Daisy said, “Have a seat,” and motioned toward the bed as soon as we walked inside the room. It obviously used to be her room, as evidenced by the frilly pink items that lingered on the walls and the bookshelf.
“Okay.” I sat down on the bed.
Daisy and Aaron sat on either side of me.
“So.” Her hands were folded in her lap. “Susie. We don’t know that much about you.”
“Shit,” Aaron said. “Why are you doing this? He’s a grown man.”
She leaned back behind me. “Shh,” she said to Aaron. “So, Susie.” She sat up and placed a friendly hand on my knee for a second before drawing hers together in her lap again. “Tell us about you.”
“Uh, what do you wanna know, exactly?”
“Hmm.” She sighed, thoughtfully. “Tell us your hopes and dreams. Your goals in life. Your intentions with our brother.”
Aaron stood up and walked to a wooden chair along the wall. He dragged it over to the bed. “How ‘bout you tell us why you haven’t spoken to your brother or sister in ten years?”
Daisy shrugged, her eyes wide. “Or that. Yes.”
“Huh?” I was unprepared for this. In hindsight, I should’ve seen it coming, from Aaron’s question in the kitchen. I thought he was just casually asking. But I could now see it was a big, fat, stupid thing they’d actually discussed at length. “Why are you asking me this?”
Aaron took a seat in the little wooden chair. “Because it’s weird. That’s why. People don’t just stop talking to their family for no reason. What are you hiding?”
I swallowed, then I took a deep breath, staring past them at the wall I could see between their heads. “Uh, I really don’t know how to answer that. I guess some people just don’t come from happy families like you guys.”
Daisy chuckled and shook her head. “We’re not that happy. We’re just normal.”
“Yeah.” Aaron smiled. “They drive me up the wall but I’d never just stop talking to ‘em."
Daisy gave him a sideways glance. “Oh really?”
His pretty eyes became tiny slits. “Okay, I might give someone the silent treatment for a little while.” He leaned forward, concentrating on me. “But ten years?”
“It’s messed up,” I said. “I know that. But it’s none of your business.” I emphatically cleared my throat. “So, Daisy. I hear you’re in cosmetology school.”
“Um. Yeah.” She and Aaron shared a look. She then stared off at the wall. “But that’s boring. We really just wanna get to know you. I won’t ask any more questions about your family. But please, please--”
“Here it comes...” Aaron said.
She shot him an angry look. “I’m only looking out for him.”
“Whatever,” he said.
“Please, Susie.” Daisy put her hand on mine. “My brother’s been through so much. And now he finally seems happy again. Please, please, please. Don’t hurt him.”
I opened my mouth, unsure what to say. I saw Daisy’s dramatic, pleading eyes, and Aaron’s almost-comical stare of disgust at her. After a few seconds of stammering I just said, “I’ll do my best.”
The door flew open, and there was Tyler. Aaron and Daisy both turned their heads.
“Hey.” Tyler’s eyes met his sister’s. “What’s goin’ on back here?”
“Nothing. Just getting to know each other.” Daisy’s voice was weak. She played with a lock of her hair.
“That’s nice. Can you leave us alone? I’ll catch up with you in a little while,” Tyler said.
Aaron and Daisy looked at each other and stood up at the same time. They both said, “Okay,” and gave me a wave as they left the room.
Tyler closed the door and locked it. He sat down on the bed with a loud sigh. “Sorry. I had to get away for a minute. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought you here. I’m ready to leave myself.”
“You are?”
“Yeah.”
His eyes went to something on a bookshelf, which he got up to retrieve. It was a photo album. He sat down and flipped through it.
I scooted up close beside him. “Am I allowed to see these today?”
He smiled. “If you want.” His smile quickly faded when he came to a picture of him and his dad. It was more recent than the one I’d seen on Leona’s iPad when she visited. In this one, Tyler didn’t look much different than he did today, except his hair wasn’t quite as long. He and his dad leaned against the door of a bright blue pick-up truck, both smiling. His dad’s arm was around Tyler’s shoulders.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” I said. “You and your dad.”
“I know. Like twins. He never even looked that much older than me.” He frowned. “This was taken just a couple months before he died. It was so weird when I think about it now. We used to take a lot of pictures when we were little but it just kinda stopped over the years. And this one day,” he paused, putting his finger on the picture, “Aunt Trixie was here with a fancy new camera she just got for her birthday. Mom asked her to take some pictures.”
He flipped through the rest of the album. His dad was in almost all of them. Some were silly. Some had the whole family. Daisy and Aaron both looked much younger. Tyler wore his usual jeans and flannel shirt.
Finally, he stopped on the very last page. It was another picture of him and his dad against that bright blue truck. But this time, their smiles weren’t as big, and Tyler had his arm around his dad’s back. It was definitely the most heart-wrenching picture of the bunch, even for me, who’d never met his dad.
Tyler chuckled as he gazed down. “This is the one. Mom picked this one.” He paused, biting his lower lip. “She had it blown up. Displayed it at the funeral.”
Tears flowed down Tyler’s face as he tried to wipe his eyes along his scratchy wool sweater sleeve. I closed the album and gently tossed it to the end of the bed, then I stood up in front of him brought him tight against my chest.
I stood there and squeezed him as hard as I could, trying to let him know it was okay for him to cry on me. I had seen him get teary-eyed two other times when he talked about his dad, but it was never more than a passing moment. This was different. I felt him inhaling in short gasps, trying to stop, but it was useless. I just bent forward and tightened my arms around him, letting him sob against my sweater until he finally stopped and pushed me away.
I found a box of tissues on the same shelf as the album. I put the box in his lap and sat beside him on the bed, rubbing his back.
Tyler wiped his eyes and blew his nose. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t be.”
“No, I’m sorry. I look like such a pussy right now.”
“You don’t, honey. I promise.”
He wiped his face again and turned to me with a crooked smile. “Yeah, I do.”
“No, stop saying that. I know you’re having a hard time in this house.”
His lips quivered as he took a slow, deep breath. “Yeah.” He let out a sad chuckle. “Every person in that living room. Every fucking sentence starts with, ‘I was just thinking about something that happened with your dad.’”
I laughed. “I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you. That voice you used. You sound just like some of your uncles.”
“Yeah.” He made a funny face and started with the voice again. “‘It was back in ‘78. Or maybe it was ‘77. And I just bought this new Pacer. And your dad was there...’”
I couldn’t stop laughing. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh at your pain.”
“It’s okay. It helps to laugh. I don’t know why they think I wanna come home and hear all these stories. I’ve heard ‘em all before anyway.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Thanks for putting up with me, Susie.”
“What are you talking about? Put up with you?”
He smirked. “I don’t cry like that.”
“Hey, neither do I. And you’ve seen me cry a bunch of times now.”
“But that’s different. You’re a girl.”
“Ah.” I snuggled in closer. “That’s right. Guys cry, too. You just do it by yourselves where nobody can see you.”
His lips pressed together, tight. “I will not confirm or deny.”
“You don’t have to.” I smiled. “Baby, I really don’t look down on you for crying. I know this has to be rough on you. I have a feeling...”
“What about?”
“You. Your family.” I put my hand on his knee. “You never had a chance to grieve your dad, did you? You were too busy taking care of everyone else.”
He looked down at my hand for a long time, silent. Then he closed his eyes and brought the tissue up to wipe them.
“It’s okay.” I had to reach around Tyler to get a tissue of my own to take care of the tears that started to roll down my cheeks before I even felt them.
“Aw.” He kissed the top of my head and put his arm around my back. “I’m sorry, baby. You went through a lot when you lost your parents too, huh?”
I nodded. “Yes. I know about not getting to grieve.” I slowly forced air out of my mouth, wondering how much I should tell him. “Before you came in here your brother and sister were grilling me about my family.”
“Huh?” His eyes and mouth were both wide open. “Both of ‘em?”
“Mostly Daisy.”
“Damn it. I promise I didn’t put them up to it. I’ll talk to her.”
“It’s okay. I know it’s weird, this thing with me never talking to my siblings.” I sniffled. “I forget how weird it is. Especially seeing you around those two. This is just how my life is, you know? I don’t really think about it.”
“I know. And you’ll tell me all about it someday, right? Maybe in January?"
I nodded.
“Okay then,” he said. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry they ganged up on you.”
“They just care about you. That’s obvious.”
“They’re both acting weird.” His voice was weary. “Something’s not right. I thought it was just because I’d been gone so long but I feel like there’s more to it.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“I don’t know. They’re both a little more chummy than usual. And Daisy won’t look me in the eye for long.” He drew me closer to his side. “At least you’re here though. Glad I brought you.”
“But maybe I’m the problem. They might be just fine if I wasn’t here.”
“Nah. They’re hiding something. I can tell.” He sighed what sounded like a genuine sigh of relief. “But I can’t let myself worry about it anymore. I gotta let ‘em take care of themselves, I guess.” He let out another sigh, this time, not-so-relieved.
We sat there on the bed for a while longer, both of us lost in thought. After a few minutes, he pulled me down on the bed, embracing me as we both lay on our sides. I felt his fingers playing absently with my hair. Neither of us said a word.
I didn’t ask what he was thinking about, but I was sure it was his family. The loss of his father. The drama with his brother and sister. And I was glad he didn’t ask what I was thinking. I knew my answer would only provoke more questions, and I didn’t feel like crying about my own family. I only wanted to get lost in that sweet man’s arms and pretend we were anywhere else.
Susie
Friday, November 26, 2010
7:00 p.m.
“There aren’t many people here." I squeezed Tyler’s hand as we strolled through the gigantic dining room of Handler’s Bar and Grill. Most of the tables were empty except for a few families sitting in big wooden booths along the walls.
“There will be."
He pulled me through the dining room, heading for the bar in the back. I briefly pressed the side of my head against his arm, hard enough for him to feel through his leather jacket. He responded with a quick glance and a sweet grin. I had never felt so mushy in all my life. It was fun to be with Tyler as a couple and let myself slip further into the role of his girlfriend. It was probably a feeling most girls were accustomed to by the time they were in high school, but it was shiny and brand new for me at twenty-five.
Maybe I’d finally gotten used to the idea of letting my guard down. It helped that Tyler seemed so proud and doting when he introduced me to new people. We had formed a deeper, surprising bond in the past few days ever since he broke down and cried over his father. I wasn’t used to being around other people my age who knew what it was like to lose a parent, particularly that one parent you loved and admired more than anyone else in the entire world. I didn’t realize just how much his dad meant to him until this trip.
Was that the reason we bonded so quickly in that coffee shop on that cold day in October? Did we both go about our day-to-day lives with the same overwhelming loss, unaware of how much we were constantly affected by it?
The previous night I stayed up late and watched Tyler sleep as I pondered how deeply I cared for him. My resounding fear was ever-so-slowly melting away. For the first time in my life, it almost felt more painful to hold onto that fear than to let it go.
Notice, I said almost.
The fear still hung over my head like a tree branch that needed only a tiny gust of wind to send it crashing to the ground, but at least my odd little fantasies of running away from Tyler were less frequent.
When we entered the back room, a girl with long, wavy dark hair who sat at the bar by herself, turned to stare at us. Her face was heavily made-up and her red shirt was tight and revealing. Did she always dress this way or was she just there to impress someone… namely, my Tyler?
I suddenly felt underdressed and unprepared. I was too busy to put on more than a little bit of makeup, and under my heavy coat was a pink sweater and jeans. At least my boots were pretty. I bought them at a department store earlier that day when I went shopping with Leona. They were my effort to be fashionable and also survive the enormous patches of ice that lingered after the big snow.
The girl’s mouth opened slightly. Enough to let me know she was at least mildly surprised. She gave Tyler a once over before cocking her head to the side and saying, “Hey asswipe.”
Tyler smiled. He took a few more steps toward her as I trailed along beside him. “Hey bitch face.”
Her eyes and mouth opened in shock. “Bitch face?”
Tyler laughed. “I’ve been saving that one for a while.”
She exhaled like it took every ounce of effort she possessed. Her arms stretched out. “Come here.”
He took one more step and let go of my hand to give her a hug while she sat on her bar stool. Then he straightened up and put his hand on my back. “This is Susie.” He turned to me. “Susie.” He motioned to the girl. “Crystal.”
“Nice to meet you.” I smiled.
Crystal nodded and turned around in her seat to wave at the bartender. She pounded the bar a few times to get his attention. “We need some drinks over here.”
“Hey!” The cute, smiling bartender leaned across the bar at Tyler. “J. T.! You're home.”
As Tyler and the bartender spoke, Crystal hopped off the barstool. “Let’s go over here.” We walked to a large surrounded by at least ten chairs. She asked me to have a seat at the head of the table. She sat down to my right.
“Where’s Aaron? I thought he was working?" I asked.
Her face clouded with tension. She took a glance at the bar. “He’s supposed to get off early. He’s around. Somewhere.”
“This is a nice place. You hang out here a lot?”
She shrugged. “Yeah. Not as much as I used to. I work a lot."
“I heard you’re a nurse?”
“Uh-huh. And I’m so glad to have a Friday night off. First time in a while." She cleared her throat and put her elbows on the table. “So, you go to school with Tyler?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “And you’re one of the first people I’ve met here who doesn’t call him J.T.”
She chuckled. “Yeah. Took some getting used to. Most of us call him Tyler now.”
I giggled, mostly because I wa
s nervous. There were a lot of things I wanted to know about Tyler and, from what he told me, Crystal probably had a lot to say... if I could get her to open up without being too obvious. I saw Tyler was still at the bar, already drinking from a bottle of beer, laughing and talking with the bartender. I took a deep breath and looked intently at Crystal. “You’ve known him for a long time, huh?”
“Oh yeah.” She let out a tiny laugh and rolled her eyes.
“Well... uh...” I stammered.
“What? He told you we dated, right?” she asked.
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