Soon I’m one of three left on my team, and Lexan and Pallis are the only ones remaining across the line. I can’t help but grin at the poetic justice of it as I run to dodge flying rubber balls and send them hurtling back across the line. My teammate hits Lexan’s shoulder, and he jogs off the court, just as Pallis lobs one at my other mate, squaring him in the chest. Two to one. They throw at each other, both barely missing. I duck and run for a ball, hearing a grunt behind me as my last aid falls. Pallis and I eye each other. He has definitely not forgotten the sting of my words.
He arches back and sends a ball speeding in my direction, but I’m faster. My ball connects with the tender skin at his waistline a split second before his creates a welt on my thigh. My team yells victory, and I laugh out loud, refusing to look at Lexan, whose grin I can feel from across the room.
I fidget with my clothing and re-braid my hair until all the girls have left the changing room. Isa has accepted by now that I must train with Brenn every day, and she doesn’t like it, but she still thinks it’s a normal part of my vocation. We have never kept so many secrets before, and my heart aches to tell her. I feel so alone with all these mysteries.
After several minutes, I listen at the doorway and hear nothing, so I return to the training room, finding Brenn in the adjacent equipment room. He is rummaging in a large cabinet, and emerges soon with a bow and quiver of arrows. I groan. Our class completed a short week of introductory archery training, but I have a feeling Brenn has more in mind. He hauls out a second set, and hands me both.
I stretch my arms as he digs for the targets. I test the smaller bow against my muscles, hoping they remember the movements we studied six months ago.
Brenn drags a person-shaped target from the closet, then carries out two circular targets and hangs them on hooks in the rock wall, centering the person between them. He picks up the other bow and I expect to see him shoulder it, but instead he raises it in greeting. I whirl around to find Lexan watching us from the doorway, a hand on his slim hips.
“Sorry, Lexan, I’m training for my vocation today,” I call, gloating that he must now leave.
“Come on in, Lex, glad you could join us,” Brenn says, stopping my open mouth with a firm look. “Astrea, Lexan is going to start training with us from now on. As your future partner, it is important that he knows everything you know.”
I can’t help it. I’m done. “What in Hades is wrong with you guys? Nobody asks my opinion about anything anymore! Why do I feel like everyone knows more about my life than I do? This is a bunch of Styx! Somebody better come clean before I—” My tirade stops short as Lexan nonchalantly looses an arrow that plunks in the center of a circular target. He calmly strings another, which hits very close to the first. I glare at him, and he smiles crookedly without even looking away from the target.
“Show off,” I mutter, stringing my own arrow. I won’t be getting any answers today, I can tell.
My muscles certainly do not remember much of what they learned, and I am close to screaming in frustration within minutes as every arrow I loose bounces unceremoniously off the rock walls. Brenn adjusts my grip time after time. No use.
“Trea, go run some laps. You have too much nervous energy or something,” he finally says, exasperated with me.
I throw down my bow in agreement. I can’t work with Lexan around. We will have to clear the air about last night, or I’ll never get my concentration back. Either that, or I could just shoot him. Maybe in the ass. That thought keeps me running hard, with a grin on my face, and I return ten minutes later, much calmed. The first arrow I send lodges in the outer ring. Not the center, but not the floor either. By the end of our three-hour session, I’m reliably hitting the targets, and I’ve even hit the center once. Brenn claps me on the back.
“Nice work, guys. I’m off to see Megara and the kids before the night is over. Make sure you get home to dinner on time.” And he disappears, leaving Lexan and me to clean up. I continue practicing as Lexan places his bow and quiver back in the cabinet. He watches me and quickly picks up the circular targets in between my arrows. As he walks in front of my ready arrow, my thought from earlier brings a smile to my face, and I let the arrow fly. It chocks the dummy below the shoulder, fairly near the heart.
Lexan nods in approval, not privy to my thoughts, then drags the dummy back to the closet. I follow, beginning to feel a little nervous at being alone with him in such a close space. Tiny strands of unwanted desire still cling to the pit of my stomach, and I have no idea how to handle that. Not entering, I hand him my bow through the door. He returns it to the cabinet, then steps toward me. I match his steps in retreat, so the distance between us stays constant.
“Lexan, we need to talk.”
He glances at me, unconcerned, and shuts the equipment room door. “What’s going on?”
“Really? After last night?” I throw my hands up. “You’re unreal.”
“Listen, Astrea, last night was...last night. You were drinking, I was angry with Pallis. I don’t want things to get awkward, so we can just forget all about it. We need to focus on training, anyways. Lots of people are worried about us, and I don’t want to disappoint them by being unprepared.”
“Yeah, so I stopped listening to you after the word forget. What gives you the right to kiss me – like that – then tell me to forget about it, especially after we’ve hated each other for almost seventeen years?” My anger is rising faster than I can control it.
“Kiss you like what?” His teasing smile is too much. If there’s one thing he doesn’t need to know, it’s how much I’ve thought about that kiss in the last eighteen hours.
“Whatever,” I mutter and turn to go before I figure out a way to set him on fire with my eyes.
“Astrea, wait.” His fingers are on my skin again, cool and firm. I don’t move.
“I don’t hate you. I never have. But you’ve made it really clear you hate me. I’ve kept my distance because it’s what you want. I certainly don’t love you. But I do respect you. And that’s more than Pallis does.” He sounds angry too. I start to walk again, but he passes me and exits the room first. When I reach the doorway, he is nowhere.
My mind is spinning in several directions at once, but not getting anywhere. Automatically, I head to the Ministration Room. Our practice has run late enough that everyone is gone from the room. I slip quickly behind the altar and rush through the passage, scraping my knuckles and knees and cursing in my haste. I’m still wearing the shorts from our training, and my skin rises in goose bumps as I step into the cool openness of the room, but instant relief washes over me as I breathe deeply of the damp, cold air.
My pillow sits by the water, candle beside it. I frown, distracted. I always put that pillow away so it won’t get wet. But then I can’t really remember doing it last time; that seems like a lifetime ago.
Not needing another worry, I shrug it off and sit, allowing the noise of the water running over the small indentations to soothe my tensions. I take my hair from its braid and run my fingers through it, gently untangling the curls as if they were my actual nerves. No matter what I’m going through, this icy water will always heal me. It tempers the fire that lives in my chest, gating it behind the cage of my ribs.
Much later than normal, I emerge from the passage into the Ministration Room. I again see a pair of eyes watching me intently, sending my heart plummeting to my stomach before I realize who it is.
“Are you following me?” I sigh as I move around the altar, stopping a few feet from Lexan.
He smiles, just a little corner of his lips. “What is through that passage, Astrea? I need to make sure you stay safe.”
“That's not your job, Lexan. I can take care of myself.”
“But what is back there?” He raises his eyes to mine, and I see the worry he carries, though I don’t understand why it’s his to carry. He hands me the jacket that was draped over his knee. I realize then that I’m shivering, and I take it, scowling.
“W
hy did you kiss me last night at the hot pool?”
“Astrea, please.”
“No, listen. This is important to me. In a week and a half I’ll choose you to be my partner because that’s how it must be. But I need to know how you feel...about me."
He is silent so long that I become frustrated and turn to move past him and leave.
“I kissed you,” he pauses, sighs. “I kissed you because I wanted to. That’s all. That bastard Pallis was all over you and at first I was just jealous. He knows you’re going to be my partner. Everyone knows that. Then you got angry at me, and you were so...beautiful.” He hesitates and glances up, almost insecure. I look away in confusion, still unsure what to believe. “Your anger made me feel...brave. You deserve a good, strong, kind partner, Astrea. You make me want to be like that when you stand up for things you believe in, even if it’s just being kind to someone like Pallis.”
Finally I meet his eyes and I feel like I’m losing myself in them. I find myself imagining moving closer, letting him grasp my waist, letting his lips find mine...then he looks down at the floor, and the image fades.
“I’m sorry, Astrea. I can’t do this. Not now. Not like this.”
Before I can move or speak he is gone, and I am again standing alone in an empty room, wondering what is wrong with me.
SEVEN
The First Leader must be fair and kind in all matters, but it is most important to protect the city from all possible threats, be they outside or within.
From First Leader Training Manual
First Leader Lakessa, year 2100
In the morning, I am surprised to find my Vocation Studies room empty. Leader Augus is a very punctual person, and his absence makes me immediately uneasy, especially after yesterday. I take my seat, my stomach pulling against itself, shrinking from the quiet room. My fears are given a reality when the door closes with a click, and First Leader Keirna stands before me, her arms folded tightly over her chest.
“Good morning, Astrea. After seeing your recent struggle with the subject of ethics, I thought today would be a good day for a little chat.”
“Where is Leader Augus?” I ask before thinking.
Her eyes narrow. “Don’t worry about Augus. He will be here momentarily.” Keirna comes to stand before my table and leans over it, her hands planted before me. Our eyes are level, and she stares directly at me. At first, I meet her gaze, wanting to show her that I’m not afraid, even though she wants me to be. But I feel as though she is combing through the layers of my soul. Something in her gaze sickens me, and I break the connection with difficulty.
Keirna laughs shortly. “You just may be a little too smart for your own good, my young Arien.” Abruptly she sits at the table next to mine, a student’s table, and crosses her legs, facing me. This is enough of a surprise that I raise my head again – why wouldn’t she sit at the teacher’s desk, the seat of authority?
“Let me tell you a story, Astrea. When I was your age, perhaps a few years younger, I was of course being groomed for the position of First Leader. Just like you, I was interested in the vocation, but frustrated that it was being forced on me.”
I glance at her, curious despite myself.
“Don’t you feel that way now? Ariens don’t like to be told what to do.” She laughs, but it is a cruel sound. “But First Leader Firene was very old, and there was even some idle gossip that she would not live long enough for me to complete my training. So I was pushed along quickly in my Vocation Studies. Two of the other Leaders began to work with me in earnest. We met after classes were over and they taught me many of the things I would normally have learned during my internship with Firene. Leader Leonus and Leader Goren were my first real mentors. They showed me a whole different side to First Leader. They even guided my selection of Saloman.”
I think briefly of Head Minister Saloman. Could they have used the star charts to predict that her partner would one day head our ministry? There must be more than coincidence that Lakessa, then Keirna, would partner with future Head Ministers. Uneasily, I think of Lexan, sitting right now in his own training for the ministry.
“Tell me, Astrea, have you enjoyed your teachings so far, or have they merely bored you?”
I am taken in enough by her question to stammer an honest answer. “Well, I’m not really learning anything I haven’t had before.” Except for my work with Brenn.
“What if I told you there was much more to being First Leader? A part to the vocation that would thrill you each day, make you leap from your bed in anticipation?”
This time I stay quiet – I’m intrigued by the idea that there is more to First Leader than tedious management decisions, but I don’t want to tell her that. I feel as though I’m being tricked, but I can’t figure out how.
“Power, Astrea. Power is a drink, which, once you taste it, you will never be able to satiate a thirst for.” She leans closer, suddenly grabbing my face between her fingers, forcing me to face her. “Look at me, Astrea. You and I are very much alike. Look at me!” Her voice is fierce, low, and dangerous. I look. Her eyes look impossibly large, and they devour my mind as I sit helplessly before her, my chin gripped between her fingernails.
“I will only offer this once. Do you understand?”
I nod my head slowly, feeling my thoughts grow still, my internal fire shrink to a small, wavering flicker.
“Will you lead Asphodel with me? Together? My Second Leader?”
I don’t move…what is she asking? There is no Second Leader.
She hears my thought as if I’d spoken it. “Astrea, I have the power to create new laws. Surely you know that. I could commission a Second Leader. I could even…” her eyes probe mine, “change certain laws to give you new choices for your life. Together, Astrea, we could create a new Asphodel. One that could take our people to a new level of freedom – a new kind of independence.”
I feel her intensity crushing my own thoughts, and somewhere in a tiny corner of my heart I know that she tells the truth, even as she lies. She could indeed make me Second Leader, but surely I would only be her drudge. She would use my youth and link to the prophecy to build herself an empire.
Then I think of the things I could change, if I had power like hers. I struggle to breathe, fighting for a grasp on my thoughts and my courage, but she is ferocious in her gaze, her eyes holding me more possessively than her fingers.
I begin to nod.
She begins to smile – a slow, satisfied, unpleasant smile. “You’re no star goddess after all. But together, we could be stronger than anyone.”
And then, impossibly, I reverse. Without understanding how, or even why, I simply tear my will from her clutch. I grip her wrist and force her hand from my face. I stand, taller than her sitting form, and lean over her.
“No,” I say. “That’s not what I want. I’m not yours to control, and the people of Asphodel are no longer your puppets, to do with as you please.”
A rage more horrible than any I have ever seen crashes onto her face, and I think she would tear me to pieces here in the classroom. But just at this moment, Leader Augus opens the door.
Without a word, Keirna rises, her face now a mask of calm. She nods politely to Augus and slips out of the room. This frightens me even more than her momentary rage. Before, she was an animal with open, visible claws. Now, she is a monster, plotting unseen in the shadows.
I feel my hands begin to shake and my knees loosen their tendons. The last thing I remember is Leader Augus shouting for help and my world growing black.
I awaken in Healer Gloran’s office, alone. I sit quickly, but my head spins and I’m forced to lie back down. I notice a small clear tube attached to my arm and begin to panic again: the medicines. I hear footsteps approaching and I scrabble desperately with the tube, pulling its length from my arm, grimacing at the drops of blood that form.
“Thanks so much for your help, Healer Gloran.”
Father!
“Are you sure you would like to take
her home now? I would be more than happy to let her stay here for a few hours, Jasson.”
Silently I beg Father to refuse her, and then he does. I’m nearly crying with relief when he opens the door and steps into the room, unfollowed.
“Astrea, how are you feeling?” he asks too loudly, but his fingers have already begun to wipe the blood from my arm and gather my shoulders forward. He helps me swing my body to the floor and supports me while I gain a surer footing. I slip my feet into my shoes and we leave the room quickly, his strength keeping me upright and moving.
“She’s just fine! Thanks again!” He waves cheerfully to Gloran, and we are in the hallway.
“Father,” I begin, but he shakes his head.
“Not a word until we are home.”
Once I’m settled in my own bed, propped on two pillows, Father brings me a cup of hot liquid, his own medicinal remedy. “This will stop some of the medicine Gloran gave you from taking full effect. Drink it quickly.”
The liquid burns my tongue a little, but I do as he says. The healers’ medicines can be even stronger than the counselors’, and I trust neither, especially now, with such worry in Father’s eyes.
“Now, Astrea, I know I haven’t been…well, here for you lately, but I know you’ve been going through a lot. I have a few things to tell you, but first, I need you to tell me exactly what happened in Vocation Studies today. Every word Leader Augus spoke to you. This is very important.”
I startle, realizing he doesn’t even know Keirna was involved. What should I tell him? I think of Brenn’s words, asking me not to tell anyone of my training, or the other things he has told me.
“Father, I…” I need to talk to Brenn.
“Astrea, I know you’ve been training with Brenn, and he’s probably told you some of the reasons why. He may have asked you not to bother me with them. But you must trust me, Astrea. I am your father, and you know I would never hurt you.”
Starbright: The Complete Series Page 6