“You know what’s even better than this?”
I don’t. I mean, I could guess, but I don’t know. Because I’ve never done this, or anything like this. But suddenly I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. “What? What’s better than this?”
“Skin-to-skin contact. You’ll be warmer with nothing between us.”
“Well, isn’t that convenient?”
He lowers himself a little more, until I can feel his breath against my ear. “Convenient or not, it’s true.” His mouth closes over my earlobe sucking gently, and a spark of sensation shoots straight down my spine to settle into the sensitive region where his knee is still pressed against me.
I wedge my hands between us, intending to push him away, but my body won’t cooperate. My fingers like the texture of his skin. The firm warmth. “What are you doing?”
“Warming your ear,” he whispers. Then his lips close over my lobe again, surrounding it with a hot, wet pressure. Flicking his tongue against the tip.
It’s everything I can do not to grind against his knee, and that’s just from him sucking on my earlobe. What will happen if he puts his mouth…elsewhere?
“We should get some sleep.” It actually hurts me to utter those words, when sleep is the last thing I want right now. But that’s the mature thing to do. Right?
“Sleep?” Jai sounds like he’s unfamiliar with the concept. “You actually want to sleep?”
No. “Yes.”
He frowns. Then he slowly removes his knee from the juncture of my thighs and lowers himself onto the mattress to my right. For a second, I think that’ll be it—that he’s just going to go to sleep—and I’m undeniably disappointed that he would give up so easily. Even though he’s doing exactly what I told him I wanted.
I’m a big, fat liar.
But then Jai’s body curls around me, spooning me, and his breath stirs my hair. “I’ll sleep, if that’s what you want. But you really should take off your clothes. Your shirt, at least. For the warmth.”
Ahhh, god. There’s logic in that. Right?
“I…can’t.” But my firm stance on the issue has probably been compromised by the fact that I just moaned my refusal.
“If you’re afraid I’m going to break your rule, you can relax. I’m not going to do anything you don’t—”
“I’m not worried about you breaking my rule,” I admit.
A beat of silence hangs between us. “Oh, princess, you never should have said that. You just tipped your hand.”
“Are we playing cards?”
“We’re playing something. And I can’t tell whether you want to win or lose.” He slides one hand over my hip, but the touch is restrained; it doesn’t stray toward the front or the back, even though his fingers dig into my flesh for a second, as if he’s fighting that very urge. “Roll over,” he groans.
“Why?”
“Because I want to kiss you.”
“No.”
“You’re a masochist,” Jai accuses. “You actually seem to enjoy denying yourself pleasure.”
I roll over just so I can glare at him. “You are so damn arrogant! Assuming I want to kiss you just because you want to kiss me. But I’ve done that already, and I have news for you—it wasn’t that good!”
He laughs. “You’re a masochist and a liar.”
Jai sees right through me. And my only option, now that I’m caught in a lie, is to double down. Right?
“Seriously. You’re not that good a kisser.”
Another laugh, and his eyes catch the glow from the moon as he stares down at me. “You’re supposed to tell me you’ve had better.”
“I…” I frown, and the lie won’t come out.
“Oh my god. That was your first kiss, back there in the stream.” He sounds truly surprised. So, virginity makes me weird, but never having been kissed makes me an utter freak.
But if he knew how I grew up, how isolating it is to live in a metal and polymer tower, the only child around for light years. Then the only teenager, with no one around to…touch. To kiss. With whom to share a mutually awkward initial sexual exploration.
Jai runs one finger down my cheek. “How is that possible? If I’d known, I would have…”
“What? Made fun of me?” My face burns with humiliation.
“No. I would have…tried harder. I didn’t realize I was working with a blank slate.” He leans down and sucks my earlobe into his mouth again, and again an echo of that spark shoots through me to pool low in my body, triggering a familiar, frustrating ache. “That mine would be the kiss by which all others are measured…” He’s teasing me, and he’s not being cruel, but I still feel totally out of my league. Inexperienced and stupid. Naive.
I put one hand on his chest and push him back until I can see his eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself. Like I said, it wasn’t that great a kiss, even with nothing to compare it to.”
“Really?” His gaze sparkles with amusement, which either means that I’m the galaxy’s worst liar or he’s the most arrogant man on the planet.
Or both.
“Really.” I look up at him, my gaze caught on his mouth. I’m practically daring him to kiss me again. To prove me wrong. This ache building low inside me can’t be sated by his mouth on mine; even I know that. But one more kiss would be a start.
“Well, if that’s the case, I guess I won’t kiss you again.” He leans down, slowly, and I still can’t look away from his mouth. Then he’s so close I can’t focus on his face, so I close my eyes. Waiting. Aching. His breath skims my lips. Stubble from his chin brushes my cheek, and I hold my breath. “Until you ask me nicely,” Jai finishes.
I choke back a groan. “Never gonna happen.”
“In that case…” His lips brush mine with every word, and I am caught in the moment. Waiting. Hoping. “I’m going to have to make you beg.”
“Agh!” I shove him, and he rolls onto his back, laughing. “You are so full of yourself!”
“You could be full of me too,” he offers, and when I try to shove him again, unable to hide my smile, he rises onto his elbow and stares down at me. “You tipped your hand, Rayla. I know you want me, and I’m ready whenever you are.” He presses his hips against me, and I suck in a little breath when I feel his erection, hard against my thigh.
“I just met you. I’m not going to sleep with you,” I insist, struggling to inject conviction into the words.
Jai’s quiet grin lights me on fire. “I think you are.”
“Why on earth would you think that?”
“Because you’re the girl in the glass bubble. Your life has been full of filtered bathwater and sterile fountains. Polished floors and controlled climates.” Jai’s gaze captures mine, and it’s like he can see right through me. Through every denial. Through every lie. “But I saw your face when you stepped in the mud. When you waded into the grime at the bottom of the stream. You like trying new things. And I’m betting you like them dirty. I think you’re going to like sweat. Grass burns on your back. Bite marks on your neck. I think you’re going to like lips, and fingers, and teeth. I think you’re going to want them all over you.”
His gaze sweeps down my body, and oh, god, I want everything he’s offering.
“I think that if you do get off this planet and climb back into your glass bubble without rolling around in the dirt with me, you’re eventually going to meet some nice, clean-cut college boy who’ll lay you down on soft sheets, and wash his hands, and roll on a layer of latex so that he doesn’t really have to touch you, and when he’s done, and you’re all alone in your cold, empty bed, you’re going to cry yourself to sleep wondering what you missed out on. Here. With me.”
Oh, fuck…
“If you get in your rescue shuttle without letting me touch you…” He slides one hand down my stomach and between my thighs, applying light pressure through my pants in a place I’ve never been touched, and it’s everything I can do to keep from opening my legs for him. “You are never, ever going to know what cou
ld have been. And that’s going to haunt you for the rest of your life.”
We hike across zone four for two more days, stopping to rest and eat food from our packs every few hours. Every time we spot a loner in the distance, Jai grabs my hand and tugs me down to squat in the grass, until he—it’s always a he—passes out of sight.
Each time we hear a stream, we head for it so we can refill our canteens and strip down to our underwear and rinse off, to get rid of the sweat, at least. The day is hot enough that our underwear dries in about half an hour, during which I try not to stare at Jai’s bare chest.
He makes no such effort, even though my prison-issue bra is about as sexy as a recycle bin liner.
He’s clean. I keep stealing glances at his prison number to assure myself of that. If I decided I wanted more from him than a tour of zone four, that would be okay. Right?
The scenery is gorgeous and the fresh air is invigorating. But the exercise is brutal, and we spend my second and third nights on Rhodon sleeping on the ground in a forest clearing, with only Jai’s sheet between us and the cold, hard ground.
I go to bed both nights curled around my gun, so exhausted that I only have a few minutes to think about how good Jai feels pressed against my back—and where I’d rather he be—before I fall asleep.
On my third night on Devil’s Eye, I’m so relieved when Jai points out another empty building on the horizon that I don’t complain when we head inside, and I find only another narrow mattress lying on bare concrete. Compared to the forest floor, this is luxury. I understand that now. I eat, head outside to relieve myself, then I curl up next to Jai on the mattress in a spooning position that is starting to feel both familiar and damn near cozy.
“You know what to do if you want more than just warmth tonight,” he whispers into my ear, and the brush of his breath against my skin raises chill bumps all over my flesh, while a more scandalous warmth settles deep and low inside me. He nudges me with his hips, and his erection presses against my backside. “I’m ready whenever you are. All you have to do is beg…”
Bastard.
I can’t sleep. I’ve been lying here for at least an hour, with Jai curled around me, and I’m warm everywhere that his body heat bleeds through my clothing, but in a greater sense, I’m still cold. I’m a candle wick waiting for the touch of a flame. A bonfire waiting be lit. I am the moment of anticipation that comes before any life-changing event, and that moment was never meant to last longer than a heartbeat. Yet this one has lingered, because, true to his word, he’s not going to touch me, beyond this shared warmth, until I beg for it.
And as badly as I want what he’s offering—there’s no sense denying that, even to myself—I can’t bring myself to ask for it. I don’t know how to do that. The sum of my life experiences has taught me to be good. To do as I’m told. To wait patiently for life to happen to me.
I don’t know how to take life for myself.
Yet if I don’t, this moment is going to pass. Jai is going to get bored and fall asleep, and I will have missed my chance. Again.
I can’t sleep next to him for another night without touching him. Without being touched…
“Jai?” I whisper, before I can chicken out on the impulse.
“Mmmm?” He snuggles closer, burying his nose in my hair, and I can feel his breath, warm against my neck.
“I’m still cold.”
“That’s unfortunate,” he says, and I groan.
“I want…” I bite off the rest of the words and start over. “Can you…?” That one’s a dead end too.
“Rayla.” His voice is a rumble against my neck, his breath a damp warmth on my skin. “Just tell me what you want.”
But I can’t. The ache between my legs is all-consuming now, knowing that the solution is right there. That it’s pressed against me, still hard and ready to go. But my face is flaming, and the words refuse to be said.
I’m gonna have to come at this sideways.
“I…I’m going to take off my shirt. For skin-to-skin warmth.”
“Thanks for the warning,” Jai says on the tail of a chuckle, and I sit up in the dark, wishing we had a blanket to huddle under. That way I could be naked—or at least topless—next to him, without feeling so…exposed.
I sit up and pull my shirt over my head. I can tell from the position of his silhouette in the dark that he’s watching, but he doesn’t reach for me.
“God, you’re gorgeous,” Jai whispers, and my pulse spikes. That sounds like the kind of thing a man would say right before he touches you, but as stubborn as I am, Jai, evidently, has me beat.
I lie next to him, and he curls around me again, his chest hot against my bare back. He slides one hand around my waist to splay across my stomach, and I hold my breath, sure for just a moment that this has done the trick. That he’ll make the first move, and all I’ll have to do is be receptive to his advance.
Yet his hand stays still. He’s doing exactly what I asked him to do—which is nothing—and I kind of hate him for it.
But mostly, I hate myself.
“Are you warm enough now?” he whispers.
“Not quite. I need a little more…heat.”
He groans into my ear. “Just tell me what you want. Say the words, princess, and I’ll give you everything you need.”
“I…” But I can’t, so I roll over until I’m facing him. Until my breasts are flattened against his chest, and his erection twitches between us. I’ve never been this close to a man without my shirt on, and I feel somehow both daring and timid. My right hand is wedged between us, but my left one finds his arm. I run my fingers over the tight bulges and planes—power barely contained by his flesh—then I press my lips against his. Briefly. “I don’t…” I clear my throat and start over. “Jai, I don’t know how to do this.”
“Then just tell me what you want, and I’ll show you.”
“I want you to kiss me. But I swear, if you say ‘I told you so,’ I’ll roll over and—”
Jai kisses me, teasing my lower lip until I open for him. He lifts himself over me, rolling me onto my back as his tongue slides into my mouth, and his bare chest glides across my nipples. They harden from the touch, and he groans. Then he kisses his way down my throat, over my collarbone.
I tilt my head back and arch toward him, instinctively directing him toward my breasts, where I need to feel his mouth, despite my complete inability to vocalize my own desire.
Jai’s hand slides up from my waist to cup my right breast, kneading it gently as his lips makes their way slowly over the upper curve. “You smell so good,” he murmurs, and I start to argue. I’m a sweaty mess.
But then his mouth finally closes over my nipple, and words desert me. It’s a new sensation, this hot, wet pressure. This erotic tug on a string that’s evidently connected to every pleasure zone in my body. Jai flicks his tongue, and a hungry sound leaks from my throat as I slide my hand into his hair, pinning him to my chest.
He doesn’t seem to mind.
Jai sucks a little harder, teasing my nipple with his tongue, then lightly with his teeth, while his hand glides down my stomach. His fingers slip beneath the waistband of my pants, but they stall just below my navel, and I groan. He gives my nipple another gentle nibble, then he lifts his head to look down at me.
“What are we doing, princess?”
“Um…” I frown up at him, confused, and that self-conscious flush burns in my cheeks again. “I thought you wanted to… I mean, are you really going to make me beg? Is that what this is?”
“Oh, you’re going to beg,” he assures me with a heated grin. “But before we get to that, I just want to be clear about what you want from me. I can make you scream without fucking you, if you want to wait for that clean-cut college boy. If you really think you have a way off this planet.”
Though it’s clear he doesn’t believe that.
Suddenly, despite his skepticism, I understand how very fortunate I am. Jai might still be planning to take my gun, the f
irst chance he gets, but he could take a lot more. He could already have taken whatever he wants from me. Anyone else probably would have.
“I am leaving Rhodon. But there’s no college boy.” And there never will be, if my father gets his way. There’s a reason my citizen ID number is invalid. I don’t know what that reason is, but applying for a new ID number for a twenty-year-old would raise some eyebrows with the government. Eyebrows he obviously doesn’t want raised.
I’m starting to think that even once I get off this planet, I’ll never actually make it out of orbit. I might spend the rest of my life on that space station, sneaking moments with any guard willing to risk my father’s ire, just for the chance to feel a connection with another human being. A spark. Even if that’s only a fraction of what Jai is offering me right here. Right now.
“I want this,” I whisper. “I want all of it. Everything you’re offering. Though I feel like maybe I should know something about you, beyond your first name.”
“What do you want to know?”
“Your last name? Why you were sent here?”
“I don’t know your last name,” he points out, and I decide not to press the issue on that one.
“But you know why I’m here and who I’m looking for.”
“And you know that I’m here because, like you, I was convicted of a crime. And you know I’m willing to help you find your mother. Beyond that…I’m not offering to braid your hair and tell you my deepest, darkest secrets, Rayla. I’m offering to fuck you, and to make sure you get off.”
“Well, that’s…blunt.”
“I like to be understood.”
“Me too,” I admit. Though most of the time, I’d settle for being heard.
“Good. So, is that what you want? Sex, with no strings?”
I nod. There couldn’t be strings, even if I wanted more than a night with Jai, because no string could possibly stretch from the surface of the planet, through the pyro-shield, and up onto Station Alpha.
“Oh, princess, if you’re grown up enough to want it, you’re grown up enough to say it. Tell me what you want.” His hand slides up my stomach to cup my left breast, where his thumb rubs across my neglected nipple.
Dirty Lies Page 7