by Havana Scott
“No.” I cover my face with my hands, utterly mortified. “It’s a long story, Leo, but basically they’re relics from the days of orgasm-seeking.”
“Oh, you mean your ‘issue.’” He hooks his fingers into air quotes.
“Yes, my issue.”
“So, you never could? Not even one?”
“Until a month ago, no. Why do you think I’m so obsessed with Liam? He was…” I swallow heavily to keep from breaking into stupid tears. “The first to make me.”
“Ahh… I see.” His expression takes on a more sympathetic tone after his tough love speech. “Really? Not even one? DIY?”
I shake my head. “Last year, I think I had one in my sleep. I remember dreaming I was with two guys and a girl, and we were kissing and fooling around. Before I knew it, I was having what I thought were severe cramps that hurt more than felt good.”
“In your sleep?”
“Yes. I think it was a wet dream, but it was so overdue, it hit me hard, almost like contractions. Or what I imagine contractions would be like.”
“Maybe it hit you like three orgasms. One for every sex partner in your dream.” He throws his head back and cackles. I love how Leo cracks himself up. He even manages to make me smile. “Your body needed a release so it took care of things while you were passed out.”
“Basically, yeah. Also, I think he might be seeing an ex-girlfriend today. I saw a text on his phone last night from someone named Mariana. I couldn’t see the whole thing.”
“Ugh, sweetie, I hate to tell you this, but it sounds like he’s confused. Either that, or you’ve only been fun to him, and he’s having a hard time being honest. Who needs that drama?” He makes a psshhh sound and starts playing with his phone. “Not I, said the gay man.”
“Not I, said the straight girl.”
After Leo leaves my room, I continue to stare at my phone. I think I’ll text him just once, I rationalize with myself. Just to make it clear that I miss him, even though he’s being a dick. That’ll be it. I won’t text after that. If he wants to talk to me, he’ll come around. If he doesn’t, oh, well.
Owning the full spectrum of my “patheticness,” I pick up my phone and stare at the message screen. I tell Liam that I don’t know where he is, and I don’t care. I remind him that I care for him, that I’m here if he needs me (I delete that part…can’t have him thinking I’m sitting around waiting for him if he wants me, even though I so totally am).
Then, I add this line: I just want to know where we stand one way or another. I want to know what to expect when I wake up tomorrow. I think that’s fair. Call me.
And don’t be a coward, I almost add.
I impress myself with my calm resolve. I don’t sound clingy or desperate but I’m not okay with his disappearing act either. If he’s going to invite me to stay with him for a whole week, that’s clearly grounds for wanting to know what’s going on between us.
There.
For the rest of the night, I continue with my homework. I’m glad for the time to focus on my studies, though I wish the circumstances were better. Until bedtime, I do my best not to avoid a new question wrestling its way to the forefront of my mind. I hate to consider it, but I have to be honest with myself on all possible scenarios.
What if…what if he’s married?
Soft rays of sunlight filter through my blinds. I grab my phone to check it first thing before I can even unglue my eyelids. No texts, no calls from Liam. I get it—he needs space—I just wish we would’ve talked about it first, so I could’ve expected it. My ugly question returns—what if he’s married? What if all this time, his wife has been temporarily living in another city, and I’ve been a side chick?
A couple weeks ago—heck, a couple of days ago—I would’ve said NAH. He’s too into me. But suddenly he gets this text from Mariana, and I did see photos of them around the apartment, and I mean, if they’re not together anymore, then why are the photos still there???
Jesus, Sabine, adults don’t just erase loved ones from their lives like that.
A day without hearing from him is fucking with my brain.
But now it’s Monday, and I have Human Sexuality class. No matter what, I will be seeing him. What’s that going to be like? Walking into 17B, my heart pounds in my throat. I swear I hear titters from those already here, like the she-devil herself, Tanelle. That bitch better stay the fuck away from me, or I will make punching bags out of her boobs.
Liam is ten minutes late, then fifteen, just like Quackenbush back in the day. Several students leave before he can arrive and give us the test on Chapter 11. Suddenly, I spot him through the open door out in the hallway, talking to another teacher. He’s wearing nice pants and a buttoned shirt, back to professional attire, I see.
A thousand scenarios begin running through my mind. Maybe he got into a fender bender yesterday, and I’ve been mad at him for no reason. Maybe the dean spoke to him in the aftermath of the nomination about laying low, not doing anything to jeopardize his position.
Maybe his distance has nothing to do with me at all.
I hear her hiss in my ear almost before I can smell her Coconut Hell-scented body spray. Tanelle’s voice is smooth and bubbly. Not like honey, but like tar slowly crawling down a cliff, destroying all plant life in its path. “I guess I tired him out good.” She snickers right next to my ear.
Is she serious? Did she and Liam see each other yesterday? Or is she messing with me? Because suddenly, I want to wrap her spleen around her throat. Molten lava begins to boil in my veins, and I know I’m about to lose my shit. She picked the wrong day to fuck with me.
I turn in my seat to face her. “What did you say to me?”
“I said it looks like he’s not coming. I must’ve exhausted him yesterday.”
I could take the high road, calmly explain that he’s right there in the hallway, and let it slide. I’ve turned my cheek before. But this time, something tells me to fight fire with fire. Girls like Tanelle, they look for shit. They crave it. And sometimes, the only way to get a bully to shut the fuck up is to make her.
My hand comes out of nowhere and connects, flat and open-palmed, with her face. A collective gasp spreads throughout the room, as the fifteen or so students still here gawk in awe. A red mark appears instantly on her cheek in the shape of my hand, and then I can’t see the stain anymore, because her hand covers it. Tanelle’s mouth falls open. I love how some people can dish it, but they can’t take it.
“That’s what I thought you said.” I pick up my folder, shove it in my book bag, and storm out of the auditorium.
Of course, who should I ram into the moment I open the door? SMACK. I’m hit with the smell of his skin, the hardness of his chest and arms, as he keeps me from falling. I want to disappear into his arms, demand to know why he didn’t call yesterday, then forgive him for it at the same time.
“Dr. MacKenzie, we have an issue,” a female classmate says, pointing at me and Tanelle.
“The issue being?” He raises his eyebrows.
“She slapped me.” Tanelle points at me with her phone. “Your bitch right there.”
“You’re the bitch who won’t stop. You deserved what you got,” I tell her, bending to pick up my folder that fell. Someone in the room mm-hmms their agreement with me.
And then, Tanelle picks up her shit and storms out the other door, pressing her phone to her ear. I notice on the way out how she glares at Liam, like there’s civil war going on between them. If she was with him yesterday, then why the pissy face? I knew it—she was fucking with me to see a reaction. Now, I’m almost sorry I reacted, because I gave her what she wanted.
“Yes, hi,” she says into her phone loud enough for all of us to hear. “I’d like to report an incident of violence. Yes, another student attacked me in the Aarons Building. Yes, I’ll give you her name…”
Liam rubs his hand onto his tired face and announces, “How about we leave the test for Wednesday, guys? Have a great rest of the day.”
/> Oh, sure, give yourself another reason to avoid me.
I gather my things and leave the room, but Liam comes up behind me. “I need to speak to you.”
“You do? I couldn’t tell from the way I didn’t hear from you all day yesterday.” I pull my arm out of his grasp. “Did you have a nice time with Tanelle? Or maybe it was Mariana? ‘Cause I know it wasn’t me.”
His hand grips my upper arm again, and he drags me down the hall. “I said I need to speak with you.”
“I see, so because you’re ready to talk, I’m supposed to just go with it? What about when I need to talk? What’s going on? I feel like you’re taking me to the principal’s office. That bitch asked for it. She’s the instigator here, not me.”
“What was that all about?” He turns to face me. A couple of faces turn our way down the hall.
“What do you think? It was about you,” I whisper, though I’m over whispering. I almost don’t care if everybody hears.
“So, let me get this straight. You and Tanelle fought about me in front of everybody,” he summarizes then scoffs. “That’s great. A surefire way to get me fired. Thanks, Sabine.”
My mouth opens. “Are you serious? You’re seriously mad at me?”
“You couldn’t have waited one more week before making it obvious in front of everyone that we were seeing each other? Are you so desperate for everyone to know that you’re willing to get me in trouble?”
Were? We were seeing each other?
I feel like I’m getting pelted with unfairness-laced darts. “Are you serious? You think I would do that?” It’s true that I’m getting tired of being kept a dirty little secret, but that doesn’t mean I want to get him in trouble. I still, above all, care for him.
“What happened to rising above people like Tanelle? Instead, you stooped to her level, and now you’ll probably get called to the dean’s office for what you did.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Why am I getting shit when I haven’t done anything wrong? I defended myself in there. Tanelle may not have physically attacked me, but she was in my personal space, and she was taunting me. Besides, why are we avoiding the real question?”
“The real question?”
Outside his office door, I face him, hands on my hips. “Yes. How was she? Orgasmic? Multi-orgasmic? Did she come four times in one session, inflating your ego to massive proportions? That must feel good.”
Blue eyes turn steely gray. “What…the fuck…are you talking about?” He really doesn’t know, does he? Well, I’m not going to be the one to spell it out for him. All I know is that it wouldn’t be the first time a boyfriend has left me for a hotter woman. “Okay, no. Just no.”
“No?”
He shakes his head. “Come inside.” Stepping aside to let me in, he closes the door quietly then sits on the edge of his desk. “Tanelle came to my office yesterday and tried to blackmail me. She has a photo of us together kissing. In the parking lot at the fair.”
My eyes widen. That could be bad.
“But I didn’t fall for it, Sabine, if that’s what you’re thinking. I told her she needed to get out before I reported her for sexual misconduct. Everyone thinks it’s professors who get into trouble for interacting with students, but it goes both ways.” He folds his hands and looks at me. “Which means we both need to watch out.”
Well, yes. We’ve known that for quite some time, but our irrepressible need to be together made all decisions for us this last month.
“What did she do to you? In the event I’ll be slamming a fist into her face, I’ll need to weigh my consequence options.”
He gives me a chastising look, like my father might. “She tried seducing me,” he says matter-of-factly. I watch for signs of lying, but he’s just reporting what happened. I am relieved. “She closed the door, took off her shirt, and tried kissing me.”
Wait, what?
That molten lava turns to pure fire, and I see fifty shades of black. That’s right—black, the color of Tanelle’s heart. The very idea of someone else putting her hands on Liam drives me BATSHIT CRAZY. The idea that Tanelle, She of Massive Cleavage, placed her mammary glands within reaching distance of my man… I literally cannot. Process. Maybe I’m out of line to think so, but he’s mine. He belongs to me. I belong to him, and holy fuck, I need to lie down.
“Are you telling me you didn’t do anything with her?” My hands shake.
“I didn’t. Swear to God, Sabine.” He presses his lips into a sad smirk. “But I still need to talk to you. Can I pick you up tonight? We’ll come home.”
Home. He said home, as in, the place he and I shared together.
And that is the only thing that brings me back to center.
16
LIAM
Eventually, my last class of the day ends. Time for me to go.
The afternoon sky is streaked with color—orange and purple haze touched by wisps of blue. I long for Sabine, even though I have to stay away. For us. Why is life so complicated? The things you want, you can’t have, and the things you don’t need find you like a heat-seeking missile.
When I pick her up at her apartment, a block away, as usual, she takes a while coming down the sidewalk then slips into the car looking glum. I can’t blame her. I’ve been avoiding her, I know, but I needed time to think. “You look beautiful,” I tell her. It comes out sounding like I’m sucking up but she really does look beautiful. When does she not? Gorgeous is Sabine’s everyday mode.
“Thank you.” She looks at her hands, as I take off toward the house.
After a few minutes, I gather up the courage to speak. “I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you. It wasn’t your fault what happened. Tanelle was in the wrong, and you were only defending yourself.”
Silence, as she examines her nails.
“Sabine,” I say, thinking about what I’m going to say and how I’m going to say it. “We’re going to have to wait until the semester is over before seeing each other again. It’s not goodbye. It’s just…we have to follow rules. We’ve been lucky thus far that we haven’t gotten caught, but it’s not wise to tempt fate. It’s only two more weeks anyway.”
“A lot can happen in two weeks.” She stares straight ahead.
She’s worried. I know she thinks that in two weeks, I might change my mind altogether. Or that I say we’ll get back together, but then we won’t. Like ripping off the Band-Aid slowly. “We’ve been playing with fire, and now there’s evidence that can bring me down.”
She sniffs a little without comment, the kind of sneer when someone is thinking but doesn’t want to share their thoughts.
“You have something to say?” I prompt.
“You’re not the only one with something to lose. You keep talking like you have an award to lose, you have a future to lose… I have a lot to lose too, and still, I’ve chosen to keep seeing you.”
“I know, hon, but it’s not wise, and being the older person here, I feel compelled to steer us both in the right direction. You can’t blame me for wanting to fix things. If we’re going to do this, let’s do this right.” I don’t know why I say that. Ever since meeting with my friends and getting Mariana’s text, I’ve been starkly reminded of why it’s not good to date a woman of Sabine’s age, and as much as I truly care about her, I’m not 100% convinced.
Maybe in a few years if she’s still available?
I keep that to myself.
Finally, she glances at me, pain in those gorgeous light brown eyes. “You’re saying we’ll get back together in two weeks for sure?”
“I can’t promise that. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my position, my application to Harvard, or my career. Hendersonville was kind of a stopping point for me. A place to stay for a while before moving on.”
“I know what a stopping point is, Liam,” she mutters.
I have to stop doing that, treating her like she’s a child.
We reach my street, but I feel compelled to stop the car and keep talking to her
inside of our private bubble. I needed to get her away from her roommates but perhaps bringing her to my house was another mistake. We’ll end up right back where we started.
She speaks softly. “How can you say that? After what we’ve been through? I know it’s only been four weeks, but they’ve been four intense weeks. At least, for me, they have.”
“For me, too. Why do you think this is so hard? I feel like I’m being pulled in two different directions, and that’s not like me. When I see something I want, I go for it. In this case, I haven’t been able to. Other forces are holding me at bay.”
“Are we breaking up?” Her eyes gloss over, but I can’t hold their gaze.
I take her hand instead. “I’m saying we have to be careful. Take the right steps. Take a short break then get back together.”
“So, you are breaking up with me?”
“Sabine.” Throwing my head back, I sigh and close my eyes. Fuck my life. A gorgeous young, smart woman full of vitality and fun finally comes along, one who doesn’t want me solely for my fucking body or cock, yet all I can do is turn her away. What’s wrong with me? “This relationship is tricky. I think you knew that from the beginning. I did, in fact, warn you.”
“So, you’re saying it’s my fault, because I pushed ahead, even though you told me you couldn’t.” The tears have fully emerged into her eyes, and God damn it, I can’t stand to see her crying. “I’m being punished now. For wanting you. For loving you…” Her hands come up to hide her face. “I’ve been stupid.”
I grab her hands and swivel her toward me, awkwardly hugging her with the car console in between us. “Stop. No, I never said any of that. Let’s go inside. This isn’t comfortable.” Jesus Christ, why does this have to be so hard? If anything, it’s completely my fault for allowing myself to get caught up, for taking advantage of a young woman, and now I have to make right what I’ve done wrong.
I park in the driveway and dry her eyes with my sleeve before getting out of the car and going around to open her door. We head into the house, which seems oddly musty and unused. Seems I’ve spent a lot of time away from here lately, and now I understand why. This house, even though it’s in my name, will always remind me of Mariana. She’s part of why I haven’t been able to move on, because her energy is still here. Having Sabine helps with the loneliness but it doesn’t remove the curtains that Mariana put up. It doesn’t repaint the walls that she and I painted together, and it doesn’t erase the fact that I once shared this house with another woman, and maybe that’s my problem.