Waiting to Lose

by Dawn L. Chiletz

  Jake pulled her face to his and kissed her lips. “My girl’s a bad ass.”

  Madi shook her head as she helped him up. “I didn’t think I could do it.”

  Jake held his back as he straightened. “You most certainly can.”

  “I’m so sorry. Are you sure you’re okay?” she asked, her face etched with worry.

  “I might need a back rub tonight.”

  “Of course,” she said with an embarrassed sigh.

  “And there’s one more thing I might need.”

  “What? Anything!” she replied earnestly.

  “I might need you to admit you want to have my babies.”

  “You’re an ass.”

  She turned to walk away and he laughed, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing the back of her head.

  “I know you didn’t mean it, but I have to say, it gave me a little bit of a rush.”

  She turned into him. “What do you mean?”

  He pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “I kinda like the idea of you having my children. I also like the idea of making them with you.”

  Madi bit her lip as she gazed into his eyes. Her heart felt like it might leap from her chest. “I might have meant it.”

  He grinned as he tugged on her chin. “I think you’d be an amazing mother.”

  Her eyes twisted skeptically. “Are you messing with me again?”

  He bent down slightly, kissing her lips tenderly.

  She sighed as his mouth left hers.

  “Would you like your Christmas present?” he asked.

  Madi felt her eyes widen with excitement. It was their first Christmas together, but she really didn’t need anything more than what he gave her every single day.

  WHILE SHE WAS changing her clothes, Jake slipped her presents under the tree. He pulled his sweater over his head and tossed it onto the couch. The light from the tree glistened in the windows. Jake unbuttoned the first two buttons from his shirt and leaned on the window, staring out over the city. Chicago was beautiful at night. The lights of the city reflected off Lake Michigan. The snow that covered the rooftops made them sparkle like diamonds. He sighed as the lingering fear returned with force, gripping him from inside. He was still agonizing over bringing Madi with him to L.A. He couldn’t leave her alone, not knowing Peter was out there somewhere, waiting to make his move. As long as they were together, he could protect her. He didn’t want her out of his sight for a minute.

  Her hands slid around his waist and he tensed. “You were deep in thought,” she said.

  “Umm,” he nodded, turning to face her. “I was thinking about you.”

  “What about me?” she asked.

  “I was wondering if you’ll like the presents I got for you.”

  “I was wondering if you’ll like the presents I got for you!” she responded.

  He stepped back and examined her. I don’t see a big red bow on that robe, so I’m assuming you’re not my gift?”

  “You already have me,” she said, tugging him toward the tree. “Come sit with me.”

  Jake pulled a blanket from the couch and laid it on the hardwood floor. He held her hand as she sat down. She glanced up at him as he slid down next to her.

  “I can’t believe I’m here with you,” she said as she closed her eyes.

  He brushed the hair from her face. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

  Madi scooted over to him and he opened his legs to her so that he could wrap his body around hers. He kissed the side of her head as she leaned her back on his chest.

  “It’s a beautiful tree. I wish I could have been here to decorate it with you.”

  She turned and gazed into his eyes. “Next year,” she said.

  “Promise?” he asked.

  “I promise.”

  Jake reached around her and pulled a box in front of her. It was wrapped in red satin with a red lace ribbon tied around it.

  “For me?” she giggled.

  He smiled. She carefully unwrapped the box and turned to him, biting her lip as she lifted the lid.

  Inside was a worn brown journal held closed with a band. She smiled as she picked it up and removed the tie. Jake eyed her cautiously.

  She opened the first page. Inside were scribbles of music and lyrics from Jake’s first song, “Gone Tomorrow,” written when he was still a teenager. Madi gasped as she turned page after page of Jake’s thoughts. Sometimes there were dates with comments about how he felt and other times there were pages of music, scratched on and erased multiple times. “Turn to the back,” he told her.

  She flipped to the last page and Jake turned ten pages in, opening to a passage he’d written in May of this year.

  When I turned and saw her, my heart stopped. No girl had ever made me feel that way before. Something tells me this one is special.

  “Is this me?” she asked, her eyes filling with tears.

  He nodded. “The last few pages are all about you. Every thought I had when I pushed you away. Every feeling I had that I didn’t want to forget, and finally…” he said as he turned to the last page. “The beginnings of ‘Saving Grace.’ I started writing it when I was in Germany, after you left me.”

  Madi gazed into his eyes as a single tear rolled down her cheek. He brushed it away with his thumb.

  “I want you to have it. Everything there is to know about me is in that book. I’ve never shown it to anyone. It’s my soul on paper. I can’t think of anyone I trust with my soul more than you.”

  Madi gently placed the book back into the box and flew into his arms.

  He held her close to him as she buried her face in his neck. “Are you sure you want me to have it?” she asked, pulling back to look at him.

  “I’ve never been more certain about anything. It’s just my past. You’re my future.”

  Madi rubbed her nose with the back of her hand and Jake kissed her forehead.

  “I promise you I’ll take good care of it.”

  He nodded and squinted at her. “Two more,” he said with a smile as he slid a smaller box toward her.

  “Wait! What about you? I want to give you yours.”

  “Let me go first. I’m enjoying this way too much to stop now.”

  He handed her the box and she smiled as she tore the paper excitedly.

  The box was from Pandora, and Madi gasped.

  She opened the lid to a bracelet of diamond and pink sparkles and charms.

  “Jake!”

  He lifted it from the box and placed it on her wrist. He turned it to face her as he pulled on a heart with a key. “This is my heart. You have the key to it, so I thought it was fitting.” He turned it slightly again. “This is a two-sided coin, because without you I’m worth nothing.”

  Madi took quick, short breaths as she covered her mouth with her free hand to keep from sobbing.

  “This,” he said, turning it once more and gazing into her eyes, “is a plane, because no matter where my life takes me, it will always bring me home to you.” Madi swallowed slowly, gazing from her wrist to his face.

  “This one is a music note, because since I met you, every word I sing has more meaning, and every note I write has more life.” He turned it slightly. “And finally… this is a tube of glue.”

  Madi giggled through her tears as he gazed into her eyes.

  He took a deep breath as he stared at her face. His voice cracked as he spoke. “Because you fixed me. Every part that was broken has been healed by your love for me. You made me whole again.”

  Madi sobbed into his chest as she crawled onto his lap.

  Jake closed his eyes and breathed her in. Every word he’d said was true. He knew in his heart and in his soul he could never love anyone more.

  Madi backed away from his chest and kissed his face repeatedly. “You are crazy… and perfect… and mine,” she said in between each kiss.

  “So you like it, then?” he asked with a snicker.

  “I love it. It’s perfect. It’s everything. I hope my la
st present is a box of tissues, because I don’t know if I can stop crying.”

  Jake grinned. “I think I’ll hold off on the last gift for a moment.”

  “Can I please give you my gift now?” she pleaded.

  He nodded.

  Madi stood and ran into the bedroom.

  “Should I follow you? I think I like this gift.”

  Madi returned with a package almost as big as her, wrapped in brown paper with a red ribbon tied around it.

  “What the hell, Mads?” he said as he bent forward, standing.

  Madi bit her lip. “I hope you like it!”

  Jake grinned as he tore the paper away. With every piece he removed, he tore the next piece faster. “Holy shit. Is this what I think it is?”

  Madi jumped up and down with excitement as Jake crouched down in front of an original movie poster from the first Star Wars film, signed by all the actors with the names of the characters they portrayed.

  “Are you kidding me?” he asked as he gaped up at her. “How did you…? Where did you find…? Are you kidding me?” he laughed.

  “So you like it, then?” she questioned with a giggle.

  He stood and removed it from her hands, gently leaning it against the wall. “Do I like it? I’m going to show you just how much I love it.” He bent his head down to kiss her and she held up her hand to his mouth.

  “I’m not done.”

  Jake shook his head. “It’s already too much.”

  “Okay, well, Ang helped me with this one, so you can consider it a gift from the both of us.” She reached into her robe pocket and produced a long slender box wrapped in Santa paper.

  Jake laughed as he tore the paper from the edges. He lifted the lid to see two tickets. He glanced at her with furrowed brows as he read them.

  “The new Star Wars movie… red carpet? Tickets?” he gasped.

  Madi curled her fists to her mouth as she bounced with anticipation. Jake’s eyes darted to her face.

  “Merry Christmas!” she shouted with laughter as her hands flew over her head.

  “Holy fucking hell! The premiere?”

  “Uh huh!” she giggled.

  “Are you coming with me?”

  “I hope so! You’d better take me!”

  He slowly bent down and placed the box carefully under the tree before he lifted her from her thighs and swung her around the room. As he placed her down, something in his face shifted.

  He turned and pulled three pillows from the couch and placed them on the floor near the blanket by the tree.

  Madi watched him curiously.

  After he’d arranged them in a way that satisfied him, he glanced up to her waiting eyes.

  “Whatcha doin'?” she asked.

  He sauntered over to her and began to unfasten the tie from her robe. His eyes bore into her body as he moaned in appreciation, sliding the robe from her arms and onto the floor. Madi gasped as he trailed his fingers over the green lacey material of her baby-doll shirt, from her stomach to the lines around her breast. He took her hand in his and led her to the blanket in front of the tree.

  “Lie down, baby.”

  Madi did as he asked. He removed his shirt, as she lay watching, and slid it down his arms. He unzipped his jeans and pulled them down his legs, tossing them to the floor in a pile. Madi bit her lip in wonder as she took him in.

  Jake bent down and pressed his body into hers. “I want you,” he whispered.

  Madi inhaled sharply. Jake was pleased to know he still affected her the same way he always had.

  “Tell me you’re mine,” he asked.

  “I’m yours,” she whispered, cupping his face. He turned his mouth into her hand and kissed her gently before he made love to her into the morning.

  ***

  SHE RESTED HER head on his shoulder as the car drove onward. Christmas with his family was magical. They treated her like she belonged. Jake’s mom had been quick to point out how she knew he had feelings for her from the start. The stories about Jake as a child made her love him even more. She squeezed his arm as the happiness overwhelmed her. Jake pensively stared out the window, his fist to his mouth. When he felt her movement, he turned toward her and lifted his arm around her.

  “Did you have a good time?” he asked.

  “The best. You never did tell me what my third present was.”

  He sighed. “I’ll tell you if you promise me you’ll accept it without giving me any crap.”

  “Wow. You make it sound so appealing.”

  He smirked. “It’s already done, so you can’t take it back.”

  “Okay…” She studied him warily.

  “I paid off your tuition and your college loans.”

  “What?” she asked, jolting upright. “You didn’t!”

  He sighed. “Listen… before you start…”

  “You had no right to do that! Those loans were mine. I was handling them just fine. I don’t want your money!”

  “I know you don’t. That’s why I did it.”

  “Jake…” Madi cringed as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

  “I told you that everything I have is yours. I don’t want you moving to L.A. with any worries over your head.”

  “I don’t need you to take care of me. I can take care of myself.”

  “I know you can,” he sighed. “Please just accept my gift.”

  “Can I pay you back?” she asked.

  He sighed. “No.”

  “Dammit, Jake. Why do you always have to control everything?”

  “I wish I could control everything.” A smile dangled on the corner of his lips for a moment before his head turned back to the window.

  Madi recognized the look on his face. She decided to let this conversation go for another time. “Please don’t worry,” she begged.

  “It’s that obvious, huh?”

  “Only to me. I think you did a good job of covering with your family. You almost seemed present the whole day.”

  “Almost?” he mumbled.

  “You have that distant, far-off look in your eyes today, and although I find your brooding extremely sexy, right now it has me more concerned than anything.”

  “I know he’s out there watching, plotting and planning. I hate having to sit and wait for him to make a move. I hate it all.”

  “Maybe we should lure him out?” Madi added.

  Jake turned full-on to face her. “Are you suggesting that I put you in harm’s way, on the off chance that he’ll make a move and I’ll be able to protect you?”

  “Well, it sounded a lot better in my head, but when you put it that way…”

  Jake rattled his head. “I would never put you at risk. There’s no way I’d take that chance with you.”

  “It’s not like he doesn’t know I’m here. I’m sure by now the pictures of you and me strolling through O’Hare and LAX together have gone viral.”

  “Are you sorry?” he questioned.

  “No! I told you that I was ready.” Her hands tightened on his chest. “I like being able to finally lay claim to you.”

  “Is that what you were doing?” he smirked.

  “Did you not notice my death grip on your hand?”

  “See, I thought I was the one holding onto you for dear life.”

  “Are you sorry?” she asked, raising her head to look at him.

  “I’ve wanted to show you off to the world since the minute you became mine. I’ve never been prouder.” His lips lingered on her forehead for a moment before he turned toward the window once again.

  Madi studied him. The scowl on his face spoke volumes. She knew he hated not being in control. She knew he was more worried about Peter Markum than she was, quite possibly because she always felt safe when Jake was near her. She considered the enormous amount of pressure he was under. Tomorrow morning he had a follow up with the Los Angeles Police Department on Allison’s death, and then he had to deal with the Caleb situation. He was tired, weary, and increasingly distant. She didn�
��t know how to get through to him or help ease the tremendous amount of stress he was under.

  “Hey,” she began. “What do you say we veg out in front of the TV tonight with some popcorn?”

  He smiled briefly but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  “I have to meet with Dave tonight. Rob’s going to stay with you.”

  “You mean Rob’s going to babysit me?” she asked in a growl.

  “Madi, please. It’s not like that and you know it.”

  Madi took a deep breath to calm herself. “Why don’t I just come with you?” she asked.

  “Because I could be a few hours and you’ll be bored to tears.”

  Madi rolled her eyes. “There’s stuff you don’t want me to hear, isn’t there?”

  Jake leered at her. “Jesus, I don’t want to fight with you right now. Are you trying to piss me off?”

  Madi pushed away from him and to the other side of the car. “I’m not trying to do anything besides get you to let me in.”

  He scowled “You are in. How much deeper do you want to be in the shit that consumes my life?”

  “I want to be up to my neck in it, the way you are, so I can help you.”

  “I don’t need your help, Madi. I need you to sit with Rob and let him protect you when I’m not there to do it myself.”

  “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself!” she shouted. “I don’t need to be another job to you!”

  Jake gritted his teeth. “You’re not a job, Madi. But if you were, the worst part of it would be having to explain every little thing to you. Can’t you just do what you’re told for once?”

  “Do what I’m told?” she shouted in disbelief. The car pulled into the garage of Jake’s building and Madi darted out, slamming the door behind her.

  As she huffed her way inside, she heard Rob jutting up behind her. She knew she shouldn’t have fought with him, but his need to protect her from everything was infuriating.

  “Merry Christmas,” Rob mumbled as he opened the door.

  Madi stalked off to the bathroom without saying a word and slammed that door as well. Madi didn’t like the idea that she needed to be told what she could and couldn’t do. What was so important that Jake had to take off on her on Christmas? Was this thing between them going to work? She paced the room and realized what she needed to do.