His hands were grabbing my wet hair as moans left my lips. His tongue swept across my lips almost pleading for more. I opened and let him in, into my mouth, into my heart, and as always into my soul. He deepened the kiss as someone yelled repeatedly in the background for some newlywed couple. I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned back to see a man wearing a poncho over his uniform demanding we get into a limo that was holding up the line.
“We aren’t -,” I started to explain as Logan sat me back on the ground. “I’m not-,” I tried to tell the man we weren’t newlyweds, but he wasn’t listening. Instead, he shuttled me toward the limo and threw my bag inside. When I looked at Logan his fingers were on his lips as a smirk formed across his face. He came along and we climbed inside.
The limo driver pulled away as Logan hit the intercom.
“Drive until I say otherwise,” Logan’s voice was gruff and the look in his eye was predatory.
“We shouldn’t do this,” I nervously explained.
“I’ve wanted to bite your ass since before I knew it was you,” Logan loosened his tie and took off his blazer. “I am so angry at you, but one kiss from you and I forget all of that,” he started to undo his belt with one hand as he grabbed onto my scarf and pulled me closer with the other. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even form a cognitive reason for what I said next.
“Then be angry with me,” the words fell off my lips that still tingled from his kiss. I didn’t even know what I was asking for. I didn’t even know what I wanted, but I knew in this moment if he walked away my heart would die.
“You don’t know what you’re asking for,” he replied, as he sat back and seemed to ponder it for a moment. “I could really hurt you.”
“Then hurt me gently,” I suggestively stated and then chastised myself for being a willing doormat. Truth was, I would have said anything to gain his forgiveness, and he knew it.
“No.”
“No?” I questioned. Here I was ready and willing to do or give whatever he wanted, and yet he declined.
“No, Londi, I’m not like you. I can’t just devastate people and walk away like its nothing. I can’t be inside you and then… Doesn’t matter. I’m on the next thing flying stateside and I think it would be best if you disappeared once more. I think I can forgive you if you don’t ever come near me again.”
Just like that I went from horny and willing to shattered and overwhelmed with emotion. I sat back in the seat and sobbed as Logan told the driver where to drop him off. As we arrived at his hotel the driver came around and opened the door for him. I watched as he climbed out, but then he leaned in and whispered those words I would hold to my heart forever.
“I will always have you in my heart as my first love, but I can’t give you anything else. Love doesn’t fight for us, it’s just a feeling, but we fight like hell for those we want to share it with. I lost my fight six years ago when you walked away, and I don’t want it back. I don’t want to be hurt, and I am not going to do anything that would cause you pain either. Take care of yourself Londi.”
Just like that he was gone from my life once again. Nothing I said, nothing I felt, and nothing I did mattered anymore. I always thought an apology would make a difference, but it didn’t. I always thought the truth would make it better, but instead I would go to my grave with the real story behind why I left.
Chapter Eleven
Logan
“Sorry the flight I tried to get you in on got cancelled this morning. They didn’t want to fly with the weather, but I got you on a new one. Day after tomorrow at 4pm. Coming out of Heathrow. Landing at Atlanta International with a small layover and then back to JFK.”
“Thanks, Caroline,” I responded on auto-pilot. I had already been here long enough. Seeing London, having her in my arms like that had kept me up all night while the rain poured all over the city. I even contemplated going to see my dad as self-punishment.
“What are you going to do today?” she asked, and I pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it. Had she really asked me that? I stayed silent as I put the phone back to my ear. “I just want to make sure you weren’t planning to see London, the woman, not the city.”
“So, what if I was?”
“You don’t see what I see,” she replied sharply. Caroline never interfered in anything personal about me, but after Georgia, it seemed she wanted to be in control of my social calendar. They would one day write books about her type of obsession.
It all started with a blow job in Atlanta
“What is it you think you see?”
“I see the woman who still holds your heart by the dagger she stabbed it with.”
“I think you need to have your vision checked,” I sarcastically replied.
We would always have our time in the orchard among other things, but those memories were in the past where they needed to be.
“Even if that were true it wouldn’t matter because I don’t want my heart back. I don’t want anything except to wake up in the morning, fly my plane home, and get blown. I will be the same asshole I was yesterday and the day before no matter what happens here.”
“Just be careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt,” Caroline tried to give me that olive branch of friendship, but of course I shut her down.
“Goodbye, Caroline.”
I looked around my yellow wallpapered hotel room and decided it was now or never. If I was going to see my dad, I needed to stop pussy footing around and just do it.
Unfortunately, now that my ex was fresh in my mind I had to climb into the shower and try to scrub hard enough that any remnants of London would be gone. I needed complete focus to go see my father, but it didn’t work.
When I closed my eyes, and turned my mind off, I could still smell her lavender hair. I could still feel her lying on my bare chest as her warm breaths caressed my skin. I still felt her hand exploring every inch of my abdomen. Her cobalt eyes, that showed me that with me she had no fear. I could still see that curious look on her face when she internally questioned how far we were going to take our outings.
My cock grew hard and the woman I loved to hate became someone I wanted. I stroked my length in my hand as I saw her face in my mind. I imagined her swollen, pouty lips that would smile after I kissed her hard and fast. The same ones that were eager to taste every bit of me and left me craving more from last night.
I grew more aroused imagining she was on her knees in the shower with me as I tightened my hand and roughly caressed myself. I swelled as the heated water cascaded down my face. Then I realized what I was doing, and quickly let go of myself, turned the water to ice cold, and put my forehead against the wall allowing the chill to take away temptation as I struggled to catch my breath.
I knew I would be feeling the pain of blue balls soon, but I would never allow myself the joy of having her fresh in my spank bank. The only thing I needed to remember about her was the look on her face when she told me there was someone else. I wanted to bury the memory of what it felt like to be with her under a tirade of women who could never measure up to her.
I got out of the shower, dried off, and got dressed into a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt with some band on it. It was just enough to irritate my dad. If it wasn’t a suit and tie, then you were underdressed and looked slightly like a homeless man in his opinion.
I put on my low quarter leather boots and wondered if going to see my dad was a good idea. Now that London had successfully encroached her face into one of my favorite extracurricular activities I was a little shaken, but more than that, I wanted her to feel my wrath as I pounded my cock into her apologetic mouth.
I reached over, and a picture of London fell out of my wallet. It was from the night I unknowingly risked and lost everything, but that smile upon my face told the tale of a boy who had no idea that the girl he took out to the orchard that night would turn out to be a villain.
I crumbled her picture and threw it in the trash. Then I grabbed my phone and
called Lisa. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind.
“Hey stranger,” she answered on the second ring.
“I need a reality check,” I exhaled the deep breath I had just taken.
“Hang on, I will go get her,” Lisa laughed. Then I heard Ada asking who it was.
“You’re going to be late again, aren’t you?” She asked as she took the phone.
“No, I am actually trying to get home earlier, but the weather has been holding up the flights,” I replied as a smile crossed my face. I loved her personality.
“Maybe its not the weather that keeps you out, but Mother Nature punishing you for blaming the weather,” she turned that on me in an instant.
“I promise if I am ever late it will be because of the weather. Your mom can show you on the internet.”
“Boys don’t call girls on the phone unless they want something,” she paused and I tried not to laugh out loud at how adult she sometimes sounded. “So, what do you want?”
“I was homesick and wanted to hear your voice.”
“You never get homesick,” she called me on my crap again. One day I hoped she grew up to be a person like Doctor Phil. Calling people on their stuff in an attempt to help them was a job title Ada would love to hold. “You sound sad. Is your trip bad?”
“No, I just ran into someone that I had hoped would have fallen off the planet, and I have to go see my dad before I leave even though we don’t like each other very much.”
“Logan, people don’t fall off the planet. Gravity keeps them grounded to their home. No matter where you go something is holding you to that noun.”
“Noun?” I asked.
“Gravity can hold you to a person, place, thing, or idea,” she answered showing that her mom had been using the flashcards to make her more intelligent than the other kids in her class.
“That is very true,” I laughed. “You are very smart.”
“Smarter than you,” she retorted sarcastically.
“How do you figure that?” I asked.
“Because I know the person you’re talking about is a girl and you’re her gravity,” Ada never hesitated to forget the sugarcoating on what she thought.
“What makes you think it’s a girl?”
“If it was a man you would have knocked him into the next planet or hit him with your plane, but boys can’t hurt girls. They aren’t allowed, so it has to be a girl, and she found you because you’re holding her to you.”
“Kind of makes sense, but it’s more complicated than that. Got any advice for when I see my dad?”
“Don’t be a donkey,” Ada replied. “And don’t tell him you can do magic because you kind of suck at it.”
“Thank you, princess Ada, you are, once again, saving my kingdom from being overran by stupidity.”
“Anytime,” she giggled and then yelled for her mom.
“Did you get what you needed” Lisa laughed when she talked into the phone.
“Not even a little, but talking to my partner in crime makes me feel better.”
“Go conquer the world Logan, and we will be here when you get back. I might be married to the panhandler she tried to get me to marry this morning, but we will still be here waiting to welcome you home.”
“Thanks Lisa,” I responded as I hung up. I looked down into the trash can at London’s picture and allowed myself to think about life back when we thought death was the worst thing that could happen to us. Back before we knew that heartaches came in all shapes and sizes.
Chapter Twelve
Logan - Before the heartache
I saw London as she ran down the hallway from the Priest’s office and immediately asked to be excused to go to the bathroom. I took off into the wood accented hallway and crossed the boundary of where no boys were supposed to go and walked into the white tiled bathroom.
“London,” I whispered as I heard crying coming from a stall.
“Go away,” she rasped out through tears. I opened the door to see her sitting sideways in front of the toilet. I slid down the stall wall beside her and waited quietly.
Within seconds, she leaned her head down on me and sobbed. I held her hand and we stayed there until the priest came looking. When he opened the stall door he saw London and I sitting there.
“Mr. Keenan, this is not a matter for a boy,” Father Ryan admonished me. “You need to leave or there will be punishment.”
“Then punish me,” I bravely told him. “Go read your bible and you will see that Jesus didn’t leave when people needed him. He died for us, and I would die for her. I am not vacating this room while she needs a friend, and there is not anything outside of an act of God that will make me leave.”
I turned back to London who was still crying on my shoulder even though my blue uniformed sleeve was drenched.
“Mr. Keenan, the only reason I am allowing you to be in here is because of the seriousness of the situation. I will grant you permission to take her outside. Let her get some air. Stay within view of Sister Mary out in the yard near the garden. Be back before lunch or there will be severe consequences.”
I nodded as I stood up and took London’s hand in mine. I heard her barely whisper a thank you to Father Ryan as we exited the bathroom. The thoughts rolling through my head were scaring me. Was she leaving? Had someone hurt her? Or something worse?
“I’m a little unsteady,” she sobbed as it seemed like she couldn’t find her balance through the emotional turmoil she was in.
“I’ll never let you fall,” I admitted, as I took her in my arms. We walked out of the school and through the orchard I usually chased her in. Playing hide and seek was all that there really was to do when surrounded by wide walls and thick gardens. We had playgrounds, but those were for the little kids.
“Do you believe in Heaven?” She asked when we sat under her favorite apple tree.
“I do,” I answered her as another tear fell down her face. I sat down beside her, and she leaned over laying her head on my chest. “Let me fix it, Londi. Trust me with whatever is wrong,” I pleaded.
“My mom is dead,” she bawled on my chest, as I wrapped her in my arms and held onto her tightly. I wanted to fix it, but I couldn’t. I had never felt so helpless and weak. I was just a friend and not a magician who could resurrect people.
“She’s in Heaven where there is no more pain. Where she can watch over you. Where she can be with you all the time,” I tried to console her, but she cried out of control.
“She was the only one who fought for me. The only one of them who wanted to keep me. She wanted me to stay home, but I had to go away because it wasn’t safe.”
“What happened?” I asked, hoping that getting her to talk about it would help.
“My aunt said some disease took her, but I didn’t even know she was sick. When Brooklyn visited earlier this year she never said a word about my mom being ill. They all hid it from me.”
“I’m so sorry, Londi,” I caressed her back as her blue eyes looked up at me. “Tell me what to do. Tell me how I can help?”
“Just hold me.”
“Always,” I replied as her cries softened. “You never have to ask for that. I’ve known from the moment you were mine that I would do anything for you.”
“When did you know I was yours?” She asked with something like comfort flashing behind her sadness.
“The first time I saw you.”
“Tell me the story,” she asked, and I gave her a soft smile with a nod. Then I told her the day my life changed for the better. I explained how she came in without any warning and with a breathless charm she stole my heart.
Chapter Thirteen
London
I stretched as a ship sounded and woke me from the peaceful slumber. I climbed out of the bed and walked over to the window to see the beautiful city that I loved growing up in as the sun was high in the sky - welcoming me to come out and embrace its rays before the rain tumbled down and covered her up.
I took a shower and
dressed in the clothes I arrived in. I must have been completely out of my mind when I packed because all I had in my bag was an old Santa sweater, a roll of toilet paper, a bottle of sprinkles, a roll of deodorant, a jar of strawberry jam, and a bikini bottom. I ignored my waiting messages and opened the weather app on my phone to see we were in a slight break in the rain. If I was going to go out, now was the time.
I thought about Logan and wondered if he really wanted to leave because he saw me after all this time. I questioned if he truly never wanted to see me again. I asked myself if I was really content with how things were left, but before I could finish my internal ramblings my phone rang.
“Do you know what, call me when you get there, means?” Kate, my sister’s best friend fumed.
“It’s a long story. When I finally got to a hotel with an opening I just wanted to sleep,” I tried to explain.
“You need to get off your ass and call your sister before she calls Scotland Yard,” Kate demanded, and I chuckled.
“Yes, mom,” I sarcastically retorted, but Kate didn’t find it funny. She seemed to lose more of her sense of humor - the bigger she got, the meaner she got.
“I’m serious, she’s going out of her mind right now. You can’t do this to her.”
“I’ll give her a ring right now,” I sighed and ended the lecture that was coming to call Brooklyn.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“What happened? Why haven’t you called?” She asked, and I smiled thinking this must be what having a family is like. Someone always worrying, always calling, and someone who cares.
“I got into it with some woman over Logan, and then I had to find a hotel. My head still ached so I decided to sleep it off. I just woke up a little while ago,” I decided the incident in the limo and outside the airport didn’t need to be rehashed. I knew what I had done to him and I didn’t expect forgiveness over night even though I had hoped for it.
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