“I heard about the veil discussion. Frank, I taught you respect.”
Frank’s cheeks reddened. “Ma…”
“What’s up with the veil?” Eva said.
“I’m not wearing one,” Giulia said. “I’m wearing jasmine and a Christmas rose.”
“Ooh, pretty,” said Tina. “Priests don’t get all medieval about that stuff anymore anyways. Pat sure doesn’t. What about your priest friend who’s doubling up on the ceremony with him?”
“Father Carlos is almost as laid-back as Pat. He’s got other things to worry about besides whether I’m covering my head.” She described the robbery.
“I saw something about that in the paper,” Michael said. “You guys working on that case?”
“Now I remember,” Frank’s mother said. “One of my sorority sisters is recovering from heart surgery. Father Carlos’ assistant is one of the priests that make sick visits. I was visiting her and met him. Very nice young man, but looked like he hadn’t slept well in weeks.”
Giulia’s ears shut out the conversation because she didn’t like what she was thinking. She shouldn’t think it during wedding favor night anyway. Wrong place, wrong time. She locked the idea into a back room in her mind and picked up the new discussion topic: Ordering pizzas for the rehearsal dinner.
VI
Giulia called the Bishop’s office Tuesday morning at eight. Father Klein, the ultra-formal priest secretary, turned into an ice sculpture when she asked the question that had kept her up half the night.
“If you’ll wait a few minutes, I’ll see if I can access that information for you.”
“Liar,” Giulia said to the hold-silence. “You’re double-checking with the Bishop. I’d do an end-run around you, but your office has the information I need all in one convenient place and we don’t have a lot of time.”
Four and a half minutes later, the ice sculpture took her off hold. “Ms. Falcone, if you’re ready I can give you the list of names.”
When Frank came in at eight-thirty bearing coffee and bagels, Giulia waved the list at him before he got his coat off.
“I hate myself for thinking this, but the church thief might be a priest.”
Frank whistled. “Evidence?”
“Your mother gave me the idea last night when she mentioned Father Robert visiting her friend. Look.” She found the whole wheat bagel and took him to her desk where she’d spread out the maps from yesterday. “I called Father Carlos and got hold of the pastors from five of the other churches this morning to get their visitation schedules. All the thefts happened when a parish needed one of the rotating priests to help out with visitations.”
She caught Frank’s puzzled expression.
“You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?”
“Well, in theory, yes.”
She huffed. “You have neglected the upkeep of all you learned in school. It’s simple: When a parishioner is bedridden for whatever reason, they can request a priest or nun to bring them Communion. I used to do it in the summers when school was out. There are no nuns currently in the rotation, therefore I’m forced to conclude it’s one of the priests on this list.”
Frank read through the list while he drank coffee. “I’d love to wrap this up before the honeymoon, but I still don’t see how a priest could get into all these churches without breaking and entering.”
“Frank.”
“What? It’s a legitimate question.”
“Where do you think he got the Hosts to take around to these invalids?”
A long beat. “Son of a gun.”
“Bingo. No pun intended.” Giulia clicked one of the eight tabs on her screen. “I’ve got photos of all the priests on the list. Did you get a description from the pawnshop and jeweler visits?”
“Yeah, the same from both. Medium height, blond. Wore sunglasses and a ball cap, but the disguise was pretty amateur. Our thief thinks he’s being clever by using two different fences.”
Giulia hadn’t realized she was holding her breath until Frank confirmed the thief wasn’t Father Carlos. “That narrows it down. There are five blonds to choose from.” She closed three of the tabs and opened the first Pittsburgh one.
“No. He’s too thin.”
They eliminated one after the other until two tabs remained. A Franciscan from a church on the other side of Cottonwood, a new Jesuit from one of the Pittsburgh churches, and Father Robert.
“Damn,” Frank said. “Damn. I think it’s him. Robert, I mean.”
“I didn’t want to hear that.” Giulia studied the visitation list. “Give me a reason to cross him off, please. Take the next-to-last robbery, four and a half weeks ago.”
“Never mind that.” Frank poked a finger at the last address on the list. “They’re all supposed to be invalids, right? That’s the rule? Why is a single mother of twins on here then?”
Giulia followed where his finger touched. “I don’t know.”
“Call Father Carlos.”
“No. I don’t want to stress him out any more than he is already. Give me a second to think.” She waved a hand at him. “Go detect something.”
Frank laughed. “I’ll clear my email while I wait.”
Giulia stared at the photograph on her screen, the bagel cooling on her desk. If hardened thieves had a “look,” Robert didn’t possess it. He looked more like an overworked, sleep-deprived new priest. She’d known many of them. They shared a universal joke: The only people more exhausted than newly minted priests are ER interns and first-time fathers.
“Oh, crap.”
Frank said from his desk, “Insight unlocked?”
“Honestly? I hope not. I’m going out. Back eventually.”
Giulia plugged the address of the single mother into her phone. Siri navigated her to an old house broken up into small apartments three blocks east of St. Thomas’ church. She climbed to the third floor and rang the doorbell of 3-B.
A young, harried brunette opened the door. “Shh! I just got the twins to stop fussing.”
Behind her, a Star of Bethlehem quilt hung in a doorway. A clever pattern to apply to a string of robberies. Neither linear nor too close together, and easy to remember.
Giulia lied to the woman with a polite smile on her face. “Mrs. Keppler, I’m from St. Thomas’. Father Robert wanted you to know that he won’t be able to meet you to plan the Easter pageant this evening.”
“What?” Her voice was just sharp enough to set off a wail from behind the quilt. “Damn that man. If I wanted to be a single parent, I’d never have showed him the test resul—oh, shit.” Her eyes got big and frightened. “Oh, shit.”
Giulia wished she’d been wrong. “Go take care of the baby. I’ll wait.”
The brunette ran into the apartment and came out with a red-faced two-month old. She sat on the couch and nodded at the chair opposite while she soothed the baby.
“If I wasn’t so tired, I would’ve remembered that Rob would call, not send somebody from the church.” She rubbed the baby’s back. “Shh, shh, it’s naptime now. Time for sleep now.”
Giulia smiled. “What are their names?”
“Glen and Greg.” The brunette’s face hardened. “Don’t play nice. What’s going to happen to us?”
“Robert will probably be defrocked. Are you legally married?”
“Of course we are. Got married at City Hall a week after the blood test confirmed I was pregnant. I ran the nursery program at first church he was assigned to. We let things go too far too fast. No lectures, please.” She stopped rocking, and when no complaint came from the baby, said, “Who are you anyway?”
“I work for Driscoll Investigations. Robert’s been stealing gold and silver from the churches he works out of and replacing them with brass imitations. We’re investigating the robberies.”
“He did what? Oh, God.” She rocked again, but it seemed she was trying to soothe herself this time. “He’s going to jail and we’re going to be homeless.”
Giulia sa
t next to her and took the now-sleeping baby. “Let me put him to bed while you wash your face. Things might not be as hopeless as you fear.”
She carried Greg—or Glen—into a small room decorated with teddy bears playing baseball and football. The other twin was out like a light in an oversized crib. Giulia set his brother at the opposite end and tucked his side of the shared blanked around him.
When she came out, the brunette was at the kitchen table with a pile of tissues beside her.
“Are you just blowing smoke or do you really believe there’s a chance Robert won’t end up in jail?”
Giulia sat across from her. “Stranger things have happened. Tell me everything you can, starting with the marriage.”
VII
At ten o’clock the next morning, Giulia, Frank, Father Carlos, and Father Robert sat in the Bishop’s office. Robert’s face was a stoic mask. Carlos looked defeated. Giulia and Frank took turns summarizing the case, using everything Robert’s wife had told Giulia yesterday and Robert had told both of them last night, when a similar meeting had taken place at St. Thomas’.
The Bishop, known for his strict adherence to the letter of the law, blistered Robert’s ears for fifteen minutes straight. Then he called for coffee and forced Robert and Carlos to drink something.
“Now we will become practical. Carlos, this is not your fault. Well, it is, but only because you’re overworked and always willing to believe everyone is as honest as you. Robert, you have always received stellar reports from every priest you’ve worked under. You have a gift for ministry which should not be wasted. I’ve talked to a good friend at Saint Luke’s about you.”
Robert finally spoke. “The Lutheran church?”
“Yes. He’s married to a former nun—” the Bishop nodded at Giulia— “and has insight into this type of situation. You have an appointment with him today at three. If everything goes as planned, and I will make sure it does, you will be quietly defrocked and go through an abbreviated seminary course before being ordained as a Lutheran priest.”
Robert opened his mouth but nothing came out.
“You’re welcome,” the Bishop said. “When I stand before my eternal Judge, I wouldn’t care to explain why I sent a promising young priest to jail and let his wife and children starve in the street. The Lutherans aren’t Holy Mother Church, but we won’t hold that against them in this case.” A quick smile lit his features. “As to the thefts of Church property, we will meet with the pastors involved and with the investigating officers. Everything possible will be done.”
Robert’s spine appeared to collapse. Carlos held him up and then cuffed the back of his head.
“Thank Giulia for this, idiot. Think what would’ve happened if she hadn’t spent all day yesterday talking to the police and the Bishop on your behalf.”
One weight dropped from Giulia’s shoulders. Only several dozen remained. But at least one of them wasn’t choosing which bed sheet to wear on Saturday.
VIII
At eight o’clock Saturday morning, Giulia held up her violet wool coat to test its weight. “Laurel, I can’t put this over the dress. It weighs a ton.”
Laurel pulled one more curl through Giulia’s hair combs. “You’ll be outside for all of ten minutes between here and the church and the reception. It’s a cold out but sunny. You can handle it.”
“True. My brain isn’t functioning. Stop fussing with my hair. Where’s Sidney?”
“She’ll be here. Look at me. Now your hair is symmetrical.”
Giulia sat in one of the kitchen chairs. “If I had anything in my stomach I’d throw it up.”
“No you wouldn’t because it’d wreck your makeup and might get on that dress of which I am utterly jealous.”
The doorbell rang.
“See? This has to be Sidney.” Laurel opened it and Sidney ran into the apartment.
“I’m so sorry! Belle spit on Olivier right as we were leaving and he had to change. You look epic! Where did you find that dress? Why have you been keeping it secret?”
Giulia tried not to laugh. “Why do those alpacas hate your husband so much?”
“I think they’re jealous. Whenever they see us kiss, they butt against their fence like they want to trample him. Here, here, here.” She set a cardboard box on the table. “I’ll open it. Don’t risk breaking a nail.”
She stripped off the packing tape and revealed three white Christmas roses nestled in pale yellow winter jasmine. Next to them, a Victorian posy-style bouquet with another rose surrounded by more jasmine and scattered hollyberries. “Tell me you love them so I don’t break my mother’s heart.”
“They’re beautiful. They’re perfect. Your mother is an angel.”
Sidney bounced in place. “Laurel, you put the flowers on her. I’m too antsy.”
Giulia didn’t stir while Laurel set the headband-shaped comb in the top of Giulia’s hair.
Her two friends stepped back and appraised her.
“You look like you’re in a 1920s revival of A Midsummer Night’s Dream,” Laurel said.
“Is that good?”
“It’s epic.” Sidney took out her phone. “I have to Tweet this. Get the bouquet, I want the full effect.”
Giulia stood and held the Victorian-style posy as though she were walking down the aisle.
Sidney took the picture. While she sent it, Laurel said, “It’s twenty after. We have to leave now, now, now. Where are your boots?”
Giulia pointed. “On the mat by the door.”
“Sit and hold up that skirt. Sidney, give me a hand. No, don’t bother with the coat, the dress is too important to risk. Okay, it’s wedding time.”
They got Giulia down the stairs and into Laurel’s SUV. Giulia’s hands started to shake. Laurel poked her. “Calm down. This is nowhere near as bad as teaching high school every day for umpteen years, right?”
“Tell my stomach that.”
Laurel laughed. “It’s a relief to see that the unflappable Giulia Falcone at least freaks out at her impending marriage. Seriously, you’ll nail this. I promise not to trip on the carpet if you promise not to keel over on the altar.”
“I don’t dare. Sidney would Tweet it to everyone in the known universe.” The thought buoyed her. She could and would make it through this day without becoming a Wedding Fail video on YouTube.
She and Laurel walked into the church vestibule at quarter to nine.
“Sit down and I’ll switch your boots for your shoes.”
Giulia was silent for so long, Laurel looked up from her position on the cold floor. “Giulia?”
“I forgot my shoes.”
“You what?”
“They’re in a box on the kitchen table.” Giulia stared at her stockinged feet, her voice flat. “I didn’t even bring flip-flops for the reception.”
Laurel grabbed her cell phone and sent a text. A minute later, Sidney came running in.
“What happened?”
“Her shoes are still in her apartment. I’m size ten. What size are you?”
“Six. Too small.”
No one moved for a moment. Then Sidney ran back through the main doors into the church. An eternity later that turned out to be about three minutes by the clock, Sidney came back with Frank’s mother, Laurel’s partner Anya, and Frank’s sisters-in-law Tina and Darlene.
Giulia, still frozen to her chair, looked up at their helpless faces and finally saw the humor of the situation.
“Guys, I’ll go barefoot. It works with the Midsummer Night’s Dream flowers.” When Laurel gave her a skeptical look, Giulia added, “As long as all of you tell Frank this doesn’t equal a promise to be immediately barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen.”
Frank’s mother took off her right shoe. “Try this.”
“It’s got a three-inch heel.” Giulia obliged anyway. “It’s about a half-size too big, but I could make it work.” She put on the other one. “Somebody help me stand up?”
Laurel and Sidney each took an arm and
Giulia got vertical. She took one tentative step, another… and tripped out of the shoe and into Tina’s arms.
“Oh, God, did we rip the dress?” Laurel knelt next to her.
“I let go because the lace is fragile,” Sidney said. “Did you?”
“Yes. I think so.”
The inner doors opened. Forty-five people turned to see Giulia flopped against one woman’s breasts with two other women feeling up her armpits. Dead silence.
Giulia started to laugh. The ushers closed the doors faster than imposing church doors were designed to move. After another moment, all seven women were laughing. Giulia slipped out of the other three-inch heel. Darlene braced Tina. Tina heaved herself forward. Sidney and Laurel helped Giulia balance. Frank’s mother put her shoes back on.
Giulia smoothed the satin skirt. “You all are wonderful. Am I wrinkled? Are the flowers still attached?”
Sidney checked the flowers. Laurel made a circuit of the dress.
“You’re all set,” Sidney said.
“The dress is intact,” Laurel said.
Giulia took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s do this.”
Frank’s mother smiled at her. “My son chose well. I’ll tell the organist to start.”
Giulia picked up her bouquet and stood with Laurel in the vestibule for one more minute. The doors opened. The organist began the processional, but it wasn’t the music Giulia and Frank had chosen. Giulia knew what it was… it was…
Laurel paced into the church. Giulia caught Sidney’s eye in the front row. Sidney clapped her hands over her mouth. Her whole body shook with laughter.
Frank stepped into the center of the sanctuary and saw Giulia in her wedding dress. She beamed at the open-mouthed grin on his face.
Giulia Falcone, formerly Sister Mary Regina Coelis, took her first step down the aisle to the wedding processional from The Sound of Music.
About the Author
Baker of brownies and tormenter of characters, Alice Loweecey recently celebrated her thirtieth year outside the convent. She grew up watching Hammer horror films and Scooby-Doo mysteries, which explains a whole lot. When she’s not creating trouble for Giulia Falcone-Driscoll, she can be found growing her own vegetables (in summer) and cooking with them (the rest of the year).
Changing Habits: A Short Story (A Giulia Driscoll Mystery) Page 3