by A Zukowski
She tells Jess about being a child actor but skips
the bad bits. Jess seems to have forgotten all about
her worries and listens with fascination, prompting
some kind of special bond between them. Jess’s
large, innocent eyes are full of admiration for Chris.
Chris still can’t believe the kids take to her so
well. A few months ago, she wouldn’t have imagined
she could work with young people like this and be a
role model to them. She’s perhaps not as much a
fuck-up as she thought.
~~~
A step.
“So, how’s the new love nest?” Jeff beams. “I
enjoy Christening your accommodation with that
term.”
“I wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, it’s…
nice.” Chris can’t help but smile, his head already
full of images of the marvellous intimate times he
and Alex have been having since they moved. They
play like a montage of his favourite movie
328
sequences.
Jeff rolls his eyes. “Now, that face is worth all the
heartaches in the world.” He stands to search for a
wrapped package from his storage cupboard and
presents it to Chris. “Congratulations on your new
home, darling.”
Chris stares at the gift, shaped like a painting or
mirror and wrapped in plain metallic paper. “Jeff.
You shouldn’t have.”
“Yes, I should. You’ve had a crazy year. I’m so
glad you’ve found someone. It’s a big step moving in
with your boyfriend, dear.” Jeff tilts his head to
indicate the present. “Come on. Open it.”
Chris’s eyes are misting up. He tries not to tear
the wrapping paper open too quickly so he can
savour the reveal. It’s as if he’s getting approval
from a parent, twenty years too late. When he can
see the artwork mounted in a simple wooden frame,
he is stunned silent. It’s a line drawing of two naked
people kissing, and they are genderless. They are
two people deeply in love, in a pure and simple
embrace. The strong brush marks, muted colours
and lines elegantly spread across the surface.
“I…” Chris stares at Jeff. “It’s wonderful. I can’t
thank you enough.” He kisses the older man.
Jeff smiles. “You can thank me by enjoying your
life. Chris, I want you to come and see me
sometime. You let me know when you’re free. I love
your massages, but I don’t want you to provide any
sexual services anymore. I’ll pay you the same. Is
that okay?”
Chris only gives Jeff hand jobs these days, but
still. He frowns. “I’m not a therapist or a masseur.”
329
Jeff covers Chris’s hand with his. “As I said, I
enjoy your company and you can help me relax with
a good rub. I don’t need anything else. Okay? You
save yourself for your man.”
You save yourself for your man. Chris is sad that
his relationship with Jeff is changing, but he also
understands Jeff’s request. He thinks of Jeff as an
older friend, a mentor, too.
Reluctantly, Chris agrees. “Okay, but if you
change your mind, let me know.”
“Good.” Jeff smiles and pats Chris’s face fondly.
They raise their glasses, even though Jeff’s is only
filled with water.
“To your new life.”
“To good health.” Chris beams.
~~~
Chris enters the small boxing club. The mixed
scent of body odour, rubber and old, distressed
wood fills her nostrils. Grunts and sounds of
punchbags being hit intersperse with Alex’s firm
instructions.
Alex coaches a tall black teenager who is throwing
some strong punches. Alex holds on to the bag while
the youngster punches fast with his left. Chris
salivates, gazing at Alex’s bulging biceps and calf
muscles that remain steadfast as the young boxer
strikes repeatedly. The developing scene only
reminds her of how she has loved Alex from the
beginning. Someone who is invincible and yet
sweet. Someone who complements Chris in every
way possible.
Her soul mate. She shivers at the thought.
330
Chris approaches the pair gingerly. The teen
glances at Chris, alerting Alex to her arrival with a
tilt of his head. Alex turns and a wide grin appears
on his face. Both Alex and the boy move away from
the equipment. Chris steps forward.
“You made it,” Alex says.
“Yeah.” Chris hides her arms behind her back,
feeling self-conscious in the middle of a rather
macho place. Alex told her they wanted more female
boxers but they were the minority among the
learners.
Alex leans forward to peck Chris on the cheek.
Someone makes a cat-call, and Chris blushes,
almost coy. Alex has the most groovy, gooey grin on
his face.
“This is Devan.” Alex introduces them. “Chris—
my partner.”
Devan takes his right glove off and shakes Chris’s
hand. “Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise.” Chris smiles. Devan blinks before
looking from her to his coach.
Dex emerges from the small office, taking a large
gulp from his water bottle. When he sees Chris, he
joins the group.
“Whoa. To what do we owe the pleasure of your
visit?” His eyes are twinkling, set against his dark
skin.
“Ha. Pleasure’s all mine.” Chris smiles and hugs
Dex.
When they come apart, she twirls her forefinger
around. “This is an awesome place. I’m sorry I’ve
not visited before. Alex talks about the club all the
time. It’s like his other lover!”
331
Coach laughs.
Alex joins in, too. “I’ve practically grown up here.”
Devan quietly observes the adults converse. The
history behind Alex and Dex’s relationship is well
known in the club and the teenager clearly idolises
Alex.
Alex glances at the clock. “We’ll be done in fifteen
minutes or so. Why don’t you wait in the office?”
“Sure.”
Dex leads Chris to the small room at the corner of
the club, while Alex and Devan resume their
practice.
Once in the office, Dex offers to make Chris a hot
drink.
“Water’s fine. Thanks!”
Dex gives her a bottle.
As soon as they’ve sat down on the two
uncomfortable chairs, Dex clears his throat. “I want
to leave Alex this club when I retire, which should
be soon if my wife and children have their way.
What do you say?” He gazes at Chris, waiting for her
answer.
“You’re asking me?” Chris swallows.
“Who else? You’re the most important person in
Alex’s life. That’s quite clear to everyone. And he’s
the love of your life. Don’t deny it.”
Chris giggles. “I’
ve never been someone’s love of
their life. They usually run for their lives! You asked
for my opinion on an important matter. I don’t
know what to say right now.”
She doesn’t think beyond the rent, one month at a
time. Planning the future has always been a
frivolous pursuit.
332
Dex declares his admiration for Chris. “Alex will
need you because you’re a tough cookie, Chris.
Knowing what you did for Alex… You’re stronger
than me, and I am not comparing muscle mass.”
“Thanks, I guess. I know nothing about boxing,
though.”
“Well, talk it through. See if this is what you both
want,” Dex suggests.
“Okay. We will. Thank you.” Chris knows Alex
would love to do it, though their finances will suffer.
They’ll sort something out if this is what Alex wants.
Everything Alex wants, he should have.
~~~
Chris walks along the main street leading up to
the youth club among a few high-rise apartment
blocks. This is the quieter side of Camden towards
Kentish Town. The other end boasts the canal and
the busy markets, hordes of tourists and eighties
punk wannabes.
The night air flows in a damp fog through the
remnants of an earlier drizzle.
“Chris.” A croaky and uncertain voice calls out to
her. She turns around.
“Jess?”
The young girl steps up. She has a hoodie on,
obscuring part of her face. There’s little light in that
section of the street, but Chris can make out
something’s wrong from the way Jess stays in the
shadows and the dark fabric covering her head.
“What happened?” Chris carefully removes a
strand of hair that partly hides Jess’s face. A black
eye. Swollen cheek.
333
Chris’s heart sinks. She kneels down to the
teenager’s level. “Who did this to you, Jess?”
“Dennis. My stepdad.” Her voice is low as a
whisper.
Chris gazes at Jess’s small face, making her seem
so vulnerable right now. “Jess, we need to report
this. He’s hurt you bad, honey. Shall we go to see
Rosie?”
“No, I don’t want to see her.” She blinks a few
times.
“Why not?” Chris touches Jess’s hair. It’s damp
and messy from her wait in the light rain.
“They’ll take me away. I want my mum.” Jess’s
eyes are shining with tears.
“Where is she?”
“She’s still at work.”
Chris glances around to consider what she should
do. “Let me take you to a café and we’ll talk about
this, okay? Would you like a hot chocolate to warm
up?” She suspects Jess has been waiting a while for
her.
Jess hesitates, but eventually she agrees.
In the nearby café, Chris sits Jess in a corner and
orders the drinks at the counter. Away from the
other few customers, Chris asks, “Is there anywhere
else he’s hurt you?”
Chris doesn’t want to imagine other kinds of
abuse that Jess might have suffered. She can’t bear
to think about it but she has to ask.
Jess pulls back her hoodie and then puts her hair
behind the left ear. Chris shields her from the rest of
the coffee shop with her body and inspects the gash
there. It’s a couple of inches long and blood has
334
congealed like a nasty dark red brush mark.
“We should go to the club, so Rosie and I can
clean you up.” Chris sips from her cup of chocolate.
Jess nurses the warm mug in her hands. “I don’t
want to see anyone.” She lowers her head, her
lashes obscuring the brown of her eyes. Chris
remembers all those times when she was a kid, and
she knew what some men were thinking when they
looked at her. Her heart sinks.
“Jess, did he? Dennis…did he touch you? Has he
ever touched you sexually?”
Jess slowly shakes her head. “He only shouts at
me cuz I want to be a girl. He doesn’t like boys. He
calls me a poof and he says he’d cut off my willy
himself.”
Chris closes her eyes. A small mercy, but what a
fucking bastard . Her familiar anger surges inside of
her.
They take a sip of their drinks and are quiet for a
while. Chris is at a loss what to do if Jess refuses to
see Rosie.
“Where do you live?” Jess asks, her voice
trembling a little.
“Haringey.”
“Do you live there on your own?”
“No. I… I live with my boyfriend Alex.”
“Is he nice?” Jess’s eyes are wide with curiosity.
She idolises Chris. Chris can understand why she
wants to know what kind of life she leads.
“Yes, he is. He’s a wonderful man.” Chris doesn’t
want to make Jess feel like she’s not loved, though.
“Your mum will worry about you. Let me talk to
Rosie.”
335
“I want to stay with you. I can’t go home. Mum’s
got the worst taste in men. Dennis hates me. He
refuses to call me Jess. I hate being called James.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I’d love for you to visit but… My
mum’s the same, Jess. She brought the most
dreadful boyfriends home.” And the rest.
Chris smiles at the memory, though. The physical
abuse she has witnessed could have happened to
her too. Annette had always protected her that way,
except that one time when young Chris stood
between Annette and her attacker.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Jess’s voice seems even softer.
“It’s okay. The only thing my mum was ever good
at was… She didn’t allow them to touch me or beat
me up.” Chris gazes intently at Jess. “I don’t want to
nag you, but you need to tell someone about this.
Where was your mum when this happened?”
Jess’s eyes are full of unshed tears once more.
“She was at work. I’d hidden it from her so far, but I
can’t go home now because she will see these.”
She waves her hand in the air to indicate her
bruises. So, it’s not the first time. It’s as if Dennis
isn’t only hurting Jess but Chris, too, reminding her
of the previous assaults on her body. Chris is livid.
“I want to go back home with you. I can meet
your bloke.” The hope on Jess’s face makes her look
so innocent.
Chris takes a deep breath before she forces a
smile. “I’m sure Alex would love to meet you. But,
you see, when your mum starts to look for you and
can’t find you, she’ll call the police. We will be in
trouble.”
Jess shakes her head. At that moment, she seems
336
every bit a barely teen—young, lost, confused and
sad. The mirror image breaks Chris’s heart.
“If you let me speak to Rosie, we may find a
solution. She is very clever like that.
Don’t you
think?” Chris needs Rosie’s support, and she wants
to clean up Jess’s face and the bloody mess behind
her ear.
Jess bites her lip and considers the suggestion.
She slowly nods.
Chris glances around the café. They’re quite far
away from the next occupied table. She turns on the
speaker, but keeps the volume down. She places the
phone on the table.
“Chris, are you not coming in tonight?”
Chris hunches over the table. “I’m with Jess.” She
looks to Jess to gain her consent and Jess nods.
“Her stepdad has beaten her up, but she doesn’t
want to report him or go home. Yet.”
Rosie inhales. “Jeez. How bad was it?”
Jess chirps in, “It’s okay, Rosie. I mean…I want to
go home with Chris.”
Rosie is silent for a few seconds. “Jess, you need
to report him. Where are you? I’ll come to get you.”
Jess pleads to Chris with her eyes and shakes her
head. “Mum’s not back till late. I don’t want to go
home in case he’s still there.”
Rosie insists, “You won’t need to go home yet, but
—"
Jess closes her eyes. “I don’t want to be taken
away. I want my mum.”
Rosie is right, of course. Jess should report
Dennis to the police.
“Rosie, is it all right if I take Jess home with me
337
for now? I’ll clean her up and make her some
dinner. You can come after the youth club and talk
to her and help her report the assault? Will that be
okay?” Chris wants to protect Jess, who has become
like a little sister to her.
Jess gazes at the phone hopefully as if she can see
Rosie. After a few beats, Rosie exhales. “Okay. I’ll
come right up—after nine.”
Chris gives her the address to save her looking up
her details and finishes the call.
Jess breathes a sigh of relief. “What’s Rosie going
to do?”
Chris shakes her head. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I
have no idea. But let’s get you home, yeah?”
Chris calls for a taxi. They put on their jackets and
wait outside the café.
When they arrive at the block of flats, Chris takes
Jess up the first floor. The three-storey building is a
conversion from a large Victorian house. It’s homely
if a little untidy and old. The white walls in the hall
and stairwell have seen better days but at least the
place is clean enough. There are only two flats on
each floor. As soon as the door opens, the musty
scent is replaced by the whiff of toasted bread and