“Ooh. Thanks,” Bev said, “but I can’t.”
“What a gentleman,” Barbie said appreciatively, then dug Bobby in the ribs.
“This is my friend Elliot.” Kate took Elliot’s arm.
“We’ve already met,” Elliot said. Kate raised her eyebrows. “Out in the reception area. Your friends are as unique as you are, Katie.”
“Oh, we’re very unique,” Bev said.
“Where’s Bina?” Kate asked Elliot out of the corner of her mouth. She scanned the room and saw Brice and Bina making their way toward the table.
Bev tugged on Kate’s elbow. “Hey, that guy with Bina, is he her date or what?”
Barbie raised her highly waxed eyebrows. “I love the tuxedo,” she cooed. “Armani.”
Kate had to smile. If Judaism was a religion to Bina, fashion had always been Barbie’s creed. And Kate remembered that Brice had predicted the impression he would make.
“But do you think Jack would approve?” Barbie asked. “I mean, he’s gone only a couple of weeks and she’s . . . Does he know?”
Kate shrugged. Let ’em guess. Keep ’em busy and distracted.
“His name is Brite or something,” Bev said, rubbing her belly.
“Brice,” Kate corrected.
“So, what’s this guy Brice’s sign, anyway?” Bev asked.
“I think he’s a Taurus, you’ll have to ask him,” Elliot said, holding out a chair for Kate, who was grateful to sit down. It was going to be a bumpy ride.
“Oh, Katie, a Taurus! Not for Bina!” Bev complained. “Dangerous while her fiancé is gone.”
“Oh, he’s a dangerous man,” Elliot agreed.
“Is he on the cusp?” Bev added, hopeful.
Kate didn’t need or want to explain that Brice was way over the cusp as a mate for Bina. “I think they’re just friends,” she said.
“That’s not what it looks like to me,” Barbie said as she joined Kate on her other side. “And he’s gorgeous. Like a GQ model. He’d be perfect for my cousin Judy. What does he do?”
“He’s an attorney,” Kate told Barbie.
“In a big firm or a solo practitioner?” Barbie asked.
“You’ll have to ask him.” Kate sighed. Same old Barbie. Putting everyone in boxes, fixing them up with one another. She turned to watch Brice and Bina, who were caught in the electric slide on the dance floor. She couldn’t help but smile a little at Brice’s artful moves as he sidestepped between the slides, dragging Bina behind.
“What happened to Michael?” Bev asked. “Is that all over?” Except Bev pronounced it “ohvah.” They all dropped final r’s and added inappropriate ones at the ends of words that didn’t have them.
But Kate didn’t have time to consider diction, because at that moment Bina and Brice arrived at the table. Bina said, “Hi there, everyone,” and sat down immediately without making eye contact. In fact, the only contact she seemed interested in was grabbing what would have been Jack’s waiting glass of wine with her right hand and pinning down Kate’s hand with her left. To Kate’s astonishment, she knocked back an entire glass.
“Hello,” Barbie said, but not to Bina. She leaned over the table and extended her hand to Brice while exposing more breast than most foldouts did and a lot more than Brice needed or wanted to see. Well, maybe she was trying to scoop him for her cousin, Kate thought charitably.
Meanwhile, Bina picked up Kate’s wineglass and drank off half of that. Before Kate could say something to slow her down, eagle-eyed Bev noticed. “Since when do you drink? Capricorns don’t drink!” she cried.
“Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose,” Kate said, surprising herself. Obviously her encounter on the terrace had had an effect after all.
“What?” Barbie and Bev asked in unison. Kate just smiled and shrugged.
“Bobby, Johnny, this is my friend Elliot, and this is Bina’s friend Brice,” Kate said to the men, interrupting a deep conversation about the pros and cons of moving some football team to Dallas. “Elliot, Brice, meet Bobby and Johnny.” The husbands nodded a greeting in unison.
“What do you boys think of them moving the Rangers to Dallas?” Bobby asked.
“I’m not really into spectator sports,” Elliot said.
“Oh, I love football. Tight ends, wide receivers. You know,” Brice said, smiling at them.
For a moment, the two husbands looked confused. “You a Jets or a Giants fan?” Johnny asked, a little suspicion in his voice.
“Definitely a Giant. Love a ‘Giant’—”
“Brice!” Elliot said, trying to interrupt.
“—game,” Brice finished, and Kate let her breath out.
Bev and Barbie, now also totally confused, stared across the table and looked the two men over more carefully. Kate knew they were setting them up as potential husbands for their two poor, unmarried friends. Ha! When should she thwart them by breaking the news that Elliot and Brice were already married—to each other. But, as Kate hoped, they were at least temporarily distracted by their looks. Well, the delusion would do for now.
“What’s your sign?” Bev asked Brice.
“‘Do Not Enter,’” Brice replied, raising his eyebrows and smiling innocently.
Elliot, always ready with a peacemaking lie, smiled at Bev. “Oh, he’s a bull,” he said, and gave Kate a nudge under the table, as if she wouldn’t get the joke without it. On the other side, Bina was still clutching Kate’s right hand with her own.
“Hmm. A Taurus,” Bev murmured, reappraising him.
Meanwhile, Bina reached out and picked up the cosmopolitan Bev had refused. In another moment she’d gulped it down.
“Bina!” Barbie exclaimed. “What are you doing?”
“Yeah, you have to pace yourself,” Bobby advised.
Brice nudged his chair closer to Bina and took away her empty glass. They had created a Bina sandwich, insulating her from her friends. Bina reached out for Brice’s glass of wine. He paused for a moment, then shrugged and handed it to her. She downed it in a few breathless gulps. Bev and Barbie stared at Bina. Kate could see Barbie reevaluating Brice as a candidate for Judy.
There was a moment of complete silence. Then Barbie asked the dreaded question. “Bina, you have to tell us about Jack’s proposal. Let’s see the ring.” Kate clenched Bina’s hand and tried to change the subject.
“Look at the bracelet Michael gave me,” she said hurriedly, holding up her wrist for them to see the sad little silver chain and the thin charm that hung from it.
They barely glanced at Kate’s wrist. With her usual amount of discretion, Bev opened her mouth. “Yeah, what happened to Michael the doctor?” she wanted to know. “Bina told me about him.”
“Why isn’t he here? Is he gone already?” Barbie asked.
Kate shook her head. “He’s away at a conference. Elliot is a nice change.” Elliot and Kate exchanged looks of love. Barbie raised her eyebrows.
“What is Michael’s sign, anyway?” Bev asked.
“Well, I’m not sure, but I think it might be—”
“Wait a minute,” Barbie interrupted. “What’s going on here?” Kate watched suspicion bloom on her face. “Bina, the ring!” she exclaimed. Then suddenly, without a moment’s notice, Barbie reached across the table and grabbed Bina’s wrist, yanking her hand from Kate’s grip. There was a moment of total silence at table nine. Bina’s naked hand, still French manicured, lay like a dying whitefish on the hot pink tablecloth.
Chapter Fourteen
Where the hell is it?” Barbie demanded. “My father sold Jack a perfect stone.” She looked down at the ringless finger and then back up at Bina, whose face was scrunched up as she tried to hold back tears. “Wait a minute!” Barbie said as the light began to dawn. To her credit, there was true concern in her high-pitched voice. “Bina, is everything okay with Jack?”
Two waiters arrived and began distributing plates of chicken and vegetables. Kate hoped it would give Bina a distraction, but she paid no attention to
the bland food in front of her.
“Yes . . . in a way,” Bina managed. Bev and Barbie exchanged looks, then frowned.
“Okay. How is it okay?” Barbie pressed.
“Well, after his trip we’ll get . . . we’ll probably get engaged then, after—”
“I knew it!” Bev exclaimed. “Mercury is in retrograde!”
“Very true,” Brice said. “It’s affected my whole law practice.”
But the distraction didn’t work. “You lost him, Bina!” Barbie said. “After six years on the hook, you still couldn’t reel him in?”
“Barbie!” Kate remonstrated. Elliot put his arm protectively around Bina’s little shoulder.
“Oh, God! Are you holding up okay?” Bev asked with genuine sympathy.
“Yes . . . and no,” Bina said, and then began to cry outright.
“Well, is it yes or no?” Barbie asked.
“Looks like no to me,” Johnny said, pushing away his plate and rising. He shot a look at Bobby, who nodded, wolfed down one last forkful of chicken, and pushed back his chair. “Uh, we’ll get some drinks,” he offered, and he and Bobby abandoned the table.
“Honey, is there anything we can do to help?” Barbie asked.
“Well, I’ve been staying with Kate, and Elliot, Max, and Brice have been a major support,” Bina told her friends through her tears. “Look, I’m fine,” she began. “I cried for a little while, but now I have found”—she looked fuzzily at Brice—“a new focus.”
“Right!” Barbie chimed in. “Focus on the possibilities.” She smiled at Brice. “You miss one bus, there’s always another. A door closes and a window opens. You lose one house and you find one next door.”
“Wrong street,” Elliot muttered to Kate, who shushed him.
Kate couldn’t let the charade go on. “Brice and Elliot are here together,” she said.
“Well, we can see that,” Bev said.
“No, I mean they’re really together.” Kate watched as the realization of what she said slowly dawned on all of the guests around the table. Despite Queer Eye and Boy Meets Boy—or maybe because of them—the old Brooklyn crowd felt that gay was a reality, but only on TV.
There was a pause. At last Bev spoke. “No wonder you guys are so well-dressed.”
Barbie turned to Bina. “And just because you’re desperate now, showing up with these guys doesn’t mean there can’t be a—” she cleared her throat—“a straight guy in your future. No offense meant.”
“No offense taken,” Elliot assured them.
“Yeah, look at Bunny,” Bev said, waving her hand with its unbelievably long nails toward the bridal table. “Less than two months ago, she got dumped. Then she met her Arnie . . . and everything turned around.”
“I don’t want everything to turn around,” Bina sniffed. Kate was actually grateful for the wine Bina had consumed, because without it there would be floods of tears. “I want Jack. . . .”
Eventually the waiters returned and removed the dishes, replacing them with a limp salad. A waltz began, and the seductive swell of Strauss drew their gazes toward the dance floor. At first, Kate was glad of any diversion, but then she realized the only two dancers were Billy and Bunny, whom he was twirling expertly around the floor. Kate, along with every other woman in the room, admired his moves, his mastery, and all the rest of him. His grace made Bunny look good. Spontaneous applause broke out, and then other couples started to join them on the dance floor. Kate was about to casually ask about him when Bobby and Johnny finally returned to the table, carrying a tray full of drinks. Kate was thankful for hers but had trouble swallowing at the sight of Bina guzzling down a Jack Daniel’s with Coke.
“Oh, look at Bunny! Thank God she lost those last five pounds,” Barbie said. “I told her not to buy a size six when you’re an eight. It wasn’t like she had eight months to lose the weight. She’d been on the Häagen-Dazs diet after she got dumped the last time. Then bim bam boom, and she’s getting married.”
“It was in the stars,” Bev said dreamily.
Kate was distracted from the conversation as the waiter stepped in to pour coffee. “She bought the dress three weeks ago,” Barbie told them. “And they only got this date at all because another couple eloped. It’s too bad. If she had done some Pilates, she could have worn a bias cut. They’re big now.”
“Stop!” Kate interjected. “She looks beautiful because she’s happy.”
Brice looked out at the couples on the dance floor. “I’m not sure I like her dress, but I like her taste in grooms,” he said, snapping a Polaroid of Bunny and Billy as they passed by. There was greater interest and enthusiasm in Brice’s voice than Kate would’ve preferred, but it didn’t seem as if anyone else noticed.
“Oh, that is not her husband!” Barbie sneered. “That’s Billy.” Apparently a raw spot had been touched. “He’s the guy who dumped her, but he introduced her to Arnie.”
Kate leaned back to see around the waiter who was carrying the tray of dessert. Then, as clear as a movie flashback, Kate remembered the glimpse she had gotten of the man in SoHo, the one Bina had pointed out. Of course. She had seen him before.
“See, Bina? It could happen to you,” Bev said, her voice warm with encouragement. “I’ll do your chart and see what’s up. It could be a Taurus,” she added archly to Brice.
“And what a lucky Taurus he would be,” Brice said gallantly. He sat back in his chair and picked up the developed picture of Billy. “Ooh, pretty,” he said to himself, and slipped the photo into his pocket.
“Sure,” Bina slurred.
“One day dumped and the next engaged,” Barbie told her.
“I have not been dumped!” Bina exclaimed.
“Can you believe Billy’s actually the best man?” Barbie asked the table at large, apparently still stuck on the subject.
“Didn’t you date him right before you met me?” Johnny asked his wife. Bev blushed as she nodded that she had indeed dated the man in question. “I went out with him for a few weeks, right before we met, but it didn’t work out.” She leaned over and kissed her husband. “Anyway, he’s an Aries,” she offered by way of explanation.
“He’s an asshole,” Barbie clarified. “He’s the asshole who dumped Bunny.”
For once Kate was forced to agree with Barbie. Her assessment of the guy had been right: too good-looking, too facile, too smooth.
“Good old Billy,” Bina said, clearly close to drunk. “Let’s drink to ‘Dumping Billy.’”
“Dumping Billy?” Elliot asked with interest. “Why do you call him that?”
“Because he’s turned dumping women into a major lifestyle,” Barbie told him.
“He’s not really a bad guy,” Bev said. “It’s hard for an Aries to commit.”
Johnny snorted. “I can’t believe you actually dated him.”
“Well, I wasn’t the only one,” Bev replied, on the defensive, “was I, Barbie?”
“No,” Barbie said bravely, “Billy was the last guy I dated before I got married to Bobby. But he didn’t mean a thing to me. When I broke up with him—”
“Excuse me?” Bev asked. “Reality check. He broke up with you.”
“Whatever. He’s not really so terrible. He’s fun, and he’s got a great sense of style. It’s just that the word commitment isn’t in his vocabulary.”
Brice leaned across the table to whisper to Kate, “Elliot was so right. This is so much better than The Young and the Restless. But a lot less realistic.”
“That’s because soap operas are art, and this is not real life,” Kate told him. She didn’t even want to imagine the feedback she’d get from these two after this nightmare was over.
She looked over at Elliot, who had taken out a pencil and paper. “Let me see if I have all the facts right,” he said to himself. She wondered what in the world he could be up to. But before she got a chance to ask, Bina stood up unsteadily and decided that this was the moment to announce to the assembly just how unhappy she was.
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br /> “Ladies and gentlemen,” she said, “you are looking at Bina Horowitz, loser and future spinsper.”
“Spinster,” Brice corrected.
“Whatever,” Bina said, and tried to climb up on her chair. Elliot caught her before she fell, but he couldn’t stop her from raising her voice. “Single women can have children, you know. Not just Rosie O’Donnell. Michael Jackson did it, and he wasn’t even a woman. I’m a woman, goddammit!”
Despite the incredible din in the room, people were beginning to stare. Luckily, at that moment, the sound system crackled and Billy Nolan’s voice covered Bina’s.
“Excusez moi,” Billy tried once, and then tapped the microphone and said more loudly, this time in English, “Excuse me. Everyone?” The chattering continued until finally he tapped the microphone so firmly that the high-pitched squeal of feedback quieted the crowd. “Stop talking!” Billy nearly shouted at them all. It was a perfect opportunity to get Bina calmed down. Kate and Brice tried to take her by the hand as she resisted. Meanwhile, over the speakers Billy Nolan seemed to be having trouble of his own. “Jeez, I know it’s imp-possible for B-Brooklyn women to b-be quiet, b-but if you could just g-give a guy a b-break here.”
Kate cringed as he struggled to overcome his stammer. Kate looked down at the bracelet Michael had given her and sighed. Then she turned to see what Elliot thought of Billy, but he didn’t seem to be paying attention. In fact, he looked as if he were trying to solve a math problem. As the best man started to lift his glass in a toast, Elliot was scribbling frantically on his napkin with a pen.
“I raise my glass to Arnie and Bunny,” Billy began. “À vous, mes amis. Toujours l’amour.”
“Oh, Jesus,” Barbie spat, rolling her eyes, “he’s pretending to be French again.”
“Who in the hell does that guy think he is?” Bobby wanted to know. “Speak English!” he shouted from the table.
“Sorry”—Billy blushed—“English it is.” He took a deep breath and continued. “I, uh—I introduced Arnie to B-Bunny,” he said quickly. “I’ve known Arnie for years, and B-Bunny . . . well, I’ve known her, too!”
Kate frowned at the chorus of salacious hoots and catcalls that caused Bunny to blush and Arnie to hang his head. Kate wondered about Billy’s stammer. If he was putting it on, he was an even bigger asshole than she suspected. Fortunately he made the rest of his toast French free and brief.
Dumping Billy Page 11