to fuss? I

  don’t care for you at all.”

  That earns him a thump on the shoulder. “Ouch!”

  Alex feigns pain.

  “Apparently, my life isn’t much to celebrate. It’s

  damn luck I’m alive.” Chris stares at the mid-

  distance, her mind far away.

  Alex frowns. “What do you mean?”

 

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