How Spy I Am

by Diane Henders

  “Aaagh! Son of a bitch!” The pain lanced through my eyes and I jerked my arms over my head, writhing and whimpering in an attempt to escape it. When Kane’s real-world hands began to soothe the suffering away, it was all I could do not to burst into tears.

  At last the pain subsided enough for me to open my eyes. I slumped against the arm of the sofa and regarded the ring of white faces surrounding me. Even Kasper looked shaken.

  “Aydan, thank God.” Spider touched my shoulder as if reassuring himself I was still there. “We thought we’d lost you.”

  “We did lose you,” Jack said tremulously. “You vanished off my monitors. All that was left was basic autonomic brain activity. All your higher functions were gone.”

  “You vanished out of the network, too,” Kane added. “I thought I’d lost you the last time, but this time you were really gone. It was like all the life was sucked out of the sim. Everything went flat and all the constructs vanished. I was just standing there in a blank void.”

  “What happened?” Kasper demanded.

  “I made it to Macon all right. But when I tried to go into their server, it was like being in a spin-washer or something. I kept getting flung around and around in circles and I couldn’t figure out how to stop it or which way was home or anything.”

  “It must have been a proxy server,” Kasper said. “It would have just dropped your packets. Or kept bouncing your request back.”

  “That’s what it felt like. Like getting bounced around over and over, really fast.” I felt a flush of embarrassment rising. “And then I panicked and couldn’t find my way home. Thanks for calling me, Spider. That was really smart.”

  “It was the only thing I could think of,” he said. He patted my shoulder again with a shaking hand. “I’m glad it worked.”

  “So am I.” I dragged myself closer to upright and turned to Kasper. “So how do I get in?”

  “You can’t.”

  “Bullshit. There has to be a way.”

  “I said, you can’t.” He gave me a supercilious look that turned into a grimace of annoyance when I opened my mouth to argue again. “You can’t access their network through their proxy server,” he snapped. “It will just keep rejecting you. It simply won’t allow your data request to pass through.”

  “But that doesn’t make sense. There has to be a way around the proxy server. If they’re connected to the outside world, I should be able to sneak in somehow, shouldn’t I?” I demanded. “Isn’t there a back door or something?”

  “No!” He glowered at me. “That’s the whole point of security servers… Oh, for heaven’s sake, this is a complete waste of time. You don’t even know enough about network architecture for me to explain. Just trust me. You can’t do it.”

  The mule-stubborn part of my personality dug in its hooves and brayed defiance. “You said you didn’t know. You’re just guessing.”

  “Oh for… Fine! Go back and try again. Go and get your neurons even more scrambled than they apparently already are. Leave your body in a vegetative state. See if I care!”

  “Fine!” I returned his glare and closed my hand around the network key. “Spider, be ready to call me home again.”

  “Stop!”

  Kane’s bark made us all jump. “Aydan, give me the key,” he snapped.

  I caught myself responding instinctively to his commanding tone, and pulled my hand back instead. “No. My call.”

  “No, it’s not. I’m responsible for your safety. Give me the key.”

  I felt my chin jerk down and my fist tightened on the key. I was opening my mouth for a retort when Kane spoke again, his soft tone a complete about-face.

  “Aydan, please. Just wait a minute. Let’s think this through first.”

  I struggled and won against the irrational urge to tell him to stick it. Dammit, why did he have to go and get all reasonable?

  I released my clenched teeth enough to grind out, “It’s very important for me to get into that network. The only other alternative is to fly back to Macon. And I really, really don’t want to do that.”

  “Why is it so important?”

  “B-because…”

  Shit, I couldn’t tell anyone the real reason. I cast about frantically for inspiration.

  “Because if Dr. Cartwright was the ghost, I have to know how he got into our network,” I blurted, trying to hide my relief at pulling a plausible explanation out of my ass on short notice. “I think there might be some clues in the Macon network.”

  I eyed the circle of frowning faces.

  “Let me dig into it first,” Spider said. “Just give me a chance to do some more research and maybe I can come up with a safer way for you to get in.”

  “Good idea,” Kane seconded, his face clearing.

  “Yes,” Jack agreed. “I don’t want to see you flatline again.”

  “You won’t find a way,” Kasper muttered. “It’s impossible.”

  I scowled at him. Yeah, he’d really like it to be impossible, wouldn’t he? If he was working with the evil Knight, shutting me out of the Macon network would make him very happy indeed.

  I needed answers, dammit, and I didn’t have time to piss around. Still staring at Kasper’s unprepossessing features, a slow idea began to form. I wrenched my gaze away from him and forced an agreeable expression onto my face.

  “Okay, you guys, you’re probably right. Thanks, Spider. Let’s call it a day. I’m bagged.”

  Murmurs of relief greeted my announcement, and Spider and Jack began to pack up their equipment. Kane eyed me suspiciously.

  I turned an innocent face toward him. “Did you get your Expedition back yet?”

  “Yes. The bomb squad didn’t find anything.”

  I stayed seated on the couch while the others moved toward the door. I widened my eyes slightly at Kane, willing him to get it. “Did they identify the bomb in my car? Was it similar to the one in the motel?”

  He shot me the faintest frown before his cop face smoothed over, and he meandered to the desk chair and sank into it, propping his feet on the desk and linking his hands behind his head.

  “They’re still doing the analysis. It would have been a considerably smaller bomb in your car, though. Has Stemp arranged a new vehicle for you yet?”

  We both watched the other three trail out as I replied. “Not yet. I liked that Legacy, but I don’t know if there was another one available…”

  I stood and wandered to the door, stretching. When I peeked out, the hallway was vacant, and Kane gave me a piercing look when I turned back to him.

  “What was all that about?” he demanded.

  “I need to ask you a favour.”

  “What is it?”

  “Can you get me a trank gun? Not a ballistic trank. I need one of the little quiet ones.”

  He examined me cautiously. “Stemp would have to approve it.”

  “Shit.”

  “Why do you need it?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  “Is it for your other op?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why don’t you requisition it through your other chain of command?”

  “I can’t.” I cleared my throat so I wouldn’t choke on the lie. “My other op is so deep undercover, I can’t have anything that can’t be explained away. The only way to explain a trank gun is if I get it through this chain of command.”

  Kane nodded slowly. “So that explains why you weren’t carrying a weapon until Stemp issued it to you. I wondered why you were such a good shot when you swore you hadn’t shot a handgun in thirty years.”

  “I explained that to you. It was just…”

  “Yes, you explained it. Trap shooting and archery.” His lips quirked up. “You have an explanation for everything.” His sexy laugh lines crinkled. “Come on, then, Ms. Innocent Civilian. Let’s go tell Stemp you need a trank gun.”

  “Why would I give you a trank gun?” Stemp’s bland face revealed nothing.

  I drew in a deep breath. Here we go.<
br />
  “You issued me a handgun to defend myself. A trank gun would allow me to use non-lethal force instead. It would be safer for all concerned.”

  “Your handgun can be used for non-lethal force. You’re a good shot. You won’t kill anyone accidentally, and I’ve approved your use of lethal force if necessary. The handgun is the appropriate weapon for you to carry.”

  “I need a trank gun.” I tried not to speak through gritted teeth, but Stemp’s slightly raised eyebrow indicated I hadn’t succeeded.

  “Tell me the real reason why, and I’ll consider it.”

  I shot a hopeful glance at Kane, but he watched me in silence, wearing his cop face. No help there.

  I unlocked my jaw and rolled my stiff shoulders, stalling while I marshalled my lies and half-truths. “It’s for my other op.”

  “Then you need to requisition equipment through that chain of command.”

  “I can’t. I’m too deep undercover. I can’t use any equipment that can’t be explained away.”

  Stemp’s poker face never altered. “Then I can’t issue it to you. You said I can’t know about your other op, and I have no plausible reason to give you that kind of weapon for your current assignment.”

  “For chr…” I bit off the oath and unclenched my fist. “Look. During the course of my other op, I’ve discovered a potential threat that could blow our project right out of the water and result in massive leaks of classified information to hostile powers. I need that damn trank gun.”

  Stemp went still. “Why aren’t you reporting this through your other op? And how will a trank gun help you?”

  “I told you, I can’t get a trank gun through my other op! And I need it to… um… I’m still gathering information, I don’t know who’s a good guy and who’s a bad guy, and I can’t afford to take a chance with a lethal weapon.”

  A lengthy silence ensued, and I held myself still, fighting the rising urge to wave my arms and yell.

  Stemp spoke slowly at last, his face and voice completely without expression. “If a trank gun is necessary for information-gathering, it could be taken to mean a subject will be captured and offered various means of… persuasion to provide the information.”

  I met his eyes squarely and said nothing.

  “You are aware that many types of persuasion are illegal, and I can’t sanction their use.”

  “I’m aware. I don’t plan to use any illegal methods of persuasion.”

  He gave me another long, impassive appraisal. “That statement would undoubtedly register true on a polygraph.”

  “Yes, it would.” I unclenched my teeth again. Stay calm.

  “But things don’t always work out the way you’d planned.”

  The last of my patience burned away. “I only need it for a short time. If by some bizarre chance I get caught with it, I’ll swear I stole it, and you can act all shocked and amazed. You know I won’t rat you out. You hold all the power. All you have to do is start talking about my op, and I’m toast.”

  I rested my fists on his desk and leaned closer. “Just give me the goddamn trank gun. Please.”

  Stemp rose, his masklike face rearranging itself into an expression of regret. “I’m sorry, Ms. Kelly, but I can’t approve your request. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

  I was on the verge of exploding when his hand dipped into his desk drawer to withdraw a small trank gun. He laid it on the desk as he turned away before striding out of his office without a backward glance.

  I clapped my gaping jaw shut and scooped the gun up to tuck it into my jeans and tug my sweatshirt over top.

  I trotted for the door. “Director, wait!”

  Stemp paused halfway down the hall and turned. “Arguing is pointless, Ms. Kelly. I’ve made my decision.”

  I applied my best crestfallen expression and nodded. “I realize that. But I was wondering if it would be possible for me to go home and check my email and get my truck. Is the farm secure?”

  “For the time being. I’ll inform the guards you’ll be arriving. I recommend you don’t stay long.” He turned and continued down the hall into the men’s room.

  Chapter 42

  “Do you want a ride to the farm? The Expedition’s just outside,” Kane offered.

  “Thanks, that’d be great.”

  Once on the highway, I rethought my gratitude when Kane turned his cop face in my direction. “What do you plan to do?”

  “I can’t tell you.”

  “You can tell me.” The cop face dissolved into impatience. “Aydan, I’m a trained agent. I can keep a secret. Let me help you.”

  I blew out a long breath, feeling the tension ratcheting up in my shoulders. “If it was anything else, I’d tell you, but this time I can’t. If I do, it’ll put you in danger.”

  “It’s more dangerous for me to be uninformed.”

  “No, it’s not. The less you know, the safer you are. You already know more than you should.”

  Kane drove in silence for a few minutes. “At least let me come along as backup,” he said at last. “If you’re planning to trank and capture someone, you’ll need help.”

  “I told you, you can’t get involved.”

  His knuckles whitened on the steering wheel. “Call Richardson, then. Don’t try to do it alone.”

  “Richardson can’t know anything about this. Nobody can. You and Stemp are too many already.”

  “Aydan, you can trust us.”

  “I trust you. I don’t have a choice with Stemp.”

  “You can trust Richardson.”

  “Yeah, and get his ass busted right along with mine if this blows up. Not happening.”

  Kane braked in front of my house and turned to face me. “Aydan…”

  “Thanks for the ride.” I yanked the door handle, but nothing happened. I shot him a look. “Please unlock the door.”

  “We’re not finished yet.”

  “We’re finished.”

  “Aydan…”

  “John. I can’t tell you anything more. You can’t help me. Nobody else can know about this. That’s all. End of story.”

  His fist clenched. “At least set up a check-in with me. So if something goes wrong, you’re not completely on your own.”

  “I don’t know how long it will take. I might not be able to make a check-in.”

  “Aydan, dammit-”

  “John!” I overrode his rising voice. “This morning you told me I was being overprotective of you. That cuts both ways. If I’ve been undercover all this time, do you really think I’m incapable of taking care of myself on this op?”

  Kane froze, muscles working in his jaw. “I don’t think you’re incapable,” he murmured at last. “I’m just… I don’t want to lose you.”

  He gave me that vulnerable look again, and I fought a guilty smothering sensation while I stared back helplessly.

  “I’m sorry,” he said suddenly. “This is exactly why you try so hard to avoid attachments, isn’t it?” He scrubbed a hand through his hair, his brows drawing down. “I promise I’ll leave you alone and let you do your job if that’s what you need me to do. But if I can help in any way…”

  I drew a breath of relief. “Thank you.” Sudden inspiration made me add, “There is one thing you can do.”

  “Name it.”

  I fumbled the tiny tracking device out of my change purse and held it out to him along with my cell phone. “Take these back to the bunker with you.”

  His face twisted. “Aydan, no! Without the tracker, if anything goes wrong, we’ll never find you. You know the kind of hell you’ll go through if you’re captured. Don’t take the chance.”

  I bit down my frustration. “I really need you to take it. I can’t risk Stemp following me. And if I get captured, they’ll leave this stuff lying wherever they grab me, so it won’t help a bit. You know that as well as I do.”

  “Stemp won’t follow you,” Kane said firmly. “Not after he gave you the trank gun. He can’t afford to know what you’re doing. Take th
e tracker with you.” He gave me a beseeching look. “Aydan, please. Stemp won’t interfere. I promise I won’t interfere. The tracking device just gives you a little insurance.”

  I thought that over. I didn’t want to admit even to myself how scared I was. If Robert was working for the bad guys, and if anything went wrong with my plan, I knew exactly what my fate would be, and ‘hell’ described it with chilling accuracy.

  I blew out a long breath. “Okay. How about this. Can you monitor my tracking device? If it stops in one place for more than two hours, come looking. But if Stemp wants to come after me, talk him out of it. He can’t know what I’m doing.”

  Kane straightened, his shoulders relaxing. “I’ll do that.”

  “Thanks. See you later at the bunker.”

  I was reaching for the door handle when he spoke again. “This better not be the last time I see you. I can’t even kiss you for luck with the guards watching.”

  I hoped the smile I gave him looked more confident than I felt. “Consider yourself kissed.”

  Inside the house, I went directly to my office and fired up the computer. I didn’t even attempt to work. With all the adrenaline gushing through my veins, it would have been pointless. Instead I fidgeted in the chair, eyes riveted to the screen.

  Surely Robert must be monitoring my computer usage. He wouldn’t just randomly try to contact me, would he? That would be stupid.

  Come on, Robert, I’m on the damn computer. Contact me!

  Maybe I had to be moving the mouse or something. I clicked on the crossword puzzle icon. There. I’m here, using the computer…

  My heart kicked my chest when the tiny blinking square appeared. I didn’t wait for a message. As soon as the text screen opened, I typed, “Silverside Park, 23:00, by the monkeybars. Be there.”

  I was just beginning to curse myself for my foolish grade-school phrasing when the cursor zipped across the screen.

  “Confirmed.”

  The window vanished.

  I sat shaking in my chair. Kidnapping Robert had seemed like such a good plan at the time. Now it seemed like the world’s stupidest idea. What was I going to do? Ask him to, pretty please, tell me what the hell was going on?