by Leanne Burn
When the doorbell went at 8 that night I thought it might have been Karen. Bethany was up in her cot and Thomas was asleep on the settee. We had all had an early bath together so I was in my pyjamas.
It was Keith and he was drunk. I don’t know why let him in. He said he wanted a cup of coffee. He followed me into the living room, Thomas was asleep on the settee, so I told him to keep the noise down. As he sat down on the chair next to the telly, he had a horrible look on his face, I’d seen that look before he was angry. I’d make him a coffee and then I’d tell him to go.
As I walked into the kitchen I cursed myself at having not put on a dressing gown, I was wearing a baggy pyjama playsuit, one of my aunties had bought for my birthday, there wasn’t anything sexy about it, but it was shortish and I felt at a slight disadvantage. I knocked on the kettle and busied about making the coffee.
Keith staggered into the kitchen and leant against the kitchen sink. The dishes I had washed earlier were on the draining board and it wasn’t until he had a knife in his hand did I realise what he was going to do. He grabbed my hair and pulled my head back. He pressed the knife against my throat and whispered into my ear. “You are a slut and you deserve everything that is coming to you. You make a sound and I will slice your fucking throat open.” He dragged the knife across my throat, I knew from old that I was going to have to be as submissive as I possibly could. He pushed me over the bench and ripped at my playsuit, he kept pulling and pulling at it until heard the buttons drop onto the old lino floor. I was naked. Pulling my head back again he once again positioned the knife at my throat. I could feel him loosening his belt and dropping his jeans and then he raped me.
It was all over quickly. He released me and I bent over and pulled up what remained of my playsuit. I said nothing. He put the knife on the bench and I heard him redoing his jeans. He walked out of the kitchen and I followed, when he went into the sitting room I made my way upstairs. On the way to the bathroom I popped my head in my bedroom, Bethany was still sound asleep. I took some joggers and a tee shirt from my wardrobe, some clean underwear. In the bathroom I changed out of the playsuit, I didn’t even risk getting washed, Thomas was downstairs on the settee with a drunken Keith.
When I opened the bathroom door Keith was standing there. I thought he had come upstairs to apologise, but no, he was still at it. “Did you enjoy that you slut, you got exactly what you fucking deserved, you are a cunt and a whore, you’ll let anyone fuck you, you fucking deserved that and you fucking loved it”. I stared at him, not believing what I was hearing, I was rooted to the spot, I had Bethany upstairs and Thomas downstairs and I didn’t know what to do.
As Keith carried on spewing abuse at me I realised that he was getting turned on. Still I couldn’t move, the only thing that happened was that silent tears started to pour down my face. “Stop fucking crying you cunt you loved it, you were wet, you fucking love it like that” then he punched me in the face. I staggered back into the bathroom but before I had chance to recover he punched me again, this time it knocked me off my feet and I was on the bathroom floor.
Keith was on top of me before I knew what was happening. He was pulling at my joggers getting them off me. I made to scream but he put his hand over my mouth. He used is legs to prise my legs apart, pushed my knickers to one side and stuck his fingers up me. “See you fucking love it, your wet, you want fucking again.” He took his hand away from my mouth and I gasped for air. The jeans were undone again, his cock back out and when his hand went back over my mouth I thought I was done for. I lay there fighting for breath as he raped me again, it hurt but he didn’t care he just kept on going. I prayed to every God I knew that he could take me now, let him kill me, but don’t let Keith hurt the kids. I didn’t mind if I died, just keep my kids safe.
Keith’s hand came away from my mouth, he pulled at my hair and pushed my head down. He pulled his cock out of me and came all over my hair and face.
I hurt everywhere, my face felt sore and puffy as I used my joggers to wipe up Keith’s mess. I sat on the bathroom floor and tried to pull myself together. Keith straightened himself up again and walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs. I heard the kettle getting switched on and the smell of his cigarette smoke wafted up the stairs. Thomas I thought, I have to get down to Thomas.
I pulled the joggers back on and crept down the stairs. Keith was in the kitchen making himself a cup of coffee. In the living room Thomas slept, he looked like an angel and I thanked God for hearing my prayer. I had to do something. The phone was in the living room and the only person I could think of to ring was my dad. I made my way over to the phone, but just as I got to it Keith came into the living room. “Don’t even think about it Caroline, don’t you fucking dare, I will fucking kill you”, I didn’t care, I couldn’t stand there and do nothing.
The minute I picked up the receiver he was on me. He punched me in the face again and as I fell to my knees he tried to wrap the telephone cord around my neck. I fought back, I lashed out at him as hard as I could, but this just made him madder, he punched me again and again, sometimes in the face, sometimes in my ears, I could taste blood. When I eventually collapsed on the floor he started kicking me. Not caring if he marked me or not he kept on kicking me.
Then he stopped. I turned my head to look at him and once again the jeans were coming off. He raped me for a third time.
This time when it was over he got up and left, but not before he smashed my telly and threw the cd player against the wall. I rolled over and looked across at the settee, through my swollen eyes I could see Thomas wide awake and staring at me.
“It’s okay Thomas, it’s okay, Mammy is fine” I said as I crawled across to him on the settee. Every inch of my body hurt. I made it over to the settee and rolled up beside him. Wrapping his little body in my arms I lay there, I don’t know if I slipped into unconsciousness or if it was sleep, but for the next few hours I drifted in and out of something……
Sometime in the middle of the night I managed to pick Thomas up and carry him upstairs to our bed. Bethany was sleeping soundly still. I went back downstairs and checked all of the doors, I cleaned the kitchen and tidied around the living room.
Upstairs I ran myself a bath. I washed away every trace of Keith. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror but just looking at the state of the rest of my body I knew I was in a bad way.
Crawling into bed with Thomas, I made a decision. This was going to be the end of it. There would be no police, no court case, no nothing. It would all be too much. Too much for me. Too much for my mam and dad. Too much for my Granny and one day it might be too much for Thomas and Bethany.
In the darkness I could hear Bethany snoring and Thomas still had a cold so his nose still made the little whistling sound. I let the sound of my children lull me to sleep…………….
“Contestant number 1 are you alright, hello contestant number 1...
Caroline!!!“ Cilla yelled!!!
2 4 6 8 Motorway
Caroline was back in the services. Her guilty meal still in front of her untouched. She ached all over, but when she checked her watch she had been sitting there for almost an hour and a half. She felt sick and needed a cigarette. She didn’t even bother acknowledging Mr Burger King behind the counter, she just quietly left the café.
After a trip to the loo, where she deliberately didn’t look in the stupid mirror, she nipped into W H Smith and got herself a sandwich, drink and some chocolate for the rest of the journey. Two cigarettes later she was back in her car.
The satnav showed there was 140 miles left to go, about two and a half hours. It was 5 in the morning, “where had the night gone to?” Caroline thought to herself.
The rain had stopped, but it was still dark. As Caroline pulled out of the parking space her head started to throb. I can’t do any more thinking she thought as she reached across and turned on the radio.
Music was still out of the question but she fiddled about until she found a station that had people talking on it.
That would do she thought, mindless chatter.
This time when she rejoined the motorway she put her foot down. Speed and the need to concentrate was what was needed now. No time to think. Tonight’s thinking had worn her out.
The next time she looked at the satnav she was shocked to realise she had travelled just over 100 miles, it was 6.19. She only had 40 miles or so left to go. It was still dark and the rain was back. She eased off the accelerator and decided she would just cruise the rest of the way. The satnav was set to take her straight to the bungalow, but she would have to call at the estate agents, sign paperwork and collect the keys. Might as well go and have a look at my new home she decided. She turned up the radio, it was still all talking and as she tuned into the conversation she realised that the discussion was about the 50 Shades trilogy. She had read them months ago, long before the furore began about them. She had read them but not particularly enjoyed them, give her a classic any day, Wuthering Heights or Far From the Madding Crowd, but 50 Shades had whiled away the lonely hours in her bed at home.
Caroline’s stomach did a turn at the thought of home. Thomas would be there now, no doubt with his girlfriend. It wasn’t her home anymore, she had left it hours ago. Her home was in front of her, another 30 or so miles away. “Look forward not back”, she thought.
The bungalow look nice, it was still dark, but the rain had stopped again when Caroline pulled up outside it. The street she had drove along was scattered with small detached bungalows, all looking well kept. The one Caroline was renting was near the end of the street and she noticed on the satnav that if she did a right turn at the bottom of the street it would take her to the beach. The smell of the sea wafted in through the window and Caroline visibly relaxed.
She was here, the long night was coming to an end and her new beginning would be here with the new day. There was still some time to kill before the estate agents opened. Caroline checked the paperwork for the estate agents address, it was located in the next village about 3 miles away, a 5 or 10 minute drive.
Looking at the bungalow, even in the dark morning it seemed welcoming. This has been the right thing to do she thought to herself. I won’t be here forever but it is somewhere I can heal, where I can learn to breathe normally and somewhere I can plan the rest of my life.
Caroline swung the Astra around and drove it onto the drive. She switched off the engine and reached into her handbag for her cigarettes. She stepped out of the car and stretched, it felt like she had been sitting down for days. She inhaled deeply, the salty air was so strong she could almost taste it, her stomach flipped and a memory shot across her mind, Seahouses a long time ago, she had sat on the harbour wall and let fate dictate her life.
Lighting her cigarette she walked further up the drive towards the bungalow. Dawn was breaking and it already wasn’t as dark as when she had arrived. The bungalow would be like a salve on her wounds she thought, it was small, only two bedrooms, but it had a garage and when she made her way around the back she was pleasantly surprised to see it had a conservatory.
The back garden was small, but also well kept, it had a small area which had been decked out and a lawn. Caroline shivered, she hadn’t bothered to put her coat on, she walked onto the decking and pulled out a one of the four chairs which were around a wooden table.
Deciding she needed her coat after all, she made her way back to the car. She grabbed the coat and her handbag, locked the car and made her way back around to the decking area. “If any of the neighbours see me they will think I’m nuts” she thought. But being cooped up in the car and after all the hours she had spent in the services, the fresh air was too much of a temptation.
The chair felt damp as she sat on it, she dumped her handbag on the table and pulled out the can of pop and chocolate she had bought earlier. The flashing red light on her mobile caught her eye.
Chocolate and a drink first, maybe another cigarette, then I’ll rejoin the rest of the world. Caroline stubbed out her cigarette on the decking, “I’ll pick it up later” she thought. She drained her can of pop and then wished she hadn’t, she needed a wee. There was still no one around so she made her way to the bottom of the garden and squatted down beside a bush.
As she made her way back up the garden a sea gull shrieked above her, in the morning light it looked like a jumbo jet, she really was beside the sea. A flicker of excitement rippled through her stomach. I know I am on my own, maybe I’ll be on my own for the rest of my life she thought, but I’m going to live, I’m going to make a life for myself. And if and when Thomas, Beth and James come they will see how strong I am. I won’t let this take me under, it almost did once but I won’t go that low again. Surely after everything that has happened in my life I can survive this.
Sitting back at the table Caroline picked up her mobile. Four messages.
Message one
Sasha
Hi hun, r u ok? Update please!!
Me
Yes - im at the bungalow - It looks lovely - I’m doing the right thing
Sash xx
Message 2
Scarlett
Morning r u ok? I’ve tossed and turned all night thinking about you. I know you think you are doing the right thing but you could have just come and stayed with me. I love you and I’m here for you always day or night text me when you can
Me
Im here and im fine - im at the bungalow and it looks really nice from the outside - you know I wud have if I cud have but I cudn’t - this will be good for me and u can come and stay - I know I’m a long way from u but I’m here for u too - love u xxx
Message 3
Beth
Hi mam ava was awake really early and I can’t stop thinking about u x I spoke to Thomas last night he is fine I think gabby is staying with him and I think he is over the shock x why don’t u text him mam he is a big boy now and I know he has seen ben x I inboxed jimmy on Facebook but he hasn’t replied too busy getting drunk in maga is suppose x don’t worry about us mam we’ll be fine x we have each other and jack is here 4 me too x and those mad mates of urs r texting
all the time lol x ring me when u can mam x its easier 4 me because ive know 4 longer x kisses from ava and me
Me
Im here beth - I know what u r saying about Thomas but I don’t know what to say to him - can u keep an eye on him and when I have my head in gear I will get in touch with him I promise - don’t worry 2 much about james if he gets in touch it will be coz he wants money lol - it isn’t the same 4 him as it is Thomas - ive hurt Thomas badly - as soon as I get myself into bungalow and sorted ill ring u - im just so sorry beth - give ava a big cuddle for me xxx
Message 4
07765335477
No message
Caroline stared at the message. She put down her phone and then picked it back up and opened the messages again.
07765335477
No message
With shaking hands she took a cigarette out and lit it. She inhaled deeply letting the nicotine calm her down. She switched her mobile off the immediately switched it back on again. She reopened the message.
07765335477
No message
Closing her eyes, in her head she started screaming. Cilla Cilla come back and finish what you started!!!!!!
“Its okay chuck I’m here, no need for all that shouting and screaming”.
Right contestant number one third and final question! “After Keith beat and raped you, what happened next”.
Caroline opened her eyes, she took another couple of drags on her cigarette and then let her mind take her right back. Back to the morning after Keith had beaten her, the morning after he had raped her.
“I did nothing, just like I said I wouldn’t”
Morning has Broken
I woke late, the sun was streaming through the bedroom window. Bethany was awake and busy pulling at the feet of her babygrow. Thomas slept on. I lay staring at the ceiling for a few minutes, the last thing I wanted to think about was the night
before, but there it was all replaying in my mind in full and glorious colour. I felt nothing, I didn’t feel sorry for myself, I didn’t feel my cuts and bruises and I felt nothing for Keith. Was I in shock? Probably. But as I lay there in my bed I felt neither anger nor hatred.
I sat up. Bethany realising I was awake started chuntering. “Yes Beth, I’m coming, I know you are hungry, let’s go and make some breakfast.”
Taking Bethany out of her cot, I let Thomas sleep, he could manage to get out of bed himself and I’d close the baby gate at the top of the stairs, he’ll shout when he wants me, we made our way downstairs. I changed Bethany in the living room. No telly and no music for us this morning I thought, at least I had cleaned up the mess last night, I don’t think I could have faced it this morning.
Putting Bethany into her highchair I quickly got her some juice and a biscuit. I made myself a coffee and went back into the living room. Opening the curtains I stood and looked out onto the garden, it was a beautiful morning, a shiver rang through my body. It could have been a different story, I thanked God once again that he had kept my babies safe and that I had survived to see this morning.
A knock on the door shook me out of my Praying. It was early, too early for Karen and my mam and dad wouldn’t just pop or my Granny for that matter. I glanced in the mirror in the hall as I made my way to the front door. I looked as if I had been boxing. Both my eyes were swollen, my cheeks were bruised, my lips were cut, my ears were a lovely purple colour and my neck was covered in scratches and marks.
Heading towards the knocking door, my attention was distracted by Thomas banging on the baby gate. Not thinking, I opened the latch on the door shouting up to Thomas at the same time that I would be there in a minute. Before I had chance to see who was doing the knocking, Keith pushed his way in and stood in front of me. Scream I thought, just scream, but the second I thought of the scare it would give Thomas and Bethany I decided against it.