by Havana Scott
I love him.
I love how he makes me feel.
And I’ll remember this forever, in case it never, ever happens again.
“Yeahhhh…come for me, Sabine.” Liam’s voice is raw and husky, only adding to the amazingness of the moment. He grabs my hip with one hand, reaches past me to hold onto the bedpost for support, and then he’s giving me his last few thrusts.
“Come in my ass, Liam. I love you.” I mean it. No empty words to make him come. It’s not because I want him to stay, even though I do. It’s because I do—love him. Forever and ever, no matter what happens between us, he has changed my life.
Finally, he groans like an animal, an incredibly sexy sound coming from a man so normally in control, it fills me with deep satisfaction. He spills into me, and I feel his warmth seeping through me. We hold it in this position for a minute, maybe more, maybe five. I have no idea. All I know is that time has stopped. Soon, my hands are untied, and reluctantly, I’m free. Free to pull him toward me, free to touch his exhausted face, free to wipe the glossiness forming at his eyelids.
We collapse onto the bed, and I can’t help but stare at his beautiful face, as he drifts in and out of consciousness. His eyebrows, his cheekbones, the dark shade of beard across his jawline. I kiss him, grab a blanket, and cover us from the windy ceiling fan above. And then, we fall asleep, and I marvel at how far I’ve come in such a short time, how much I’ve learned about myself, and the man who brought it all out of me. He tries to speak, but I don’t want to hear anything he has to say right now. I’m too afraid it’ll be goodbye.
It’s the morning I’ve been dreading, and even the coffee can’t warm my soul. I notice he’s different the moment he emerges from his room dressed for work. His gaze doesn’t meet mine the same way, and there’s a smirk to his grin that tells me something’s wrong. I sip my coffee slowly, keeping my eyes on my textbook.
“You ready to go?” He collects his bag, his books, and his keys.
“Yes. But first, Liam. How are we proceeding?” I ask even though I know. Last night, I gave him everything I had—literally. Everything that was left to give.
He sits against the counter and rubs his face. “We can’t see each other for now.” He sighs, and my heart stops beating. What did I think, that I could stop him?
Yes, you did, stupid girl.
“So…you knew you were going to break up with me this morning, but you still went for the sex yesterday.” I don’t know where I’m going with this. It’s not a rational argument, but I’m not feeling very rational at the moment.
“Sabine…”
“I was a challenge to you. You were curious about my inability to orgasm, so you decided you’d be the one to figure me out. Like a puzzle. An enigma. Once you solved me, you got bored. Is that it? Please, Liam, just tell it to me like it is. I can’t go another day not knowing where we stand.”
“You’re oversimplifying. Maybe that’s what it was at first—curiosity. But then, I got to know you, and it’s become more. I care for you so much, Sabine. Trust me, I do. But right now, I have to protect my career. Please understand that.”
I don’t understand. There’s nothing dishonorable about falling in love with someone you never expected to. He can always tell the dean this. He wasn’t expecting to fall in love with me, but he did. The reason he can’t say it, though, is because…he doesn’t love me.
I was right. Leo was right. He’s full of drama; who needs this? If he really wanted me, he’d find a way to make it work. I don’t believe his plans to get together soon. I think he’s using the nomination as a way out, an excuse to break up. I think he believes I’m not good for him because I’m young. I think he thinks I’m immature when I’m not, or not trying to be anyway.
He’s done with me.
This is the beginning of goodbye.
As if to drive the point home, he tries explaining further. “In fact, even after the course ends, you’re still considered a student, and I’m still considered a teacher at the college, and I don’t think it’d look good for us to be together. Maybe we should wait until you graduate, Sabine. When is that…two more years?”
Bull, bull, more bull.
Excuses because he’s afraid. I see right through him. He can’t come out and say it—I don’t want to see you anymore. Well, that’s fine. But once he closes this door on me, it’s over. If there’s one thing about me, it’s that once I’m done with a chapter in my life, I move on. Ask my dad. Never spoke to him again. There will be no “we’ll try after you graduate.”
Tears threaten to spill, but I hold them back. I hold my chin high, even as I gaze into the bluest eyes I have ever loved. I nod, as if none of this is affecting me. I won’t give him the satisfaction. “Sure, two more years. If you’re at Harvard then, I’ll know where to find you.” I smile.
He looks relieved as hell, like that went so well, like I’m so great for understanding his dilemma. I give him what he wants—grown-up, mature-for-her-age Sabine. But inside, I’m dying. Inside, I hate him. For using me, for taking advantage, for thinking of his career before our love. Guess which one won’t matter when he’s old, bedridden, and needs a good woman by his side?
18
LIAM
She’s not at Wednesday’s class. Yeah. I wouldn’t want to see my face either. I throw myself into work every day and stay focused. It’s what I asked for.
On Thursday, my brother Sean calls to invite me to Pine Island, of all places, the coastal beach town about three hours away from Hendersonville where Sabine once asked if we could go. It’s a popular weekend hangout for people in this area. Since Spring Break has waned, and it shouldn’t be as crowded as it was a month ago, I accept. I need to get away, or I might continue down my vicious cycle and end up calling Sabine.
When I arrive at the two-story, whitewashed villa Sean rented with a few friends, a mixed bag of emotions rattles my mind. On one hand, it’ll be nice to spend the weekend here, soak up some sun, drink my troubles away. On the other, Sabine was right—this would’ve been a great place to bring her. We could’ve relaxed, been ourselves away from the prying eyes of the university. We could’ve lain on the beach, imbibed mojitos, and fallen asleep together after hours of mindless fucking.
Like Monday night.
Sabine was in full force, pushing past her comfort limits. Discovering new ones. She was hotter than I’d ever seen her. She’ll never know how much I hated cutting things off between us the next morning, following through with my plans. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it had to be done. For both of us.
Sean emerges from the villa, drink in hand, wearing shorts and a tank top, a party version of me, minus the beard. He smiles wide and waves. “Bro!” My twin brother went into marketing and is entirely more extroverted than one person should ever be. He scoops me into a hearty hug, spilling some of his frozen drink onto my back. “It’s about damn time!”
“Nice to see you, my brother.” I slap Sean’s face a few times like I’ve always done. Helps me feel less inadequate for being forty-five seconds younger.
“Come on in, say hi to the guys.” Sean leads me up the side stairs where two empty red Solo cups sit, past the first-floor driveway, to the second floor where the house is. His buddies all lay around, either on their phones, sprawled on the couch, or in the kitchen, mixing drinks in the blender. “Look who’s here!” Seany announces.
Cheers from everyone.
I greet the guys, go through the usual song and dance when people think they’re seeing double, and accept my first drink, a rum runner, before I’ve even set down my bags. Sean saved the room next to his all for me, which was nice of him, considering the other guys are sharing the remaining two rooms. There are perks to being a twin. No matter how long it’s been since we see each other—eight months in our case—you get preferential treatment.
From Friday evening on, the four of us spend our time drinking, partying, meeting people out by the community’s pool, and fishing
off the pier. It’s Sean’s dream come true. I believe the main reason he took a high-pressure, marketing position at a big firm in Charleston was just so he could support his glam lifestyle. Every month, he spends it in a different beach city, and each month he’s with a different woman.
Spring Break for most colleges may be over, but the town is still filled with professionals in their twenties and thirties, taking advantage of warm weather and the window of time between Spring Break and summer, when families arrive. I silently watch them come and go from my lounge chair on the beach. Sean, the social butterfly, flits from hot chick to hot chick working his charm while I shake my head and have to laugh. Every so often, those beauties stop by my chair and say, “Wow, you really move around fast,” to which I reply, “I’m Liam, Sean’s brother. Nice to meet you,” after which point lots of flirting ensues. Once they realize I’m not as entertaining as my brother, they usually leave to find him.
This has been our song and dance all our lives.
One woman catches my attention—tall and thin with auburn hair and a pretty laugh. There’s something elegant about the way she carries herself, and when she talks to me and introduces herself as Hazell, I realize what I admire about her—she’s comfortable with her age, late thirties or so, and in her career, a wedding dress consultant for rich clients. She comes across as content, and I can’t stop listening to her.
She invites me for drinks by the pool tonight, and I have to stop and consider it when normally, I’d accept. For all intents and purposes I’m still single, so why the pause? Well, because three hours away is a young woman with a lot to admire. A woman I deeply care for, who I treated like shit, who deserves more than I can give. Sabine doesn’t deserve a man who hides her like a dirty secret. She deserves a guy without issues concerning her age. Though I’ve always been drawn to older women, Sabine has the spirit of one.
Except for the moment she slapped Tanelle.
Even if she deserved it, even if Sabine was defending herself. Why did I judge her for that? It’s not her fault she’s twenty. Why should I punish her for being so much younger? I have to remind myself my separation was a practical decision, nothing to do with her, per se. We’re on two different tracks in life, that’s all, and we crossed at the wrong time.
Maybe three or four years down the line.
A few drinks and a long-ass nap later, I wake up around 7 PM and hit the shower, the sting of light sunburn on my face. I accepted Hazell’s drink offer and even though part of me just wants to lie in bed all night listening to parties going on all around me, I drag myself out. After all, that’s why I drove down.
On one side of the beach, reggaeton music pulses, and on the other is a live Zac Brown cover band. That’s where I’m headed. In khaki shorts, tank top, and sandals, I’m free as can be, loving the easy life of a beach town. I can see why my brother takes to this atmosphere on a monthly basis.
It’s easy to find Hazell by the pool. She’s the striking gazelle in a floppy hat, the kind most men are scared to approach. Wide, stunning smile when she sees me, and I pull up a stool next to her. “Thought maybe you’d forgotten,” she says.
“I would never stand up the prettiest woman here,” I tell her, and though it sounds like flirting, it’s really just fact. The beach is jam-packed with girls, but she’s the only woman and a gorgeous one at that. “Just saying.”
She doesn’t blush or giggle, only gives me a “you’re full of shit” smirk-smile.
We order drinks and spend a couple of hours talking about our jobs, the people we might know in each other’s towns, how many siblings we each have, that sort of thing. When we start talking about whether or not we’re with anyone, a precursor to any woman contemplating sharing a bed with me, I learn that she’s single, recently divorced, and she learns that I’m…not sure.
“You’re not sure?” She cocks her head.
“No. It’s complicated.” Without giving her details, including names, I tell her about my dilemma. I tell her how I met “a young woman” and never expected to get involved with her, but it just happened. I tell her how much I’ve grown to care for her. “Basically, I came here this weekend to clear my head. Try and figure out what to do.”
“She sounds like a sweet girl, Liam,” Hazell says sadly. Until now, I didn’t realize how talking about Sabine might affect my present company, and maybe that’s my fault for drinking too much. But she’s tipsy, too, and seems to care. Her hand falls on my knee. “You never know where life will take you. I thought I’d be married to Quint forever, yet here I am talking to the hottest professor I’ve ever met.”
“Hottest mess maybe.” I toast my beer with hers and swig back the bottle.
The alcohol fog swirls inside my head. It feels comforting having her hand on my knee, looking into her doe-like green eyes. But I’m empty. I hurt a woman who didn’t deserve to be hurt, even though I believe I did the right thing. I’m empty because she’s not here. I’m empty because my hands are tied at the moment if I want to reach my career goals.
“Do you want to come back to my villa?”
I shouldn’t be surprised by her sudden question. I’ve heard it a thousand times before. But I am. I basically just told her I was in love with someone. Her hand slides down my knee to my calf. She feels the curve of muscle, as her eyes cast downward.
I would, just to be with someone tonight.
I’ve done it countless times before, but for some reason, I just can’t. What I need is time alone. If that means without Sabine, then that means without Hazell, too.
“Hazell, I love talking to you…” I lean into her. The words coming out of my mind now almost don’t belong to me, I’m so drunk. “And I would love to fuck you blind any other day, but I’m not fit for anyone right now. Please don’t be mad.”
Though a wisp of sadness flits her eyes, because let’s face it, rejection sucks, she gets it. Nodding, she presses her lips together. “How can I be mad? I thought I’d given up on men, and you just showed me that real gentlemen still exist. Thank you, Liam.” She settles for cupping my chin and kissing me halfway between my mouth and cheek.
I never thought I’d be so relieved not to be kissed by a beautiful woman.
Dragging myself back to the villa, I collapse on my bed and hear the moaning and groaning coming from the room next door. My brother is with two women. No surprise there. It’s hard to sleep when you hear one asking for a harder fuck and the other one’s moans are muffled as if smothered by someone’s body. God only knows what kind of flesh knot they’re in, and God bless my brother for doing what he does best.
Me, I had my threesomes. I had the most gorgeous women on campus. I still do, but only one calls to me now. Only one’s face burns in my mind. So much that I ruined a date tonight. My fingers itch to call her, but I leave my phone in the bathroom so I won’t be tempted. I’ve fucked up her life enough as it is.
I lie back and think about our last night together, how she gave herself to me completely. How she harnessed her full sexual potential to rope me in. How it worked, because I could never resist her. I think about her sweet tight cunt, her banging ass, her small tits that will probably always keep her looking young and perky. How I love sucking on them. Biting. Slapping.
I miss her. Everything about her.
Shedding my clothes, I lay in the warm room, ceiling fan slowly circling above, my cock stiff as fuck, wanting her so badly. I could easily call Hazell to come take care of things for me. I’d give her something to remember as well. But it would only distract me from my thoughts of Sabine. Even though she’s three hundred miles away, she’s with me right now, giving up her body and soul for me. I taught her how to reach her potential, how to reach deeper and find out who she was. I taught her how to trust.
And now, she’s teaching me things as well.
Namely, that I’m an idiot.
19
SABINE
“Get up. Dále. Vamos.”
Leo’s voice barges into my room, bu
t my eyes are glued shut.
“Mrrrrfff.”
“Don’t mrrff me. Throw a bikini and some shorts into a bag. We’re going out.”
“Nrrppggnn?”
“To the beach. La playa!” he cries out jovially. “For the weekend. Come on!” Suddenly, my comforter is yanked off me, and I’m exposed to the world I hate.
“Stop it.” I kick out with my formerly warm-cozy feet.
“No, you stop it. I can’t stand to see you like this another day. My friend, Ibis, got a room at Pine Island. She says we can stay with her if we want, but if we don’t leave in twenty minutes, she’s going to give the spots to someone else. Get up, Sabine!” He tousles my hair.
I want to punch him, but I sit up and blink several times. Same way I’m lying here miserably on a Saturday morning, I can lie under the sun at Pine Island and work on my tan. I’ve been wanting to go there anyway. Fine, here I go—getting up now.
Liam does not get to dictate how I feel anymore this week. Today, I’ll be happy to spend time with Leo and his friends, happy to be going on an impromptu, much-needed mini-vacation, happy to socialize again, and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it, damn it.
Leo returns to the room in a hurry and flings a small card onto my bed. “Put that in your wallet.”
“What is it?”
“Fake ID.”
“When did you have time to make it?”
“I stole it from Kristie’s room. You both have long brown hair. You’re both ridiculously pretty. It’ll work. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.”
And enjoy the hell out of it, I will.
Pine Island is every bit as beachy as I hoped it would be, a small town filled with fancy villas, simple motels, and a long, stretching boardwalk dotted with bars and restaurants. The Atlantic Ocean glimmers in the sunlight, and the moment I step barefoot onto the sand, I’m in paradise.
“Thank you so much for getting me out of bed,” I tell Leo who’s squinting into the distance checking out the people-scape. For some reason, he’s looking at women’s bodies more than men’s.