My Blue River

by Leslie Trammell

  ********

  Jack’s Journal

  Saturday, August 20

  Worst Day of My life

  Addy left for college today. I wonder if I should let her know she’s been gone 1 hour, 8 minutes, and 4 seconds and I’m already a mess. I knew this would be painful. She’s been worth every ounce of pain she’s caused me…ha ha… It’s a good pain. I hope I have been worth every tear she has cried because of me.

  I thought I was a tough man. I thought I would be able to handle this but I’m not handling this well at all. I watched her leave from our house as she drove away today. I feel horrible that I lied to her about working for my dad, but the thought of watching her fly away made me want to vomit. There was no way I was going to that airport plus I didn’t want to be embarrassed by crying in front of her family. As I watched her leave, each passing mile felt like a hot dagger in my heart.

  I know that each path I’ve taken in life, each choice I’ve made has taken me on a journey to a life with her. It’s hard to understand how we are now 1,300 miles apart. This sucks.

  27. College Daze

  The excitement of my life’s next great adventure wasn’t at all what I had imagined. I was supposed to be in a happy college daze right now, but I wasn’t.

  I fought back tears the entire flight from Montana to California, allowing only a few to find their way down my cheeks. When I tried to listen to Jack’s CD of his original songs that were all written for me, I fell to pieces even more. The moment I heard his voice singing to me, I had to turn it off. It was too much to take and at one point, I became so emotional the flight attendant asked me if I was okay or if I needed medical assistance. No, I’m not okay. I told her I was fine but in no way was I fine.

  There was far too much time on the airplane to run through my emotions. At times I was angry at others I was sad. I must have looked like a mad woman as I muttered to myself. All I had wanted—all I had talked about for over a year was leaving Montana. My day had come and now I was sad, lonely and already missing Jack. I even began to question how this relationship was going to work if I already felt this miserable. I kept wondering how he felt. Did he miss me already? Was he experiencing literal physical pain? Leaving him last night was unbearable. I scolded myself—I told you not to fall for him, Addy. This is all my fault!

  When I saw Sheridan and her parents at the airport, I quickly swiped at the final tears. It was time to suck it up. Sheridan recognized that I was a hot mess but she ignored it. Claire would have never ignored how sad I looked, I thought. Why am I still friends with this person? Her parents took us to the campus but only stayed briefly. Her dad joked that we were probably anxious to find a party or two. Boy, did that man know his daughter. They said their goodbyes and left us to unpack, settling into what we would now call home.

  I was thankful that my dad had arranged to have my boxes shipped to California and delivered to my dorm room, which was a typical college room with two single beds, two desks, two dressers with mirrors, and one large window. We each claimed our furniture and began to unpack. We made idle chit-chat while we made our beds. I was still harboring some angst from the ski trip incident. Obviously, we had spoken since that trip, but we had never discussed that particular moment of her visit. Realistically, we probably should have cleared the air before seeing each other again but we hadn’t.

  We unpacked our clothes and put away our makeup, leaving our final act to set up our laptop computers. Sheridan suggested we go to orientation and find a frat party, which caused me to feel another pang of angst. It was an uncomfortable idea, not to mention it was only three o’clock in the afternoon.

  “Just a minute. I need to call Jack,” I insisted.

  Sheridan let out a huff. “Oh, please. Is this how it’s going to be all the time? I need to call Jack,” she mimicked a voice that sounded nothing like me.

  “Yeah, it is. You do realize we didn’t break up, right?”

  “Yeah, well, you should have. You’re never going to have any fun if you have a boyfriend,” she sneered.

  “I’m not here to have fun. I’m here to get a degree.”

  Sheridan walked over and threw her arm around my shoulders. “But having fun at college is mandatory. Everybody spends their first year partying.” Her tone was patronizing and I recoiled from her fake affection.

  “Well, not me, but I’ll go with you…relax…I just need to call Jack first.” I gently removed her arm from around my shoulders and dialed the home of the Cooper family. I heard her let out an over-exaggerated sigh as she walked away.

  I listened to the ring until I heard Sharon’s voice answering and replying, “Sorry, sweetie. Jack’s not here. I’ll let him know you called.”

  My heart sunk. I really needed to hear his voice and tell him I missed him already. He needs a cell phone so I could reach him whenever I want, even if it’s just to hear him on voicemail! I didn’t want Sheridan to chastise me so I forced myself to sound upbeat as I spoke to Sharon. She asked a few questions about my trip, my dorm, my roommate, which I answered, but then I was reminded by Sheridan clicking her nails on her dresser that she was impatiently waiting for my attention. I turned around to find she had folded her arms across her chest and pursed her lips in irritation. I told Sharon as quickly and as politely as I could that I needed to get to the orientation.

  I told Sheridan, “He’s not there. I’ll try him later.” I acted like it was no big deal when in all reality, it was killing me.

  “Good…I mean…not good that he’s not there, but good that we can go now,” she lied. I knew she was lying because her lips were moving. She was glad he wasn’t available to me right now. Why had I wanted to share a room with her? Sheridan wasn’t any good for me or to me. I was beginning to see that now—but it was too late. We now shared a great deal of personal space for the next nine months.

  “Why don’t you go on ahead? I’ll catch up with you,” I offered.

  “Meet you where?” She snapped in disgust. She was already mad at me so this suggestion just added fuel to the fire.

  “Down at the freshman orientation table.”

  Sheridan rolled her eyes. She was clearly irritated with my lack of enthusiasm but also anxious to leave so she begrudgingly agreed. “Fine.”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be right down. I just need to call my parents first and I know you don’t want to be bored with that conversation. Seriously, I’ll be right there.”

  She looked at me suspiciously but agreed to meet me in fifteen minutes. She snatched her purse from her bed and flew out the door, shooting me one last warning look. She thought I would be waiting for Jack to call and although I hoped he would call while I was still in the room, I had something else I needed to do.

  I remembered the gift Aaron had given me at the airport. During my flight I kept pulling it out of my carry-on bag, but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to unwrap it. I wasn’t sure why, but right now seemed like the right moment. I got misty-eyed just thinking of how considerate it was that my little brother even thought to give me a gift—gag gift or not—and if it turned out to be sentimental, the tears would really begin to flow.

  I took a seat on my bed and slowly pulled the sparkly, purple paper from the gift. I gulped. It was a sketch pad. I opened the cover and sure enough, the tears fell. I was looking straight into Jack’s eyes. I flipped through page after page, finding various drawings of Jack. Aaron had captured every single aspect of Jack’s expressions and personality. Every single moment I had hoped he could capture through art, he had done so. A sob escaped me. I placed the sketch pad to my side and put my face in my hands. How could I have left Jack? I loved him so completely and I loved how he loved me. He was the best part of my life, and I left him. Now he was so far away we may as well have been living on two completely different planets.

  I looked up and wiped my tears away. I picked up the sketch pad and continued to look at each masterpiece Aaron had created. I then thought of how touching it was that Aaron had dr
awn all of these pictures for me and the tears flowed again. He must have started working on these drawings after we had our tender moment on the lawn last autumn. He fibbed when he said he’d forgotten but he knew I’d forgive him.

  The phone rang and my heart leaped. I jumped off the bed, grabbed my cell, and answered, “Hello?”

  “Hey, princess, you didn’t call,” said Dad.

  I tried not to sound disappointed. “Sorry, Dad. Got caught up in unpacking.”

  “I figured, but your mother is pacing back and forth.”

  “Tell her I’m sorry. Hey, you haven’t seen Jack have you?”

  I could tell my dad smiled at my question. “Miss him already?”

  “Yep.” I bluntly replied.

  “You can always come home.”

  “Nope.”

  “Addy…”

  “Dad, please don’t. This is hard enough.”

  “I understand.” He reluctantly let the subject go. “If I see him, I’ll tell him to call you. You realize he’s not going to work for me anymore, right?”

  “Yeah, I know. He’s trying to figure out his life’s plan while he farms and does handy-man work for hot Brooke’s dad.” I visibly winced as I visualized her watching Jack work at her family’s farm.

  “For who? I think you cut out,” said Dad.

  “Never mind. Just a family we know.”

  “Oh, well, I’m glad he found work.”

  “Oh, yeah, he found work alright.” I sprinkled my words with a touch of irritation topped with sarcasm. I wanted his life’s plan to include California and me and it didn’t. Not only did it bug me, the more I thought about it, I became downright pissed off.

  Dad tried to change the subject but I opted to finish our conversation, telling him Sheridan was impatiently waiting. I ended the call and quickly changed my phone’s ring tones so that I would know when I needed to race to the phone and when I didn’t. I then glanced in the mirror. I look horrible. I need a quick makeup fix or Sheridan will know I’ve been crying. Why I cared what she thought was beyond me, but I did. I always had and if I didn’t show up soon, she would send the campus police to come confiscate my phone. I placed the sketch pad under my mattress, smiled at the thought of how Jack would be in bed with me each night.

  By the time I reached Sheridan at the freshman orientation table, she looked more irritated than when she had left our dorm room.

  “It’s about damn time, Addy. It’s been like, twenty minutes,” she snapped.

  “Sorry. My dad called.”

  “It’s a cell phone. You can walk and talk at the same time. You do know that, right?”

  “Very funny. Relax. You have all night to party.”

  She corrected me. “No, WE have all night to party. WE, girlfriend.”

  We worked our way through the orientation activities until much to Sheridan’s delight, we found some fraternity tables. She flaunted her body and flirted like a pro, after all, she’s been doing this for years. I stood off to the side watching her work her magic while at times rolling my eyes in disgust. I had to admit that at some points, I was actually amused by her actions. I was checking the time on my cell phone, hoping it would ring when I heard, “Is she your roommate?”

  I looked up to meet the gaze of an attractive guy wearing a blue, Kappa Beta Sigma t-shirt. His hair was brown and he was clean cut, with bangs meeting his eyes and sweeping across his forehead. His eyes were brown, just like Jack’s, but they didn’t have the depth and thoughtfulness Jack’s did. I tucked my phone into my back pocket and replied, “Uh, yeah. We’ve known each other a long time. Seemed like a good idea at the time.” I laughed nervously, feeling embarrassed of Sheridan’s actions. It seemed appropriate to defend my decision to room with her.

  He laughed as he extended his hand to me, “I’m Branson.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “Branson? Like the city in Missouri?”

  “Yeah, that’s my name. What’s yours?”

  “Adelaide. You can call me Addy.”

  He laughed. “Adelaide? Like the city in Australia?”

  “Just like.” We both laughed at the irony.

  “It must be destiny. We’re both named for cities.” He was charming, but he didn’t do much for me since my heart was full of Jack.

  He tried to continue to hold my hand long after what an appropriate handshake should feel like. He even took a step closer, but I pulled back my hand and took one step back. Part of me wanted to blurt out that I had a boyfriend. The other part of me said to calm down. Addy, he’s only slightly flirtatious and it doesn’t mean he’s actually into you.

  “So are you and your roommate coming to our first fraternity party?” asked Branson.

  “Oh, I don’t know. I’m not much for parties and I don’t really drink.” I wrinkled my nose like it was a revolting idea.

  “Well, you don’t need to drink to have fun so if you change your mind, it’s tonight at the Kappa Beta Sigma house.” He pointed to his t-shirt. “It starts at nine o’clock.” He handed me a flier with directions. “Nice to meet you Adelaide. Hope to see you there.” He winked at me. I waited for him to turn his back to me then I rolled my eyes. I had a feeling I was about to meet a whole lot of “Bransons” this year.

  Branson returned to his buddies at the fraternity’s table. Sheridan glanced in my direction and winked at me. Winking is becoming an epidemic! I summoned her to me with my index finger. She rolled her eyes while she reluctantly sauntered over to me.

  Pointing back at the frat table Sheridan asked, “Are these guys hot or what?” It sounded less like a question and more like a statement of fact.

  “Yeah, whatever,” I mumbled.

  Sheridan threw her hands on her hips and declared, “Addy, you need to move on with life.”

  I muttered, “Jack is my life.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Remember, Jack and I didn’t break up so there’s no need to move on. I just get a little bummed.”

  “Then just…perk up, okay? You’re a total downer and if you’re going to be a buzz kill tonight I’m going to be pissed.”

  I rolled my eyes but she was right. I didn’t need to mope. Besides, I was thinking of flying to Montana for my birthday and I would go back for winter break. Jack and I had already discussed a ski trip or two. I smiled at that thought. But I was right, too. We hadn’t broken up so there was no reason to be so incredibly sad. My mood lifted and I even agreed to go to the Kappa Beta Sigma party with her. Sheridan offered the entire table of boys a flamboyant goodbye, calling out in a sing-song voice, “We’ll see you guys tonight!”

  ********

  “Is this too skimpy?” asked Sheridan as she pointed to her dress and twirled around.

  “Do you care?” I asked.

  “Good point.” She preened in the mirror.

  My cell phone rang. Once again, my heart leaped with excitement because this time, the ringtone told me it was coming from the Cooper residence. I scrambled over the bed to reach my desk where the phone lay.

  “Hello?” I breathlessly answered.

  “Hey! Miss me yet?” asked Jack. My heart fluttered as fast as a hummingbird’s wings.

  “You know I do,” I practically panted. My stomach flip-flopped from the mere sound of his voice.

  I turned around to find Sheridan giving me a disgusted look. She pointed to her watch to indicate we needed to leave for the party soon and she was keeping track of time. I could not have cared less about the party. She could leave without me for all I cared. I knew her though and she would stand and irritate me until I hung up and met her demands. I had wondered when she would begin the games of pushing me into choosing her over Jack. Apparently, the games were about to begin, starting tonight.

  I held up one finger and mouthed, “One minute” then turned my back to her.

  “I miss you a lot, actually,” I added in a near whisper.

  “I’m miserable. Can you come home?” Jack jokingly pleaded.

  I whisper
ed, “I am home. Why don’t you come here?” Why am I whispering?

  “Well, if home is where your heart is, then your home must be in Montana.”

  “I could say the same thing, right?”

  “Touché’. Seriously though, I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too,” I continued to whisper.

  “So what are you up to and why are you whispering? Is Sheridan already sleeping off a bender?”

  I let out a hearty laugh.

  “No, but we are about to go to a party.” I stopped whispering and there was no sense trying to hide what I felt about Jack from Sheridan or downplay going to a party to Jack. I needed him to know he shouldn’t worry about me but I also knew deep down if the tables were turned, I would be flipping out right about now, especially about the girls who would be trying to seduce him. I trusted Jack but not any other girls.