by Leanne Burn
Going back to the car she started unloading her belongings, she dumped them in the living room and went back for more until the car was empty. The living room was a tip, but methodically she started to empty the bags and boxes.
She must have been at it for a couple of hours when she came across the CD Beth had made for her. She couldn’t remember putting it in, maybe Bethany had. She stared at it, “well now was a good a time as any” she thought, the first of her trauma boxes to be opened.
The CD player Scarlett had given her when she left Keith was on the living room floor. She fiddled about until she had the speakers hooked up and the power cable plugged in. She put the CD in and pressed play. It wasn’t as bad as she thought. As she busied about she listened to the songs, each bringing a memory into head.
1. Timberland - The Way I Are
2. Shakira - Underneath Your Clothes
3. Beyoncé - Irreplaceable
4. Adele - Rolling in the Deep
5. The Script - If You Ever Come Back
6. Bruno Mars - Taking to the Moon
7. The Script - Walkaway
8. Example - Anything
9. Eminem - Love the Way You Lie
10. Keane - Somewhere Only We Know
It was when the CD got to the last song that Caroline sat down on the edge of the settee and listened to the words. It was her song to Ben, their song for the future.
I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
[break]
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
This was her Achilles Heel, she let the tears flow and when her breathing became laboured with the panic attack she didn’t fight it. She reached over and pressed repeat on the CD player. She sat and listened to it over and over and over again. The tears stopped and the breathing went back to normal, but the image of Ben wouldn’t go. “Why did I let him hurt me? Why didn’t he love me like I loved him, like he said he did? Why didn’t we have the chance to go
somewhere only we knew?” The thoughts went around and around.
She reached over and grabbed at her handbag. Taking out her cigarettes, she felt the heavy letter her mam had given her. She took it out along with her mobile. She had 3 missed calls from Thomas, she mustn’t have heard her phone because of the music.
There was also a text.
Thomas
Mam can u ring me asap
“Oh God” Caroline thought. She stood and took her cigarettes out to the decking. She sat in the seat and lit the cigarette, puffing hard, she let her nerves settle. It was mid-afternoon and it was starting to get dark. The bungalow was in some sort of order, her bed was made and all the food had been put away. She decided she would make a cup of coffee and then sit and read her mam’s letter. No she would make her coffee and then she had better ring Thomas first. She thought that he wasn’t going to answer, the phone rang and rang.
“Mam!!!” he answered, the snappiness of the night before had gone. “Hi Thomas, is everything ok?” I asked. “Mam, I’m sorry. Did you get there ok??” he went on. “Yes, fine. I’m a bit knackered now but the place is nice, what’s up Thomas?” she knew him and she knew by the tone of his voice he had something on his mind.
“Mam, will you listen to what I have to say, will you get yourself a fag, sit down and listen??” he pleaded. “Okay okay, I’ll just go out onto the decking, right Thomas say what you have to say!!” this is it she thought, all those weeks he didn’t say anything it was all going to come out now. She picked her cigarettes back up and stuffed her mam’s letter into her jeans pocket. “Let’s have it then” she said when she was back in her seat on the decking.
“Mam, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I have treat you for the past few weeks. It wasn’t such a shock about Ben. You are my mam and he is my best friend, I would have to have been deaf and blind not to know something was going on. But I didn’t want to know, it was too weird. Even when you were ill, I knew Ben had something to do with it, but what you did made him ill too, so I kept out of it.” he stated.
“Thomas, I’m sorry. I know I have shown you up and I understand why you are angry, I’m just so sorry” the tears were back. “Listen mam, that isn’t what I wanted to say. I know you are sorry. You have to listen to me and please stop crying. Ben wasn‘t back with Emma, the night of the accident she had asked him to meet her because she had something to tell him” Thomas waited for me to respond.
Yes, I know all that, he had got Emma pregnant, I know all this Thomas.” Caroline replied. “Why the hell was he doing this?” she thought.
“Mam, I had been seeing Emma for months. Behind everyone’s back we had got together. We didn’t say anything because she had always been Ben’s on off girlfriend. But when he finished her last time she had got in touch with me, she was angry because she knew that he had left her for you. I denied it though, I told her she was just being paranoid, but for some reason we just seemed to click”.
Caroline’s head was spinning. “Thomas and Emma” she thought. So that would mean….. “The baby is mine mam. The night she asked Ben to meet her she was going to tell him. She thought that the least he deserved was to be told to his face what was happening. The accident happened not long as she got into the car. That’s why I was at the hospital. I told you it was Ben’s mam and dad that had rang, but it had been Emma. Ben knew nothing about the baby until that nurse came in. He knew the baby couldn’t be his, but was too shocked to say anything at the time, especially as you had your little outburst soon after. I’m sorry mam, it got to be a bit of a mess, even Ben’s mam and dad thought Ben was the dad. I really bollacked Emma when I read what she had wrote on Facebook about you, but she has always had a bee in her bonnet about you and I think she wanted to hurt you. Anyway after you rang me last night saying you were going, Emma made me come home, we wanted to tell you what was going on together. When we got home you had gone. Mam are you there?” he asked.
Caroline couldn’t speak. She opened her mouth but no words came out. The spinning in her head had stopped and now it felt like all the blood was draining out of her. She thought that she was going to faint.
She had accused Ben of all sorts, told him he was a liar and a cheat. A bastard. All the time he had been telling the truth. Thomas and Emma!!! Didn’t Beth say he was with Gabby last night? it hadn’t been, it had been Emma, in my house. She was almost 300 miles away, she had run away because she had opened her mouth, because she didn’t want to see Emma’s baby. Emma and Thomas’s baby
, her grandchild!!!!!! She heard Thomas shouting down the phone “Mam? Mam? Mam?” And then as the decking rose up to meet her, everything went black……………………
An extract from the next part…….. Move Over Darling
Caroline came around on the decking outside the conservatory. She had fainted but wasn’t sure how long she had been out cold for. At least she thought she had fainted, maybe she just fell asleep. It had been quite a 24 hours. In fact it had been quite a few weeks, but no she didn’t think she had fallen asleep. Her already tired and aching body hurt, she must have gone down with a clatter, but there were no bones broken and as she pulled herself back onto the seat she noticed her mobile phone was over the other side of the decking.
She picked it up as she went into the conservatory. Yes she had definitely had a call off Thomas, it hadn’t been a dream. The conversation replayed in her head. Thomas was the father of Emma’s baby, Ben hadn’t been seeing her again, he had been telling the truth all along.
She couldn’t think about it now, it was too much. She had just travelled almost 300 miles, abandoned her family and her friends because she had thought Ben had lied to her. Because she thought Ben had lied and was the father of Emma’s baby, she had told everyone about her 6 year affair with her son’s best friend. It was too much.
The coffee she had made herself earlier was still on the kitchen bench, it was still warm. Not hot enough for Caroline to drink, she poured it down the sink and flicked on the kettle. While she waited for it to come up to the boil she text Thomas.
Me
I love you - I can’t think straight at the minute - I’ll call you tomorrow Xx
Taking the hot cup of coffee she went into the living room. It was still a tip. She moved some boxes off the settee and sat down. Her mam’s envelope was still in her jeans pocket and it stabbed her in the back as she sat down. Taking it out of her pocket she put it on the settee and stared at it. What was this all about she thought to herself? Her phone beeped.
Thomas
I’m sorry mam I shouldn’t have let u go I should have told u b4 it got to this I hope u r ok
Me
I had to go - please don’t worry about me - a good nights sleep will sort me - love you
Thomas
Love u 2
It had been a long day. Finishing the coffee Caroline went back onto the decking for another cigarette, she would feel the damage of too many cigarettes in the morning, but her nerves were shot and she’d make this one her last. The night was cold, but the sky was clear and there were hundreds of stars, she liked to think her Granny was one of them and searched the sky for the brightest. “What would she have made of all of this?” she thought.
Back in the bungalow she checked the windows and doors, switching off the lamps in the living room, she picked her mam’s letter up again and carried it with her into the bedroom.
She ran a bath and as it filled she went into the bedroom and put her mobile on charge. She quickly sent texts to Scarlett and Sasha, just saying she was fine, was having an early night and would call them in the morning. James was next, even though he was away in Spain she wanted him to know she had got there in one piece and then she text Beth.
Me
Just to let you know I am fine - I’m going to have a bath and an early night - I don’t know if you have spoken to Thomas or not but he called me before and told me everything - I’m ok - ill call you tomorrow - the sea air is making me sleepy - love you all
She didn’t stay in the bath long, she just really needed her hair washing. She pulled on her jarmies and towel dried her hair, no one to see the frizzy mess it would be in the morning so it wouldn’t hurt to go to bed with it wet.
Climbing in between the sheets felt like heaven. The bedroom looked cosy and she didn’t feel scared that she was in a new house with strange noises. It felt right. “Right for now” she thought.
Her mobile was on her bedside cabinet and it was flashing indicating a message. Picking it up she saw she had 3 new messages.
Bethany
Pleased u ok Thomas texted to say he is coming along in the morning not a clue wot 4 pleased u spoke though night night love from us3 xx
Sasha
Miss & luv u hun xxxxxxx
07765335477
No message
Caroline’s stomach did somersaults when she saw the third message, it had to be Ben. Who else would be sending messages with no messages in them? It wasn’t the first one she had had that day. She really couldn’t think about him, she was too tired and too wound up about everything.
She put the mobile down and picked up her mam’s letter. Tearing it open there were pages and pages in her mam’s small neat hand writing. It was written in black ink of course, her mam thought writing letters in any other colour was an insult.
Snuggling into the pillows she unfolded the letter and started to read the first page.
Caroline
I want to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago. It’s about your dad, your real dad. If I tell you my story then it might help you understand who you are.
Caroline re read the first paragraph twice more. Her mam had never spoken to her about her real dad. He was a sore subject as far as Caroline knew. She had often asked when she was younger, before her stepdad Bill came on the scene, but over the years she had lost interest.
Bill was everything she could have wanted in a dad. Not in the beginning, not until she was an adult did she appreciate him, but he treat her as if he was her own and vice versa. So her real dad was never mentioned.
All Caroline knew of him was that he was already married when she was born, as far as she knew he had never tried to see her. There had never been birthday or Christmas cards, he didn’t exist.
Now her mam wanted to tell all, “why now?” she thought. Maybe he had died and left her millions!!! More like her mam was always too cowardly to talk about him to her face, there was a huge distance between them now and it wasn’t as if she could go running along to see her and ask awkward questions.
There was only one way to find out, she was going to have to read the letter. Find out who the bloke was that wasn’t on her birth certificate.
She picked up the letter and started to read on.
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