“Remember your graduation party?”
Kate nods, not knowing where the conversation is going.
“Rob actually wanted to attend your graduation party very much. You had, after all, hurdled five years of hell together and college was over. But he didn’t because he knew what you were planning. He said he saw it in your eyes when you asked him to attend.”
Kate stares at Tessa, remembering she had planned to tell Rob how she really felt for him during that party.
“He couldn’t let you do what you planned to do because whatever he did, he would hurt you. If he told you the truth and said he loved you, but he wasn’t ready to commit, you would have been hurt. If he got soft and agreed to commit, he would have made you as miserable as he thought I was with his father. If he lied and told you he didn’t feel the same way about you, you would be devastated. So he did the only thing he could think of. He hurt you just the same by showing you what a jerk he was—at least you kept your self-respect, and he didn’t have to hurt you more.”
“He loved me already back then?” Kate asks, unbelieving.
“Yes, he did, but he wasn’t ready to be tied down. You know Rob. He wanted to be free and able to do what he wanted to do at any time. He saw love and a relationship as a burden. Again, no thanks to the example of his parents.” Tessa smiles sadly.
“You have to understand, Rob was, is, and always will be a mother’s boy so he had always taken my side in any fight or argument, but when he became old enough to understand, he knew he was more his father’s son, and he knew he had it in him to hurt the girl he would love the way his father hurt me,” Tessa states.
Kate nods, trying to process everything she just heard.
“He once asked me why I never left his father. I looked at him like he was crazy. I just said one thing, ‘I love him, Rob.’ And that is the problem. I love his father. His father loves me. But we aren’t good for each other. We also cannot live without each other. For the longest time, Rob had promised himself he would never be like his father. He would never hurt the woman he loved.”
“So is that why he never really had a normal relationship with any girl or woman?” Kate asks, turning over the new information about Rob in her head.
“Yes, he always went for the type of women who would be distractions, with no danger of being in love with them. Except he made a big mistake with you. He should have stayed away. He knew it the first time he met you. You were different. But he thought as long as he kept the relationship at the friendship level, there was no danger of any of you getting hurt,” Tessa says.
Kate stays silent. All these years, she never really thought about why Rob was the way he was. Here was his mother now, trying to explain all his actions.
“So he tried to keep your relationship at the friendship level. But when you announced you were in a relationship with Anton, Rob couldn’t take it. He knew it would happen eventually, that you would be swept away by another man who would love you the way you wanted him to love you. But he didn’t like Anton for you. Who was he kidding, he wouldn’t like any guy who would be to you what Rob felt in his gut should be him. But he lay low and let you have your first relationship. And he remained your friend, waiting for it to deteriorate. But when it didn’t and even lasted four years, Rob knew there was a possibility he would lose you to Anton.”
“I so wanted those two to get along. But Rob never tried to befriend Anton, and Anton never tried to befriend Rob. Both men knew what the other was in my life,” Kate says. She remembers how everything ended and she wonders how much Rob’s mom knew.
Tessa smiles. “Do you know what Rob’s favorite day of the week is?”
Kate is surprised with the seemingly unrelated question and she tries to come up with an answer. “Friday, because it is the end of the work-week and it signals the coming weekend?”
Tessa laughed. “No, Thursday is his favorite day of the week. No matter what is happening in his life, whoever he is dating, and whatever he is doing, he always looked forward to Thursdays.”
“That’s our night. Our friendly date night. Usually Rob would drop by my apartment and we would hang out until the wee hours of the morning. It was a sacred night and even current boyfriends or girlfriends were not allowed to bother us. Anton was not pleased,” Kate smiles sadly.
“I could imagine. I heard Anton was supposed to propose to you the night you broke up?”
Kate nods.
“Has Rob apologized for what happened after?”
Kate looks up and tears well up in her eyes. “You know?”
“He came home distressed.”
“He never... we never talked about it ever,” Kate whispers.
“Once you started corporate life together, he always would go on and on about how you were blossoming, how you had grown into your sexiness, and how Anton was stupid to not have initiated sex with you. Rob was just being his arrogant self that he boasted he offered you his services to ease your sexual frustrations. You have to excuse Rob, he really feels he is God’s gift to women. Maybe because I spoiled him too much.”
“It was my fault too, Tita. I called him when I split up with Anton. He was the reason we split up, Rob doesn’t know this, but maybe he suspected. Anton was nice and all, but I never really fell out of love with Rob. So when I called Rob, I already knew what was going to happen if he did come to my apartment. And I asked for it,” Kate says, ashamed.
“Still, he should apologize. He took advantage of your vulnerability.”
“Water under the bridge, Tita.”
They feel the commotion in the café first before they saw the reason for the commotion. Kate and Tessa look around and see almost everyone focusing their attention on the man walking toward their table.
“And you wonder why he feels he is God’s gift to women?” Kate whispers to Tessa, marveling at all the females in the café following Rob’s every movement.
“I know, right? A beautiful blend of perfect genes, if I may say so myself,” Tessa boasts.
Kate laughs.
Rob locks eyes with Kate and she marvels again at how beautiful Rob is, and how lucky she should feel they are finally getting married.
Rob kisses her on the lips, and Kate is still not used to doing that in public, so she blushes.
“Oh Kate, are you blushing? Mama! Kate’s blushing because I kissed her in front of you!” Rob goes and gives his mom a sweet kiss on her cheek.
Tessa and Rob keep on teasing Kate, until she surrenders and admits it.
Kate stares at Rob, laughing and carefree.
“You’re ravishing,” he whispers. “Being engaged becomes you, Katie Kat. You’re looking more and more beautiful as the days go by.”
“Never as beautiful as you, Rob,” Kate jokes.
Tessa laughs. Kate smiles. Rob looks happy and content.
Tessa looks at Kate, and when Rob is not looking at her, mouths the word, ‘Finally.’
6
The List
Three years ago
Kate opened the door of her apartment late at night and saw Rob slumped down on her doorstep.
“Rob, what’s wrong?” Kate knelt down and touched Rob’s shoulders. She took one look at his face and his demeanor and she started panicking. She has never seen Rob this distraught and forlorn. His usually polished facade was gone. He looked terrible. He looked like he had been crying. And he smelled like a bar.
“I hate myself...,” he said, clearly drunk. Kate half-carried him into her apartment and set him down the living room couch.
“Don’t say that, Rob,” Kate said, as she helped Rob lie down.
“I do. I am a bad person. You should get away from me. I will only hurt you.”
Kate was silenced. She had never heard Rob talk this way before.
“I am not good for you, Kate, and you know it. You will never have a normal relationship with a guy unless I am out of the picture.”
Kate was trying to analyze where Rob was going. What he was saying
was true. Kate couldn’t have a normal relationship with any guy because of him. She had tried, but nothing lasted long enough and no one could accept Rob’s role in her life. However, this sudden gush of selflessness was so unlike Rob.
“Do you want me to get out of your life, Rob?”
Rob was silent. He stared at the ceiling. Kate sat at the foot of the couch and waited.
“What is all this, really?”
“I don’t know what I want, Kate. That’s the problem. I want you to be in my life. I can’t live without you. It’s true and deep inside, you know it. But I am not ready to be with you more than just the close friends that we are. I need other people, other women in my life. I can’t explain why. It’s like I don’t deserve to be the one for you, but I can’t let you go.”
Kate stayed quiet. On the one hand, she was silently elated Rob felt like that for her. On the other hand, he was basically saying, he doesn’t feel enough to commit.
“The thing is, I also can’t have a normal relationship with any girl because of you.”
Kate waited.
“They always want me to choose.”
“They? Or just one?” Kate said, her voice icy. They both knew who she was referring to.
“Kate, I... She... She is the closest thing to ‘love’ I could ever feel. She even made me think really long and hard about...”
“...giving me up,” Kate completed his statement, her fists clenched.
“Yes...”
Shit, thought Kate. This is it.
“So you’re giving me up and just wrapping it up in a package as if you are doing me a favor, giving me a chance to live a normal life, when it is you who needs me out of your life so you can be with your precious Miss Pinky?!”
Pinky was Rob’s flavor of the month, at least that’s what Kate thought, but apparently the spoiled Chinese beauty was so much more to Rob.
Kate was livid. She stood up from the couch and faced him.
“You are an asshole, Rob and I hate you.”
Rob suddenly sat up and stared at her.
“No, you don’t.” Rob had grabbed her hands in his.
“I do!” Kate said, the tears threatening to fall from her eyes.
“You don’t. You love me,” Rob said clearly, looking into her eyes. Kate’s tears fell in torrents. “And that’s why you’re miserable. I love you and I’m miserable.”
Kate closed her eyes. Now he tells me he loves me? And he’s willing to give me up? Damn.
“Then pick her. Pick Miss Pinky. Miss Perfect. Pick her and leave me the fuck alone!” Kate wrestled her hands out of Rob’s grip.
“I will survive without you.” Kate was on a roll. She just let out all her pent-up feelings and anger. “I’ve survived all these years being with you and being miserable! Maybe having you gone will be easier! Because I will be free!” Kate was screaming, bordering on the hysterical.
Rob grabbed both her hands again. He stood, slightly wobbly, but suddenly very tall.
“No,” Rob says seriously, looking at her intently.
“No?” Kate was incredulous.
“Because I can’t let you go. I pick you.”
“But...” Kate is confused. What the fuck is happening?
“But nothing... I pick you, Kate. I can’t have you gone from my life.”
“You pick me... but what am I to you, Rob?” Kate was suddenly hopeful.
“My best friend and soul mate whom I love,” Rob says, averting his eyes.
Kate felt defeated. She would never get what she wanted, what she needed from Rob. She was never going to be enough for him.
“Just go to her Rob,” Kate says with a sigh. “Pick her and leave me the fuck alone.”
“I won’t... I can’t.” Rob’s voice is suddenly desperate.
“You can. You will. I’m done!” Kate said this with a conviction she didn’t really feel.
“No, you’re not!”
Rob took her in his arms and kissed her hard and with an urgency he never displayed in the past. Kate pushed him away.
“Please, Rob, stop,” Kate pleaded, struggling to get away from him.
“No.” He kissed her again, pinning her against the wall. He then started to methodically remove her clothes. Kate tried to put up a fight, but Rob was relentless. She was wearing only a long thin T-shirt and underwear and these were easily removed by Rob, without breaking the kiss.
He kissed her and even if she didn’t want to, she felt herself responding.
“Rob, please...” Kate tried to push him away again, because she was feeling her traitorous body responding.
“Shut up, Kate. You know this is what you want,” Rob said gruffly. He removed his shirt.
Is this what I want? Is this what I deserve? Kate thought.
“No...,” Kate said.
“Yes, admit it, you want this,” Rob sneered. His hands cupped her breasts. “These babies are mine, all mine.” He bent down to lick and suck on her taut nipples. Kate moaned in response.
“You see? You are mine, wholly and completely. This is what you want. I am what you want,” Rob whispered hoarsely into her ear, as he started to unbutton his jeans.
Kate opened her eyes and looked at Rob’s face and suddenly everything went quiet in her head.
“No.”
“No?” Rob grabbed her arms and slams her anew on the wall. He pinned her with his body.
“No!” Kate tried to struggle free.
“Say it out loud, Kate. You want me. There’s no else you’ve ever wanted. Just me!”
“No!”
“Liar!”
Kate felt Rob trying to get the buttons of his pants all the way open and he was momentarily distracted. Kate got her arms free and she pushed Rob away.
“No! This is not what I want!” Kate screamed and punched Rob on the nose.
Rob recoiled in surprise and held on to his nose which had started to bleed.
“Damn it, Kate!”
“Leave me the hell alone, Rob!”
Rob looked at Kate with disbelief in his eyes. Kate looked back determined not to back down.
“You don’t get to treat me this way! You think you can control me? You think you can just do whatever you want with me? I’ve been such a sucker for you, Rob, and I let you get away with a lot of things. But this is taking it too far!”
She pushed Rob on the chest as she talked, and Rob stepped back.
“When I say no, I mean no. Are you so spoiled and entitled you can’t fucking believe anyone will ever say no to you? And it’s not just me. Anyone else, especially a woman. If she says no, have the decency to respect her that she means NO!”
Rob looked like he had been hit again, because he suddenly deflated, still holding his bleeding nose.
He hitched up his boxers and pants. He looked around and picked up his shirt, put it on, the blood from his nose staining the white cloth. He picked up the rest of his stuff and left, banging the door behind him.
Kate suddenly became weak and her emotions come flooding in. She started to sob uncontrollably, with the tears, and everything she had pent up all those years coming through in torrents.
She shuddered at the thought of what nearly happened because she knew if she didn’t stop Rob with that punch in the face, he would have continued with what he had started, not knowing he was more or less raping her in the process. A part of her would have let him. Thank God a part of her still knew how to think coherently.
Enough.
She has had enough.
And yet, she still couldn’t stop crying. She looked at her arms and realized she was already bruised. She also realized belatedly she was naked and her whole body felt raw and violated. After a while, she curled up in a ball on her couch, and continued to cry everything out.
Two weeks later
A few days after that unfortunate night, she heard Rob and Pinky were exclusively dating.
For two weeks, there was no communication between Kate and Rob.
Then...
Kate received an SMS message:
Kate.
Kate didn’t respond.
Kate. Please.
Kate was done. With Rob. With herself. With how she had lived her life focused on a guy who didn’t deserve her. She realized she had molded herself according to what she felt Rob needed and wanted, and yet, she was never enough.
She woke up.
Finally.
It was time for a change.
And change, she did.
That night, Kate sat down and wrote down what she needed to do with her life. She drew up a bucket list:
I will quit my corporate job.
I will write full time.
I will release at least one book every year.
I will cut my hair.
I will see the Opera House and Harbour Bridge in Sydney, Australia.
I will have a one-night-stand with a stranger in a foreign country.
I will have local coffee in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam.
I will take up photography.
I will climb the Great Wall of China in Beijing.
I will help other writers do what they love doing.
I will venture forth and eat authentic Indian food in India.
I will see the Petronas Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
I will walk along Orchard Road in Singapore.
I will get my happily ever after, on my own terms.
Kate had been frugal all her working life. She had a considerable nest egg she would be able to use to achieve her list.
So she went through her list and ticked each item off.
Number one, she quit her corporate job and the career she shared with Rob. Rob had loved his corporate finance career but she hated her financial/auditing job. She took up accounting in college because her parents assured her it was a lucrative career that would be able to open doors for her in other areas. They had been right. But even before she was in college, Kate knew what her passion was and it was writing. When she broached the topic with her parents, they didn’t understand what she wanted—was it a career in journalism (which it wasn’t), was it a career learning literature, which might end up with her teaching (although teaching had always appealed to her, and literature was something she enjoyed reading and writing, she also didn’t think it was where her passions lay)? When she couldn’t come up with a satisfactory answer, it was agreed that she sign up for an accountancy course.
Kate, Finally Page 7