by Kamy Chetty
An hour later with a bunch of bloodied swabs by his side the anaesthetist raised his hand to say enough. The surgeon opposite him dropped his chin in agreement. Defeat had a rusty metal taste to it. Kieran’s gaze went across to the fully gowned figure in the corner. He could barely make out a shape or form, but he could see the pain in those green depths and he saw empathy for what he felt. He’d wanted to make a difference and save Ian’s life, but in the end there was nothing he could do differently.
Ian had given up this battle long before he walked into this hospital and there was nothing he could have changed once that decision was made. The clock above the theatre door was a big black faced one. It didn’t remind him of the clock his father had in his office. This one was not fancy and did nothing but give him shivers of cold down the centre of his back.
“Time of death.” Did he call a time of death for Johnny? Of course he didn’t. Why was he thinking of him now? This was a different case. A different place, a different everything. Yet as he stood there looking at that big clock, all he could think of was how his best friend died in his arms. “Time of death, six twenty-three.”
Since Johnny, Ian was the first patient he’d lost. This feeling of being helpless was real and he sucked at feeling powerless. This was screwed up and it was as simple as that. He’d tried to save Ian, but he’d failed. Ian was only fifty-years old. That was still young enough to turn his life around. Many people found love. He could have had a family, maybe it wasn’t too late to have children.
Fifty years was still young. He’d failed the system once again. He looked down at his hands, which were clenched into fists. He wanted to punch something. Hard. It was so much easier to sit in front of a computer and not be responsible for a breathing person. There wasn’t any sign of the pins and needles sensation or the numbness in his arms. It had disappeared as soon as he walked into that theatre ready to perform surgery on Ian. Then why did he feel like such a failure?
He was crazy if he thought he could make a difference. He was wrong if he thought there was some plan in the universe and he was a part of it.
Hours later he was standing on the roof of the hospital staring out into the darkness, looking out at the lights of the harbour bridge in the distance. The answer to what he could have done still eluded him.
“Kieran?” Ash’s voice was the softness in the night that could centre him.
As much as he needed her right now, he couldn’t stand to be this close and not touch her. “You shouldn’t be here.”
She wrapped her hands around his waist as she stepped behind him. His knuckles went white as he tightened his grip on the steel rail above the roof wall. Was this going to be one of those regrettable mistakes?
“You shouldn’t be alone,” her head rested on his back. Her hand went to his torso and his chest stopped moving. Air refused to move past his lips and he knew that soon his lungs would be screaming for air. But while his body was crying for more oxygen, he wanted Ash. All of her. The truth was he’d always wanted her. He’d never wanted anyone more.
It felt natural to hold her hand at the exact spot his heart was beating wildly. As if she could calm its rapid rhythm. “I was so sure I could help him.”
He turned her around so he could look into her eyes. Did she feel the same? Was her heart about to explode? His throat clenched tight. If only he knew what she felt for him. Did she want him too? His fingers caressed her cheeks. They were as soft as he remembered. Something twisted inside him. Something he couldn’t explain, but being so close to Ash, made him feel at peace with the world in a way he couldn’t explain.
When her hand touched his face he sighed. “It’s okay Kieran. You did your best.”
How could he explain that it wasn’t enough because he failed? Ian died because he wasn’t good enough.
The moment she wrapped her arms around his neck to bring him closer, he knew that he was lost. But more importantly, she understood him.
When her lips touched the sensitive spot on his neck he moaned knowing he wasn’t going to hold on much longer.
“It’s okay,” she nipped at his neck.
Kieran knew it was wrong to want or ask anything more than the comfort she was giving him. Slowly he pulled away from her and pushed back her hair. The need in her eyes drilled deep into his consciousness.
Her lips brushed against his, sparking an electrical storm within him. She pulled the edge of her lip between her teeth and let out a sigh. “It’s okay. I want you.”
Chapter Eleven
Ash had heard about epic love stories. Did she believe the first time she met Kieran, this would come to pass? Of course not. He was wrong for her in every way she could think of. But right now her heart was fluttering in her chest like a trapped bird. If this feeling of being incomplete until she was in his arms was to continue to seep into her existence, then she was lost. And knowing what was about to happen, was nothing short of a dream come true.
She shivered. How was it possible to want someone so much that it didn’t destroy you?
“Are you cold?” he asked pulling her jacket closer.
Her lashes swept the top part of her cheeks. How could she explain that it was pure anticipation that made her tremble? She was surprised he didn’t sense her eagerness to get to the apartment. Did the minutes it took them seem like a long journey for him too? Surely she wasn’t alone in feeling this sense of urgency.
“This place is huge. We could fit three of our little rooms in this living room.” She walked to the balcony and looked out at the view. Knowing this was what she wanted was different from making it happen.
“It was cheaper to rent this for a year.” Kieran took off his jacket before turning on the heating unit. “Can I get you a warm drink?”
How could she tell him she wanted to speed things up, yet take her time? Was that possible? He would think she was flaky like everyone else if explained exactly how she felt. “I’m fine. Thanks.” If he noticed the shaky voice, he didn’t comment.
The instant he was next to her, the nerve ends in her body started to crackle and wake. As he turned her around, her breath deepened, in anticipation for what was to come.
When her gaze lifted and met his eyes, she paused. All this time she wondered what it would be like to have a man look at her like that. Now to have Kieran’s gaze on her, there were no words for what she felt. Except maybe…mind blowing.
Maybe there was a concept such as soul mates and fate. How could she not have believed in such things until this moment in time? When she was about to be devoured by a desire so strong, it left her breathless.
They reached for each other at the same time. In a tangle of lips and tongues, she gasped as rich sensation tore through her body. She’d heard about this, about passion and about wanting someone with such need that everything around you blurred into nothingness.
She thought it was girl talk. It had to be, because real life could never be like that. If it was then nobody will be able to survive each day. Her fingers went into Kieran’s hair and she pulled his head closer. He smelled so good, so familiar. Her mouth opened wider and her tongue went deeper into his mouth.
If only she could have all of him. Keep this moment as hers and not let it go. Maybe then everything that came after would not matter too much. If she could take away his pain and he could take hers. She wasn’t sure who groaned but he pulled her closer and she could feel a growing hardness against her hip.
Heat flowed from deep inside and she surprised herself with an abandon she wasn’t aware she possessed, she ground herself against him while tightening her hands around him, knowing that this moment had to last forever.
Slowly he started to break away. No. She shook her head and moaned. He couldn’t do this to her. Not again. The last time he’d left her feeling empty. Now what she felt was impossible to measure on any scale.
Her body cooled as he moved away and she watched his every move willing him not to leave. Should she tell him not to go? He swept her int
o his arms and placed a kiss on her neck, as he carried her to his room.
She expected him to be gentle. In fact she knew he would be. But having him lay her on the bed like she was a fairy princess with gossamer wings was unexpected. His gaze never left hers. Her heart thumped and her eyes burned. No one treated her like a precious gift. Until now. Until him.
When he didn’t move she sat up and turned on her side. “Is something wrong?”
He shook his head. “I’ve dreamed of this for so long―” He avoided her eyes, before coming closer and tilting her chin up. “I want to make sure I am not dreaming.”
The heavy weight between her shoulders, lifted. How was it possible to see so much of what was going through her mind in his eyes?
She straightened and sat on the bed. Still watching him, she slowly lifted herself off the bed so she could take off her shoes. Was there any snippet of information she could glean from movies that would make this easier?
Kieran watched her for a moment and then leaned back. “What are you up to?”
The truth was always the better option. “I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been alone with a man in his room, much less―” Damn, was she about to tell him that she was a virgin?
Ash turned away as her cheeks heated. A lot of people assumed that as an ex-beauty queen, she was a modern woman.
Kieran was beside her again and this time, his hands were in her hair. His palms were along her chin and he was drawing her closer. It was so natural for her to tilt her head so she could fit snugly against him, so natural for her to open her mouth again so she could taste him once more.
As he pulled her closer, her hand slowly reached for his chest and she started opening his shirt buttons, then the smoothness of his chest made her lean closer, and even though she didn’t think it possible, the kiss deepened.
When her fingertip rolled across his nipple, Kieran caught his breath and his excitement over a simple touch, had power surging within her. Within seconds his shirt lay in a heap on the floor.
“Ash, I need you so much. I’ve wanted you for so long.” He pulled her into his arms. “I don’t want to let you go. When you’re here, everything is right.”
Damn he was being so unfair on her. She was here because he needed her. He lost a patient and she was here to offer him comfort. Maybe she was here because she needed him and some sort of comfort too. Because she was selfish. But did he have to spoil things by making it more than that?
“Kiss me,” he took her hands and pulled them above her head before taking her lips.
Her nipples were tender and she yearned for his touch. She wasn’t sure when he’d taken off her top, but now that he was sucking her nipple and making her squeal in pleasure, she was finding new ways to bridge the gap between pain and pleasure. “You’re impossible.”
He looked down at her. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”
She shook her head. More like driving her to death, but no, he was not hurting her. She lifted up so he could suck the other nipple and squirmed as liquid heat spilled into her centre. There was no way she was going to be able to forget this, or live this down. No way would she ever forget him. As for being with any man after this, it would be impossible.
She could feel his hardness against her and as she moved her hip from side to side she heard him groan. “Am I hurting you?” she asked innocently.
His jaw clamped down and she knew she was testing his limits but this power excited her. She lifted her hand away from between their sweat slicked bodies until she found the rock hard arousal between them. At first her inexperience stopped her from moving further but another look into his eyes and she saw raw desire, she had to take hold of the living need between them. When he flinched and said her name, this time she knew that he was barely holding on.
“I need you. Now,” his voice was hoarse, she barely recognised it.
There were many things that went through her mind. She wanted him inside her so much that nothing else mattered. If there was any part of her that wanted this moment to be more than it was, more than it could be, then that part of her shut down. Her gaze never left his and she saw such heat in his gaze that she was sure that even if she wanted to, she couldn’t stop what they’d both started.
She felt him nudge at her heated centre and knew that in a few minutes it would be over and this would have happened. The liquid heat continued to spill and she felt him push gently as if he was testing her. She knew it would hurt. It always did when it was your first time. She’d heard it from so many different sources that it couldn’t be a lie. Her eyes closed and she waited for the pain. If she was prepared and didn’t look like a fool, then maybe he would make love to her again.
“Ash, don’t be scared,” she looked up. He brushed his lips over hers and instead of feeling that heavy pressure she felt something else. Surprised she sighed as unexpected pleasure started rising from deep within.
“I don’t understand.” It was like there were layers of pleasure winding themselves over each other and then being twirled around her. Ash squirmed and lifted her hip as his finger went deeper inside her. Kieran’s thumb circled her clit and she gasped.
“Do you like that?” he asked.
She swallowed against a dry throat. “I am not sure I know what ‘that’ is?”
As he continued to pump against her with his fingers and circle his thumb over her clit, Ash knew that she was in a new kind of pleasure trove. “Kieran, I am ready now.” She hitched higher and pulled him closer. Ready to burst with the power of whatever was about to come, she waited for him to enter her. With this feeling of pure pleasure she knew she could withstand any pain. But instead of giving her what she wanted he continued his actions and she gasped as small spasms of pleasure erupted inside her.
*****
Watching Ash come was the most beautiful experience. When she grabbed him by the shoulders and screamed the words he was so desperate to hear, he couldn’t deny her any longer. “I need you. Inside me. Now.”
It took him moments to open the bedside drawer and sheath himself with the condom. But the need to be inside her was unbearable.
She was wet and ready for him but he knew this was her first time so he entered her slowly. He teased and tested. He saw her pupils dilate and he could see her watch him and he could tell she was as fascinated as he was. He’d never been filled with such need to possess someone, but when it came to Ash, all the rules went out the door. She was in a league of her own.
When he entered her, she clutched his shoulders and screamed his name. He held her tightly and waited for the pain to subside. Within seconds she was restless, and bucking against him, wanting him to move with her and against her. He rocked against her gently at first but she demanded more and more and he had to fight to keep up. When they climaxed it was an explosion of pure pleasure and he was sure there were lights and stars.
He wasn’t sure how long they lay in each other’s arms trying to catch their breath. He wasn’t sure who moved first, or if they even moved. He only knew it was morning before he realised she was gone. He was left with that empty feeling of loss and failure again. Was she with him last night because she felt pity for him or did he dream everything so he could face another day?
Chapter Twelve
It would have been so easy to get lost in this crowd. So easy for Ash to blend in with the patients and be forgotten, but the moment Kieran walked into the department, and his gaze found hers, she knew the only one she fooled was herself.
She saw him relax and knew that even from the distance, he was relieved to see that she was still here. Karl whispered to her and she nodded, taking her attention away from that dark gaze.
“We’ve got a MVA on its way in. Ready?” Kieran’s gaze never left hers as he addressed them both.
Karl nodded and pulled her arm following Kieran as he walked towards the main resuscitation room. “I told you this would be a great experience. Aren’t you glad you decided to stay for the week?”
/> She jabbed Karl in the ribs and hoped Kieran hadn’t heard her colleague. Too late she saw him flinch but he didn’t stop or turn, he didn’t ask her what Karl meant, instead he continued walking until they were in front of the patient.
The paramedic handed Kieran a chart. “This is Lee, he is twenty-three years old. He was the driver of a car that crashed into a pole due to this nasty weather. He has a head injury and some bruises. I’ll leave you to check him out. We put him in a collar, he was complaining of cervical pain and he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.”
Ash stepped aside as the paramedic pulled off the soiled sheet from his gurney and threw it in the dirty linen skip as he walked past. Kieran introduced himself to the patient and then started his head to toe examination.
“Karl, you have a big mouth.” Ash jabbed him in the ribs again.
“Ouch,” he touched the spot. “That hurt the first time.”
“I haven’t told anyone I was leaving or why.” She stepped forward and watched as Kieran methodically checked Lee for further injuries.
“I don’t see what the big deal is, there is no one else from our group here. I still don’t understand why you can’t just resit the paper like everyone else who has failed,” he shrugged.
Ash wished she could. It would have been so easy if that had been the deal she had made. She lifted her head and was met with Kieran’s icy gaze.
“Are you two paying attention?” he asked.
She nodded feeling all of six again. He wasn’t happy that she’d left the apartment without saying goodbye. He was never going to be happy about her having to leave to go back to marry someone else. Not after last night, but how could she explain everything to him?
“What am I looking for?” He directed the question to her.
Ash had been watching his every move. She knew that he was looking for further injuries. “You’re examining him to look for further injuries. He wasn’t wearing his seatbelt, he might have a fractured skull.”