*****
“John? John Delaney! Imagine seeing you here today,” Stuart Noel said.
“Stuart,” John said. “What are the odds? I guess everyone in New York is out enjoying the great weather today.” He paused before adding, “You know, I called you a couple of times last week, but your secretary said you were out.”
“Sorry, Nicole was sick at home with the flu and, well…, you know how that is. With the kids and all.”
“I do,” John said.
“And is this your son?” Stuart said.
“It sure is,” John said.
“Wow, he is getting so big.”
“Growing like a weed.”
Stuart, glancing down at Billy, said, “And what is your name?”
“Today, I am Spiderman,” Billy said. “But Billy is my real name. Spiderman is only my alter ego.”
“That’s great,” Stuart said with a chuckle. “You know, my son loves Spiderman too.”
“What would you like, sir?” the ice cream vendor interrupted.
“Oh, right…, sorry Stuart, give me a second,” John said. He grinned as he pointed to Billy and added, “we are on a secret mission.”
“No problem,” Stuart said as he held up his own ice cream cone. “I had a similar mission for my own son. Except mine required a twenty-minute wait.”
“I would like a Dove Bar and an ice cream sandwich,” John said to the vendor.
“Dove bar? I hope we aren’t out. They have been very popular today,” the vendor said. After bending over into the freezer, and rearranging some of the other selections, he said, “You are in luck. We have one left.”
John turned to Stuart and said, “Thank God for that. The Dove bar was a special request from my wife.”
“You certainly don’t want to mess that up,” Stuart said with a chuckle.
“Don’t forget the Nutty Buddy,” Billy interrupted.
“Now, now, Billy,” John said. “You had your ice cream already.”
“It’s not fair,” Billy said as he stomped his foot. “You and Mommy are getting ice cream.”
“Yes, but we haven’t eaten ours yet. You can get another one, maybe later,” John said as Billy crossed his arms, huffed out a big gasp of air and frowned.
The vendor passed John the ice cream. John paid, stepped out of the line, and turned back to Stuart.
“Are you going to be in the office next week?” John asked.
“Actually, no,” Stuart said. “I have to fly out to California on Monday.”
“This is a problem,” John said. “We really need to get together on those projections your team sent over to my office — and soon. I went over some of the numbers on your prospectus, and there is no way they are going to pass muster with the Dog & Pony show we are planning for the big institutional guys.”
“Oh?” Stuart asked. “You don’t think this will screw up our rollout, do you?”
“Daddy,” Billy said as he pulled on John’s pants leg. “Don’t forget our mission.”
John turned to Billy and then looked up the hill to the beach blanket where they had been sitting. There was Sylvia, stretched out reading her book. It wasn’t that far, and for the moment, it was relatively quiet. The large mob choking the park earlier appeared to have temporarily dissipated. “Tell you what, Buddy. I have a special mission here with my friend, so, why don’t you go take Mommy her ice cream for me. Can you do that?”
“Sure thing, Daddy,” Billy said. “And I promise not to drop it this time.”
“That’s great, Buddy,” John said. “And if you go right there, and don’t drop it, I will buy you another Nutty Buddy before we leave today.”
“Yay!” Billy squealed as he started to walk up the hill. His steps were plodding and cautious; the prospect of another Nutty Buddy hanging in the balance is a tremendous incentive. IPO boy was an expertise at performance-based compensation packages.
“Cute kid,” Stuart said.
“Thanks.”
“Now…,” Stuart said, “about these projections, exactly what do you think is wrong with them?”
John smiled, turned back to Stuart, and began to speak.
*****
“Well now, you sure look relaxed,” John said as he stood over Sylvia. She was deep asleep, the trashy novel placed squarely on her chest.
“What the—” Sylvia said as she sputtered awake. “Oh. Sorry. I must have dozed off.”
“I guess old Fabio there just isn’t as exciting as he used to be, eh?” John said as he pointed at the cover of her book. “So, did the Dove bar meet up with your expectations? You got the last one, I think.”
“What? I haven’t—”
“—And where did Billy run off to?” John said as he scanned the perimeter.
“What?” Sylvia exclaimed as she quickly sat up. “I thought he was with you!”
Click… Click… Click…
Chapter 3
April 17th, 2017 - UVid headquarters - Mountain View, California - 9:15 AM
“You are going to really love our dental insurance, Sylvia,” Gloria said. “No co-pay, no deductible, 100% coverage all the way — for everything.”
“Wow, impressive,” Sylvia said. “And you would think, with all of the candy you folks push around here, that extensive of coverage would be cost prohibitive.”
“You are a funny lady, Sylvia,” Gloria said. “You are going to fit in around here just fine.”
“Well, I noticed there was a certain high level of dry humor running strong in the Quarts department. I thought I might as well get on board early.”
Gloria’s expression darkened a bit, and she nodded. “Yes…, they are a…, well…, I suppose one must maintain a healthy sense of humor. Especially given the sort of…, you know, work they do.”
“Yes,” Sylvia said. “Humor, and especially gallows humor, is very prevalent in certain high-stress occupations. You should hear what policemen, EMTs and firemen say during their off times. It can get very dark — very dark indeed.”
“Yes, I am sure it does…,” Gloria said. “Which, uh, brings me to the last topic. I know you are moving here from New York.”
“Yes.”
“Do you have any locals we can use for an emergency contact?”
“Sadly, no. I am all alone out here on the west coast. I am sure eventually I will make some acquaintances, but for now, it is just Snowy and me.”
“Snowy?”
“My white Pomeranian,” Sylvia said as she smiled. “I am not moving everything from New York until June, but I wanted to get started on my new job as soon as possible. Snowy and I are living in a fully furnished apartment down on Camino Real. It is…, well…, you know, I have the name of the place here somewhere but…”
“Avalon Terrace?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“Oh, that’s a beautiful place,” Gloria said. “And very pet-friendly.”
“Like here,” Sylvia said. “It was one of the reasons I picked it.”
“Absolutely. I would bring my cat Mittens to work if I could. But cats are known for possessing many admirable traits but traveling well is not one of them.”
“No,” Sylvia said with a chuckle. “And I am sure I will bring Snowy into work, eventually. It may be a while, though. She is still recovering from the plane ride.”
“Yikes,” Gloria said. “I am sure that was traumatic. I have never flown my little Mittens anywhere, and I can only imagine. All that noise in the cargo hold, the poor baby. I am sure it was most upsetting for her. But maybe not. Dogs are different.”
“They are, but, Snowy can be quite the drama queen. Mittens, I am sure, could do no worse than my white princess. She sulked up a storm the first day we were here, but, she soon recovered. Now she loves our new place. It is so much bigger than our old apartment back in New York, and it has a patio and access to a yard — dog heaven.”
“Avalon Terrace is a very nice place. We have quite a few of our employees living there. Who kno
ws, there may even be a carpool you can join?”
“Well, that would be convenient. Having lived in New York for years, I never bought a car. No need to, and certainly not worth the hassle, and expense, of parking.”
“I bet,” Gloria said. “You know, I should have noticed your Avalon Terrace address from the Employee Data Form. God knows I have typed it in enough times. But anyway…, given that Pommes, although a bright breed, are probably not the most reliable of Emergency Contacts, who should I list instead?”
“Do I have to list anyone?”
“Well…, hmmm, that is an interesting question,” Gloria said. “I can honestly say, I don’t think anyone has ever asked that before.”
“I am a very private person,” Sylvia said. “You understand.”
“I do,” Gloria said flatly. “I don’t know whether it is possible to skip that section, but, I will try.” She focused her eyes tightly onto the computer screen and tried to advance her cursor to the next question. It was no use. It would not move. “Sorry. It appears our system requires an emergency contact.”
“I see,” Sylvia said as she glanced down at the desk.
“But…, don’t worry about it,” Gloria said. “You have to remember, we have the best internet security systems in the world here. I mean, we are UVid, after all. You don’t have to worry about any of your personal information getting out. It will be safer here than anywhere else on earth.”
“I am sure it will be,” Sylvia said.
“And if you cannot come up with anyone local to use as a contact, surely you have some family back East you can list?”
“No. No family.”
“I see…,” Gloria said as her eyes darted back over to the screen. The cursor continued to blink, the flashing green signal appearing impatient for the final input to complete the setup procedure. She squinted and said, “How about a close friend then? It doesn’t have to be family.”
“That I have,” Sylvia said. “OK, list Gayle Nussbaum. Her address is 232 West 34th street…”
*****
Another thirty minutes passed before the new employee survey input was finally completed. After the standard W4s and 401K paperwork were finished, and a full tour of the facilities was had, Gloria took Sylvia down to the Quality Assurance Ratings Team (Quart) in the basement. As the elevator door opened onto the bottom floor, a tall, heavily tattooed man approached. His broad, friendly smile was a stark contrast to his overall appearance. He, like almost everyone Sylvia had met so far, appeared to be in his early to mid-twenties, although after a closer look at his face, she thought he might be older. There was a hint of a few grey streaks in the man bun he wore. By UVid metrics, he was ‘old’, possibly 35, which of course meant she was ancient.
Extremely tall, he was dressed all in black. Thick silver rivets ran up his pants legs, which were tucked tightly into a rather imposing set of black leather hiking boots. His T-Shirt, which fully exposed his elaborately tattooed arms, said it all. It was a cartoon picture of a unicorn, reared back on its haunches with its mouth open wide in a primal scream. The words over the image were ironic, of course, and spelled out, in loud bubblegum pink lettering, the slogan —“The Rainbow Brite Fisters - 2015 World Tour — Sausalito, Burbank, and Fresno”. Sylvia could not help but stare. Which, she suspected, was the whole point.
“So, here is where I am going to turn you over to one of the top team leaders at UVid, Steve Rickshaw,” Gloria said as she pointed to the man approaching. “He is one of the chief supervisors in this department and will fill you in on all of the technical aspects of the job, as well as being the leader of your section.” She paused before adding, “and you will soon discover that Steve is the absolute best in this field. He has been with us for nearly ten years now, so there is no greater expert around here.”
“Yep,” Steve said as he looked over at Gloria. “A full decade on sewer patrol — where on earth does the time go?”
Gloria winced.
“But, it has been a productive time trudging around in the septic tank of the world, and we always need new recruits,” Steve said. Turning back to Sylvia, he shook her hand and said, “Glad to have you onboard.” He glanced down at Sylvia’s employee file and said, “I assume Gloria got you up to speed on all of the benefits and what not.”
“I did,” Gloria said.
“It is an impressive facility,” Sylvia said.
“Yeah, but the best benefits are not listed in the manual,” Steve said. “Snacks on demand has been my own personal golden handcuff to this place. After all, who can resist an endless supply of Baby Ruths?”
Sylvia laughed, and said, “I will admit, it is a most unusual, but fantastic perk. I am sure I am going to take full advantage, and no doubt ultimately balloon up into a whale.”
Gloria patted Sylvia on the shoulder, glanced nervously around the room at the various workers silently working at their desks, and said, “Well…, you are in good hands here. I will be off.” She then quickly turned and rushed back onto the elevator.
“Gloria doesn’t like to hang around down here too long if she can help it,” Steve whispered into Sylvia’s ear as they both watched the elevator doors close behind her. “She much prefers her upper world, all glass and chrome and nice and neat. So sad. Some people just are afraid of hanging out in the garbage, you know. It is like she has some sort of condition.”
“Purgamentophobia,” Sylvia said.
“The what now?” Steve said.
“The irrational fear of garbage,” Heather, one of the Quarts walking by, interrupted.
“Excellent! I am impressed,” Sylvia said as she turned to view the unexpected visitor. She turned back to Steve and added, “You have a bright team it seems. This is not a term most would understand.”
“Oh, Heather is real bright,” Steve said, his tone dripping with sarcasm, as he pointed to Heather. “I guess she finally found a reason to show off something she learned from that Psychology Degree she got from UCLA. You two should have a lot in common.”
“Oh?” Heather said.
“I have a Ph.D. in Psychology,” Sylvia said. “In fact, for the past 25 years, I was a professor in the field at NYU.” She extended her hand to Heather and shook it. “Pleasure to meet you, Heather.”
“Same here,” Heather said. “Well, this is truly amazing. A Ph.D. in Psychology! I never got that far, but I wanted to. Life seemed to get in the way.”
“It has a tendency to do that sometimes,” Sylvia said.
“So, Doctor, I hope you are prepared to see everything you ever read about in the DSM acted out daily, and on screen, in full living gruesome technicolor,” Heather warned.
“What the hell is a DSM?” Steve asked.
“DSM stands for Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental disorders,” Heather said. She winked over at Sylvia and added, “And it won’t take long for you to discover that Steve here is a perfect example of puer aeturnus. In fact, he is such a classic case, he could probably have his own page in the manual.” She pointed at his shirt, shook her head, and said, “for a man his age to wear his band’s t-shirt to work is a sure giveaway.”
Sylvia suppressed a giggle and stared down at the floor. She didn’t correct Heather, as she did not want to embarrass her. Nothing was more offensive than being corrected in public, especially by a stranger. And she didn’t want to be a know-it-all, either. God, she hated know-it-alls, and it was always a temptation to be one herself. Puer Aeternus, AKA ‘Peter Pan’ syndrome, was not in the DSM, but, if it were, Heather would probably be right. Thirty-five-year-old men still chasing their teenage-boy fantasies of achieving Rock-God status made up a huge number of Peter Pan Syndrome sufferers. To avoid getting off on the wrong foot with her new boss, Sylvia quickly changed the subject. “So, Steve, exactly how does this whole video review system work?”
Steve shook his head and laughed, instantly putting Sylvia more at ease. “Oh, I can see it is going to get very fun around here, especially now that my assista
nt Heather has a new playmate. God help me! Now that I have two headshrinkers in the department, I am going to be completely outnumbered.”
Sylvia grinned.
“But, before we get you started,” Steve said, “a few preliminaries. Are there any particular issues you are more sensitive about, or, are there certain subjects you would most like to avoid?”
“I don’t understand,” Sylvia said. “I thought the videos would just come in — raw.”
“No, it doesn’t work that way,” Heather interrupted. “And thank God for that!”
“Yeah, we would be quickly swamped in a deluge of depravity,” Steve said. “No…, although the AI routines have not been perfected,” he winked as he added, “and that is why we all still have jobs, they are at least capable of sorting out the videos into certain categories.”
“Yeah, we don’t review everything. It would be impossible,” Heather said. “Just the troublesome ones.”
“Oh,” Sylvia said. “I was told that—”
“—No,” Steve said. “The HR department barely knows what we do. Which is just as well. If we reviewed everything, we would spend most of our day looking at cat videos.”
“And we save those for the Eye Bleach Lounge,” Heather said.
“You got that right,” Steve said.
“Eye Bleach Lounge?” Sylvia asked. “What is that?”
“You will love it, I am sure,” Steve said. “It is one of the most popular areas down here. And hey, with your background, you might even be able to make some suggestions on how we can improve it.”
Eye Bleach Page 4