"I have the prettiest girlfriend.” I touched the top of her hand. "Who's also a fine piece of ass."
"Damn right!" She nodded and lightly pounded her fist on the table.
"So, why are you so against having a boyfriend, anyway?" I thought it might be a good time to casually ask that question. It was different from asking to be her boyfriend.
"I don't know. I don't see the point."
"Well, most single women I know want a boyfriend. Why don't you?"
"Tyler…" She exhaled loudly and looked into my eyes, then down at the table. I wasn't sure she was going to continue. I wondered if she sensed what I was feeling and knew it was time to address the elephant in the room. "I'm weird. Okay?"
"How? So, you're weird. I'm weird. We're all weird,” I said.
"No, I'm different. There are things you don't know about me." She took a drink of her coffee.
"And how would that change anything? Tell me why you think you're weirder than anybody else. I really want to know."
She looked down at the table again, showing no emotion. Finally she took a deep breath and bit the inside of her cheek a little. I took notice of every nuance of her facial expressions, hoping they would tell me something.
"I do everything backwards," she said. "I mean, look at us. I just met you yesterday. We bypassed any kind of emotional intimacy and went straight to," her eyes widened, "the couch. Is that normal? No, it's not. But it's my normal."
I didn't know what to say. She was kind of right. My heart sank.
She continued. "A wise person once told me if something starts out on a high, it has nowhere to go but down. Yeah, sex is great. Really, really great." She reached across the table and rubbed my hand. "But it gets old after a while. It's nothing to build a relationship on. After a while you stop doing it as much. You realize you don't have anything else in common. You both move on."
I still didn't know what to say. I had no way to argue with her. Maybe she was right. I wondered if she had experienced this for herself. I felt more sad and disappointed with each new word coming out of her mouth.
"I wish I had it in me not to have sex with someone right away. I wish I could just wait. Maybe even find a guy and wait until we're married. I know people who've actually done that and I have a lot of respect for them. But it's not me." She stopped and looked out the window for probably ten seconds, then continued. "I think I get off on the fact that it's wrong. I'm not supposed to do it." She took another long drink of coffee. "And also, I know tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I like to live each day like it's my last… to an extent. If I really felt like it was my last day, I probably wouldn't spend so much time applying night cream, or moisturizer with sunscreen in it." She looked very serious all of a sudden. "I try to plan for the future a little. I want to prevent wrinkles and sun damage."
I laughed hysterically. It was funny that she was more serious about skin care than anything else she'd just mentioned.
"Susie," I said, calming down. "Did someone break your heart? Is that why you only have flings?"
She looked surprised. "It's not that. It's just that I don't have much to offer anyone besides sex." She shrugged. "Why in the world would someone wanna be with me after the sex high wears off? I'm not that interesting. I'm not a good cook. I don't really have any goals in life except to do whatever I feel like doing. I like video games, having fun with my friends, partying, and not being told what to do. I'm not relationship material. Could you see all that in an online dating ad?"
I started to speak but she continued. "Oh, and also, what if I'm just addicted to the ‘sex high’? What if I have a relationship and get bored after it wears off?"
I had a lot to say and I was glad she ended with a question. "Well, for one thing, how would you even know if you were capable of getting bored? Have you ever given a guy a chance to have more than a fling with you?"
She rolled her eyes. "Not really."
"Well then, maybe you shouldn't make those kinds of assumptions about yourself. It sounds to me like you're just really scared. And also very stubborn and rebellious."
Her eyes narrowed. It looked like she was forcing a mean look. I think she was trying to be playful but I believed there was a lot of truth to the words I spoke.
"Furthermore," I said, "I have no idea why you have such a low opinion of yourself. You're funny. You're easy to talk to. You like video games, which is a good thing to most guys. You’re outgoing and have lots of friends. You're intelligent. You're interesting. I don't know any other women your age who own an old police car and a Mercedes."
She smiled and quietly laughed at my last sentence as she picked up her coffee to have a drink.
I was glad she gave me time to talk. "You have everything. Really. You're not like other girls, and that's good."
"Is it really though? Don't most guys want someone who's wholesome and domestic? Who would make a good mother? Who aspires to be…… something?” She shrugged.
I took a second to think about it. "You have a good point. A lot of guys do want that. But a lot of guys want something different. They want somebody who won't try to change them. Someone who’s fun and unique, who makes his life more interesting just by being around her." I took a sip of my coffee quickly, hoping she wouldn't jump in and cut me off. "And how do you know you wouldn't be a good mother?"
I wanted to cross that line - tell her I liked her just the way she was. There was nothing I would change about her. I heard Joan's voice in my head telling me to hold back - and also telling me I didn't know her well enough to say I loved her already. I just knew I wanted her and that I could fall in love with her. But I was pretty sure I was already there.
I didn't know if she could sense what I was feeling or what. Her face became sober, as did her tone of voice. She leaned forward across the table, looking deep into my eyes.
"Tyler, I'm not someone a guy can take home to meet his mother. There are things about me you really don't know, that I am not going to tell you. I could never run for public office. Trust me. Most guys would run off - screaming - when they find out who I really am."
So that was the real reason.
There was some kind of dark secret about her past that she was desperate to hide. She used the silly stuff - video games and not being able to cook - as a way of covering the real issue. I wanted to know more. But what if she was right? What if there was something about her that would make me change my mind? It didn't seem possible. Had she broken the law? Gotten away with something terrible? I couldn't imagine she would be capable of something as bad as what I was thinking. And I also couldn’t imagine there being a reason bad enough to make me stop wanting her.
The food came right then. I was glad because my stomach had gotten louder over the last few minutes. I was too engrossed in our conversation to pay attention to it.
We both shoveled food in our mouths immediately. I was grateful for such huge portions. I was so hungry, I felt like I could eat both her food and mine.
Maybe Joan can tell me Susie's secret.
I could tell I had broken through to a place she didn't show many people. I got through her first wall of defense. I wondered how many of the other guys had been able to do that - or even tried. I was pretty proud of myself. It hasn't even been two days and I've made progress. I wondered if I should keep trying to find out more that night or quit while I was ahead.
Susie and I had sat there eating silently for a while. It was like we'd never seen food before. Then Sherry came back to the table to check on us.
"So, how are the kids? I can't believe it's been so long. I'm sorry," Susie said.
"It's all right. I could've called you. I knew you were busy with school though. It’s really only been a couple of months."
"Well, still, I'm a crappy friend. How are the kids doing in school so far?"
"They're all right. Ronnie's on the baseball team. They're both doing pretty good." Sherry nodded.
"Is your mom still doing all right?"
; "Yep. She's a fighter. She's back to her old self."
"I'm so glad to hear that! How are you doing?"
"Girl... just let me know if you and your friends are having a girls' night out anytime soon. I need it. And I'd love to catch up with you."
"We might be doing something soon. I'll let you know. It's been a long time.”
"Too long. I'll give you a call." Sherry left to wait on another table. The restaurant was slowly filling up even though it was going on 9 pm.
"So how long have you known Sherry?" I asked.
"Since I lived here the first time. She and Lydia went to church together. So, when I took over Lydia's house I looked her up and she worked here. We've both been too busy for a while to keep up with each other like we should. I think I'll invite her over with Joan and Monica on Friday night."
"Friday night?"
"Yeah. Joan's sister Monica will be here. She's in graduate school at Harrison. Their midterm break is the week before ours, so Monica's coming in on Friday. She and Joan are coming over to my house for the night. I need to find out if it's okay with them if I invite Sherry. They probably won't care, but I don't want to be rude." She took her phone out of her purse and sent a quick text message.
My food was quickly gone except for a few fries. I stacked my plates and set them away from me. I thought about asking Susie if she was going to eat the rest of her pancakes when I realized how full I was.
"So," she said, then took a drink, "what were you and Joan really talking about today?"
"Caleb. What did you think we were talking about?"
"What did she say about him?"
"Just that he hadn't called her in a while. But I don't want to betray her confidence by talking about it." How could she argue with that? I was telling the truth. And it made me sound like a good guy, which I considered myself to be.
"Okay, that's fine. So, do you have any idea why he stopped calling her?"
"No. We're guys. We don't share details like you women do."
"Does Caleb know that you know me?"
"Why? You know him?"
She rolled her eyes. "Unfortunately."
"What happened?" Oh no. Don't tell me Caleb is another one of her casualties….
"Joan doesn't know anything about this. But since you're his roommate, if he ever starts badmouthing her you need to know the truth. Please don't repeat this."
"I won't."
"Joan is very sweet. Sort of naive. But she's great. Really, it doesn't get any better than her. She and her sister are closer to me than members of my own family. Which really isn't saying much.... but you get the point."
I nodded and poured myself some more coffee.
"She made the mistake of trusting him with a closely held secret. Oh, that jerk." She shook her head and groaned.
"What secret?"
"Well, apparently she was trying to impress him or something. He asked her if she had ever slept with another woman. She said 'yes, my friend Susie.' "
My eyes opened wide. I didn't expect Susie to tell me about her and Joan. And I couldn't let on that I already knew.
"You and Joan?" I asked.
"Yes, we went through a phase. I'd still be okay with doing it once in a while if she hadn't tried to make it into something it wasn't. She's kind of needy. She falls in love with everyone she has sex with, like a lot of women."
Except the one sitting here telling me this story.
"How long ago was this?" I asked.
"It probably ended a year ago. But she shouldn't have told Caleb about it. I met him a few times. I went out drinking with him, Joan, and a few other people over the summer. I think one was your roommate Joe."
"Damn, where was I?"
"Were you living there over the summer?"
"Yes, I moved in at the beginning of May to take summer classes. I don't go out with them very often,” I said.
"Then you were living there. I don’t know how we didn’t meet before. I went out with them for the last time probably the day after Joan told him about our past... encounters..."
The way she said it was so hot. I took a drink of coffee to try to mask my intrigue.
"So," she continued, "when I saw Caleb out the next night, he came up and started dancing with me. I didn't mind until he whispered in my ear that he wanted to have a threesome with me and Joan. That's when I knew Joan had messed up. You can’t tell stuff like that to a guy like Caleb. He's a man whore."
I laughed. "Yes, I live on the other side of his wall. He would probably take that as a compliment."
"Oh, I'm sure. So, he grabbed my boob and tried to kiss me. This was while Joan was away getting another drink. I hit him in the balls, but not too hard. Just enough to let him know he needed to stop. Then I told him to fuck off, and he left the bar without even saying goodbye to Joan. And he never called her again. I haven’t told her about it. She already has a complex about me or something."
"I feel really bad for her," I said. "She seems like a nice girl."
"She is. I keep trying to tell her she needs to stop giving herself away like that. Just because a guy fucks you it doesn't mean he loves you. In fact, it never means that."
"That's not true," I said.
"Okay," she said.
"I'm just saying... some guys do fall in love."
"Yeah, maybe."
"So, are you and Joan okay? Is it awkward now?"
“It was for a little while. I think she was ashamed. But I think it was just something she needed to try so she could get it out of her system. I felt like a bad friend for a while, like I used her or something. I don't know if I could fall in love with a woman. But I can sure as hell give one a good time once in a while."
I was suddenly jealous of Joan. I didn't like the thought of Susie desiring someone else the way she desired me, sexually. I wondered why I wasn't jealous when Joan told me about it earlier, but listening to Susie talk about it got my pulse rate up a bit, and not in a good way. Still, a part of me was curious to know a little more.
"So, it was good with her then?" I asked.
"Please don't tell me you want a three-way. That's completely out of the question."
"No, not at all. Had you been with other women?"
"Yes."
"A lot? Are you bi?"
"Not a whole lot. And no, I don't really consider myself anything. I don't like to use labels. It depends on what your definition of 'bi' is. I’m not sure I'd want a relationship with a woman. But sex with one occasionally can be nice."
"But you don't even want a relationship with a man, right?"
"Yeah, that's true. You got me there. But, if I were to have a relationship, it would probably only be with a man."
I noticed she had a way of saying everything while saying absolutely nothing. I could almost take that to mean there was hope for me. Almost….
"So, you were okay with just having sex with Joan and being friends? What was that like? How could you go back to just being friends?" I asked.
"It wasn't that hard. It was a lot of fun when it first started. But I sort of got bored with it. If we had done it maybe once every couple of months, casually, I might still want it. But it happened a lot at first. Then she expected it and wanted something more. I'm still attracted to her on some level. I don't think about it every time I see her or anything. It's like it never happened, in a way. Once in a while if she were to catch me in the right mood and I had a little to drink, I'd probably go for it. But then again, I'm not sure. I remember how painful it was for her."
I hoped she couldn't see the jealousy in my face. I wondered if I was the next Joan. Susie got bored with her. This wasn't a good story.
We sat there and drank a little more coffee. Susie still had half of her pancakes left.
"You're not going to eat that?" I asked.
"No. I'm stuffed. You want me to take them home for you in case you're hungry later? They warm up well in the microwave."
"Sure."
Susie started to put the p
ancakes in a box Sherry had dropped off.
I excused myself and found the restroom. I figured I should get it out of the way before we went back to her house. On my way back to the table, Sherry stopped me.
"I'm glad she brought you with her tonight. It's not safe for her here alone. Did she tell you what happened last time?" Sherry asked.
"Yeah. But she seems fine."
"I hope so." She shook her head. "I hate calling the cops."
"Cops? Susie told me someone saw what happened and came outside to help."
Safe With Me, Special Edition Page 9