“Who does that sound like?” I said pointedly.
Claire cocked her head to the side. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m talking about you, my friend. Ethan treats you the same way Garrett treats your mom. You hate how your mom is treated and yet you put up with how your boyfriend treats you. Are you afraid of not having a relationship? By the way, when exactly did you stop loving yourself?”
She was shocked, but able to quickly respond with, “When exactly did you ransack your mom’s library? What’s up with that?”
I violently shook my head in disagreement. “No way. I am nothing like my mom.”
“Oh, my dear friend, but you are like your mom and that isn’t a bad thing. You’re both kind and considerate of others. She just throws that professional edge to everything. I have to tell you something, and you won’t like this, but she’s actually a great counselor.”
“And you would know that because…” I waited for her to complete the sentence.
“Because I spent time in her office last week and honestly, she was really helpful. She was compassionate and understanding, I mean, she was everything I have envisioned a school counselor should be. She’s way better than Mr. Cavanaugh. She actually listened to what I was saying instead of handing me a pamphlet and sending me back to class.”
I assumed Mr. Cavanaugh was last year’s school counselor.
“Huh. I’ve absolutely, never, ever, considered my mom helpful, compassionate, considerate, kind…shall I go on?” I lied. I knew she was but I had to keep up the pretense.
Claire offered a weak laugh, “Well, maybe you should.”
“Not today, sister. This isn’t the day I bond with mommy dearest. Enough of that talk anyway. I want to know more about what’s going on with you. What can I do to make you happy?”
Claire gave me an appreciative look as she swiped at one final tear on her cheek. “I’m fine. I’ll get over it.” She offered a strangled smile.
“Please. Let’s get back to what happened with your mom and Garrett.” I gently tugged her by the hand to sit on my bed. I can’t seem to let go of her hand.
She snorted in disgust at the mention of his name and the reflection of what had happened.
“Garrett asked me to leave because I didn’t unload the dishwasher. Can you believe that? I just forgot but he couldn’t let it go. He went postal. I said I was sorry but it wasn’t good enough for him. He said he was sick of me being so…so…useless.”
I was suddenly really angry for Claire because I knew with certainty that she did most of the cooking and cleaning in her house while her mom and Garrett hit the bars like they were in their twenties. She dabbed at the new tears erupting to the surface.
“I’m sorry. What did your mom say to Garrett when he told you to leave?” I asked.
She sniffed. “When he told me to leave, she just sat there. She didn’t say anything. Her eyes were glazed over like she had drunk the Garrett juice. He has totally brainwashed her.”
“So you just got up and left?”
“No, well, I called Ethan and asked if I could go to his house and he flat out told me it wasn’t a good time for him, and that was after I explained why I was crying. I didn’t want to feel stupid showing up at your house so early.”
“I don’t care if you’re early! Ethan and Garrett are assholes. I just don’t understand what you see in Ethan. Yeah, he’s totally hot, but he has zero respect for you.”
She let out a heavy sigh and I think it finally hit her that I was right. Ethan was a creepy guy who would one day be just a faded memory. But Claire was the type of girl who was committed and for some reason she wanted their relationship to work. Maybe she just didn’t like being alone or had convinced herself he loved her. Maybe I didn’t really know her because she said she wanted to leave Blue River which, meant leaving Ethan. I had to believe she would break up with him when it came time to leave this tiny town.
I offered an idea to get her mind off of her situation. “Hey, let’s go to Cooper’s beach. I’ve never seen Aspens change color.”
It took a while, but Claire finally agreed. As we drove away in Rover, she began to feel better. I pulled out all my best jokes, poking fun at Montana. By the time we reached The Beach she was laughing and I found myself amazed at the beauty of autumn by the river. Aspen trees were bursting with shades of gold and orange. All the other trees were changing as well, adding to the beauty. It was a fall festival of color that I absolutely had to capture to add to my photo album. I began my photo session, at times placing Claire in the pictures.
“I know you’ll be with me at college, but I need pictures of you, too,” I insisted.
She obliged, acting like she was a Vogue model walking the catwalk, sucking in her cheeks to look gaunt until we burst into laughter. We made a pile of leaves and jumped in them, which must have looked silly since we weren’t able to make a very large pile and we weren’t little girls anymore. We laid back and joked that we were making leaf angels. We pretty much talked about anything but what was hurting her heart.
********
As an off-key, “Happy birthday, dear Addy” was being sung, I heard the doorbell ring. Moments later, with uncertain steps, Jack entered the dining room. My mouth fell open. I hadn’t invited him to my celebration, but as he stood before me, I knew I had wanted him there all along. Seeing Jack made my skin prickle and I realized I had been acting stupid and immature and owed him a massive apology. Today, I became an adult and it was time to start acting like one.
“Um, hey, Addy. Happy birthday.” Dead silence filled the room. You would have thought he had just interrupted a wedding ceremony in mid-vows.
“Can we talk?” asked Jack.
I shrugged as though I was indifferent to his request but really, I wanted to run to him and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.
What I managed to say instead was, “Yeah, sure.”
We walked outside into the crisp air. The full moon cast an unusually bright light upon Jack’s face, enabling me to see him clearly, for which I was grateful. I missed his beautiful face but most of all, I missed him. Jack broke the silence first.
“I hate that things are awkward between us. Can we please just…have a truce…again?”
I really wanted to make this hard on him, but the way the moon was shining not only reflected his perfectly wonderful face, it reflected how truly good he was. Seeing his deep brown eyes made it hard to be difficult.
I conceded. “I’m not mad, Jack. Why would you think I’m mad?”
In a way, I knew I had just lied. I was mad that we had argued about something as stupid as homecoming. I was mad that we were playing games with each other’s emotions and mostly, I was mad at myself for being so stubborn. Jack was the most amazing person I would ever meet and I would let him slip right through my fingers.
He tipped his head and raised one eyebrow, “Seriously?”
I knew his tone was that of complete disbelief so I started to laugh, even though I knew I sounded ridiculous.
“I know that I’m sorry about homecoming, but I just don’t know what I’m thinking or feeling anymore when it comes to you,” I said.
His eyebrows shot up. “Well, Miss Addy, you just gave me hope.”
Surprised, I asked, “How did I give you hope?”
“By saying feeling anymore…because at least now I know you feel something for me. I just need to be patient and help you turn those feelings into a real relationship.”
I pulled a somewhat pitiful expression. “Jack, it’s hopeless. We can’t be a couple. I’m leaving, and by today’s count, I’m leaving in like, ten months. Besides, we do have a relationship. We’re friends, right?”
He turned away from me, but when I placed my hand on his shoulder, he turned back around to face me and even though he made me melt, I continued with my lame explanation. “Listen, I’m done lying and denying. I like you, Jack. I like you…a lot, but this…you and I…” I po
inted back and forth between us, “can’t be more than a friendship.”
“I disagree.”
“Too bad because I’m right. Someday you’ll thank me.”
Jack forced a smile and didn’t say another word. We simply turned and walked in silence back to the house. Just when I thought he was giving me the last word, he stopped walking.
“Wait,” he said.
“Wait? Why?”
“I need to tell you something.”
We turned to face one another. He put his hands on my hips and pulled me close to him and I didn’t resist, not even for a second.
“Addy, I’ll let it go and I’ll settle for friendship, but you need to know that I feel more than that for you.” He leaned in a little closer to me and ever so softly said, “I feel much, much more than friendship.”
We were standing so close to one another our lips easily could have kissed. A passionate birthday kiss from Jack would have been nice, really nice. My heart began to race and just at that moment, he released me. He smiled as he slowly let go, seemingly very pleased with himself. My mouth felt like it was suspended in mid-air, waiting for a kiss that wasn’t going to happen. I must have looked pathetic as I blushed and looked away.
“Happy birthday, Addy.” As he stepped back he handed me a small, pink velvet box.
Tentative and uncertain seemed to be tonight’s theme, which was exactly how I opened the box, in which I found unique and beautiful opal earrings.
“My birthstone! They’re beautiful. Thanks, Jack. You shouldn’t have!” I exclaimed.
“Of course I should have. You’re my friend, right?” He was sincere, yet there was an edge to his voice but I dismissed it. Why argue? It’s my birthday.
I gave a lopsided smile and replied, “Yeah, we’re friends, Jack. I have a feeling we’ll be life-long friends.”
He leaned in for a hug, seemingly uncertain how I would respond, but of course I hugged him back. I was dying to be in his arms. While we were embracing, he apologized for not being able to stay for cake and ice cream, saying he had made a prior commitment to do something for his dad. Typical Jack—he’s always doing something for someone other than himself.
He started to leave then stopped to ask, “Can I take you somewhere tomorrow?”
I smiled and didn’t ask for more details. He had yet to disappoint me and the gentle tug in my heart said he would always be that someone I never forgot. “Sure,” I answered.
He let me know what time I should be ready and that I should wear hiking boots, which was the one pair of shoes I didn’t own.
When I returned to my birthday party, I found everyone patiently awaiting my return to the table. Claire was rolling her eyes at Aaron, who I assumed had just made a stupid joke that fell short of being funny.
“Jack can’t stay?” asked Dad.
“Uh, no he said he couldn’t stay. He’s doing something for his dad.”
“Oh, well, that’s too bad. I’m sure he would have enjoyed dismantling your cake,” said Dad.
“I actually didn’t expect to see him today so it’s okay. I thought he was off hunting or something lame like that.” I shot a glance in Claire’s direction, hoping her expression would reveal a clue, but it didn’t. She looked just as surprised as I was that he was in town.
“Well, are we ready for cake?” asked Dad. His smile was impish, like he had a special secret he simply couldn’t keep to himself any longer. He could hardly contain himself as Mom left for the kitchen to retrieve my cake.
The group didn’t bother to wait for my response and the off-key singing began again. Mom stepped slowly from the kitchen holding an enormous cake shaped like a castle. It was pink with cornflower blue spire rooftops. The door was an archway of chocolate, with tiny marks that made it look like actual wood. True to my love of California and Disneyland, it very much resembled Sleeping Beauty’s Castle. I knew it had to be my dad’s idea, which was confirmed when he put his arm around my shoulder and said, “You may be eighteen, but you’ll always be Daddy’s little princess.”
What Dad said to me made Mom and Claire smile while Aaron snorted and rolled his eyes, but in the end, a smile stole his lips. I couldn’t help the tears that welled in my eyes and the lump that formed in my throat. I made my wish and blew out eighteen candles and just like every other thought that had dominated my mind over the last several months, my wish was about Jack.
18. The Falls
“Are those what you call hiking boots?” asked Jack.
Amazingly, it was the first thing Jack said when he saw me. He didn’t say, “Good morning,” or “How are you?” or “How does it feel to be eighteen?” He simply asked, “Are those what you call hiking boots?” I shook my head and laughed. Ironically, that actually amused me.
“Hey, respect your elders and yes, they’re all I have. They’re running shoes.” I replied. “Sorry.”
“I thought fancy girls like you owned every possible pair of shoes.”
“I know, right? But sadly, no, I don’t own hiking boots. These will have to do. Does it help you to know they were expensive?”
“No, that doesn’t help. I’ll have to scale back my hiking plans. I guess they’ll do. By the way, my birthday isn’t far behind yours so I wouldn’t say you’re my elder. Besides, I’m more mature and that counts for something.”
I jokingly scoffed but in all reality, I knew Jack really was more mature. I wanted to respond with a clever quip, but made the mistake of looking into his face; I flushed and stammered. I hated what he did to me without him knowing he did it.
“Yeah, well, I—you—I am,” I lost my resolve and gave up, “Yeah, I got nothin’. You win.”
“Whoa! I win? I never win!” He smiled in satisfaction. “What’s up with that?” he asked rhetorically.
Our entire conversation was all in fun and we both burst into laughter. I loved our witty banter and today, he was at the top of his game. Then again, it usually was a challenge to get one over on him. I think besides his glorious face, his gorgeous, thoughtful eyes, his humor was my favorite thing about him. I’m so glad that awkward feeling is gone.
We climbed in his Jeep and as usual, he didn’t fill me in on the day’s plan. At least this time, he didn’t bring a blindfold.
“So, what did you get for your birthday?” asked Jack.
“Aaron gave me the new Imagine Dragons CD, my parents gave me a new lens for my camera and Claire coordinated with my parents and gave me a book about photography.”
“Awesome.”
“Oh, and of course, I got these,” I pointed to my ears, which were adorned with the opal earrings. “They’re so beautiful, Jack. Seriously. They’re so unique, too. I can’t imagine where you found them.”
He smiled, making a quick glance in my direction. “I’m glad you like them.”
I knew he was truly happy I had responded so favorably to his gift. How could I not? They were beautiful and they were from Jack and I knew I would keep them forever as a way to remember him.
We rode in silence for a while—each a little lost in our own thought—until Jack broke it by saying, “I think you’re going to like hiking today.”
“Really? Why is that?”
“Just a hunch.”
“Well then, I can’t wait. I’m ready for whatever awaits me,” I declared as I held up my camera.
In all honestly, I really was curious about Jack’s plans. His words definitely piqued my interest. I knew it involved hiking and not being a very athletic person, I was a bit nervous about that part. I couldn’t help but wonder if he had something else up his sleeve.
We passed a sign that read Acker’s Canyon. Thirty minutes later we arrived at a parking lot. Jack began to unload two backpacks that contained water and some form of trail mix. I resisted making a face. I hate hippy food. I tied a jacket at my waist and shrugged a backpack on to my body.
“I’m not going to last long,” I grumbled.
“Sure you will…a tough girl like you?
”
“What makes you think I’m tough? And why are you trying to torture me? I may be thin, but I’m not toned in the least. There is no muscle on this body, my friend. No muscle. Athletic and Addy never come in the same sentence.” I laughed at my admission.
“You’ll be fine.” He patted the backpack on my back. “I really want to share this with you. I know how much you love taking pictures and trust me, this will not disappoint you.”
“Okay, but when you’re carrying me back down this mountain, you’ll regret how far you pushed me.”
His eyes danced with delight. Whether it was the idea of carrying me or the fact that he would see me give up, I couldn’t be sure; either way, he seemed pleased with himself.
My Blue River Page 17