by Nikki Steele
Tonight was all about new beginnings, wasn’t it? New beginnings started with honesty. “I did see someone, for a very short time,” I said slowly. I forced myself to keep my voice even, choosing my words carefully. “It started on my birthday, when you left me at the bar. You told me we were through, and I thought you were serious.”
He nodded sympathetically. “That’s understandable. I was very drunk that night.”
I nodded, still unsure where Dan was going with this. “Yes. And...” I hesitated, biting my lip. “And I saw him a few more times after that. I’m sorry.” I looked up at him, even as my heart sank. “But I don’t want you to worry. I won’t be seeing him again.”
Dan lifted an eyebrow, a smirk on his face. “What if I wanted you to see him again?”
“I beg your pardon?” I exclaimed.
He chuckled as our salads arrived, enjoying the look on my face while he took an inordinate amount of time discussing the menu with our waitress.
By the time she had left, I was almost ready to explode. “What do you mean you want me to see him again?” I demanded.
He was grinning like the devil on his birthday. “Do you really think I didn’t see that commercial?” he asked.
I gasped. “What makes you think it was about me?” Of course he had seen it! The whole stinking city had!
“Stop it. That bar, the one in the commercial, was the one I took you to on your birthday. That’s where you met the guy—you just said so. And he said your name in the commercial. Come on. It didn’t take a genius.”
The air left me. I deflated like a balloon. “Oh, Dan. I’m sorry. That must have been a huge blow to you. Believe me, it’s over now.” Boy, was it ever over. “I don’t want you to have any doubts about me. You’re ready to commit, and so am I. There’s no one else in the picture besides you.”
He cocked his head. “You really don’t get it, do you?”
“Get what?”
He leaned toward me, a gleam in his eye. “I’m not mad at you! You’re a freaking genius!”
My jaw dropped. Was he speaking a different language? Words were going in my ear, but they didn’t make sense. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you just happened to sleep with one of the richest men in the music industry, you dope!”
I hushed him as other patrons began to look around. Maybe this wasn’t the best place for us to get together, after all. “So? Big deal. Why does that make me a genius?”
He sat back in his seat, shaking his head. “You really don’t get it,” he said slowly. “How can you not see it? It’s right there in front of you!” He leaned in again. “You’re pregnant. Hello?”
I frowned, desperately trying to get a grip on what he was talking about. “Hello?” I muttered.
And then it clicked. Oh, no. This couldn’t be why he wanted to get together with me. It just couldn’t. “You want me to tell him the baby is his,” I said, my voice shocked.
“Sure,” he said. “I mean, it’s obvious. You tell him it’s his, and since he loooooves you so much, he’ll believe you.” He chuckled sarcastically.
I stared at the table, where a single red rose petal had fallen onto the white tablecloth. I stared at that petal, focusing on it so I wouldn’t lose my mind in the middle of an upscale restaurant. How dare he say something like this? How dare he make fun of Chase. Like loving me was so wrong. Well, it was to Dan, wasn’t it? He’d never loved me.
When I spoke, my voice was monotone, though inside I wanted to scream so loud the roof would come down, and the windows shatter. “And what do you think he’ll do when I tell him it’s his baby?”
“What do I think? Honey, I think you’re gonna make him pay through the nose! Jeez, do I have to be the brains in this operation?”
“So you never wanted me. You just wanted the money.” It didn’t hurt when I said it. I’d known, really, that from the start something wasn’t right—the reason that I’d told my unborn child to kick me if there was any funny business.
I didn’t even mind—at least, not for my sake. If anything, it was good to finally have the truth made plain between us. But it made me sad for the baby, who Dan only saw as a pawn. I’m sorry, little one. I thought I was doing the right thing tonight.
“Now, now, that’s not true.” He reached for my hand, which was still on the table. I withdrew it quickly, and he went on, oblivious. “You and I have a long history. That doesn’t just go away because of a few bad decisions, or a few words spoken in anger. We’re a part of each other’s lives. Honestly, I think I’m being the bigger person here. You know, being willing to take you back and all. Cheating on me while pregnant with my baby? That’s pretty low.”
My head was a hive full of buzzing bees. Angry buzzing bees. After all the indignities and his own unfaithfulness, he was the bigger person in this? I stared at him dumbly while he happily ate his salad. “You know, this is really good!” he said, crunching away on a piece of carrot, an oversized rabbit. “When we’re rich, we should come here more often.”
I blinked. “So, what’s your idea? Sue him for child support?”
“Eh, I doubt he’d want to take something like this to the courts, do you? That commercial got a lot of attention. How would it look if the woman he was making such a big deal over turned around and sued him? His lawyers will pay us off long before then to keep you quiet.”
“Wow. You’ve really thought this out, haven’t you?”
He nodded, like he was proud.
It was like I was seeing him for the first time. What had I ever seen in this man? “And what happens if he asks for a DNA test?”
His brow furrowed, but then he shrugged. He took a swig of wine. “I’m sure you can get him to change his mind. Just do whatever slutty thing it is you do that he likes so much.” He winked at me. “Was it the boob thing? I bet it was the boob thing, right?” My skin crawled.
The waiter came back. “Did you not enjoy your salad, miss?”
I looked down at my plate. “I’m sorry, I’m... ah, I’m feeling rather ill, actually.”
Dan gave the waiter an elbow. “She’s preggers. We’re celebrating.” The waiter nodded his congratulations.
“God,” Dan said, his eyes wide as the waiter moved away. “Can you imagine the sort of child support we’ll get? Charlie Sheen pays his ex-wives fifty-five thousand a month. A month!” He laughed.
I didn’t even want to scream at Dan any more. It was like I was watching a train wreck in slow motion. I knew I should be running, but I couldn’t. I just had to see how much worse it would get.
“Oh, wait.” Dan sat back, face falling. “I forgot about the actual baby. I don’t wanna live with a baby.”
Chills prickled my skin, but I wasn’t surprised. I was so cold I was numb. There it was, that train...
“We’ll have to get some live-in help or something,” he continued. “I don’t wanna deal with that. They can’t be too much to pay for, can they?”
Then he laughed. “With the money we’re about to make, who cares! We won’t ever have to even look at it!”
My hands went to my stomach, shielding it. And finally, emotion did enter my voice. “How could you do that? To our child?”
“God—you couldn’t pay me enough to look after it. Crying, snotty, stinking all the time.” His face screwed up. “I think I’d actually throw up if I had to change a nappy. I mean, you might like it—you’ve got the child bearing hips after all. I’m not built for that kind of stuff.”
He laughed at his own joke, but then his eyes lit up. “You know, that just gave me an idea. Maybe I’m going about this all wrong.”
“How so?” The train wreck just kept coming – each additional sentence from Dan’s mouth a compartment that was slowly compacting in flames along the tracks of our conversation. What would the next carriage contain?
“You should live with him. Keep the baby there.”
“Really,” I said, deadpan.
“Yes! I know it’ll be ha
rd without me, but it’s for the best. You’ll see.” He smiled sympathetically. I nearly laughed—the carriages just kept on piling up, all right.
He grimaced. “You’ll probably have to sleep with him to make it convincing. Sorry about that. I know it won’t be the same.” His mouth split in a shark’s smile. “Just keep thinking about all that money we’re gonna get.”
“I don’t... I literally don’t know where to start,” I said, horrified.
He winked, like he knew he’d already won. “Lighten up. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?”
Once upon a time, Dan’s hold on me might have been enough to pull me in. When you were walked over and stomped down enough, all you could see was mud and the person looming over you.
But Chase had taught me self-respect. And the baby had given me strength. And all I could see in my head was the number of times Dan must have said that about me, while we were dating. What I didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me—to his buddies at the bar, his sleazy coworkers, his girls. To himself, if he ever wasted a moment’s thought on the matter.
The train derailed and came to a crashing halt before me. I’d heard enough—the carriages were on fire, and I wanted out. “You’re a pig,” I growled.
Dan’s jaw dropped. “Excuse me?”
“I said you’re a pig,” I said again, louder. I didn’t care who heard me. “And I don’t want to have anything to do with you, ever again. You are not to come near me or this baby. I want nothing from you. You get nothing from me.” I stood on legs shaking with fury. “I don’t want my baby to ever even know you.”
“Sit down,” Dan whispered fiercely. “You’re making a scene.”
My voice rose even higher. “Oh, I’m making a scene am I? HOW’S THIS FOR MAKING A SCENE?” I grabbed the water from my table and splashed it in his face.
He sat before me, spluttering. “You’ll regret this!”
I shook my head, every eye in the restaurant on the two of us. “The only thing I regret is not saying this sooner. I love Chase. Not you. And even though he doesn’t want me, I’ll never, ever do anything to hurt him. Don’t ever contact me again—if your things aren’t gone by tomorrow, they’ll be out the window.”
I turned and stalked through a line of stunned restaurant patrons, and out the door. My own train had left the building, and it wasn’t taking baggage with it, ever again.
Chapter 3
I walked down dark, chilly streets after leaving the restaurant, my thoughts bouncing off each other like rubber balls, rebounding through my brain; images of Dan, the things we’d been through. What he’d put me through.
I kept going back, didn’t I? All those times when I told myself there had to be something better in the world. After he’d insulted me, or ditched me for his friends, or embarrassed me in front of people. I stayed with him, going back for more punishment. I hadn’t thought I could do better, for such a long time.
It was the lost time that bothered me the most—all the possibilities I’d closed the door on; the friendships which had fizzled away because he didn’t like them or, more often, because they didn’t like him. Chances to travel— Dan didn’t like to travel, therefore, apparently, I hadn’t either.
I was a smart person. How had I allowed things to get this far? To get to the stage where I’d believed, though time and time again the evidence had said otherwise, that he could change? To think that he might love my baby only days after he had suggested an abortion. To think that he might love me, only days after he’d been with his secretary.
I’d been blind—no, I’d been obtuse. I had seen what was happening but refused to do anything about it, even though the evidence was all around me. It was because I hadn’t thought I was worth anything better. It was because I hadn’t thought I deserved anything more.
Chase had taught me differently. He’d taught me that I was special. Unique. That I could do things, and be someone, better than I had been before. He’d believed in me even when I hadn’t believed in myself—that I could get up on stage and sing. That I could return his love. That I could be curvy and beautiful and valuable.
What was he thinking right now? Was he still hating me? I prayed he wasn’t, though he probably was. If he only knew the whole story.
My hands went to my belly, rubbing across it, imagining the feel of a bulge that was too early to show against my curves. “What am I supposed to do?” I whispered. “I know I did the right thing when I told your father to get lost. I don’t need him, and you only deserve someone who will love you.” I could feel a warmth under my hands. It gave me comfort. “I want you to have what I didn’t have, from day one. I want you to be loved.”
If I had to, I would do this on my own. I’d love my baby twice as hard, now that the baby didn’t have a father—or at least one I wished to influence my child.
Chase would make a good father. I could tell. He had gentle hands, and lips. If he could kiss me so softly, with so much love in his eyes, I knew he could do that for the baby, too. If only he wanted children. If only he wanted mine.
What I wouldn’t give, to go to him right now. To be held in his arms, to have them wrap around me, and hold me tight, and feel the soft heat of his breath on my hair. But that was over, wasn’t it? I could still remember his voice—cold, with just the slightest tinge of hurt at the edges, like one was holding back the other.
He would reject me, I was sure of it. It had been difficult enough before, when he’d turned away. I’d walked out after, and hadn’t gone back. I understood those feelings—of hurt, and betrayal. Why would he so much as answer the door to me now? And if he did... what could I possibly accomplish? Why bother making him even more angry with my inability to take a hint?
I wandered down the street. So many happy couples, everywhere I looked. So many single people, walking this way and that. Maybe some of them were on their way to dates, right now? Maybe some lucky lady would walk into a bar, and sing a song, and the man of her dreams would approach her and invite her to dinner. Maybe he’d have a brownstone manor, and the most charming English accent, and-
God, everything reminded me of him.
There were so many millions of people out here in the city. Maybe I could try again? One thing I knew for sure—and I could thank Dan for this piece of knowledge—I’d never settle.
I sighed. And that was the problem, really; the catch 22. Dan had taught me never to settle. But Chase had raised the bar so high I was afraid no other man would ever beat it.
A couple walked past me, hand-in-hand. The man was tall. The girl had red hair. They were laughing at some inside joke. That could have been Chase and I.
I wanted Chase. I’d found my perfect partner. But he didn’t want me.
Then again... he’d thought I didn’t want him once, right? I’d literally told him so when he was in Tokyo. And I hadn’t left the door open for him to come back, not even just a crack. I’d slammed it shut in his face—cut off all communication, with no hope of ever contacting me again.
Yet he’d made that commercial, because even though I’d said no, he’d refused to give up without a fight. Why couldn’t I do the same thing?
Of course, I couldn’t make a TV commercial. But if I wanted to, I could put up a fight. After what he had done, surely Chase could appreciate that.
So did I want to? Did I want to give it one more try?
I looked up, and realized my legs had made my decision for me. I was standing in front of Chase’s house.
* * *
I was energized and terrified all at once. Was I actually going to do this? If I did, there’d be no going back. I couldn’t wonder what might have happened if I’d tried just one more time—I wouldn’t be able to imagine a better outcome. It could be good, but it might also be brutal. My last memories of Chase might end with him yelling, or ordering me off his property. I didn’t know which would be worse.
But the risk was worth it, wasn’t it? Because there was something worse—knowing that I’d given up, wi
thout trying everything I ever could to be together with the one man I truly loved.
I found myself wishing, briefly, for a drink to calm my nerves. I couldn’t have one, of course. I’d have to do it on my own. My hands went to my belly. But then, I wasn’t really on my own anymore, was I?
The walk up the stairs was an eternity, and yet I was still at the top and knocking before I was ready, or even knew what to say.
He took a long time to answer. Long enough that I thought he might not even be home, which made me both relieved and heartbroken all over again.
And then the door opened.
And he was standing before me in a set of paint-stained coveralls. “Hi,” he said quietly.
“Hi,” I said softly back.
He opened his mouth, but I held up a hand. “Please. Let me speak.” I took a deep breath. “I don’t have the money to make a commercial,” I began. I couldn’t lift my eyes past his boots. “But if I did, it would be the longest commercial ever, to list all your wonderful qualities. I was the most miserable woman in the world when you found me, on one of the unhappiest nights of my life.”
I wiped at my eyes. I hadn’t meant for tears to come. I wasn’t that sort of person. “You turned that all around. It was the first time that I’ve ever felt...” I searched for the right word. “Loved,” I said in a whisper.
I wiped at the tears again. “And I know you don’t like me very much right now, and that’s okay because you’re entitled to your feelings, only it’s breaking my heart because I care for you and I never wanted to hurt you, I swear.”
The words began to tumble out. I couldn’t stop them. “That’s what kills me the most, knowing that I hurt you. I know I don’t deserve you because I’ve made, like, a million missteps with you. I should have done everything differently, but I was too stupid. I was so stupid, and I’m so sorry. And I totally understand if you don’t want to, since I wasn’t honest with you, and I know you don’t want a baby, but you’d be such a great father and I swear, if you could forgive me and take me back, I would do everything I could to make you as happy as you made me in the few weeks I’ve known you.” I took a deep, shuddering breath.