by Laura Landon
Rafe made several attempts to fill his lungs with air before he finally felt as if he could breathe. “Thank you, Mrs. Grange. Tell Miss Hannah I look forward to visiting with her in the morning.”
Rafe walked up the stairs to his room and set the tray of food on the table. Instead of pouring himself a cup of hot tea, he reached for the bottle of brandy he kept in the back of his bottom desk drawer. When he’d poured some into a glass, he sat in front of the fire and took a sip.
There was only one reason Hannah had come unannounced. Only one reason she hadn’t met with him tonight. Only one reason she’d left word that she wanted to see him in the morning.
And the only reason he could think of was the last reason he wanted to hear.
Chapter 30
Rafe lay in bed with his arm beneath his head and his eyes focused on the ceiling. He had no idea what time it was. All he knew was that the fire in the grate had died a long time ago. He’d given up on sleep long before that—as soon as he heard Hannah was here and wanted to see him.
He took a deep breath when he thought of his conversation. He wondered how she’d tell him she no longer wanted him anywhere near Coventry Cottage or the children. He wondered if he should save her the trouble and offer to leave.
The thought of leaving the children settled inside his chest like a heavy weight. In the time he’d been here, he’d come to love each and every one of them. They were the sheep he wanted to gather around him. They were the flock of little saints he wanted to care for.
He wondered if Hannah would allow him to plead his case, or if she would simply demand that he leave.
Rafe couldn’t stand to think about it any longer. He couldn’t stand to lie in bed and worry about what was going to happen tomorrow. He reached for the corner of his covers to toss them aside. He stopped when the knob on the door turned and the door opened.
Hannah stood in the doorway, her golden hair flowing loosely down her shoulders and back. She was a vision he’d only dreamed of ever seeing again. His heart began a race in his chest.
She wore a robe that didn’t quite reach the floor, and her toes peeked out beneath the hem. It was the most sensual sight he could imagine. She looked as ethereal as an angel, as enticing as a siren.
She didn’t step inside the room but stood in the open doorway for several seconds as if waiting for her eyes to adjust to the darkness.
“Are you asleep?” she finally whispered.
“No,” he answered.
She slowly entered the room and closed the door behind her. “I was going to wait until morning to talk to you,” she said when she reached the bed, “but I couldn’t.”
Rafe looked up at her, and a hundred conflicting emotions raced through him. “I didn’t get a message that you were coming. If I had, I would have made certain I was—”
“I didn’t send one. I wanted you to be here. We need to talk.”
“I see.”
“Do you?”
“Yes, I think I do,” Rafe admitted. “And I don’t blame you.”
The fire had been out for several hours, and there was a chill in the room. Hannah shivered, then rubbed her upper arms as if to warm herself.
“You’re cold,” he said. “Take that cover on the chair behind you and wrap it around your shoulders.”
“I’d rather you kept me warm, Rafe.”
Rafe struggled to understand what Hannah meant. But before he could come to any conclusion, she pushed her robe from her shoulders and let it slide to the floor.
Her satiny flesh glimmered in the moonlight with a luminous glow. For several seconds she stood at his bedside—whether waiting for him to pull back the covers and invite her in, or giving him the chance to reject her, he didn’t know.
“Are you certain, Hannah?”
“Yes. Are you?”
Rafe pulled back the covers, and she lay down beside him.
“I’ve dreamed of—”
“Shh.” She placed her finger over his lips and stopped him from speaking. “Tomorrow. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
She brought herself up over him and pressed her lips to his. “Love me, Rafe. I’ve waited my whole life to be loved.”
Rafe kissed her lips, then shared with her the pent-up emotion he’d held at bay since they’d met. He kissed her again, this time with a passion that was as deep and vast as the heavens.
He wasn’t as experienced as most single men he knew. Once he’d realized that the church was his calling, he’d turned his back on the ways of the world. But he wasn’t totally inexperienced. It had just been a while.
He deepened his kisses and kissed her again and again, then wrapped his arms around her and turned so she was beneath him.
This was what he’d dreamed of for so long. Holding Hannah in his arms, feeling her flesh against his. Touching her.
He came down over her and made her one with him.
Hannah wrapped her arms around Rafe and held him close to her. She’d known that their lovemaking would be special, known that his touch would ignite a passion she only experienced when she was with him, when he held her. When he kissed her.
He moved inside her. This was the first time she’d made love with a man. She’d had sex often. Men had used and enjoyed her body often. But she’d never enjoyed what they did. She’d only pretended.
There was no pretending with Rafe.
Their lovemaking intensified. His movements became more urgent, more concentrated. He drove into her with a penetrating force that carried her to a level far above anything she’d ever experienced. She’d never felt like this, never knew there was such abandon when loving a man.
She wrapped her arms and legs around his body and held him close.
Someone cried out. It could have been Rafe. It could have been her. She didn’t know. She could no more control her voice than she could control the hunger and desire building inside her. Together they soared, past the stars toward the brilliant light ahead of her. And then she exploded. In a shuddering moment, thousands of sparkling fireworks shattered behind her eyes. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t think. She could do nothing except cry out as her body leaped from the high precipice where Rafe had taken her and dropped her toward earth.
She plummeted in a timeless fall before reaching the earth with staggering unsteadiness. She clung to Rafe for fear she would never stop trembling.
For several minutes neither of them moved. Except for the rapid rise and fall of their chests as they fought to take in the air they needed to breathe, Hannah was too exhausted to move. She thought Rafe was too.
When she could lift her sated body, she placed her head atop Rafe’s chest. She listened to the thundering of his heart and knew he was as affected by what they’d just experienced as she had been.
She smiled through her tears and tightened her grasp around Rafe’s body.
“Are you all right?” he asked when her tears streamed down her cheeks and landed on his chest. There was concern in his voice, and Hannah’s smile broadened.
“I didn’t know it could be like that,” she whispered.
“Neither did I,” he answered.
“That was beautiful. Thank you.”
“I love you, Hannah. I have almost since the first day I met you.”
“I know. I tried so hard to keep you from getting too close, but I couldn’t.”
There was a rumble deep inside his chest. He was laughing.
“What?” she asked, running her fingers over his damp flesh.
“Keeping me from falling in love with you was useless. I’d searched for someone like you my whole life. When I found you, I refused to let you go.”
“Even when you discovered I was really Madam Genevieve?”
“Even then.” He paused. “Especially then.”
“Why?”
He pulled her closer to him, and she tucked her head beneath his chin. “Because I loved you. I had to do everything in my power to keep from losing you. And…”
“And…?�
�� she asked when he hesitated.
“You’re not going to like this.”
She hesitated before answering. “Consider me forewarned.”
He took a deep breath that raised his chest. “The second reason was because you were going to be my greatest success. I took great pleasure in believing that I could save you from yourself. From the life you were leading.”
“From my life of sin?” she asked.
“Yes.”
Hannah struggled to digest Rafe’s admission. “When did you change your mind?”
“When I discovered what your mission really was. When I saw Coventry Cottage and saw the children you’d rescued. When I realized that the saints I preached to every Sunday morning could get along without me, but the children living on the streets couldn’t survive without you. You do a thousand times more good than I ever dreamed of doing, Hannah. And I had some mighty big dreams.”
Hannah breathed a deep sigh. “I’m glad you wrote. Your letter explained several things.”
“There is more I need to explain. I didn’t understand how much I’d asked of you until Caroline and Her Grace pointed it out.”
Hannah smiled. “I pity you. Having either Grace or Caroline chastise you would be difficult enough. Having both of them against you is unimaginable.”
“It was rather uncomfortable. But their harshness made me realize how unfair I’d been to ask you to change. I hadn’t thought of what I was asking you to do.”
“Have you changed your mind?”
“Yes. Now I know how wrong I was. Saving children from the street is your passion. And it’s become mine too.”
Hannah snuggled against Rafe and breathed a deep sigh. For a long time, neither of them spoke. Finally, Hannah said what she knew they were both thinking. “What’s going to happen now?”
“We’re going to have to get married,” he said.
“No, Rafe. We don’t have to marry. No one will expect you to marry me.”
“Perhaps not.” There was a stern tone to his voice. “They may not expect me to marry you, but they will expect you to marry me. I’m a ruined man, you know.”
Hannah lifted her head, and her eyes focused on the smile on his face.
“You can’t just walk away from a man once you’ve ruined him for every other woman on the face of the earth.”
Hannah reached up to kiss Rafe on the mouth.
“Don’t worry, Hannah. I realize the mistakes I made before. I won’t make them again.”
Rafe’s hands gently caressed her. “What future do you see for us, Rafe?”
He didn’t speak right away. It was as if he needed to carefully consider the answer he needed to give her.
“We belong together, Hannah. You know that. We love each other.” He held her more securely. “I can’t live without you. I tried. I was miserable.”
“I know,” she answered. “So was I.”
“I want you with me as much as I can have you, but I know how important Madam Genevieve’s is to you—and why I won’t ask you to choose between your life in London and me.”
“You would let me have both?”
“I will take whatever you can give me. We will make our lives together when you can come here. But I will not go to London. I can’t, Hannah. Please understand why I can’t.”
Hannah swallowed hard. He was accepting her for who she was—for what she was.
“I only have one demand to make,” he said with as much resolve as she’d ever heard in his voice. “I intend to make you my wife.”
“How can you want me for your wife, knowing who and what I am?”
“I won’t live in sin, Hannah. Don’t ask me to. I can’t.”
Hannah pushed herself away from Rafe and slowly rose. She picked up her robe from the floor and covered her body. She tied the sash with great deliberation, then turned. “I can’t marry you, Rafe.”
Rafe threw the covers back and stood.
Hannah watched as he pulled on his pants. In anger he shoved his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. He didn’t bother to fasten every button, but let it gape open to his waist.
“Why?” he asked when he turned to face her. “Is it because of Madam Genevieve’s?”
Hannah lowered her gaze and shook her head. She couldn’t look at him. She’d known this conversation would come up. She swallowed hard. “Because I have nothing to give you.”
“What?”
“I have nothing to give you.” She lifted her gaze to face him. “I can give you nothing.”
“What is it you think I want? Madam Genevieve’s?”
Hannah laughed. It wasn’t a joyous laugh, it was a laugh filled with irony. “No, Rafe. I can’t even give you Madam Genevieve’s—because I don’t own it any longer.”
His eyes opened wide. “You’ve sold Madam Genevieve’s?”
“I sold it to Dalia. She offered to buy it, and I sold it to her.”
“What about its income? What about the children?”
“Nothing will change. The children will still be provided for. Dalia will still rescue the children from the streets. She will handle everything in London, and I can…”
“Yes? You can what?”
“I can stay here.”
A smile broadened across his face. “Oh, Hannah,” he said, reaching for her. He pulled her into his arms and held her. “That is perfect. Perfect! Then there’s nothing to stop us from marrying.”
Hannah pushed against his chest. When he didn’t immediately release her, she pushed harder. He loosened his hold but didn’t separate himself from her. She twisted out of his arms and took two steps away from him.
“I will be here for you, Rafe. I want nothing more than to live at Coventry and work at your side to care for the children. But I won’t marry you. I can’t.”
His eyes narrowed. “Help me to understand this, Hannah. You love me. You want to live with me. You want us to work together to raise and care for the children. But you won’t marry me?”
She nodded in the affirmative.
“In other words, you’re willing to prostitute yourself to me?”
“Don’t,” Hannah said, struggling to keep the wetness from filling her eyes.
“I don’t understand, Hannah.” He grasped her by the shoulders and held her. “Make me understand.”
The first tear streamed down her cheek, but she let it fall. She couldn’t stop it from spilling over her lashes, just as she couldn’t stop the tears that followed. “I can’t marry you, Rafe. You have to be free to marry if you ever find someone else.”
A shocked expression covered his face. Confusion followed. “Why on earth would I want to find someone else? I love you. I want to spend my life with you. You, Hannah. Not someone else.”
“But I have nothing to offer you. I can’t give you what you will want.”
“You can give me love. What more could I ask?”
“There’s more. You know there is!”
“What? What more is there?”
Hannah twisted out of his grasp, then turned to face him. “A son! I can’t give you a son!”
It took only a second or two for her admission to register. She couldn’t give him a son. Today was the first time she’d said the words aloud. The first time she’d admitted her inability to anyone. The first time she shed tears because she couldn’t have children.
She watched his face for the disappointment she was certain she’d see. An emotion appeared, but it wasn’t disillusionment. It was more understanding. More empathy than regret.
Silence engulfed the room as he looked at her. Then he slowly lifted his outstretched arms. “Come here, my love.”
His voice was little more than a whisper, but it beckoned to her to come to him for comfort. She didn’t hesitate, but ran to his embrace.
When she reached him, he wrapped his strong, muscular arms around her and pulled her close to him.
This was the comfort she needed but had somehow survived without.
Rafe lifted h
er in his arms and carried her to a large wing chair that sat before the lifeless fire. He placed her on the cushion, then walked to the grate and added some wood. It wasn’t long before a fire came to life. When he was assured it would keep burning, he returned to the chair and lifted her in his arms, then sat with her in his lap.
“Tell me what happened,” he said softly.
Hannah shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. It was a long time ago.”
“It matters to me. And I know it still matters to you.”
Hannah nestled against him and tucked her head beneath his chin.
“Tell me, Hannah.”
She took a deep breath and forced herself to remember a part of her past she’d tried to forget. “I made my way to Grace and Caroline’s after I was raped. They took me to a woman who lived near the village. Everyone called her Granny. She was a healer. I overheard her tell Grace and Caroline that she didn’t think I’d live. But I did.”
Rafe’s hand rubbed gentle circles on her flesh, and Hannah thought how comforting his touch was. She didn’t ever want to give that feeling up.
“I was with Granny almost three months before we knew for sure that I was carrying a child. Knowing that I’d have a child to care for terrified me. I wasn’t able to take care of myself, let alone a babe.” Hannah wiped a tear from her cheek. “But I didn’t have to worry. Not even a week after I realized I was carrying, I lost the babe.”
“Oh, Hannah.”
“I’m not sure what happened, Granny said she didn’t know, but she told me I would never be able to have children. That my body wouldn’t carry a babe.”
“And you think that because you can’t give me a child, I won’t want you?”
She buried her face deeper against him. “Every man wants a son to carry on his name. I can’t give you that, Rafe.”
Before Hannah could continue her explanation, Rafe held her so she had no choice but to look into his eyes. What she saw wrapped around her heart like a warm blanket to protect her.
“I want you, Hannah. I want to spend every day and every night with you. Haven’t you learned by now that I’m not like every other man you know?” He lowered his head and kissed her on the mouth. “I love you. I want you. If I want children, I only have to go to the nursery and hold any one of the precious babes there.”