by Pat Warren
Stretching out his long legs, Jeff snapped out of his reverie and gazed at his wife in her hospital bed. “You sure put me through a miserable couple of weeks that time, Tish. Not as miserable as right now, of course. But this is different. This time, I’m worried and, I have to admit, more than a little scared. But back then, I was angry and deep down inside, hurt.
“You have no idea how rejection like that can sting. I told you I loved you and you said you loved me, too. Then you rode off and left me. I knew you had issues about love, about marriage, about men who claimed to love you, like your father and later, Eric, the man you thought loved you. And I know a couple of weeks isn’t a long time, but our feelings were real.”
Jeff ran a hand through his hair, remembering his frustration. “Maybe you didn’t believe that I cared so deeply. Maybe you were afraid to trust your own feelings. Or perhaps you were simply afraid of marriage, of commitment. Lots of people are, only a lot of times it’s men who are afraid.”
He leaned forward and again took her hand. “Even though I was angry, I couldn’t forget you. Lord knows I tried. I left Red Rock the same day you did, only later in the afternoon, catching a plane to L.A. Back a day early and they could scarcely believe that anyone would cut short a vacation.”
Caressing her hand, Jeff found himself remembering the reunion that followed, and a small smile broke through. “I hadn’t heard from you in several weeks and I’d pretty much convinced myself it was over. I hated going to sleep because you were all I dreamed of, so I worked double shifts, tiring my body so I could fall into bed and not be haunted by dreams of you. It didn’t work very well. Which was why I was so shocked when you showed up that day last autumn at my L.A apartment, out of the blue….”
Los Angeles, early October
Climbing the stairs to his third-floor apartment, Jeff felt as if there were heavy weights in each of his shoes. He was bone tired, all his energy depleted. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had a really good meal, away from the hospital—like a steak and all the trimmings served at a table—instead of a bagel caught on the run or a cup of soup he drank standing up. Although he was hungry, he was too tired to fix a meal. Maybe after he slept awhile. He wasn’t due back at the hospital for twelve blessed hours.
Reaching the third floor, wondering how he’d driven home as worn-out as he was, he fumbled with his keys, searching for the right one. As he turned down the hallway, he glanced up, then stopped dead in his tracks.
Sitting on the carpeted hall floor in front of his apartment door was Tish wearing a navy shirt over khaki slacks and navy running shoes.
As he stood staring at her, Jeff wondered if he was hallucinating in his dissipated state. How had she found his address? Through SPEAR operatives, of course. His knees feeling weak from fatigue and the climb, he braced one hand on the hallway wall as he gazed at her.
Damn, but she looked good. She slowly stood, silently facing him, the expression on her beautiful face hard to read. She’d let her hair grow, the ends just barely touching her shoulders. Her eyes were watchful and her whole demeanor was hesitant.
Jeff finally found his voice. “Tish,” he said. All the anger he’d carefully nursed along, all the hurt he’d hated to acknowledge, left him as his eyes caressed her from afar. “You’re looking great,” he added, slowly walking closer.
But when he reached her side, even as tired as he was, he could see the dark smudges of fatigue beneath her eyes, the trembling of her lower lip. Jeff frowned, but refrained from reaching out. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
Tish averted her gaze. “Could we go inside? I—I’d like to talk with you.”
“Sure, sure.” He found the right key and opened the door, standing aside so she could enter. Following, he saw the small apartment as if through her eyes, and almost cringed. It was a rental, plain and simple, adequate for the few hours he spent in it.
The furnishings came with the place, a long and comfortable sofa that had seen better days, an easy chair and ottoman that didn’t match, two wood tables and a lamp. Books he’d been studying last night were stacked on the floor, a pair of old moccasins next to them. A jacket was draped over the arm of the chair and two empty pop cans were on the table next to a half-eaten candy bar. To the left through the arch was the kitchen, small but serviceable. To the right was his bedroom and bath.
Jeff felt he ought to explain. “This is temporary, naturally, until I finish my residency.” He scooped up a pile of newspapers from the floor next to the couch and set the stack on the ottoman. “I’m here so seldom that I—”
“Jeff,” Tish interrupted, “you needn’t defend where you live.”
The apartment had one good feature, a fairly large picture window that, although it looked out onto the parking lot, made the place seem light and airy. He watched her walk over to it and stand gazing out. He wished he knew what she was thinking.
Scrubbing a hand over his face, acutely aware he needed a shower and shave, he moved over to join her. “Would you like something to drink?” It was the first week of October and already cooler. “I could make some coffee.” Maybe the caffeine would help him stay awake, to focus more easily on her unexpected visit.
“No, thanks. You needn’t bother.” She didn’t take her eyes off the scene outside the window. “I’ve been wondering where you live, trying to picture you here.”
That sounded good, he thought. At least she’d been thinking about him. “So now you know.” He decided to get down to it. He took a step closer to her. “Why’d you come, Tish?”
Finally, her eyes swung toward him. “I needed to tell you. I’ve taken a leave of absence from the field.”
That surprised him. He’d told himself during one of his sleepless nights that of course she couldn’t marry him, that she was already married to SPEAR. “I know how much you love working. You must have a good reason.”
Her brown eyes were steady on his, but he saw a muscle twitch beneath one and he again wondered why her skin looked so bruised, as if she’d had a lot of sleepless nights.
“I do have a good reason. I’m pregnant. Two and a half months.”
Jeff couldn’t help himself. He just stared for several long moments, then his face split into a huge grin. “That’s wonderful.” In his exuberance, he picked her up and swung her around in his strong arms, then bent his head to kiss her.
She held back at first, stiff and unyielding. But then, just when he was beginning to regret he’d touched her, she made a low groaning sound in her throat and her arms snaked around him, urging him closer. Her mouth moved over his, making him recall the wonder of her kisses.
Home. Jeff felt as if he’d come home. She tasted even better than he’d been remembering and she smelled so clean and sweet. He gathered her closer and the kiss went on and on, both of them caught up in the power of it. One thing they’d had from their very first meeting was an electric excitement between them that threatened to ignite with the merest glance.
Finally Jeff released her and met her eyes, which were already a shade hazy. He’d hoped to see joy or signs of pleasure on her face, but instead she looked melancholy. Hadn’t she told him once that she wanted children? Surely she hadn’t changed her mind. Naturally, he’d rather she’d have come to him because she wanted him desperately, not because an unexpected pregnancy meant she needed a father for her child. But after all these weeks without her, he wasn’t about to make an issue out of it.
“Aren’t you happy about the baby, Tish?” he asked softly.
She drew in a deep breath and wandered over to his couch, sitting down. “Yes, I am, although truth be known, I’d rather have waited a few more years. I’ve always wanted a child, one I could raise with all the motherly love I didn’t have growing up.” She paused, waiting until he sat down beside her.
“I knew I would have to make a decision soon about having a child before I reached the age where it might be dangerous to go through a first pregnancy. I also knew that I’d have to give up w
orking in the field then, and I wasn’t ready for that quite yet.” For the first time, she looked up and smiled. “The best laid plans of mice and men, eh? I guess the decision’s been made for me.”
He slipped an arm around her, needing to feel close again. “I’m glad, Tish. Really glad.”
She frowned, as if there were more she had to say. “Jeff, wait a minute. I want you to know that I’m not here because I expect something from you. I’m not telling you about the baby to force you to marry me. It’s just that I feel you have a right to know.”
It was Jeff’s turn to frown. “Force me to marry you? Are you kidding? I asked you back in Arizona to marry me and you ran off.”
She nodded, looking chagrined. “I know. I didn’t mean to hurt you, it’s just that I needed time. Everything happened so fast. Then when I found out about the baby, I took some time to think things over. I came to the realization that my life as a field agent is definitely over.” She looked deep into his green eyes. “I want this baby, Jeff. Your baby.”
“And the baby’s father? Do you want him, too?”
“Yes, very much. I love you, Jeff. I’m sorry if I’ve given you a hard time, but this was a life-altering decision. And I wasn’t sure you’d want a baby just now, when you’re still a resident and all.”
Now he gathered her close, heartened by those three little words she’d finally uttered. “Of course I want the baby. Honey, I’ve come through so much in life—surviving alcoholic parents, living on the streets, being buried alive and left for dead—that I believe we can handle most anything that comes our way. Together. And I can’t imagine anything more wonderful than coming home to you and our baby. Nothing could be more perfect.”
“But what about money? I won’t be bringing any in and I’m not sure how much residents make, but I’ve heard it’s not a lot. I’ve got some saved, but not much. And I won’t go to my father.”
He smiled and kissed the top of her head. “Not to worry. East set up a trust fund for me the day he adopted me ten years ago. I can dip into that if need be. He’ll be thrilled about our marriage because he’s the only one who knows how much I’ve missed you. And he’ll be happy for us about the baby, too. Ally’s expecting, you know.” He hugged her tightly, thinking he’d walked into the middle of a wonderful dream, hoping he’d never wake up. “I can hardly wait to tell him.”
Tish pulled back, frowning again. “Could we sort of keep our marriage private for now?” Noticing his face, the surprise-bordering-on-hurt look, she put her hand on his chest. “Just for a little while, Jeff. I…we’re so different, you and I. What if it doesn’t work out for the long haul? I mean, it’s okay if we talk about the baby because we can hardly keep that a secret for long. But not the marriage, not for a while. Let’s just get married quietly, please.” Her eyes on his were pleading.
Slowly, Jeff dropped his arms, disappointment etched on his tired features. “I thought every woman dreamed of a big wedding with all the frills?”
“Perhaps, but sometimes you have to adjust your dreams.”
Wasn’t that the truth? “You think we’ll fail so you want to save face in case we do?”
She grabbed hold of his hand, trying to make him see. “Do you remember an agent from California, Brenda Wicks? She and Brian Temple had a similar story as ours a couple of years back. They’d worked together in SPEAR, she became pregnant and they got married. Big church wedding, everyone invited. Well, they separated two months after the baby was born. She’d made such a big fuss, then all she felt was humiliation. She moved to the East Coast and dropped out of sight. I don’t know where Brian is.”
She certainly knew how to take the shine off good news, Jeff couldn’t help thinking. He let the silence between them build, then finally decided there was only one way to handle this. He would prove to her that no matter how many other such stories she had or how many marriages went bust, they would make it.
Placing both hands on her shoulders, he leaned to her. “I’ll go along with this, but not for long. I love you and I want you to be my wife. I want the whole damn world to know it. We’re not going to fail. You got that, Mrs. Kirby-to-be?”
She gave him a shaky smile. “Yes, Mr. Kirby. I mean Dr. Kirby.”
“Good. Now I need to take a shower and to shave before I drag my fiancée into bed where I’ve been dreaming of her for far too long. Do you think you could find something to eat in my meager kitchen while I clean up?”
Her smile was broader this time. “I think so.”
“Terrific.” He kissed her lightly, then stood. “I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”
“Ten? That’s mighty fast work.”
“I’ve waited all these weeks to get you back under the sheets. I’m not going to waste another minute.” Walking backward, he grinned. “You know, we never did get under sheets. We were always in tents or on that blanket under the stars.”
“I don’t mind if it’s the ground or the floor or your bed. As long as I’m with you.” Obviously feeling better, Tish started for the kitchen. She was almost there when she was tackled from behind and wound up being carried in the opposite direction. With a yelp, she clung to him. “What are you doing?”
“I decided to forgo the food.” In the bathroom, he let her slide down his body suggestively. “Want to scrub my back?”
“Mmm, and other interesting parts,” Tish said as she pressed her mouth to his.
Chapter 9
Dr. Edmund O’Neill came out of Tish’s ICU cubicle and found Jeff waiting for him at the nurses’ circular desk. He’d lost a patient an hour ago, a sweet woman his mother’s age who’d gone into a diabetic coma and never awakened, so he wasn’t in the best of moods. Some patients got to you more than others.
Like Tish Buckner. So lovely and so lost in her silent world. Edmund looked at Tish’s husband, Jeff, a young doctor in training, and his chest tightened. The man looked tired, worried, anxious for just one small word of hope he could cling to. Edmund wished he could offer him just that.
Pushing his glasses higher on his nose, the doctor handed Tish’s chart to the nurse and turned toward Jeff. “Let’s go over here,” he suggested, leading the worried husband to a small alcove near the double doors.
His glance took in Jeff’s appearance, rumpled clothes, needing a shave, his dark-green eyes troubled. “She’s holding her own, Doctor,” Edmund began. “I know you’re hoping for something more positive and I wish I could give it to you. But as a medical man, I’m sure you know that your wife’s injuries were serious. A severe concussion alone can put a patient into a coma for some time while the swelling recedes and the brain heals itself.”
Jeff thrust his hands into his pants pockets, nodding. “Yes, I know. You’ll have to forgive my impatience. I want so badly for her to wake up. I feel so helpless.”
“Actually, I think you’re contributing to her recovery. I’m a firm believer that coma patients are struggling to come back, drifting deeper, then floating near the surface again. And a familiar voice urging them back, hearing that someone cares and is right by her side so she’s not alone, I know that helps a great deal. I’ve seen miraculous things happen more than once. You may feel powerless, but you’re helping her even if it doesn’t seem that way.”
“I certainly hope so. You know, this has given me real insight as to how a patient’s relatives feel.”
Edmund nodded. “I went through something similar a while back when my father was hospitalized with terminal cancer. For days I sat by his side, wishing I could do something and feeling as helpless as I know you do. I think that experience made me a better doctor, and this will make you more compassionate, as well.”
But Jeff’s thoughts were still on Tish. “Her lungs, are they fully functional on their own now after that scare we had?”
“Yes. I’ve removed the oxygen cup. She’s breathing on her own without distress. I’ve also ordered a reduction of her pain medication. Up till now, I knew she needed it. But it was also keeping her deep
in the coma. So now we’ll see if she’ll slowly come to.”
Jeff frowned. “But does that mean she’ll be experiencing pain without that medication?”
“Some, perhaps. Not like she would have before. Pain, as I’m sure you know, is sometimes necessary and even helpful. It tells us where and what we need to treat. We can’t tell that if she’s constantly heavily sedated.”
“I hate to have her suffer any more.”
“It will feel more uncomfortable for her than painful. And once she awakens and can talk to us, she can tell us about her pain and we can evaluate further. Don’t worry. We won’t let her lie there suffering.”
Jeff knew that and knew they were doing all they could. It’s just that he couldn’t help worrying. Yet he liked and respected this doctor. He held out his hand. “Thanks for answering all my questions, Doctor.”
“Anytime. They’ll page me if there’s a change.” He patted Jeff’s shoulder. “Get some rest. You look like you could use it and she’s not going anywhere.”
Dr. O’Neill hadn’t really told him anything, yet Jeff felt better as he watched the slight man leave ICU. He strolled over to where Doris was placing various medications into small paper cups on a tray.
“I’m going to grab a shower, Doris. I’ll be back shortly.”
“Take your time, Doctor. I’m here for her.”
He smiled wearily. “I know you are and thanks.”
Jeff looked in on Tish, but of course she hadn’t moved since he’d stepped out for Dr. O’Neill’s exam. Shoving open the double doors, he yawned expansively. It was odd, the way he felt. He was tired, yet had trouble sleeping. Maybe because he was afraid to dream.
In the doctor’s lounge, he opened the locker O’Neill had told him to use and pulled out his leather bag. Rummaging for clean clothes, his hand found his cell phone. He hadn’t taken it into the ICU because cell phones would interfere with the various medical machinery there. Now, he checked his messages and found three. He ignored the first two as inconsequential, but he needed to call back the third party.