Still another person raised his hand, eager to cast his cares onto the growing pile among us.
“I had anxiety about my performance, anxiety about pleasing my wife,” he said, beginning even before the moderator looked his way. “I started watching porn just to get some tips, but I couldn’t look away. I wanted to watch it all the time. It was so much more fulfilling than the relationship I had with my wife in the real world. I started ignoring her. I started ignoring everything. And then one day, my credit card bounced, my checks bounced, and I realized I’d thrown everything away on porn, spending everything I’d earned, the money my wife and I were saving, on a couple of people having sex in front of a camera and putting it online. I was sobering. I felt awful. I still feel awful. I promised my wife I was going to get through this, and I’m doing it for her.”
“I want to caution anyone against feeling like they’re participating in this program for someone else,” the moderator said. “This is only effective if you come at it from the perspective that you’re doing it for yourself. You have to want to get better because you want to take care of yourself. Not for your wife. Not for your husband. Not for your court order, even. You have to want to get better for yourself. That’s the only person you should be focusing on right now. It’s the only person you can focus on.”
The dark-haired man was looking at me. I could see him in the corner of my eye, turning his head and looking at me. I didn’t like it, realizing that, for the first time, I didn’t want anyone to look at me at all. It was a completely different version of me than the Meagan who’d worked at the bar in my hometown. That Meagan had wanted everyone to look at her, had bent down and pirouetted and stretched to ensure every eye in the establishment was locked on her. I’d wanted them all to see me, to see what I was offering, so that I could take from them something they thought they would be taking from me, if I let them.
I’d wanted that sex compulsively, just like the people who continued to retell snippets of their stories, but I hated the idea of being lumped in with them. I was already a victim of so many other areas of my life. Did my sex life have to suffer, too?
I imagined going home to Levi after tearfully pouring out my heart to strangers in a strange place, as one near the front of the hall was currently doing. I imagined telling him that I was, indeed, a sex addict. What then? We’d never have sex again. He would pity me and coddle me and maybe even let me continue to stay in his house, rent free. He’d stop having sex with me, of course, because it wasn’t healthy. It was an addiction. He wouldn’t want to enable me.
But he’d miss the sex. I knew he would. I’d miss the sex.
He’d go looking for it, and I would stay there at the townhouse, cloistered, unable to do a damn thing to relieve my tensions or distract myself from my anxieties and regrets, a virgin created anew.
Soon, he’d have a new interest in his life, a new woman who took him between her legs and was never messy or weird or troubling about it, making him come without concessions. Levi would love her and want to bring her home, and maybe I’d be his crazy woman locked away in the attic. He was trying to help me, sure, and he had to protect me from myself and from the world, so I’d become his prisoner.
I’d become his untouched, unloved prisoner, and I’d have to watch the man I…had developed strong feelings for get on with his life while I was cocooned in fear and uncertainty about my own, afraid of the desire that had guided me thus far.
The dark-haired guy was looking again. I gave him a pointed glare, and he glanced away quickly. What was his problem?
I hated it here, and this wasn’t going to be the place where I spilled my guts and somehow managed to get magically better on the spot. There wasn't a “better” from what ailed me. It was just a part of who I was now. And the only reason I was here was because of Levi, followed, of course, by the litany of signs that had led me to the advertisement for this meeting. I didn’t want to get better. I didn’t even know what “better” would entail. I was only here because someone else thought I had a problem. Whether I did or not wasn’t something I was ready to look at. I needed to go. I needed to get out of here.
The dark-haired guy who’d made eyes at me throughout the entire meeting watched me as I stood up and left, not trying to hide my disdain or be discreet. I wanted everyone to know that I thought this was a wad of bullshit. It wasn’t the place for me. It just wasn’t.
I exhaled into a long, vaporous cloud when I got outside, the cold air feeling good on my face. Everyone was different, I told myself. Everyone was different, and everyone had their own stories. It was okay that I didn’t fit in there, even if Levi had recommended that I give it a try. I had my own story, and I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet.
I’d done what Levi had asked me to do. Maybe now he’d believe that I was normal. Maybe he’d see that I had put forth the effort to do something he’d suggested and forget about it. We’d go back to our old ways, and that would become the new normal.
“I saw you in there.”
I turned to see the dark-haired guy had followed me out into the street.
“Yeah, I guess I was in there,” I said to him sarcastically.
“But you didn’t like it.”
“I have somewhere I need to be,” I lied. I didn’t know if I could go back to the townhouse, didn’t know if I could face Levi. I didn’t know what could be said or what needed to be said.
“Yeah, me too.” The guy’s tone was as insincere as mine was, and that old maw inside of me opened. I could get what I needed out of this guy. He could give me what I wanted.
Levi was having misgivings. I understood that. He couldn’t understand why I craved sex, what it displaced inside of me. If he knew what was inside of me, he’d never stop having sex with me. If he wanted to help me so badly, then he’d understand that his participation was required to drive my demons out of me. Instead, he’d recommended this place to me. He didn’t know what drove me to act the way that I did, and I didn’t think I’d ever be able to tell him. It wasn’t something I was interested in telling anyone.
What Levi didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.
He’d never so much as guess that I’d gone to a meeting for sex addicts and picked someone up just outside the hall. The sex would be quick, impersonal, scratching the itch. It wouldn’t hurt anyone. I could get it out of the way—maybe even set something up on the regular, just so Levi wouldn’t be so damn suspicious of my sexual motivation anymore. He’d even be proud of me—going to the meetings every day. It would just be my secret that I was meeting up with this dark-haired guy, or any guy, for sex. My appetite for Levi wouldn’t be quite as strong. He’d think the meetings were curing me, and I could embrace that normality for as long as it lasted—as long as nothing bad happened to me in the city as I sought out anonymous sex, and as long as Levi didn’t find out any of my secrets or this secret, second life I was about to embark on.
As long as…nothing. As long as nothing. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t pretend like I was going to do this.
I was angry that Levi had suggested this kind of meeting, had called me out on my problem, and had gotten so close to understanding me that I’d pulled away.
But I couldn’t be angry at him. He’d only wanted the best for me. He truly did want to help me. And if I hooked up right now, with this dark-haired guy, I’d feel good for a moment, but terrible for the rest of my stupid life.
I turned on my heel and walked briskly away from the guy, ignoring his shouts at my back, walking in the direction of the townhouse.
In the direction of home.
Chapter 11
Maybe I’d been able to resist it, but that awful maw was still open inside of me. I walked down the sidewalk and wrapped my arms around me in the growing chill. Typical—I hadn’t dressed warmly enough. The sweater I’d pulled on in my haste to flee from Levi was doing what it could against the winter night, but it would’ve been better served with a coat. And a scarf. And probably a pair of gloves a
nd hat, too.
When would I learn how to take care of myself?
The only thing I could think of right now was finding something to put in that maw. It gaped open, making me question everything. Could I really be addicted to sex, like those people in that room? I felt helpless in the face of the void inside of me, hopeless about being able to move past it. What had happened to me, the terrible thing to make it yawn open in the first place, wasn’t something that sitting around in a rented hall would solve. It didn’t feel like anything could solve it, except a time machine and a gun.
Since I had neither at my disposal, I had to cope, and I only had one way I knew how to cope.
I needed sex. I needed it immediately.
It was only because of Levi that I’d turned down the dark-haired guy from the meeting. Only because of how disappointed I thought he’d be in me. And how disappointed I’d be in myself for betraying Levi.
Maybe Levi and I didn’t have such a traditional relationship, but we had enough of something for me to know that I’d be ruining it by fucking someone else. It didn’t matter if the sex would be meaningless for me, just a way to scratch a very deep itch. It would mean something to Levi, and that was why I hadn’t done it.
Why I had to do it.
I hugged myself and trudged onward, trying to ignore the shapes of men who passed me, ready to grab one and drag him into a nearby alleyway, unbuttoning my pants, taking his cock in my hand, putting it inside, moving against it until I was more like myself again, able to be in control for a little while….
No. What was wrong with me? I shook my head free of that potent imagining and moved on, walking so fast that it eventually became more efficient to break out into a jog. My breath puffed out in front of me before sweeping past me as I dodged around people. This city was so full of them, so full of possibilities. I could be with any of them and no one would know—not like it was in my small town, when everyone knew I’d give it away for next to nothing. The stares I’d gotten back then were nothing. I welcomed them, liking the knowledge that everyone knew. It was fantastic advertising. I should’ve demanded a bigger paycheck from Mr. Trenton, who owned the bar, because I’d estimate a good half of the customers were only there to have sex with me, not drink his liquor. The very real rumors of my sexual appetite were their own viral campaign.
Here, I was anonymous. No one knew me. I could have anyone, take anything, and the only person who would know would be me. I could keep it from Levi. I could keep that secret. He wouldn’t have to know…but I would. He’d been so kind. He was only trying to help me, sending me, however inadvertently, to that meeting.
And how was I about to pay him back? With sex with some stranger I would take right on these cold streets, then going home to Levi with someone else’s seed inside of me?
I put my head down and jogged. I wished for everyone to become invisible—as invisible as I was in a crowd. No one knew me here…except for the threat Levi had mentioned.
Thinking about just what the threat could entail was actually a welcome distraction from my own flailing. That dark-haired guy from the meeting had seemed pretty interested in me, but I couldn’t remember having ever seen him before in my life. There probably wasn’t even a possibility of him being the threat.
Whatever it was, Levi was taking it seriously.
I entered the house, surprised that the butler hadn’t been there to yank the door open for me, always somehow aware that I was approaching the doorstep. There weren’t any good smells emanating from the kitchen, and I couldn't map what room the maids were currently working on by the echo of the sprayed air fresheners, the wisp of the broom against the floor.
I was afraid the townhouse was empty—maybe it had all been a dream, after all, and I’d been accidentally squatting in some vacant home, consumed with my delusion of escape, when I heard a sound behind me. I whirled around, frightened, to find Levi.
“Where is everyone?” I blurted out. My cheeks burned with my exertion, and I realized I was more hot than cold now. I shed my sweater right there and then, dropping it on the wood floor, standing in only a thin camisole, sweating.
“I let everyone go.”
“Let them go? Go where?” Next to come off were my sneakers and my jeans. My flesh was cold to the touch, but my long jog burned me from the inside out. I shook out my legs, trying to loosen the tight muscles, aware that I was shivering and panting at the same time.
Aware of the way Levi was looking at me, and liking it.
“I fired them,” he said. “Effective immediately.”
That gave me pause. “Why would you do something like that?” I demanded. “What happened?”
“You said you hadn’t been in contact with anyone outside of the house,” he said. “But the threat I’m investigating mentioned you by name. If you haven’t told anyone you’re living here with me, if there’s no one to tell, then it has to be someone close to you. My staff was here every day. They were the only ones who knew you besides me.”
“So you fired them.”
“That’s right.”
“Because of me.”
“Because of the threat.”
I shook my head. “No. Those people were devoted to you. They lost their jobs because of me.”
“Because I’m trying to keep you safe.”
I pressed my head between my hands as hard as I could. “You can’t keep me safe.”
“I can do whatever I think I can to keep you safe,” he argued. “Was there a member of my staff who I thought was the source of the threat? Probably not. But maybe they talked to someone outside of this house about your arrival. I have to eliminate every risk, every possibility until we can narrow it down. We can do without the maids and the chef for a while, can’t we? Did you get too used to them?”
“They’re people, Levi,” I exclaimed. “You can’t just fuck with their lives because of me. I don’t even believe in this threat. Who would threaten me? Who would actually want to do something to you? If it really was my brother who was targeted in the shooting, then whoever it was already got what they wanted. You don’t know. Maybe my brother was talking to someone. Maybe he was the one at fault.”
The maw was bigger than I was, and it was widening. I didn’t even know what I was saying anymore, didn’t know who or what I was trying to defend. I felt bad that four people had lost their jobs just because I’d started living here. And I felt bad that someone had mentioned me by name in threatening Levi. It just felt like everywhere I went, I spread badness. It was probably something rotten inside of me, vestiges of the poison that had happened to me. I probably secreted it in my bodily fluids, exhaled it, and it infected people.
I just needed relief from it. Release.
“Where did you even go?” Levi asked. “You can’t just storm out of here, into the city. New York isn’t like where you came from. It’s a lot bigger. A lot more dangerous.”
“Everywhere is dangerous,” I said distractedly, slipping out of my panties and my camisole. I was naked in front of him, watching carefully how I affected him. His nostrils flared like he sensed something he liked. He shifted his stance, trying to stem the flow of blood to his crotch, trying to hide his growing bulge.
“Where did you go, Meagan?” he asked, clearing his throat.
“I went for a walk.”
I crossed the foyer until I was standing just a matter of inches away from him. He wanted me, but he didn’t want to be wanting me in this moment. He wanted to talk about serious things, including my whereabouts, the ever-present threat to our safety, the nature of my appetites. It delighted me much more than it should’ve that he was imperfect, just like me.
Much more perfect than me, of course, but not without his flaws. Levi couldn’t ignore the ripe fruit dangled in front of him. Just like I couldn’t ignore the needs of that fucking maw inside of me. And it needed sex.
“You were gone all day,” Levi said. “I was worried. I was about to call the police.”
“Yo
u could’ve called my cell phone.”
“I didn’t think you would’ve answered.”
“I also went on a bus ride.”
“Oh?” He was fighting to keep his eyes locked with mine, fighting to keep them from drifting lower, to my still-heaving breasts. I could feel the heat radiating out from my body, and wondered if he could feel it, too.
“Yes.” I took my hair down from its rubber band and shook it out, feeling it cascade down my sweaty back. “I took it to a meeting.”
“Is that right?” I instantly regretted revealing that bit. Levi looked to shake himself free from some of the influence my nudity was wielding over him. “How was it? What did you think?”
“Not for me,” I said, my tone dismissive, lowering my eyes for a moment, biting my lip, flicking my hair, doing every trick I could think of to make him forget his sanctimony, to come back to me, to be normal again.
I needed my old normal. I had to have it. I was drowning.
“Well…I’m glad you went,” he tried, but he was losing again. I could feel it, and it made me smile wickedly. “I…would you like to talk about it? What you thought about it?”
“I’m pretty sick of talking, actually,” I said, using the very tips of my fingers to forge a trail down his chest, appreciating the softness of his shirt. “Been listening to people talking all afternoon. I’m done with it.”
“I really think we should talk, Meagan.”
“Later we can talk.” I flicked at one of the pearlized buttons on his shirt before slipping it out of its buttonhole.
JOSS: A Standalone Romance (Gray Wolf Security) Page 103