by M T Stone
As their voices faded off into the distance, my thoughts turned back to the call from Jack. I tried to recall his exact words, but only remembered generalities. I’m sure he got back to the ship and realized it wasn’t going to be the same without me. The only other female onboard was Carla, who was a skilled massage therapist, but didn’t appear to be Jack’s type. I can’t imagine a guy like Jack would have much trouble meeting women, though - good looking and worth a couple billion dollars. Regardless of the reasons behind his prior hesitations, am I really prepared to walk away? In reality, my head hadn’t stopped spinning since the day we first met. I just need some time alone to think…
Somehow I knew that Jack was back in the building a full minute before smelling his cologne, hearing his voice, or feeling his touch. Something deep inside of me must have picked up on his energy, as I suddenly felt as if he were there. Glancing around the empty room, I blamed my overactive imagination and pushed my face into my hands. I’m a conflicted mess, I thought, as hot tears nestled in between my fingers. His presence grew stronger and I even thought that I smelled his familiar cologne. I’m completely losing it.
“I’m so sorry, Kate,” Jack whispered as he placed his hands on my shoulders.
I was so choked up that I kept my face buried and my shoulders began to shake as all of the emotions of the past few days continued to flow out of me in the form of tears. I don’t want him to see me like this, so weak and vulnerable. The fact that he had returned so quickly was almost as disturbing as how quickly he had departed. Seeing Jack was the last thing that I expected today. It’s more than I can handle right now.
Jack
Witnessing Kate’s reaction to my touch was more than a little disheartening. Never before had my mere presence caused a woman to break down and sob. I definitely fucked this up.
Not really knowing what to say, I simply caressed her shoulders as she continued to cry. Her shoulders shook repeatedly as she seemed to be releasing everything that had been bottled up inside.
After a couple of very long minutes she finally said, “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the one who’s been acting like a complete jackass. That’s why I’m here to ask for your forgiveness.”
Again, there was no reply, only continued sobbing.
“Come here,” I said turning her chair. I raised her to her feet and wrapped my arms around her. “I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you. I don’t know what else to say.”
As Kate began to quiet down, I once again whispered how sorry I was for leaving so abruptly. Drawing in the sweet smell of her hair and skin instantly ignited my senses. Feeling her firm, little body pressed against mine also stoked the already simmering carnal fire. There is nothing I would rather do right now than take her on the conference room table. That’s always been a fantasy of mine. Now is not the time to be having these lustful thoughts, however. I may need to cut back a bit on the testosterone supplements.
“It’s not so much that you left, but now I’m confused as to why you left. You made it pretty clear that you felt our relationship would hurt me in the long run,” she finally said, wiping away her tears.
“That’s true.”
“Then I don’t understand what Jayne could’ve said to change your mind.”
Her question caught me off-guard. I struggled to quickly come up with an answer. “It’s not so much that she changed my mind, but I started to re-evaluate everything after she asked me a simple question.”
“What was the question?” she asked still sniffling.
“What’s more important than love?”
The question appeared to have the same effect on Kate, as she looked me directly in the eyes for the first time since my arrival.
“What was your answer?”
“Nothing, which is the answer she knew that I would give her. Ever since she was a little girl, I’ve always told her that nothing is more important than love. That’s why she used it against me.”
“I’ve always thought that, too. The last couple of days, though, I’ve been thinking that maybe I was just in love with the idea of you. Maybe it was a combination of lust and excitement. Or maybe I have some serious daddy issues.”
“So you’ve been questioning your feelings for me?”
“Actually, I’ve been searching for ways to convince myself that I’m not absolutely in love with you. My life would be much easier if I was in love with someone closer to my age. I don’t want to end up like my mother, or Kristen for that matter. The thought of being childless and alone at that age terrifies me.”
“It scares me as well. I want you to have a fantastic life, even after I’m gone. There are no easy solutions, but none of us truly knows what the future holds. I never would have guessed that Eva would die before me. I always assumed that she would outlive me. Your mother married someone her age, but she still ended up alone. The future is pretty much a crap shoot.”
“That’s true I guess.” Her reply was followed by silent reflection as she wiped away the remaining tears.
“We don’t have to figure it all out right now. I just wanted to apologize and take you out for a nice dinner,” I said hoping to move past this tense situation.
“I definitely have to go home and freshen up before going anywhere,” she said with a subdued smile.
“You do that and I’ll pick you up at 6:30.”
“Alright. If you want to kill some time, Brandon and Brenda just left for cocktails. You could stop in and say hello.”
“Yeah, I already talked to them downstairs. I think that I’ll do that. Thanks for giving me a second chance,” I replied giving her another hug.
“Well there‘s still plenty to talk about. It’s not like we’ve resolved anything,” she replied in a more defensive tone.
“I know. I’m just glad you’re open to talking. See you at 6:30.”
I gave her a kiss on the forehead and departed before she had a change of heart. Our relationship was bound to have more obstacles than most, but at this point, I was willing to work through them one by one. Hopefully, she will be willing to do the same.
Kate
The whirlwind that had consumed my life recently was returning to full strength. My mind was in overdrive, trying to process everything as I entered the elevator and punched the lobby button. My heart had been slowly breaking over the past week, culminating with that gut wrenching letter and his hasty departure. The text that I sent him yesterday afternoon had accurately summed up my state of mind:
I’ve loved you since I met you and even though we’ll be apart,
there will always be a place for you deep inside of my heart.
Those weren’t random words, they were well thought out. I loved Jack, but I had already begun to accept the fact that I would no longer be seeing him on a daily basis. I knew that I would always love him, even though anything more than our brief love affair probably wasn’t in the cards. No one could ever take away my memories and they would simply have to be enough. Just as my mind was beginning to accept and make sense of the whole crazy situation… boom… he was back.
As I stepped out of the elevator, my phone buzzed. Once again, I had to wonder if there was some strange, magical connection between the two of us. It was a text from Jack.
It said: I’m not a poet, but here goes… I’ve loved you since I met you and hate the thought of being apart, facing the future without you would shatter my already weakened heart.
Weakened heart? Jack had told me that his doctor appointment had gone well. That his heart had checked out fine. Maybe he’s referring to it being weakened by Eva’s death. After getting into the car, I simply stared down at his message not knowing how I should reply. Finally, I decided just to go with my initial gut reaction; replying with five little words that had risen from my deepest core.
I couldn’t let that happen.
~~~
Chapter 4 – Dinner and Answers
Kate
After freshening up my face and a quick change of clothes, I spent a rather painful 20 minutes staring at the TV while my mind remained preoccupied with Jack’s latest text. If nothing else was resolved that evening, I at least wanted clarification on what he meant by his weakened heart. Normally I don’t obsess over things, but the strangest feeling had gone through me upon reading those words. It was if I had subconsciously known that something was wrong with Jack all along. Judging by the queasiness in the pit of my stomach, those words were more than a simple metaphor.
When the limo finally arrived, Jack greeted me with that charismatic smile and kiss on the cheek. He kept the conversation light on the way to the restaurant. He had once again connected with a famous London based chef and restaurateur who happened to be in town and would personally oversee the creation of our meals. Over-the-top once again, Jack. Mouthwatering as always, I enjoyed a Mediterranean Sea bass dish called Loup de Mer. Keeping with tradition, Jack ordered a highly marbled rib cap accompanied by butter poached lobster tail. It was a shimmering, decadent dish sure to be frowned upon by any reputable cardiologist.
Watching Jack eat his meal was akin to watching Mom’s facial expressions during her favorite Broadway play. Jack truly loved food and richly marbled beef was his quintessential dining experience. There was no way I could bring up the topic of his heart while watching this gastric symphony. That really does look amazing. He will never give up beef, regardless of any health issues.
Jack
It was a pleasure dining with Kate again. In some ways, it was as if nothing had ever strained our relationship. In other ways, it seemed like we were on our first date. Guarded conversation often followed by awkward periods of silence. Overall, though, everything went much more smoothly than I had expected. The conversation remained light and she seemed to be enjoying herself. I’ve really missed waking up to those beautiful eyes the past couple of mornings.
“Are you ready to discuss a few things?” Kate asked as we finished our entrees.
“Not here. I have a suite for the night. It will give us a little privacy.”
“Alright, but we are going to talk,” she smirked.
I have never been one who enjoyed having personal conversations in public. That’s why I chose a restaurant attached to a 5 star hotel. Having a room for the night would give us a place to relax and talk in private. I thought about booking one at the St. Regis again, but it seemed more appropriate to choose neutral ground, so I decided I would try a new place. Walking through the lobby, it was very apparent that they catered to Kate’s generation the same way that the St. Regis caters to the older generation. I want to be part of the younger generation again.
Kate
Jack’s suite was just as amazing as the one we had at the St. Regis, but totally modern instead of the European charm. It was called the atrium suite, so our living room was solid glass on all sides, including the ceiling. Having spent my entire life in the city, I had never seen a more spectacular view of the Manhattan skyline.
“Kristen suggested this place. She said the views alone were worth the price,” Jack told me as he led me toward the windows.
“She was right, it’s totally amazing.”
After another extended pause, Jack broke the ice asking, “What do you want to talk about first?”
“I think that we should start with the real reason why you ditched me.”
“First of all, I had always planned on leaving town the day the sale of the company closed. That plan was in place long before you and I met. As for the letter I wrote you, there are several reasons, most of which stem back to the fact that you are 27 years younger than me.”
“That fact has been obvious since day one, Jack. It feels like there is something else wrong.”
“The thought of leaving you prematurely is something I would have a hard time living with,” Jack replied with a tortured look on his face. “However, I feel incredibly lucky to have found another woman who makes me feel the way I did with Eva. When I got back to the ship, I immediately realized that I just couldn’t walk away,” he explained as tears began to mist his clear blue eyes.
“I know… there is nothing easy about this. Sunday morning, I knew that you were going to leave. I could just feel it deep inside of me,” I sobbed recounting that terrible morning. “I wanted so badly to tell you that I was willing to accept the consequences, even if it meant spending the rest of my life alone. If we only had 20 or 25 fantastic years together, it would be worth it.”
“If I could guarantee you 20 good years, I probably wouldn’t have hesitated. In fact, I would’ve even considered starting a second family with you,” he said as another wave of tears rushed to the surface.
I instantly felt a stabbing feeling in my chest and a pit in my stomach, as my heart sank. I knew that the text he sent me earlier had been in preparation of something he wanted to tell me. His weakened heart was for real. That’s why he had stumbled out of the shower that day and went to visit his doctor before going to Paris. Damn it!
“How bad is it Jack?”
“What?”
“Your heart.” As if he didn’t know what I was referring to.
“I’m not in imminent danger or anything, but my last heart scan showed continued deterioration.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked, feeling a sense of betrayal. I could’ve killed him for god sake!
“I didn’t tell you because I knew that things would change between us. I was having a great time with you and I didn’t want it to end. Some of those things you did to me were worth having a heart attack over.”
I felt my lips curl up a bit as I reflected upon those times. “Isn’t there something they can do for you?”
“It’s a rare genetic cardiomyopathy that runs in our family. My great grandfather was a dock worker who died at age 45, my grandfather built skyscrapers and he died at 53.”
“But your dad is still alive. How old is he?”
“He’s almost 70, but he hasn’t done much living in the last 30 years. He took our family history seriously getting annual checkups, taking every precaution, popping supplements like crazy, even avoiding alcohol and rich food. He also takes a nice, slow walk for two hours every evening to make sure he gets enough non-strenuous exercise. That’s not living, it’s just avoiding death. I’ve lived a much different lifestyle than him and apparently it has taken its toll. That’s why I decided to try testosterone therapy. I was tired of being tired. It’s not a solution, but at least it helps me feel better.”
“Is that safe with your heart condition?”
“After watching my father all of these years, I’m not interested in safety. My heart is dying. Next week I’m going to the Heart Institute in the Bahamas and talking to them about cardiac stem cell therapy.”
“Wow, isn’t there anything they can do for you here?”
“Sure, if I have a heart and lung transplant right now, before any further damage occurs in my cardiovascular system. They tell me I have an 85% chance of living 7 more years.”
“7 years?” I felt my heart sink again.
“They also gave me a 50/50 chance of living to age 60.”
“Wow that’s depressing.” I tried to be strong as tears welled up in my eyes.
“Now you know why I’ve given up on traditional western medicine,” he admitted to me.
“What can stem cells do for you?”
“There’s no guarantee, but if it works, my heart will begin to regenerate itself.”
“Then you could have a normal life?”
“I’m hoping for a better than normal life. There are some risks, though. That’s why I was trying to make sure that everyone was taken care of before I left town. I figured if something happened to me, it would be best if Jayne was with Julian and you were in a successful business with Brandon. I’m sorry everything was so orchestrated.”
“Actually, I’m a little relieved, Jack. At least now I understand why you were acting so strange. I was starting t
o wonder if you were losing it.”
“I know. I didn’t want to tell you about this until after I knew my prognosis. If the prognosis was bad, I could slowly die out of sight. If the prognosis was good, then I could come back and explain everything.”
“And what if I had fallen in love with someone else in the meantime?”
“That’s exactly why I’m standing here today. I couldn’t stand the thought of that happening. It’s a chance I wasn’t willing to take. I knew that I had to come back and lay all of the cards on the table.”
“I’m really glad you did. I would’ve been devastated if you went off and died on me. I’m not so sure I could’ve ever recovered from something like that.”
“Then I’m glad I made the right decision,” he replied squeezing me tight.
It was strange how so much energy could radiate from a man who was so sick. When he held me, I felt so safe and secure. It was unlike anything I have ever felt. With all of that positive energy, I couldn’t imagine that he wouldn’t respond well to whatever treatment he pursued.
Now I understand the dichotomy that surrounds Jack. He’s 49, but most people would look at him and think that he was in his late 30s or early 40s, but he always talked like his life was almost over. Until today, I never really made the connection that there was something terminally wrong with him. All of that extra testosterone must be doing a good job of masking his symptoms.
~~~
Chapter 5 – The Fire Rekindled
Jack
After hearing my explanation, Kate slowly seemed to come back to her normal self, but she was still disturbed by the thought of me going off to die without her. That wasn’t really my intent, but I can see how she could construe it in that manner. Standing there, holding her in my arms, I felt strong. I was prepared to use my resources to take on any health challenges that were in my future. The thought of spending the next 30 years with Kate had inspired me to go wherever I needed to go and do what needed to be done. I had lived with the knowledge of this genetic flaw for as long as I could remember and it was time to see if I could put it behind me for good.