Waiting to Lose

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  Kendra ran her fingers through her hair before spitting her gum into a napkin. She angled her head to the side to get a look at him. He glanced in her direction through the tops of his eyes before refocusing on his book.

  “No need to say hi!” she shouted.

  He didn’t even look up.

  Madi rolled her eyes. “When you acknowledge him like that, it defeats the purpose of him being invisible.”

  “How can he be ‘invisible’ when everywhere I look, he’s always there? He’s like body odor that lingers, even when the smelly shit leaves the room. You may not see the source, but you know it’s lurking nearby, waiting to make you cringe or maybe even puke.”

  Madi studied her for a moment as she played with a chip in her hand. “Wow, Ken. How long has it been?”

  “How long has what been?”

  “Since you had sex?”

  Kendra’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “What makes you think I haven’t been fucked?”

  “I know you. Something has you twisted and frustrated. I’m pretty sure it’s the military man who refuses to acknowledge your existence.”

  “I don’t give two fucks about Lieutenant Read-a-thon.”

  Madi took a sip of her soda. She bit the top of the straw and squirmed in her seat. “Me thinks you doth protest too much,” she sang.

  “Seriously, if someone needs a good fuck, I think it’s him. Maybe he’d stop walking like he just crapped his pants if he let his load loose.”

  Madi almost spit out her soda and Kendra smirked.

  “I mean, if he can’t find a willing participant, I’d be happy to take a look at his junk and blow him once—or maybe even twice. I’m just a giver,” Kendra said as she placed her hand over her heart.

  “I knew it!” Madi giggled and turned to see if he was still reading. She noticed a small, upward curve of his lips, and she grabbed Kendra’s arm from across the table. “Shit!” Madi whispered as her eyes widened and she dug inside her purse.

  “What, did you forget to take your pill?” Kendra asked as she shoved a chip in her mouth from the bowl on the table.

  Madi pulled out her pen and flipped a little lever before glancing back to Kendra and biting her lip.

  “What? You needed to make sure your favorite pen was nearby?”

  “It’s not a pen. It’s a receiver.”

  “A receiver? What the fuck are you talking about?”

  “Rob gave this to me so he could hear me if something was wrong. I forgot I had it on.”

  Kendra’s face turned white. Madi had never seen a reaction like that from her before. She reached across the table and grabbed her hand.

  “No… Are you telling me he heard that?” Kendra asked as her voice rose two octaves.

  “I’m sure he didn’t,” Madi said as she shook her head. “It was buried in my purse. I mean, there was no way…”

  They both turned simultaneously to stare at him. He slowly raised a finger to his right ear and tapped it. Then he shook his finger as if to say “no-no.” His eyes never left his book.

  They both turned back instantaneously and shrieked in embarrassment. “Oh shit, Madi. I was doing such a good job of making him think I hated him. Now he just thinks I want his dick. Like I’m a God damn owl waiting to get to the center of his Tootsie Roll Pop.”

  Madi stifled another laugh. “I could tell you liked him.”

  “How could you tell? I’m not even sure I do?”

  “You always give men nicknames if you think they’re worthy. Jake was a ‘fine piece of ass,’ and Rob… Well, Rob seems to get a new name daily.”

  Kendra took a sip from Madi’s soda as she contemplated her insightfulness. “I never really thought about it, but maybe you’re right.”

  “I think you two would be adorable together!” Madi bounced with excitement.

  “Put the bride magazines back in the closet of your hopeful mind. I don’t want to have his babies. I just might… want to see what’s hidden under his bulging zipper.”

  “Maybe underneath it is a bulging heart!” Madi quipped.

  “What did that piece of ass do to you? You’re ridiculous. I may have to dump you if you don’t stop trying to place your happily-ever-afters into my black heart. They don’t fit. There’s no room for misguided birds. In my world, there aren’t wings. Every bird falls flat on its face.”

  Madi studied her for a moment and Kendra recognized the look on her face.

  “Do NOT start thinking I’m a puzzle. I know that look. My pieces are scattered. A few are locked away in a vault. You won’t put my pieces together. I like being broken.”

  “I didn’t even have to say it, Ken. You said it yourself. There’s a part of you that’s broken. Someone really hurt you, didn’t they?”

  Kendra’s eyes narrowed as her lips pressed together. “No one hurts me. I’m the hurter. I turn men into boys.” Kendra laughed but it wasn’t genuine.

  “You know,” Madi began, “I’ve heard that when a bone breaks, sometimes the area over the break becomes the strongest part. It grows back better than before. I’d like to think that’s what happens to your heart. When it gets broken, it eventually heals and makes you love stronger than you did before.”

  Kendra twisted her lips into a frown. “Or it never fits together the right way again.”

  “Or… it becomes unique and more priceless than before.” Madi could tell by Kendra’s face twitching that it was time to switch the subject. “How was your test?”

  Kendra smiled as she cocked her head to the side. “Fucking aced it!”

  And she was back. Madi listened as Kendra talked about her composition and the internship she was doing for a production company in the Loop next semester. As she listened, she wondered what it would take for Kendra to find a little happiness of her own. The kind of happiness Madi had only ever felt with Jake.

  HE’D JUST SUNG his last encore and stepped into his dressing room backstage. The concert went amazingly well. Sold out again. Jake grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He glanced around the usually stocked room, but there wasn’t a water bottle to be seen.

  Ang walked through the door and closed it behind her, handing Jake several pictures to sign. As he took the pen from her hand and removed the cap with his mouth, he mumbled, “Where in the hell is the water?”

  Ang turned to examine the room from every angle. “I don’t know, Jake. I stocked it myself before the concert.”

  “Could you please get me one?”

  “Absolutely.” As Ang opened the door, Caleb pushed through. He too was sweating.

  Jake immediately noticed the water bottle in his hand. “Please tell me that’s for me?” he asked as he scribbled his name quickly across photo after photo, handing them back to Ang.

  Ang shrugged as she left to deliver the signatures. Caleb grinned and handed it to him, watching him inhale the entire bottle. Jake crumpled it up and turned to toss it in the trash.

  “Um, here… Let me take that for you.” Caleb stretched out and took the bottle from Jake’s hands.

  “Jeez, I think I can manage to throw my own garbage away.” Jake continued to wipe his face with the towel before changing into a dry shirt.

  Caleb stared at him warily as he took the bottle and shoved it into his jacket pocket. “It’s just, you don’t look good. Something’s been off with you since lunch. Are you feeling okay?”

  As soon as he said the words, Jake realized he actually didn’t feel very well. He felt a little lightheaded and dizzy. He stumbled back a few steps, and Caleb caught him before he fell.

  “Let’s get you back to the hotel. You need to get some rest. You haven’t been sleeping well, have you?” Caleb asked.

  Jake managed to shake his head no.

  Caleb led Jake through the maze backstage and into the waiting limo. Greg stretched to grab his arm to help him climb inside, but Caleb stopped him. “It’s okay. I’ve got him. I’ll ride in back with and make sure he’s okay.”

&
nbsp; Jake seemed to go in and out of consciousness the whole ride. He’d never felt so tired in all his life.

  As Greg and Caleb led him to his room, Jake couldn’t help but feel like he was drunk. Things were blurry, sounds were fuzzy and he felt like he might vomit.

  “I hope it’s not the flu,” he heard Caleb say. “I’ll stay with him for the night, Greg. You go and get some rest. I’ll call you if we need anything.”

  Jake was grateful Caleb had things under control. He pulled back the covers and Jake fell into bed. “Get some rest, Jake. I’m sure things will be better in the morning.”

  Jake quickly drifted off to sleep.

  Hours, maybe minutes, passed before he briefly opened his eyes. It felt like there were weights pulling his eyelids down to his nose. He could barely keep them open. He could hear Caleb’s voice and someone else, possibly female. He felt his shirt being pulled from his body. For a moment, he thought he might be in the hospital. As much as he tried, he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer. The last thing he remembered was feeling his pants being removed and a muffled voice saying his name.

  The sun blazed through an open window and Jake attempted to lift his head. He couldn’t. It felt heavy and hurt like he’d been hit by a train. He lay there for a moment as his eyes tried to focus on the ceiling and the small dots of stucco that spread like ants. As his eyes were able to focus, Jake carefully lifted his torso off the bed, using his hands for balance. It took him a moment to realize where he was. Hotel room… Australia. Jake tried to remember what had happened the night before, but everything was a blur. He remembered singing and going backstage, talking to someone, and maybe some pictures. He vaguely remembered the flashes of a camera. And that was it. He lifted his hand to rub his eyes, and it took all the strength he could muster. As he shifted slightly on the bed, he realized he was completely naked. He couldn’t remember getting undressed.

  The door from the hall opened and Caleb entered the room. “He lives!” he said with a smile.

  He handed Jake a welcome cup of coffee, and Jake managed to bring it to his mouth and take a sip. “What the fuck happened to me?” he slurred.

  “I think it might have been a twenty-four hour thing. You were pretty strange last night.”

  “I was?” Jake asked. “How so?”

  “After I got you back here, you laid down and fell asleep. I stayed with you to make sure you were okay. About an hour later, you jumped out of bed and started undressing yourself. You were really out of it. I tried to stop you, but you just kept going. You got really pissed and told me to leave. I didn’t want to go, but you were screaming about needing some privacy. As I turned to leave, you stopped me. You said you wanted my phone and couldn’t find yours. I left it with you and went back to my room for a bit. I must have dozed off. When I realized it had been over an hour, I rushed back to check on you and found you sound asleep in your bed.”

  Jake listened and scratched his head. “I don’t remember any of it. Who did I call?”

  “I have no idea…” Caleb said with a shrug as he lifted his phone from the nightstand.

  “Probably Madi. I must have made an ass out of myself.” Jake glided his fingers through his hair and took another sip of coffee. He lifted it slightly as he said, “Thanks for this. Could you give me a moment alone?”

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Caleb asked.

  “I’m okay.”

  Caleb turned, and the door slammed heavily shut behind him.

  Jake bent his legs over the side of the bed and dropped his head, trying to summon the energy to stand. He wobbled for a moment and balanced himself on the bed frame before he took a step forward. His jeans were folded on the chair in the corner. He stumbled over to them and pulled his phone from his pocket, searching for the time in Chicago. It was 10:00 a.m. in Melbourne, so 5:00 p.m. in Chicago, but the day before.

  Jake pushed the button and made his way back to the bed as the phone rang. She didn’t answer and it went to voicemail. Jake decided to leave a message. “Hey, babe, it’s me. I had a weird night last night. After the concert I wasn’t feeling well and I crashed. I barely remember a thing. I hope I didn’t call you and blubber about how lonely I was without you. It seems like it might have been a twenty-four hour bug or something. I’m feeling better, but last night’s still a blur. I’m going to get some rest. Call me before you go to sleep tonight. I miss you and I need to hear your voice.”

  Jake put the charger into his phone and placed it on his nightstand, crawling back under the covers and back to sleep.

  ***

  MADI CLOSED THE door to her room behind her and placed her arm over her forehead as she leaned on the door. A quick trip to the bathroom ended up being an hour-long session with a freshman who didn’t know how to tell her parents she didn’t want to come home for Thanksgiving. Madi had tried to get her to leave the bathroom, but she insisted they talk there as she applied three layers of makeup.

  She sighed and sat down at her desk. She lifted a couple of papers and glanced around the room when she couldn’t find her phone. She strained to reach for her purse without having to stand. She pulled it from the bed and the entire contents dumped onto the floor.

  “Fuck sticks.”

  As she scooted to the floor and reassembled her purse, she noticed a missed call from Jake on her home screen. “Dammit!”

  She slowly lifted herself onto the bed as she listened to his message.

  She’d wondered why he hadn’t called this morning. He was sick? She hated being so far away. She should have been there to take care of him. She desperately wanted to call him back, but stopped herself, knowing if he was ill, he needed to rest. He’d spent so much time worrying about her that he probably wasn’t taking very good care of himself. Madi stared at her phone for a few minutes and scrolled through her texts from Jake. She heard the ping of a new email on her computer, but she ignored it as she opened her photos. The selfie of Jake and her at the Chinese restaurant was priceless. She adored him.

  Her computer pinged again, then again and again. Madi sighed. Her mom must have found some interesting videos about babies for her to watch. She was always sending her stuff to make her laugh. As she opened the laptop, it continued to ping with email after email.

  “Jeez, Mom, take it easy!” she said with a giggle.

  Just as she was about to open the folder, there was a frantic banging on her door. “Madi? Open the door. Open the door right now! Please open the fucking door.”

  Madi jumped up and swung it open. Rob and Kendra burst into the room and Kendra grabbed a hold of her arms, forcing her to look into her eyes.

  “Are you okay? Are you okay?”

  Madi stiffened as she gaped from Kendra to Rob. Even Rob seemed concerned.

  “What? What happened? What’s going on? Is he here? Oh my God, did he hurt Jake?”

  Kendra and Rob exchanged glances before Kendra took a steadying breath. The emails continued to ping on her laptop.

  “Mads, sit down.”

  “No!” Madi broke away from Kendra’s hold. “Tell me right now. Is he hurt? Oh God… is he…”

  “Jake is fine,” Rob interjected. He seemed extremely uncomfortable.

  “Is it Peter? Is he here?” Madi asked, frantically spinning from Kendra to Rob and back again, hoping someone would answer.

  “As far as we know, Peter Markum is sitting in his hotel room in L.A. as we speak. There’s no danger, Ms. Ryan.”

  “Why did you just call me Ms. Ryan again? If everything is fine with Jake and Peter’s not a threat, why did you come rushing in here? Is it my mom?”

  Kendra pursed her lips as she took deep, steadying breaths. She seemed to look to Rob for some sort of comfort. He turned his head to her and shook his head as if he didn’t know what to say.

  Madi threw her hands in the air. “For the love of God, will one of you please tell me what’s going on?” Her emailed pinged again and Madi edged through them toward the sound.

  Kendra
wrung her hands and Madi pushed Rob to the side as she opened the email on her computer. There were multiple emails, all from the same source. Madi glanced back to Kendra and Kendra rushed toward her. “No! Don’t open it!”

  It was too late. A picture appeared on her screen in slow motion. It was Jake. He was lying in a bed. He wasn’t wearing anything, and Allison Gregory was naked on top of him. She was bent over him with her mouth pressed to his.

  Madi slid down into her chair as she found herself gasping for air that wouldn’t come. Kendra reached for her hand and Madi pushed her away, opening the next email.

  She could clearly see Jake’s face, eyes closed, mouth open, with Allison Gregory’s breast in his hand as she bent back on top of him in ecstasy.

  Madi clicked from email to email. Each was a different picture. A different angle. A different method of torture that she couldn’t seem to stop inflicting upon herself. With each new image, Madi felt the knife in her chest dig a little deeper. The sobs began to rack her body and soon, she only saw the blur of Jake’s face. Her body shook as she heaved. Kendra reached for her, but Madi sprung up, covering her mouth with her hand, racing into the hall.

  Kendra darted after her as Madi thrashed open the door of a stall and vomited violently. Kendra pulled back Madi’s hair as she twisted to close the door behind them. She rubbed Madi’s back as she heaved until there was nothing left. Madi gasped for air and sobbed at the same time. She dry heaved for several minutes before Kendra wiped her mouth with some toilet paper and flushed the toilet. A broken, deflated Madi slouched into her arms as Kendra opened the door. They stammered out of the bathroom, and Rob gathered Madi into his arms and carried her into her room. He laid her on the bed and placed his hand on Kendra’s shoulder.

  “I’m outside if you need me. Just call. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Kendra nodded as she climbed alongside Madi and spooned her, hugging her tightly to her chest. The sobs began again as Madi replayed the images of Jake’s deception and infidelity. She’d given him her heart. It wasn’t easy to give. He’d promised. She’d trusted. Deep down inside, she knew she’d never be enough. She knew it was just a matter of time. He lied to her. He lied again. He’d taken all of her, leaving nothing in his wake. He’d taken it all. Love took it all away. Love takes all, including your soul.