* * *
One month later.
Pointless Statement has canceled their tour due to a personal family matter. They apologize for the inconvenience and would appreciate privacy during this time.
Music died for me the day she took her last breath. I didn’t know if I would ever sing again. It was unfair to the guys, but the music was gone. There was no reason to make it anymore.
I couldn't listen to the radio because it reminded me of her. Instead, I would sit in our music room, the one that Emilia insisted we build. She had transformed our sunroom; my old vinyl records along with some of her fathers were hung on the wall. She had the contractor install sound proof walls and doors so you could blast the music without interrupting anyone else. A Music Hall turntable sat along the wall and a massive suede couch sat across from it. The records were aligned in alphabetical order in custom–made record cases Emilia had ordered. Before she passed away, she would sit in there for hours and listen to an entire album before moving on to the next. That’s the thing with records; they were meant to be heard in their entirety. Her eyes would be closed, a large grin on her face as the music played. She looked so peaceful.
I would sit there after she died and stare at the wall, never having the courage to hit the play button. I didn’t want to know the last song she had listened too.
It’s funny how things work.
Emilia knew me better than I knew myself. She wouldn’t let me walk away. She found a way, even after she was gone, to remind me why I loved music so much.
One night as I sat in my room. Like most days I would sit in there until the sun came up. Sleeping through the night was impossible. That night though, I caught a glimpse of my guitar. It had been sitting in the corner for months. I remembered when I placed it there. I’d come home from the studio and found Emilia throwing up in the bathroom. I remembered that day like it was yesterday, her heaving and coughing had me rushing to her side. I dropped my case to the ground and ran to her. Her little body was hunched over the toilet as she gasped for air, the IP chemo making her violently sick.
That was the last day I’d touched my guitar.
It hadn’t moved since.
As I stared at it now, a memory flashed in my head. It was a memory from when Emilia and I first started dating. One little memory that caused so much pain.
I walked into my bedroom and was greeted by the sight of her sitting on my bed, my oversized T–shirt draped over her body. Her hair was damp from her shower, and wild curls spiraled down her chest. My guitar sat between her legs, her hand gripping the neck and the other strumming the cords. She looked so hot in my clothes while holding my guitar.
I had gone to the kitchen to grab a drink and when I returned she had a mischievous look on her face. Her lips were puckered and her eyebrows were high on her head.
“Do you play?” I walked towards her.
“I never really wanted to learn. My father started to teach me, but when everything happened with my mom, we pushed it aside.” She bit her lower lip in the most seductive way, her tongue sliding across her upper lip.
Crawling onto the bed, I knelt behind her. My hand brushed away her long red hair, exposing her neck. Goosebumps appeared on her skin as my lips met her shoulder, her neck, and the tip of her ear. “Do you want me to show you?”
Emilia gasped for air. “Not really,” she murmured.
“How about we play a game?” I kissed her neck and ran my nose along her skin smelling her tantalizing scent. “For every cord you get right, I'll give you a kiss.” I paused and gently bit her neck. “Anywhere you want.”
Emilia moaned and pushed her back to my chest. “Okay.”
My hand held her fingers. Pressing gently on the strings, I used her right hand to strum the guitar. I showed her each cord twice before I began to question her.
"A major,” I asked. Emilia pressed her three fingers to the string.
"That's one kiss.” She giggled.
"B major?"
Emilia laid her index finger over the guitar, and the remaining three fingers pressed on the strings. "That's two kisses."
"C major." Emilia giggled and pressed her fingers along the first three frets.
Shit. "I think I'm getting played."
Emilia looked back at me. A sly smile appeared on her face. "That's three, Mr. Carter, and if I remember correctly, it's anywhere I want.”
"E minor."
Emilia’s body shook with laughter and I knew she had tricked me. My hand gripped the side of her ribs and pressed my fingers to her skin. She squealed and threw her head back.
"I lied!" She continued to laugh. "I know all the cords, I’ve just never played a song." She placed the guitar on the floor and lay back on the bed. I shook my head, not believing how much I loved this girl.
"It's time to pay up." She held her hand up. "You owe me four kisses."
I moved between her legs. "Tell me where."
Emilia bit her lower lip. "This is going to be fun."
Shaking the memory from my head, I walked over to the guitar. I thought about tossing it over the balcony, but it was my grandfather’s guitar. My hand slid across the case before I opened it. My 1949 Gibson looked up at me. Pulling it out of the case for the first time in months, I heard something move inside the body. I shook it slightly and noticed something was sliding along the wood. I flipped the guitar, and a USB fell to the ground.
It was like the many USB’s Emilia had around the house. She had filled most of them with photos and copies of her infinite playlist. She had some that were videos she recorded of Lyra playing. But this one had my name written on it with a black sharpie.
Intrigued, I walked out of the bedroom and straight to the living room. The house was dark. Everyone had been asleep for hours. I turned on the TV and plugged in the USB. I expected pictures of us through the years. Maybe a list of songs she had dedicated to me. To my surprise, Emilia’s face appeared on the screen. I gasped, staring at her beautiful smile. She still had her hair when she recorded this. She still had color under her skin. She looked like my beautiful Emilia. My yellow gel.
Tears made my vision blurry, but I hit the play button on the remote.
Emilia inhaled and smiled. “Weston, my dear sweet loving Weston.” She closed her eyes and shook her head before looking back into the camera. “I can't even properly form the words to describe how much I love you.” Her hand balled in a fist over her chest. “If you're watching this video, I know that I'm no longer there with you, and I'm sorry.” She paused, her eyes filled with tears.
“I hope you found it in your guitar case. I wanted to leave this for you in there as a reminder to never stop playing.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “How long has it been since you’ve played music, West? You said I was your muse, but please don't let the fact that I’m no longer with you be the reason you give up on music. You have a gift and the world deserves to hear it.” Emilia paused and gave me a sideways grin.
It was the type of grin she did to mask the tears that were going to follow. “You always wrote me invisible love letters, so I wanted to leave something with you. I wanted to leave a part of me for you to have when things got hard. This video is my endless love letter to you because, as long as you need me, I will always be here on this screen letting you know how lucky I was to have met you. When the days are dark, and sleep doesn’t come, I’ll be right here to tell you that it’s okay to be sad but don’t let the sadness take away the light that lives inside of you. I’ll be right here when you want to talk about a song or work or Lyra.” She stopped talking and looked away from the screen.
“I promised myself I wasn't going to cry. That was a lie. You know what the first lie I ever said about you was? That I wouldn’t love you. I swore that I would never fall in love with you but even when I take my last breath I know that will be the biggest lie I have ever told. It was impossible not to be consumed in your love.” Emilia sat back on the chair for a second. Her gaze locked with the camera,
and I felt like she was right here with me. One side of her mouth grew into a grin, and she looked up so the tears wouldn’t drip from her eyes.
“You once told me that when I smile, it's as though the universe has given you a gift. You felt I could see into your soul and touch it. What I learned was that our souls have touched before and I'm sorry I didn't get to spend more time with you in this lifetime. I was young and scared and because of that I lost four years with you but, when we meet again, things will be different. We will get to do this over and live a long happy life together. I want you to know that I love you with every part of my soul. I will carry you with me where ever I go.
“I can never thank you enough for giving me Lyra. You two have made me feel whole and alive. And though I’m not going to see her grow up into a beautiful young woman, I know you will be by her side, and that’s all that matters. No one will love her as much as you will.” She swallowed, and her eyes glistened with new tears.
“Weston…I love you.” She placed her hand over her heart. “I’ll always be right here.” She nodded and closed her eyes. “Take care of our little princess, okay?” She looked up at the camera; her nose was red from crying. “Until we meet again, my love. I love you very much.”
It was the last thing she said before the camera shut off.
I sat on that couch for a few minutes staring at her frozen face on the screen. God I missed her. I set the video to play on repeat and lay my head on the couch. That night I slept for the first time since Emilia passed, her soothing voice playing in the background.
29
Emilia’s version of a letter was exactly what I’d needed.
Our love story, though short, was powerful.
It was pure and genuine.
I couldn't sit there and dwell on the fact that she was no longer with me. I needed to focus on Lyra because that's what was important to us. That was what she cared about the most.
The letter also made me turn the house upside down and inside out looking for any more videos. I plugged in every USB I found. She couldn't have left me just one. That was unfair. I deserved more than one goodbye letter. But for months, I couldn't find another even though I had thoroughly searched the house. The scavenger hunt forced me to clean up the house. It forced me to deal with things.
Leslie had gone back to her regular life in Chicago; my mother had stopped hovering. Everyone backed away because that letter had pulled me out of my funk. It forced me to go through all of her things and put them away. Without even knowing it Emilia was forcing me to heal and move on.
Cleaning out our closet was the hardest. Her scent, though faint, still lingered on her clothes. When I reached the back of her closet and found the yellow dress she wore when I brought her to meet my parents, my knees gave out. She was the first girl I’d ever brought home, and within minutes, she had won my family’s hearts. I gently folded the soft cotton material and added it to a pile. I put everything in bins, I couldn’t, wouldn’t, throw her things out. They would all be saved for Lyra and when she was old enough she would decide what to do with them. I wasn't forgetting about Emilia, I could never, but I was beginning to understand that I couldn't hold on to her physical things.
* * *
The band, as a whole, had decided that there wouldn’t be a tour for our second album that was dedicated to Emilia. SoCal thought I was insane for pulling away from the industry, but I didn’t want to be the face of the band. I wanted to continue creating music, but I had a different priority now. I focused on my relationship with Lyra, becoming more active in her life. Two months had passed, and my life had gone back to some kind of normal. Every day was a new adventure.
In late June, I asked my mother to go back home. If Lyra and I were going to make it on our own, we had to figure it out together.
I did everything for my little girl.
From summer camps, to American Girl tea parties, I gave her the world. She would come with me to the studio and sit next to me on the soundboard and learn which button did what. When Sally had us over for dinner Lyra would entertain Eddy and when he was down for a nap she would sit at the table and tell Axel about school. It had taken some time but we were both adjusting to the fact that our family was going to be just the two of us.
* * *
I found the second video Emilia had left for me in the strangest place possible. She knew me a lot better than I had given her credit for. I had searched the house inside and out looking for another video. I was convinced she had only left me the one and I was pissed. But when my hands held onto that USB I shook my head, looked up at the ceiling and smiled up at her. She had placed it in the last box of coffee in the cupboard. It was the one place I had not looked.
Emilia had laughed at me when I had bought twelve large boxes of the Keurig cup coffee when she first started chemo. She joked how no one would be able to finish six hundred cups of coffee in four months. I wanted to stay awake if she needed me. I’d figured the nights would be long, and I wanted to be by her side.
I remember the conversation we had so vividly in my mind. It was the first time she had laughed that week.
I arrived home from the grocery store with bags filled with coffee. “What are you going to do with all that coffee?” She asked, while I began to place each box on top of the counter. She had sat at the kitchen table her hands hugged a mug filled with tea, though she couldn’t live without her coffee the tea helped calm her nerves and nausea. “I never imagined that you would open up a coffee shop but I can see it now.” She moved her hand in the air as if she was looking at a marquee. “Coffee shop owner by day, Rock Star by night. You fit that whole Emo—I'm kind of lost in the world—look.
I chuckled and walked over to her. Brushing her hair off of her face, I gave her a soft kiss on her lips.
I held the USB in my hand. My eyes still couldn't believe what I was seeing. She had left me another love letter.
“Daddy,” Lyra called out for me.
I put the USB in my pocket and finished getting her breakfast ready before I had to take her to camp. I couldn’t watch it in front of Lyra, but waiting seemed like a lifetime away. Once I’d kissed Lyra goodbye, I walked back to my car and pulled out my laptop.
Her lips were puckered together, frozen on my screen. I hit the play button, and her voice greeted me. “Hi.” She smiled and bit her lower lip. Unlike the last video, she looked tired in this one. Her skin wasn’t glowing, and it looked like she had lost a lot of weight. My heart ached realizing how fragile she’d looked when she died.
“I guess you finally finished all that coffee you bought.” She paused for a second her eyes looked deep into the camera. She was sitting on our bed, her hair fanned out on the white pillow.
“How are you, Weston? I hope some time has passed and things are getting easier.” She inhaled and slowly exhaled. “I say hope because honestly, I have no clue what it must be like for you. I realize that I’m making these videos and I’m not even sure you’re watching them. Nonetheless, I need to believe that I know you well enough. I figured you would eventually move the guitar and find the first video. I know you’ll touch that before you finish all that coffee you thought would be a good idea to buy in bulk.” She giggled and then her face grew into a sad smile.
“I know this can’t be easy for you because it’s not easy to make these videos. It’s like I’m waiting for the day I don’t wake up, and it’s really hard to think like that. What keeps me going is that I know one day you’ll be okay, so you have to promise me that after I’m gone you’re going to be okay.” Emilia sat up on the bed.
“Weston, I want to remind you what a wonderful man you are. I wanted to tell you that you’re a phenomenal father and Lyra is lucky to have you. I love you, Weston. I will always love you and remember that I will always live within you. I also wanted to leave you with one last bit of advice.” She gnawed on her lower lip.
“It was the best advice the nurse gave me when I had Lyra. The days are long, but the year is
fast. Enjoy her, enjoy your life and enjoy the little things together. Don’t forget to schedule all of her appointments, dentist, doctors and flu shot. Read to her every night so her imagination continues to grow and always sing to her.”
Emilia’s eyes widened. “Oh!” She beamed into the camera. “Don’t forget to change the batteries in the fire alarms and carbon monoxide detectors.” She shrugged and smiled. “I don’t know if you changed those lately. I love you, my love. Till I see you again.” She blew me a kiss and the video stopped.
I sat in the car for a few minutes and stared at her puckered lips. The days were long, but time was moving fast. This video didn’t hurt as much as I’d anticipated. Instead, it gave me the reassurance that I was doing the right things for Lyra.
30
Enjoy the small moments.
Late August, I took Lyra camping in Yosemite park before she started first grade. We spent a whole week hiking, fishing and meeting new people. We both learned a lot on that trip, but Lyra’s favorite moment was when her rock skipped three times on the lake.
Enjoy the little moments, together.
And for a week that was exactly what we did.
In early September, Lyra was packed and ready for her first day of grade one. Keeping with tradition, I made her breakfast, brought her to school and, when I picked her up again, we stopped at Max’s for dinner.
I had not been to Max’s in months. It was a place I couldn’t step inside. It had been my place with Emilia, and I knew going there would open up old wounds that were still trying to heal. When Leslie had been here, she taken Lyra to Max’s a bunch of times, so had Jeremy when he asked to spend the day with Lyra. But I had not stepped inside of Max’s in a very long time. Lyra held my hand as we walked inside the restaurant, her mouth moved a mile a minute as she told me about her first day of school.
Endless Love Letter (Love Letter Duet Book 2) Page 19