by Adams, Kira
“Baby, please, please, just look at me,” Robbie begs, gripping both my hands in his, tears streaming down his face.
And somehow, I still feel sorry for you…like I wronged you somehow. I pull my hands away, digging my nails into my palms. I feel dirty for even considering forgiving him. I feel disappointed.
He reaches up his hand to my face, and I flinch from the caress. He chokes on a sob, turning his head away from me, his eyes tightly closed.
I can’t believe you put your hands on me. The warm liquid is pooling beneath my eyes, trailing down my face. Robbie reaches out for me one more time, and I lose it. “Don’t touch me!” I scream, and then race out of the room and up the stairs to our bedroom.
I can hear the barreling footsteps behind me. I should have known I wasn’t getting away that easy. “Bryce! Bryce!” Robbie cries out frantically. He’s desperate to fix his mistake. Everything is just happening so fast. I need a moment to process what just took place.
I race through our room, hurriedly to the bathroom and slam the door behind me, locking it. Seconds later, I hear the frenzied knocking by Robbie. “Bryce, come on, let me in! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
My heart is still beating wildly as I throw myself onto the sink, gasping for air. I think I’m having a panic attack. Between tears, coughing spells, attempting to catch my breath, and regulating my heart beat, I’m a mess. I don’t understand how, in a matter of a couple of minutes, everything I thought I knew about my relationship with my boyfriend was turned on its head.
Robbie is a hothead; something I learned very early on within our relationship, but we’ve been together for fourteen months now, and besides the occasional screaming in my face and blocking my movement, he’s never taken it further physically…until today. Things have been escalating recently. I know he’s been under stress from his job, and he’s been going through some recent family drama, but it doesn’t excuse the fact that he tried to choke me.
Last week, during a heated argument, he called me a worthless piece of shit and spit in my face. He apologized profusely and promised he would never do it again…but it killed me inside. He thought low enough of me in that moment to spit on me like I was trash. I’ve never felt lower in my entire life. I almost left him. In fact, I had even started packing, but Robbie is a master manipulator. Not more than a few hours later, we were on the couch laughing and kissing, like nothing had ever changed. He doesn’t know I cried myself to sleep that night. I felt like such a coward for forgiving him.
All I could think of was how much time we had invested in each other already. Starting over seemed…complicated. Robbie pounds harder, startling me. “Bryce!” he’s becoming more agitated. I’m not sure what he will do if I don’t open up. I glance up at the door which is reverberating from the rough pounding.
I press my forehead against the door, my heart in my throat.
How the hell did we end up here?
Two: Overcoming Hesitation
“So, you missed an epic party this weekend.” Tyson’s dark eyes light up.
We are seated on my bed, eating popcorn and watching an action flick he picked up from Redbox on his way over.
“Is that so?” I ask, popping a few kernels in my mouth. “Tell me all about it.”
“Well...you remember how I told you about my buddy Jeff and his girlfriend Andrea?”
I nod. He’s mentioned their relationship troubles a couple of times. Let’s just say it doesn’t sound like the healthiest thing they have going.
“Well, everything kind of came to a head at the party when Jeff found Andrea in bed with another guy!” Tyson’s voice is gaining momentum, and he is smiling, making his eyes twinkle. I love how animated he gets when he is telling a story. I live vicariously through him and his adventures out in the real world.
“Shut up!” I basically spit out the popcorn from my mouth. “So, then what happened?”
“He beat the shit out of the guy and dumped her in front of everyone at the party.”
“No way.” I am shaking my head. I wish I could have been there to witness it. Hearing him tell me about it almost makes me feel alive.
He is nodding, chuckling. “You would have paid to see that break-up!”
We both bust up laughing, causing my sides to hurt. “I bet you’re happy that you don’t have to listen to him bitch and moan anymore.”
“You have no idea.” He sighs, lacing his fingers behind his head and leaning back. “So, what’s new with you? Any good books lately?”
I know the last thing he wants is to hear about the romance books I let myself get lost in, but I still appreciate the fact that he asks.
“Linda gave me a new assignment.”
He seems to perk up at my statement. “Oh, really? What is it?”
“She wants me go check the mail every day. She said that by next week when I see her, she wants to see my progress.” I swallow deeply, attempting to keep my heart rate in check. Just the idea of stepping outside sends my anxiety through the roof.
“That’s great, Bryce.” Tyson pauses, sensing that I’m uncomfortable. I swear it’s a sixth sense of his. He’s always careful not to overstep his boundaries. “Have you attempted it yet?”
I shake my head “no” slowly.
“Well, if you don’t take the first step, you’ll never start. Want to do a practice run today?” I’m surprised Tyson puts up with me. I’m surprised he even likes spending his time cooped up inside with me. If I were in his position, I’d be out and about enjoying the world around me. Not that I’m complaining or anything.
My heart rate is accelerating, and I’m stressed that he can hear it from his position beside me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he can see my heart beating out of my chest. It’s pounding so loud in my ears, I bet I’m going to end up with a migraine.
“I don’t think I can do it.” I move the popcorn bowl away from me, and look down onto my bedspread.
“You didn’t even try,” Tyson says softly. I can feel his eyes burning into me…willing me to look up.
I swallow again, attempting to buy more time.
“Come on, I’ll go with you. You don’t even have to take a step outside if you don’t want to. Let’s just try to make it to the front door…deal?” His voice is so calm and soothing it’s difficult not to want to do it, even just for him.
Slowly I nod.
“Is that a yes?” His voice seems to have jumped a few octaves.
I giggle nervously, finally allowing myself to lock eyes with him. He is grinning widely.
He doesn’t waste any more time, jumping off my bed and grabbing my hand. “If we wait, you’ll just change your mind. Come on.”
He’s right. How does he know me so well?
I let him pull me off my bed and we make our way downstairs.
Just as we hit the area rug that sits in the entryway, my inner voice begins to scream at me.
You can’t do this. Turn around and go back upstairs.
I double back, attempting to quickly race back up to my room before he notices, but I am not quite fast enough. His hand has a tight grip on my arm, and I am not able to escape. “I’m right here with you, Bryce. We haven’t even opened the door yet. You can do this.”
I find comfort in his soft tone. I squeeze my eyes tightly, as I hear him begin to turn the door handle. I let his words wash over me, drowning out the sound of my beating heart. You can do this, Bryce.
I can feel the sun on my face for the first time in over a year, but I keep my eyes closed. I’m afraid of what will come next.
“Open your eyes,” he whispers softly into my ear. “I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.”
Slowly, I open one eye at a time and my neighborhood comes into focus. There is a little girl riding her tricycle down the street. Birds are chirping loudly and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. Seems like the perfect day. I breathe in deeply, wanting to commit this to memory.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, rubbing
my shoulders.
“Normal.” And for the first time in a long time, I believe it.
Before
* * *
“Where were you?” Robbie demands the moment I step inside the house. His grey-blue eyes are cold as ice.
“I stayed at my parents’,” I reply, shoving past him.
“Really?” he asks angrily. “Because I called your parents’ house and they said they hadn’t heard from you this week.”
My stomach plummets. You called my parents’ house? I feel like I’m reporting to my father, not my boyfriend. I don’t bother replying as I head toward the stairs.
“Let me see your phone!” Robbie holds out his hand, his eyes wild.
“What? No,” I reply instinctively. I’m not a child. I refuse to be treated like one.
I needed time away from you. Don’t you get it? You’re suffocating me. I’m slowly dying inside, and you’re the cancer.
Of course I’ve tried leaving Robbie multiple times, but he’s threatened suicide, he’s followed me around like a sad puppy-dog for days, and he always promises to change, but never does. Our relationship is so unhealthy, I don’t even remember what normal feels like.
Honestly, I worry that no one will want me now that he’s broken me down into nothing. I feel worthless, unworthy. I can’t remember the last time I felt beautiful or loved, happy or content. If Robbie knew that I stayed with my friend Scarlett last night, he’d be convinced that we hung out with guys behind his back. He already hates Scarlett, and thinks she’s a bad influence on me. I wish I would have put more stock into what my friends and family thought of Robbie before staying with him for over a year and a half, it’s really saying something when no one likes him. I always gave him the benefit of the doubt—acted as if they were judging him unfairly, but now I am beginning to see things they’ve told me since the beginning. Robbie tries to isolate me and brainwash me, and it’s been going on far too long. I need to leave him, but it’s the most terrifying thing in the entire world.
“You slut,” Robbie hisses at me, his eyes fixated on my phone. I can see a vein in the side of his neck, bulging out. His jaw is tight and locked, and he is grinding his teeth back and forth.
Ding Dong.
His head swivels around, his eyes cast in the direction of our front door. I’m literally saved by the bell. He stalks over to the door and swings it open. A guy with shaggy dark brown hair and chocolate brown eyes stares back at him. He’s got a few inches on Robbie. The guy is dressed casually in a patterned tank top and jean shorts. To say he’s handsome would be an understatement. His eyes flip back between Robbie and me. I take a few steps toward the door, curiosity leading the way.
“Hi there!” The stranger waves with a bright smile.
His smile is absolutely contagious, I find myself returning it with an equally warm grin.
“I’m Tyson, I just moved in next door. I just wanted to take a moment to say hello and let you know that if you ever need anything I’m just a hop, skip, and a jump away.”
I giggle internally at how adorable he is. His eyes linger on mine and I feel a volt of electricity shoot up my spine. I swallow, my heartbeat increasing steadily.
“Thanks,” Robbie says shortly and then begins to close the door. Tyson throws his arm out, intercepting it.
“I also wanted to give you guys the heads up that we are going to have some people over tonight, and it may get loud. If it gets too loud for you, can you please let us know?” What a proactive neighbor.
Robbie grunts in understanding and then begins to close the door again.
“If you two aren’t doing anything, you should drop by, have a cold one,” Tyson manages to call through the crack in the door before Robbie shuts it in his face.
Robbie turns back around to me.
“That was rude,” I point out. “He wasn’t even done talking and you were already closing the door in his face.”
Robbie’s eyes narrow. “We’re in the middle of a serious conversation. I don’t give a crap about some fucking party.”
I sigh. So much for saved by the bell…
Three: Paralyzed by Fear
The idea of my assignment is so much easier to digest than the actual action of walking outside for the first time in over a year. My house, my room: they’ve become my safe haven. A place I know I am protected from the terrors of the outside world, protected from him.
“So, how is your assignment coming along?” Linda asks, seated across from me in our study. She tucks her honey-colored curls behind her ear.
It’s Wednesday, unfortunately for me. It seems to have snuck up on me faster than I’d imagined it would. Normally I look forward to seeing Linda. Not this week. This week I’ve been dreading it like the plague.
When Tyson took me for the test run, I felt like I could do anything…but after he left, I attempted my assignment at least three more times with no such luck. By the time my right foot crossed the threshold, I began to hyperventilate. It was the same, each and every time. I gave up after that. It’s too hard, and I can’t do it.
I shrug, avoiding eye contact. My eyes land on the picture frame behind Linda’s head. It’s a family portrait that was taken only a couple of years ago, but I don’t recognize that girl in the photo. Her smile is genuine and real. The portrait is obviously from a happier time.
“Bryce, did you even try?” It hurts hearing Linda doubt me. She hasn’t judged me since she first stepped foot into our house, and I really look up to her.
My eyes shift back to her. “Yeah,” I say in a small voice. “I tried…I just, can’t do it.”
“What makes you say that?” She is holding her notepad away from her, too focused on me to write. Her brown eyes fixated on me.
“I tried it…okay? I’m just not strong enough,” I snap back at her, guilt instantly washing over me as I realize she is not to blame for my shortcomings. “I’m sorry.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” She always lets me off easy. Sometimes, I wonder if she were stricter with me, would I be making more progress than I have been? But I can’t imagine having anyone else as a therapist, so I try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind.
“Tell me what ran through your mind when you attempted it. What made you think you couldn’t do it?” Of course, even with my outburst, she keeps pressing on.
“That he is going to find me.”
“That is a valid fear. What makes you think he’s still out there?” I’ve answered this question over a hundred times, but she still continues to ask it. I’m positive when she does, she is hoping for a breakthrough. Unfortunately, I never deliver.
“Because they never found him; he vanished without a trace.”
“Do you believe he’s still in the state?” Another valid question I’ve been asked previously.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“So, it’s the fear of the unknown? Do you miss being able to leave your house?”
“What kind of question is that? Of course I miss being able to leave my house like a normal person. To not have to feel like I constantly have to look behind me every second of every day…but this is my life now, and I’ve accepted it.” Although these questions are not new to me, today, they irritate me more than usual, grinding on my last nerve. It could be because I just started my period, it always puts me in a foul mood…but it could also be because this is the closest I’ve been in a year to stepping outside, and I just don’t have the strength to go through with it.