Josh and Randi passed the backpacks out. Most of the children opened theirs right away, but Izzy and Chris sat holding theirs to their chests with tears flowing. Randi didn't want to embarrass them in front of everyone else, but needed to find out what was wrong. "Okay, guys. I hate to say this, but it's time to get to work." As everyone stood, she focused on Izzy and Chris. "Wait just a second. I'd like to talk to you."
She took them to the side where they could have a little privacy. "Are y'all okay?"
Izzy nodded. Chris continued to cry. "We ain't never got no presents before," he said between sniffs.
"Chris, watch your words." Izzy tapped his shoulder. "Don't use ain't."
"Sorry. We never got no presents."
"Chris, 'never got no' isn't right. We never got any presents." Izzy rolled her eyes. "He's still learning. My parents didn't talk so good, and I'm afraid we aren't good either, but we're trying."
"I'm sorry you've never gotten any presents, but aren't you going to open your gifts?"
Chris's eyes went wide. "There's more?"
"Open your backpack, baby."
He unzipped his backpack and peeked inside. "Izzy look." He showed her the open backpack. "I ain't never seen so much stuff."
Izzy blinked several times then patted her brother on the back. "Run along outside, and I'll be there in a minute." As soon as he scooted out the door, Izzy hugged Randi. "Thank you. He's never had anyone treat him nice."
Randi hugged the girl. "Yours has presents in it, too."
"I know, but Chris is still a baby and to see him get treated well, it makes me happy."
Randi watched Izzy leave. She turned around to find Adriana watching her. Great. Would she berate her over the kids missing Leon?
"You're a good person."
Randi's mouth went dry. How was she supposed to respond? She scanned Adriana's face for any hint of sarcasm.
"I know I've been mean to you." Adriana touched Randi's cheek. "I'm sorry. Life's been hard since this started, and with losing Leon, I guess I wanted someone to blame. I had no right to take it out on you. You're the only one in this whole group who would think to do something for Christmas. The rest of us have been so focused on our own discomforts that we forgot we needed to make a life for all of the youngsters living here." Adriana pulled her into a hug. "Can you ever forgive me?"
"There's nothing to forgive." Randi blinked. She should've taken better care of Leon, then Adriana, Tommy, and Lori would still have him here with them. She stepped out of her sister's embrace.
"Yes, there is." Adriana swiped at tears. "When Leon died, it hurt. More than anything I ever could've imagined, but I know," she tapped her chest, "I know deep in here you aren't responsible. You loved my husband, and you hurt as much as the rest of us when he died, but I denied you time to grieve because I attacked you. I love you, Randi. I always have. I've not been the big sister you needed. Ever. I'm sorry and intend to change."
Josh hadn't had the chance to talk to Xever in a while. He trudged across the hard, cold ground toward the back tower. Xever sat at the long counter with his binoculars watching over the rear of the complex.
Xever looked up. "Hey."
"Hey yourself." Josh pulled up a chair across from the older man. "I wanted to talk to you."
"Yes?"
"It's about Randi."
Xever's face contorted. "I'm afraid I won't be much help there, but I'll try."
"You know she has horrible nightmares. I've tried to get her to talk to me about them, but you know Randi."
"Unfortunately. She carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and refuses to talk to anyone." Xever sipped his water. "I'm afraid we, her family, haven't been much help. We still see her as the silly little girl who was so overly melodramatic. Would you talk to your family if they treated you as you were when you were a teenager?"
"Have you ever talked to her about Raul? I mean one on one. Have you told her you're sorry? How much it breaks your heart what you did to your son? To her and the rest of the family?"
"No." Xever closed his eyes. "How could I? Every time I look at her, I see the anger, hurt, and disgust in her eyes. I deserve her ire, but if I tried to talk to her, she might refuse to listen. What if she blows up at me?"
"If she blows up, loses her temper, screams and yells, at least she'll be dealing with her pain. Right now, Raul's death, among other things, is eating her alive inside. She can't believe God would ever want her. She thinks she's too far gone for redemption." Josh pinned Xever with a stare. "If her own father won't have a serious discussion with her, how do you expect her to ever feel like she's worthy of talking to her Heavenly Father?"
"I'm not the reason Randi rejected God."
Josh raised his eyebrow. "That's not what you said when we first talked about this. You said after Raul's death, she grew distant."
"But she can go to God with or without me talking to her."
Josh clenched his jaws. Xever was more stubborn than Randi. "Xever, are you afraid of her? What's it going to hurt to talk to her? Clear the air and help get rid of some of the simmering resentment?"
He stared out the window. Josh wanted to bang his head against the wall. "I can't make you do what is right, but you know as well as I do God expects you to work things out with your daughter."
"I know."
"I'm going to get her, and I expect you to talk to her." Josh stared at him for a couple of moments. "Are you going to talk to her when I bring her in here or make me look like an idiot?"
Xever sighed. "Fine. I'll talk, but that doesn't mean she'll listen."
Josh clenched his hands into fists. Tapped his fingers against the countertop. "Man, you don't know if she'll listen. You've never even tried to talk to her. Think about her feelings. I know it eats at you that you were responsible for Raul's death, but your family has to deal with their loss. If you've never talked to them one on one, how do you expect them to deal with it?"
Xever stared at the floor. Josh made a growling noise as he stormed out the door. The man was going to talk to Randi if it was the last thing he did.
He tromped down the stairs to the basement. Randi sat on a stool watching Uncle Reginald, Miguel, and Cooper work. "Hi."
"Hey Randi, could you come with me for a bit?"
"Sure." She hopped off the stool, removed her hazmat suit, and joined him. "I don't have to shower because I'm not doing anything except watching, but Reg insisted on the hazmat suit as an added layer of precaution."
"Don't blame him." The chilly wind hit them as soon as they stepped outside. He led her towards the tower. "Your dad needs to talk to you."
"Everything okay?" She narrowed her eyes and cocked her head to the side. "Did he see something?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"I'll let him tell you."
They walked through the door, and Xever pursed his lips as he glared at Josh. If the old man got angry, he could get over it. The tension running through the camp because of her resentment toward him wasn't good for anyone.
"You wanted to see me?"
"Yes." Xever pointed to the chair. "Have a seat. Josh thinks we need to talk."
She took a seat, crossed her arms, and pressed her lips together.
Josh headed toward the door, but Xever's voice stopped him. "Josh, please stay with us."
Not a good idea, but the pleading look on Xever's face halted his negative response. He moved to the back of the tower out of Randi's line of site and leaned against the wall.
"We need to talk about Raul."
"No."
"Sweetheart, I know you resent me. You have every right to, but you need to remember, I lost a son that day. My oldest boy."
"No, you killed your son that day because alcohol was more important to you than your family. You think because I was only five that I don't remember you coming home in a drunken stupor? You mistreated all of us when you drank." Her voice shook. "Do you believe I don't remember you hitting Mom? Calling her vil
e names? When Raul tried to intervene, you backhanded him. He lost teeth. You were a mean, vicious drunk, yet you loved your alcohol more than you loved your family. Now you think Adriana, Miguel, and I should just forgive and forget everything? How can we? You've never even apologized to us for the abuse."
Xever stared at the floor.
"Really? You've got nothing to say to the daughter you said you wish had died instead of Raul? I heard Mom talking to you on the phone when you were on prison. She didn't know I was on the other line. You were crying about killing your boy, and you said, 'Why couldn't it have been Randi? I could've lived with that.'"
She sat there for a few seconds. "That's what I thought. Nothing's changed."
Randi stood, but Josh put his hand on her shoulder. "Xever, really? You have nothing to say? She's fixin' to walk out of here with more resentment, anger, and hurt than she had when she came in. Say something."
"What can I say?" Xever raised his head. Tears flowed down his cheeks. "Everything she's said is true. I'm filled with shame and sadness for the hurt I heaped upon my family." He looked at Randi. "I said the same things about Adriana and Miguel, but you must know, had it been you or one of the others I had killed, I would've said the same thing about Raul. I was a drunk. An evil, sick man who had trouble loving anyone. I don't wish you had died instead of Raul. In a just world, I would've died, not my son. Baby, I'm so sorry for all of the hurt I've caused you. Starting with the horrible things I did before Raul died, his death, and the mean things I said about my children. I'm so sorry you heard this bitter old man's comments. I didn't mean it. If I didn't have you in my life, I don't know what I would do."
"Then why didn't God take you and allow him to live?"
"I don't know."
"Why didn't He take me and allow Leon to live? He had a family and deserved life. You talk about justice, but you and your God have a warped sense of justice."
"Randi, why do you think you're so worthless?" Xever attempted to put his arm around her shoulder, but she stepped away. "I did this, didn't I? My careless, meaningless words burrowed into your heart and made you feel as though you don't deserve to live." He pulled her into his arms and held on despite her struggling to move away from him. "My sweet, sweet girl, you are strong, capable, loyal, and loving. God spared you because He knows we need you. You're our rock. Don't you see that?"
"But He takes everyone I love."
"No. I took Raul's life. My sin and nothing else is responsible for that. Man's sin took Aaron from you. Without sin, we wouldn't have war. Man's sin took Leon. Please stop blaming God for what evil men do."
She stared at him. "I'm evil. I've done things that haunt me."
"Was it during the war?"
She nodded.
"War is evil at the heart."
Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I killed a young girl."
Xever held her tighter. "I'm so sorry."
Tears stung Josh's eyes as he watched Randi and Xever's hearts rip open. He should slip out the door and quit intruding on their private moment, but he couldn't bring himself to leave.
"She came into the marketplace. I saw the bomb in her wraps and had no choice. Why would God make me an executioner of children? She haunts my dreams. I see her face even when I'm not sleeping. Why did He do that to me?"
"He didn't. Man did. Men made that child a suicide bomber. You must know God hates the sin that caused you to kill her, but He doesn't love you any less. You're His precious princess, and He will love you to the end of the time." Xever tipped her tear-soaked face up so she had to make eye contact with him. "I love you. I will love you until the day I die, and I plan to spend the rest of my short life proving to you that the man who killed Raul died, and a man who loves his Lord, and his family took his place."
Randi rubbed her eyes as she walked into the RV. Nia was on KP today, so she could have some privacy unless some of the children decided to come play games.
She went back to the bedroom and shut the door. Her father had insisted that God loved her even after she told him about killing the girl. She hugged her arms around herself. Her father had even told her he loved her. Could he be right?
Her head hurt. All of the thoughts whirling about in her mind confused her. A knock sounded on her door. Ugh. Why couldn't the world leave her alone long enough to figure out what she should do?
She opened the door. Ethan smiled. "Hey darlin' I wanted to check on you."
"I'm okay." She led him to the sofa in the living room and flopped down. "Just have a lot on my mind."
"Anything I can help with?"
"No." She closed her eyes for a second, then looked at Ethan. His kindness and easygoing attitude made her want to tell him everything "Yes, you can listen. Dad and I had a long talk."
"Do you think you can forgive him for killing your brother?"
"I'm trying, but it's hard." She rubbed her eyes. "Of course, by not forgiving him, I'm such a hypocrite. I've done so many unforgivable things myself. What right do I have to refuse to forgive?"
"Like what?" Ethan rubbed her arm.
"I was engaged to a guy in my outfit. We were in a foxhole together when he died in my arms. She picked at her shirt hem. "I was so angry, I cursed God. I told Him that I didn't want Him in my life. Of course, I'd walked away from Him when I was a teenager, but I'd never cursed Him. Not like I did that day." She looked at Ethan. He didn't have a disgusted or shocked look on his face, so she decided to continue. "I was injured so I went to a hospital stateside for a while, but the injuries didn't get me booted home, so I wound up back in action.
"I told you about killing the young girl."
Ethan leaned forward.
"I didn't sign on to kill babies. A few weeks after killing her, we invaded a town where young men, nothing more than teens, were armed. I participated in killing even more children. Then after I came home, the world went to hell. My brother-in-law was shot when he and I were on a run. I couldn't protect him. Not to mention all of the people I've killed here, and I'm training our children to be warriors just like those teens I killed. How am I supposed to live with this? How is God supposed to forgive me? Why would He want to after the way I treated Him?"
Ethan watched her for a moment. "Do you want to hear my opinion?"
"Yes. Even if you are repulsed by me and think I don't deserve to draw another breath, I want to hear it."
"Darlin', you know that's not true. You're human. You were in war. Ugly things happen in man's war. That's why we have men and women who came home with PTSD, missing limbs, burns, or in body bags. You did some horrible, but necessary things in war. Just as now. We do detestable things like arming our children, but we have no choice. You asked how God can forgive you. That's not a valid question. He assures us that He will always forgive us. He gave us His Son who died for us. Jesus knew what He was doing when He went to the cross. He paid for all of your sins before you ever committed them. You only have to accept that forgiveness."
"But why? Why would He forgive me?"
"Let me rephrase it. Do you think you're so far gone that you don't deserve the forgiveness that He offers to everyone, and I do mean everyone? Are you something so special that you're different?"
"There's nothing special about me." She frowned. "Why would you ask that?"
"Because, as I told you yesterday, you seem to think that you're the only person in all of eternity that cannot have forgiveness."
Randi frowned then laughed. "When you put it like that, I guess you're right."
"All you have to do is accept Jesus' gift of forgiveness and salvation. Then you can develop your relationship with Him."
"How?"
"Accept forgiveness?"
"Yes." Randi closed her eyes. "When I don't deserve forgiveness, how do I accept it from Jesus?"
"Darlin' none of us deserve it. You just tell Him you'll take that forgiveness and say thank you. Can't get any simpler."
"Once I do that, how do I develop a relationship as you said?"
"Read and study the Bible. The more you delve into it, the more it makes sense."
"You make it sound so easy."
"It is."
Randi closed her eyes and prayed for the second time in years. She poured her heart out to the Lord. Who would've ever thought she would pray? A relationship with God was the last thing on her radar since Raul died. She looked at Ethan who'd sat quietly while she spent time in silent prayer. Tears filled her eyes once again. "I don't even have a Bible to start studying."
He kissed her knuckles. "I don't have one to give you, but going to your dad's sermons is a good start."
She sucked in a deep breath. "I need to learn to let go of my animosity toward him."
"Yes, but it's going to take time. Don't beat yourself up if you think you've forgiven him, and the next thing you know, you're full of rage again. I'll bet if you asked your mom, she would tell you she still has moments where she must stop and work on forgiving him again. It's part of being human."
"Thank you for being my friend." Randi stared at her hands. "When I came back from the Middle East, I'd lost touch with my old friends. You can't imagine how alone I was. No friends, a bad relationship with my only sister, a brother who was never around because of school, and a strained relationship with my parents. Who would've thought it would take a zombie apocalypse for me to have good friends?"
Chapter 12
Bryan watched the traffic around the camp. They'd brought a new woman into the fold without any problems. In fact, they welcomed her and her animals into the group. Vixen kept saying they were evil, mean people, but from what he'd seen, they welcomed people in and cared for them as their own.
The more he watched, the more he felt his insane leader was lying. What did she have against Reginald? Other than the fact he didn't want to stay in her insane town of automatons.
His hands tightened on his weapon, and he lifted his chin. The woman wanted to bring her minions to attack this group. A group that seemed to welcome people in, no matter their race or ethnicity.
Movement in the yard caught his eye. Mary Anne and Reginald walked to the bridge. They reached the middle of the bridge and stopped. She slipped her arms around him and planted a blush-worthy kiss on the man. Sure didn't look like a woman being held against her will unless she was the world's most incredible actress.
Inquisition Page 11