by Laura Carter
The only sound is the gentle rolling of waves in the distance and the cracking of wood from the fire. Jess gets up from her rug and comes to stand in front of me. She holds out a hand for me to take and pulls me to my feet. As she does, she tells me, “Now is as good a time as any to talk it out, Jake.”
I know she’s right but it doesn’t make me want to deal with it any more. I sigh and she reaches a hand to my cheek. “Go. If not for her, go for you.”
I drop a kiss to her brow and head down to the water’s edge, catching up to Emily, who is walking the water line, rather than heading home. She must hear me but continues her strolling pace, staring out toward the half-moon, its reflection glowing on the water’s surface.
We walk until the light from Drew’s place and the glow of the fire are distant behind us. There’s no one on the beach except us. The other beach front properties are in darkness. I’m used to being only with Emily. I’ve spent half my life alone with Emily. But now, in this moment, I don’t know how to be around her.
Eventually, she breaks the silence. “I’m sorry, Jake.”
“You’ve said that.”
She stops and turns on the spot, holding my arms so that I face her. “And now I want to talk about what happened.”
“Why, Ems? Why discuss it three years on?”
She pushes her hands into my hair and grips, like she used to when she was mad at me. “You’re a stubborn ass—do you know that? I want to talk about it, Jake, because I want you back in my life and this is the only way I can think to make that happen. I miss you. I miss you like crazy. Not speaking to you has been like someone amputating my right leg.”
“Why your right leg?”
She laughs and I’m grateful to take the somber look from her face and the tears from her eyes. “Any limb,” she says. “Take your pick.” She draws in a slow, heavy breath that makes her chest visibly rise. “I slept with your best friend. I know we hurt you and I’m sorry. But there’s nothing I can do about it.”
I take a step back from her. “Ems, you were my best friend. My two closest friends were fucking each other behind my back and lying to my damn face about it. I knew things were changing between us. I thought that meant one thing and I realize now, things were becoming awkward because you were fucking lying to me. Twenty-two years, Emily. I’d known you for almost twenty-two years. I’d picked you up when you’d fallen. I’d dried your eyes when you cried. I would have done anything for you. I fucking adored you. And the whole time…the whole damn time, you were lying to me!”
She swipes her hand across her cheek and I have to fight the urge to pull her into my chest. I never have been able to stand seeing her tears. “I know, Jake. But I, we, didn’t lie to hurt you. We lied to keep from hurting you.”
My anger builds until I’m dragging a hand through my hair and pulling so hard it hurts. “Do you have any idea how much it killed me to walk into your room and see you two screwing? In the apartment we shared? In the bed I’d slept in with you?”
“It’s not like I hadn’t walked in on you screwing people, Jake. I mean, Jesus, do you think that wasn’t hard for me? There was always some girl. Someone else. Like I wasn’t good enough for you.”
“That’s not fair. That’s when we were just friends. From the moment I thought there was something more between us, there were no other girls. Brandon knew, Emily. He knew how I felt. He knew that when I walked into your bedroom that night, I was going to ask you to be with me. To be mine. And the whole time, while he listened to me tell him how I felt, while we hung out together and I thought we shared everything, you two were at it.”
She steps toward me. Close enough I can smell her scent. So close her hair blows against my face. “You were going to ask me to be yours?”
“Yes, Emily. I wanted to always be with you.”
She closes her eyes and presses her palms to my chest. I watch her lips as they part and have the urge to kiss her. I don’t have to fight my own want because her eyes spring open and she presses her mouth to mine. She looks into my eyes as I bring my hands to her face and slowly, tentatively, move my lips over hers.
She steps back abruptly, breaking our contact and covering her lips with her fingertips. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
I don’t have time to respond because she turns and runs back to her house. I don’t follow her. I face out to the moon, my hands in the pockets of my jeans, my mind racing with too many thoughts to process.
Why did she kiss me? Did I kiss her back? Would I have kissed her if she hadn’t got there first? Does she want me like that? Do I want her like that? Is she still the Emily I thought I knew? Am I the same Jake?
The only two things I do know are: one, I loved seeing her tonight, like old times; and two, I feel guilty as hell that that kiss just happened when Jess is yards away. What I don’t know is why I feel so damn guilty…but I do.
I turn to face the two houses. I could go to Emily. Talk it out. Work out what the hell that kiss meant to her.
Or, I could go back to Jess.
Chapter 10
Jake
God, she looks beautiful when she sleeps.
I took my time walking back along the beach, feeling every grain of sand falling between my toes, trying to decide which direction to turn.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at Jess’s soft cheeks, her closed eyelids, the way she looks so small curled beneath the sheets, I think I made the right decision. Emily isn’t just in my past. If I’m honest with myself, I’ve never wanted her to be. I felt like I had no choice but to cut her out of my life. But whatever comes of tonight, whatever happens between us, Jess is definitely my present and my future. She knows the Jake I am now better than anyone else. I know her. And I love that I do.
All of this brings back the guilt I felt on the beach.
I shouldn’t feel guilty. We’re not together in that way. She’s too afraid to go there. And, damn it, so am I. Regardless, my stomach is wound as tight as a knot.
I go to the bathroom and shower. I rub my hands over my face under the hot water, lingering on my lips. Last time Emily kissed me like that I was making love to her. It was seven years ago.
I open my eyes, shut off the shower, and wrap a towel around my waist. I’m overthinking this. I’m overthinking it because I’m drunk. It was an emotionally charged situation. Nothing more.
I clean my teeth and head back into the bedroom. I pause one more time, taking in Jess, the way her hair fans across her pillow. The way the moonlight shines through the open window and highlights the natural tones of brown, the skin of her neck. And, because I’m drunk, I have the urge to kiss her right there, to nibble her skin and whisper the things I want to do to her. Damn that sweet body.
This isn’t the part of the story where I confess to being into necrophilia. I’m not. At all. But I do feel like holding Jess will somehow make sense of things for me. Or at least put off the confusion until tomorrow.
I lift the sheet and slide out the spare blanket she’s rolled and put down the middle of the mattress. She’s persistent, I have to give her that. But I’m more persistent.
I lie back on top of the sheets in my towel and prop myself up on one elbow. I don’t mean to disturb her and I fight the desire to trail my fingers down her bare arm.
“Are you watching me sleep?” Her eyes are still closed as she speaks.
I chuckle. “Yes.”
“Weirdo.” She rolls over so she’s facing me, matching my pose. “You have to stop removing the blanket from the bed.”
A smirk tugs at my lips. “I just figured, since we’ve both been drinking….”
“I’m going to take a wild guess that your mind is racing right now.”
“A little.” Do I tell her about the kiss? “She apologized.”
Jess nods but stays silent. Eventually, she speaks, calmly, wit
h reason. “I watched the two of you together tonight. It was nice, seeing you laugh and be happy with her. You’re yourself around her.”
“I’m myself around you too.”
She smiles, softly, and reaches for my hair, stroking it back from my temple. “I know you are. That’s why I also know you and Emily would hate to lose each other. She’s important to you and you have a bond, Jake. Connecting with someone like that is special.”
I take her hand in mine and bring it to my lips. “But now I have you.”
“The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive, Jake. I will be your friend no matter what happens between you and Emily. I will always, always be here for you.”
It warms me to the core that she means that. I know she means it because I can’t imagine ever not having her in my life either. But that friend word hits me somewhere new, or in a new way. And what is confusing as shit is that she and Emily would both fit that term. Yet I can’t decide which one of them fits it best.
“That’s a lucky thing, babe, because you’re never getting rid of me.”
“Even if I fucked one of your best friends?” She laughs and for some damn reason, I see the humor in her words too.
“That’s close to the bone.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not. You think you’re hilarious.”
“Not true. I know I’m hilarious.”
I shake my head. Then I bring her hand to my mouth again and tell her, “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being able to see that I needed to speak to Emily. For pushing me to do it. We can’t get three years back, and I’m not sure where we go from here, but you were right about us needing to talk. I realize now that I’ve missed her, you know.”
“Well, you’re welcome. Although, I’m sure you would have gotten there on your own eventually.”
“Nice to do it before I’m gray though, huh?”
She nods.
“Now, about this screwing my friends thing… What was going on with you and Marty tonight?”
“Marty? I spoke to Marty as much as everyone else. Aww, are you worried I’m going to get myself a new friend and replace you, Jakey?”
There it is again, that fucking alien feeling in my gut. I don’t like it.
“Just watch your back, all right?”
“I don’t need to watch my back, Jake. I know you have it.” She leans forward, bites the tip of my nose, then rolls back over. “Since I’m boozed, you might as well give me a cuddle.”
I slip the towel from around my waist and slide under the sheet, tugging her back into me.
“Seriously, Jake, it’s one thing having you spoon me with my knickers on but if that tail gets lost in the night…”
I bury my laughter in her neck. Then I breathe in her natural scent and close my eyes, forgetting everything else.
Her breathing starts to calm, taking mine with it. I wonder whether she’s already asleep until she says, “Elvis, huh?”
“The King,” I tell her, absentmindedly dropping my lips to her shoulder. Her next breath leaves her like a soft sigh. Then the sound of waves is all I can hear.
* * * *
“Losers buy the first round of drinks tonight. And mine will be expensive,” Sarah says, standing in the middle of the circle the rest of us have formed around her on the beach.
She and Brooks measured sixty yards and marked start and finish lines in the sand. By the time Jess and I got up this morning, it had been decided that we were playing beach games today. Personally, I’d have been happy staring at Jess half naked by the pool again but I guess the wheelbarrow race works too.
“What are the teams?” Drew asks.
“You choose a partner. Teams of two, obviously,” Sarah says.
“How about it, Jess?”
I snap my head to glare at the smug bastard that is Marty. Jess glances to me and shrugs. “Erm, yeah, su—”
“Jess already has a team,” I all but growl. Yeah, my inner caveman has showed up. We might just be friends, but she’s not teaming up with a guy like Marty. He’s fucked half the women in New York. And there’s no chance I’m letting him get his filthy dick anywhere near the place mine calls home.
As the others pair off in twos, Sarah clips Marty around the ear. “You’re with me. And I swear to God, if you perv on my legs, I will cut off your balls and fry them like bacon.”
Jess laughs and heads to the start line with Sarah. I put a firm hand on Marty’s shoulder, holding him back. Leaning into his ear, I tell him, “Rein it in, Marty, or you and I are gonna have a big problem.”
“Shame. I was looking forward to holding her legs and riding the barrow.”
It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to punch the dick right up in his barrow.
We take our positions at the start line and Jess bends to all fours. Hell, there was no way I was letting Marty have this view. Jess lifts a leg up to me. Her cut-off Daisys barely cover the bottom of her ass cheeks. I take hold of her legs and slide my hands along her bare skin.
“Damn it, Jess, I think I need you to get drunk tonight.”
She glances over her shoulder, the way she does when we’re doing doggy-style, and looks right at me. She winks and I swear my cock winks right back at her.
From her upside-down position, Sarah calls, “Three. Two. One. Go.”
We set off, Jess wobbling on her arms as I drive her forward from behind. I glance left and see Edmond and Aimee, Sarah and Marty, and Drew and Becky are all in various stages of collapse and irrecoverable fits of laughter. But Brooks and Izzy are going strong. Damn those two and their bloody fitness regimes.
“Come on, Jess. They aren’t fucking beating us. We’re the best goddamn team I know.”
As if my angry pep talk worked, she’s suddenly straighter and stronger and we’re charging to the finish line. Then Izzy topples and I’m so busy gloating that I let Jess topple too.
“Piggybacking it!” Brooks calls.
I haul Jess from the sand, throwing her onto my back. Then it’s Brooks and me racing with the girls on our backs. Jess is squealing as I sprint as fast as I can. I’ve got one eye on the line, the other on Brooks.
“We’re neck and neck,” Jess shouts.
With the line in reach, I launch myself at it as if I’m going for a touchdown. I throw one hand out full stretch and put the other behind me to stop Jess from hitting her head against me. When we’re down, Jess rolls off me. Both of us lie on our backs, laughing so much it hurts.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
Through her breathlessness, she manages to say she’s fine. I roll over to her with the intention of helping her up. But she takes me by surprise, her laughter fading into something entirely different. Something intense. Something I only see in her when she’s drunk. And I’m blinded by it.
I brush the hair from her face and drop my gaze to her red lips. Then I remember Emily’s lips on mine last night. I close my eyes and swallow down everything that’s balled in my throat. I stand and help Jess to her feet.
“Did we win?” Jess calls to Sarah, her voice faltering slightly. She doesn’t look at me as she heads over to the group.
Why do I get the feeling I’m fucking up on all fronts?
Why in hell do I keep wanting to be close to Jess, touching her, kissing her, like a goddamn basic need, like I need air and water?
I pick up my cap from the sand and head over to Sarah for our next instruction. Jess bumps her hip against mine and gives me a small smile. “We won.”
It might be a small victory but I’ll take it. I wrap my arm around her shoulders. “Of course we did, babe. We’re like Maverick and Goose.”
“Bonnie and Clyde,” she says.
“Sonny and Cher.”
Nah, we’re good. This stuff with Emily has j
ust got me freaking out.
* * * *
We’re sitting on white chairs on the patio of a bar not far from Drew’s pad. The wind is kicking up from the beach and blowing white chiffon sheets that hang from the terrace frame. The sun is setting before us, burning orange, turning the farthest clouds shades of pink as it descends.
A live singer and guitarist play soft rock inside. The sound is a perfect backdrop to the evening. Brooks has bought the first round of Tequila Sunrises—Jess’s suggestion. That woman loves her tequila. But considering we played men versus women at softball and we let the girls win, basically all of the rounds are on the guys tonight.
The evening is easy. Brooks brings me up to speed with the opening of his second Brooks Adams gym in the city. Izzy talks about her latest audition for a musical and how she has a paid gig coming up in a café-cum-bar in Hell’s Kitchen in a few weeks—her first paid gig since she moved to New York. Madge is going to go back to work, tired of looking after their kids. Drew and Marty tell us about their plans for the firm. Mostly, they bitch at each other about the things one does that the other doesn’t and vice versa. I point out the obvious, that it’s a good thing they’re two halves of a team.
It really is nice here. Growing up, I think we once made it to the Hamptons for a day trip. I vaguely remember the beach and sitting in Pop’s truck for what seemed like forever, squished between Drew and our sister, Millie. In part, we probably didn’t visit because we lived right on Staten Island’s South Beach. Emily and I road bikes on the board walk and made castles in the sand. More than that, we didn’t have the money to come on weekend breaks to places like the Hamptons.
I know that people say money can’t buy happiness and all that. But have you ever noticed that the people who say that stuff are billionaire philanthropists and such like? I definitely do say being happy is more important than being wealthy, as odd as it might sound since I work in investments, thereby making rich people richer, but I also don’t walk around with my eyes closed. You have to have a certain amount of money. It’s like Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. Business and economics school one-o-one. You need food, sex, air and water. Then you need to build on that. Have a steady income, self-esteem. When you have all the lines in Maslow’s triangle checked off, you can officially be happy. And guess what, you need money to buy food. Money obtains clean water. Air, I’ll give you that. Sex… Damn, I’d like to have sex this week.