“Why, Lord? Why Matthew? Why me?” She raised her head to the sky and cried out in anguish, "WHY, LORD? Why would you lead me here, lead me to a man entirely too good for me, to a new home and a new family, just to rip away the one who binds it together?”
Anna slumped forward and allowed her bitterness and self-pity wash over her. What kind of a God would allow a man like Matthew to die before his time like this? What kind of God would allow a young woman like Beth to suffer the death of her parents and then inflict on her the slow pain of watching her brother fade away? What kind of God would allow a person to find love twice just to have it ripped away both times? Anna cried and cried, no hope within her anymore. She sat there as the sun fell below the tips of the mountains and the shadows stretched toward the ranch. She sat there until the coolness of the evening started to make her legs and feet go numb beneath her. She did not want to go back. She did not want to watch the man who spent the past weeks doing everything in his power to earn her trust, affection, and love simply fade away.
A tiny bird landed on the low grass in front of Anna. It hopped around and chirped at her. As it hopped back and forth, toward her, away from her, chirping nonstop, Anna felt as though the bird were a sign. As the bird took flight, Anna’s bitterness and anger flew away with it. She suddenly felt like she knew what to do. She was not going to sit there waiting for Matthew to die. She could not bear it. With sudden determination, Anna rose from the ground and briskly walked back to the house with plans forming in her mind.
When she entered the house and sat back down at Matthew’s side, Beth noted a serenity to Anna that had not been there since Matthew fell ill. Beth took that as a good sign and reached over and squeezed Anna’s hands. The two women smiled at one another, neither realizing the thoughts passing through the other’s head. After a few moments, knowing her brother was in good hands with Anna, Beth stood up.
“Anna, I am going to head to bed. Do you want me to make us a bite to eat first?”
Anna shook her head no and, staring at Matthew, said, "No, that is okay. You go to sleep. I think I had enough earlier. You were right, that walk was exactly what I needed.”
Beth smiled to herself, and saying goodnight, left Anna and Matthew in the dimly lit room.
Anna waited for several hours. Matthew’s condition had not changed; he was still completely unresponsive, but his heartbeat seemed okay, and his breathing, though still shallow, was consistent. Still, he had lost weight, he was riddled with fever, and Anna could see it would not be much longer. God was not going to answer her prayers, so it was up to Anna to make her own happiness, and it was not there watching God take another man from her, or watching her new friend suffer from heartbreak.
Anna packed her carpetbag with her old things, the beautiful hairbrush Beth had given her, and the leather-bound journal Matthew had given to her when he learned of her struggle to write, hoping that keeping a journal and practicing would help her overcome her challenge with letters. Once she was packed, she found a slip of paper and a pencil in the armoire. Very slowly and carefully, Anna wrote a note for Matthew, and another for Beth. Then slipping off the ring Matthew had given her that first day, she placed it on Matthew’s note and silently slipped out of the house.
She went into the barn and saddled the horse Matthew had taught her how to ride. She was not very good yet, but she was confident enough that she could get the horse to take her to Denver. Once she was in the saddle, with the moon and stars shining brightly to illuminate the path, Anna looked at the dark house and thought of the two people she was leaving behind. Her heart shattered as she forced herself to turn the horse toward the road. Willing herself not to look back, Anna walked her horse to the hill where she had first seen the homestead what seemed an eternity before, and then she kicked the horse into a gallop, letting the speed of the ride and the wind in her face push aside her fears, doubts, and the pain of betrayal from a God she thought cared for her.
Chapter 6
Anna wiped the sweat off her forehead and wiped her hands down her apron. She looked out the window of the cafe that overlooked the bay and saw the sun was almost setting. Gathering mismatched cups and plates from the small tables, she hurried them to the back where the owner, a brash French woman named Francesca, was busy washing and putting away. Fran looked at Anna and in her funny accent directed Anna to set it all to the side.
“Off to your second job now?” Fran huffed at her.
Anna nodded. "There is always something they need doing at the hospital. Maybe I can get my hands on some more of that gauze you like for wrapping your cheeses.”
Fran clicked her tongue, "Off with you then. Be here early, I will need help with grinding down the coffee.”
Anna nodded and rushed out the side door. As she hurried onto the street and down the hill to the hospital, she failed to notice the tall man entering the cafe. As Anna rushed on her way, wondering what the evening would hold for her, hoping she would be able to help with the unknown deceased because then she might be able to find something worth selling, she paid little attention to the bustling community around her.
When she had left Denver weeks before, she purchased a ticket to take her farther west. There was nothing for her in Boston, so she decided to set up a new life unattached to anyone. She ended up on the muddy streets of San Francisco, where she first found work mucking out stalls for an old stable owner. From there she had started helping an old mortician prepare the bodies of the deceased which felt strangely therapeutic to Anna, especially when he allowed her to keep items from unclaimed bodies which she then turned around and sold.
That had been how she met Fran, who had seen Anna selling gauze out of her basket. Fran felt sorry for the younger woman and, since she needed a hand in her small cafe after being recently widowed when her French husband died during a claim jump, she offered Anna a clean room above the cafe in exchange for her help. Anna gratefully took it and had been working there for almost two months. As Anna neared the hospital, she realized she had been in San Francisco longer than she had been married to both Jake and Matthew combined. She often thought of Matthew and Beth and wondered what became of Beth after her brother passed away. The deep sadness returned and with it the resulting bitterness. Fran had asked Anna on multiple occasions to go with her to the evangelical congregation that met on the outskirts of one of the tent cities at the edge of town, but Anna always refused. God had not listened to her yet, so why should she show Him any kind of loyalty? Especially now, after Anna proved that she could take care of herself without anyone’s help.
Anna walked into the hospital and down to the cellar where the deceased were kept until they were claimed and prepared for delivery to the funeral home or wherever the claiming family decided. She spent the evening helping clean the dead bodies, bathing each one, removing as much evidence of their passing as she could. After cleaning them, she covered each body in a white sheet, and then took each one’s belongings, and if the body had a family claiming it, she marked the bag, and set it with the body. If the belongings belonged to an unclaimed body, then she carefully sorted through the items, leaving all jewelry and obvious valuables for her boss, but keeping anything she thought she could sell on the street the next day. By the end of her shift, she had a bag with a couple scarves she could wash and sell, a nice pair of men’s shoes that had no holes in the soles, a pair of spectacles, and two rolls of gauze that Fran could boil and dry to use for her cheeses.
When Anna let herself into her room well after midnight, she lit the small lamp in her room and gazed at her reflection in the mirror. She had cut her hair short, a trick she had learned almost immediately upon moving to the frontier town as a deterrent to most male advances. With it short, and with her oversized clothing, she most often passed for a young girl, or if she wore pants, could tuck her hair under a cap and pass for a boy. She fingered the strands, and hated having to keep it short, but at the same time was grateful she had no horror stories following her like som
e of the gals she had met on the street. She washed her face in the basin and noted that her eyes were not as lively. She admitted to herself that,while she was proud of all she accomplished on her own out there, it had cost her a great deal. Anna could not remember the last time she had laughed. For that matter, she could not remember when she had smiled without forcing it. As she forced herself to smile into the mirror, there was a tap at her door.
“Anna. You still awake? I have a note for you.”
Curious, Anna opened the door to find Fran in her nightgown and hair cap holding a folded note with “Anna Johnson” written on it. Suddenly caught off guard, Anna stared at it.
“You told me your name was Fairchild, but this man insisted your last name was Johnson. Here, take it. He said it was about a will.”
Anna’s blood ran cold. A will. Matthew. She reached out for the note as tears flooded her eyesight, and after gently closing the door in Fran’s face with no explanation, Anna sat on her bed and opened the note.
It was a notice from a local lawyer's office asking her to visit their office the next day at 10 a.m. to discuss the matter of a will. Anna stared at it and, furious with God, crumpled the paper and let it fall to the floor. Throwing herself onto her stomach, Anna muffled the sounds of her sobs in her thick down pillow.
The next morning, more curious about how the legal agency found her than anything that might be in the will, Anna rang the bell to the lawyer’s office. The gentleman let her in and welcomed her to a seat in front of his desk. He scrutinized Anna for a few minutes before starting.
“I don’t suppose you have any documents proving you are Mrs. Anna Johnson?”
Anna shook her head, “No. Just my word. May I ask how you found me?”
The older gentleman replied, "We will get to that in a moment, but first I need to ask you to verify a few things, just so I may be certain I am delivering this document to the correct young woman. So let us get started, shall we?”
Anna leaned back in the chair. "Of course.”
“What was your legal name upon moving to Denver?”
“Anna Fairchild.”
The man jotted her answer down on a paper sheet.
“Whom were you meeting in Denver?”
“Matthew Johnson.”
“Were you aware of his sister when you arrived in Denver?”
“Beth? No. Matthew mentioned her as we were walking to the church.”
“Very good. One more question: Why did you abandon your dying husband and distraught sister-in-law?”
Caught completely off guard, Anna stared at the edge of the desk. How was she supposed to answer that? She was a coward? She was angry? She couldn’t watch another person she loved die?
She looked up at the lawyer, “I am afraid I can’t answer that. No one wants to know the answer to that, and it helps no one and nothing.”
“I think you will find you are gravely mistaken, Mrs. Johnson.” The man rummaged through several papers on his desk and pulled a large envelope out and placed it on top. “Would you like to hazard a guess what might be in this envelope?”
Anna looked at it. It appeared to be thick with paper. “The note you left with my landlady said this had to do with a will. It that Matthew’s will?”
“In a manner of speaking, Mrs. Johnson.”
“What does that mean?” Anna asked, completely dumbfounded by the strange nature of this meeting. “What does it say?”
The man took off his glasses and handed the heavy envelope to Anna. “I cannot fathom to know, Madam. I was hired to find you, and to make sure you received this. I was hired to ask that you take it home and read the contents. In three days, if you wish to learn more, then I will expect you here at the same time. If you do not come, then I will have the answer we need.”
“What answer? Who is ‘we’?” Flabbergasted, Anna held the heavy envelope that had her name elegantly printed on it in block letters, easy for her to decipher.
The lawyer looked at his pocket watch. “Goodness, the time! I am sincerely sorry, Madam, but I will have to wait to answer your other questions in three days.” With that he stood up, helped Anna to her feet, and ushered her out the door of his office.
Bemused, Anna returned to the cafe where Fran impatiently prodded Anna about the will. Anna held up the envelope and shrugged her shoulders.
“I have to read it over myself and then return to see the lawyer in three days.”
“What?” asked Fran. “He did not read it to you and explain what it meant?”
“No. It was all very strange.” Anna paused for a moment as a sudden tiny thought occurred to her. No. It could not be. Anna looked at Fran. "May I have the day to read over this? Will you be okay without me?”
Fran nodded, as eager to know the contents as her young protégée. “You just let me know if I need to bring up some food or tea, love.”
Anna thanked Fran and retreated to her room. Excitement and irrational hope flooded Anna’s body and mind. As she stared at the sealed envelope, she was so afraid of what she might find, but a small part of her, a tiny flicker hoped for a miracle.
Sitting on her bed, Anna carefully tore open the envelope and pulled out a thick sheaf of papers. Flipping through them, she saw each one was a letter, written in block print so she could more easily read the contents, and at the top, each one was dated, with the first one starting just one day after she had left the ranch. As Anna scanned over the jumble of words, her eyes rested on the signature at the bottom. It did not need to be in block print, for it was imprinted in her heart. It was the same signature Matthew signed on their marriage certificate and church register.
Her heart stopped for a moment and then the tears flooded her eyes. Not able to even begin to read the letters, just knowing that Matthew had somehow beaten all the odds, and despite her own convictions that he would never wake up, he had. Anna wept for several minutes as the shock, relief, happiness, and shame washed over her all at once. Finally, her curiosity won over her emotions and she dried her eyes and cheeks to read the first letter.
Dearest Anna,
I woke up today to find myself thankful to be alive and excited to continue my life with you, but found you had gone. Beth found your notes. She just finished reading hers to me, after I finished reading the one you left me. Lovely Anna, your fears did not come to pass. I am still here, and I hope we can find you before you go too far. I am praying that you will come home to me. Come home to Beth. I did not tell you this before I fell ill, and I hope you forgive me for telling you in this manner. Anna, I truly do love you. I hope you will come home and allow me to spend the rest of my life showing you.
Matthew
Anna could not believe it. There was no reprimand. There was no anger. There was no condemnation. Could he really love her? Even now after the days had turned into weeks and into months? Could he really love her as she was now, for she knew full well the woman she had become in just two months was different from the woman she had been just arriving to Denver and learning how to live on the ranch.
Anna moved on to the next letter. Then she moved on the next. Matthew had written her several times a week, with the last letter written by telegraph just that morning.
Anna. Come home please. Let me love you. Matthew.
By the time Anna had read that final short note, she knew what she wanted to do. She looked out her window and realized she still had time, so she dashed down the stairs into the cafe. Not wanting to get into a long discussion with Fran, she simply handed her all the letters.
“Fran, I am going home.” Leaving Fran gaping after her, Anna rushed out the door to get tickets on the first stage to Denver. As she rushed down the street, she rounded the corner where the stage platform was. There on the platform was a familiar figure talking to the same lawyer she had seen that morning. Anna stopped dead in her tracks and remained in the shadows of the building.
No. It could not be! Dear God, have you brought him straight to me?
All of Anna�
�s anger and bitterness at God fell away as she watched Matthew talk to the lawyer. She noted he was standing with the aid of a cane. There was a new vulnerability to him that had not been there before. He was still thin after being ill for so long. His finely chiseled face was now a little gaunt, but as she peered at him, she was once again astonished at how handsome and confident he was. As Matthew shook hands with the lawyer, Anna moved out of the shadows and caught his eye. The two of them stood there staring at each other, both fighting the emotions that enveloped them as they saw each other for the first time since she left. Anna slowly stepped toward Matthew as he stepped off the platform and rushed toward her. Toe to toe they stared into each other's eyes and saw all they needed to see. Matthew scooped Anna up and kissed her long and hard.
“Let’s go home,” he breathed into her ear, and as she nodded at him with a huge smile on her face, Anna silently thanked the Lord for proving to her His grace, mercy, and promise of lasting love.
Chapter 7
Three weeks later, Anna woke up to sunlight shining brightly in her eyes. She lay still for a moment, listening to the most beautiful sound in her world, the deep breathing of Matthew beside her. Carefully, she turned on her side and watched him sleeping. She still could not believe that this gorgeous man, inside and out, had fallen in love with her and stayed loyal to her despite her running away when he needed her most.
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