‘Moo, don’t keep people away, let them draw near.’
He left, giving Pericles a pat as he went.
Muriel sat down when he left and cried.
Caroline was crying, too. Peter held her in his arms trying to soothe her distress away.
‘My dearest girl, it all went absolutely smoothly. I was so proud of you. The table was lovely, the food was great, they all enjoyed themselves and you carried it all off so well.’
Caroline dried her eyes and tried to gain control of her voice. ‘It’s not that. Oh, Peter, I do wish I could have a baby. Why does someone have the chance to have five and I can’t have any? I am so envious of Suzy. It’s not fair. Not fair.’
‘If it’s any consolation to you I love you more than ever and I wish I could take away the pain, but I can’t.’ She burst into a fresh flood of tears.
‘Caroline, Caroline, please, darling, try to stop. How about we try to adopt? That would be a solution, wouldn’t it? We’re still not too old and we couldn’t have better credentials, could we? Now you’re leaving work it is a possibility.’
Caroline dried her eyes, laid her head on Peter’s shoulder and contemplated a wholly new idea which Peter’s suggestion had triggered in her mind.
‘What a brilliant idea. What a very brilliant idea. I’ll think about it.’ She turned her face to Peter, looked him straight in the eyes and asked: ‘Do you not love her just a very tiny little bit because she is carrying your children?’
‘Despicable though it is, no I don’t. You’re the one for me. Never forget that.’
‘Thank you. Ralph’s taking a long time to come back.’
‘Stop matchmaking and go to sleep. Feeling better now?’
‘Yes, thanks.’
‘Good night, my love.’
‘Good night, Peter. Sometimes you do hit upon some very good ideas.’
Peter slid his arm around her waist and hugged her. ‘I am some use then, sometimes. What’s the good idea I’ve come up with?’
‘Never you mind. I’ll tell you when I’m good and ready.’
Chapter 18
Never one to let the grass grow under her feet, Caroline asked Suzy the next time she saw her if she could come round to her house for a chat when the children were in bed.
‘You want to see me?’
‘Yes, if that’s possible.’
‘Yes, it’s possible but why?’
‘Well, I can’t speak about it now, it’s just something I need to discuss with you.’
‘About Peter?’
‘In a kind of a way.’
‘They’re usually all in bed by eight at the latest so come round any time after then.’
‘I’ll come tonight if I may.’
‘Very well.’
Caroline knocked on the door by two minutes past eight. Suzy gave her a glass of wine and they both sat in front of the fire. Suzy waited to hear what Caroline had to say.
‘I was extremely upset when I found out about … about your pregnancy. When I saw you in the clinic quite naturally I assumed it was Patrick’s baby. Peter didn’t know about you being there because of course I don’t discuss patients at home – not by name, anyway. He only found out when Michael told him you wouldn’t be able to keep on with the playgroup. That was the day before I went up home to Northumberland.’
‘I saw you leaving. I knew from your face you’d heard. It was only the once, and entirely my fault. I was so shatteringly lonely that day. I needed comforting and before we knew where … well, anyway, you know what I mean.’
Caroline took another drink of her wine and tried hard not to mind about what Suzy had left unsaid. She had more important things on her mind.
‘I’ve given in my notice at the hospital.’
‘Oh, I didn’t know that. Whatever for? I thought you enjoyed it.’
‘I do – or rather I did. I gave my notice in because Peter and I have never had much time together. I’ve always worked long hours, ever since we were married, so I decided that I would spend some time at home and then perhaps go back to hospital work when I got fed up with keeping house.’
‘I see. Is that what you wanted to discuss with me?’
‘No – well, kind of. How are you going to manage with the twins?’
‘Do you mean financially?’
‘Well, yes – and also, how will you look after them? I mean, two babies and three little girls is an awful lot for one person.’
‘Are you fancying being mother’s help, Caroline?’ Suzy smiled when she spoke.
‘No, I’m not. Look – I find it hard to know how to say this.’
‘Well, say it and then I’ll tell you if you’ve done it well.’
‘Peter knows nothing of what I am about to propose – it’s all my idea.’
‘Right.’
‘I wanted to say: if at any time you found you couldn’t face coping with the twins, I would be more than willing to … well, I would be more than willing to have them.’ Caroline gulped nervously.
‘Have them for the afternoon, you mean?’
‘No, I didn’t mean for the afternoon. I meant for – for always. To keep. That is, if you could part with them, if that was possible at all.’ Her voice trembled.
‘Caroline, has Peter not told you what I said to him?’
‘No. I didn’t know you’d spoken to him about them.’
‘The day you left, I told Peter that no one – and I mean no one – would ever know that these twins were not Patrick’s. I told him that I intended to have them both adopted, and that I had already chosen the parents.’
‘Oh, I see. Then there’s no more to be said. I’m sorry if I’ve caused you pain. I’ll be going.’ Caroline rose blindly.
Suzy took hold of Caroline’s hand and told her to sit down again.
‘I know I sounded as if I was being very difficult, but I wanted to hear it from you, absolutely and completely from you without any help at all, that you, Caroline Harris, wanted to have Peter’s children. I had to be sure, you see.’
‘But it’s no good! You’ve just said so. Oh please, let me go.’ The pain and disappointment were tearing her apart.
‘It is, that’s the point,’ Suzy insisted. ‘You’ve told me, with no help from Peter and no prompting from me, that you want to adopt them. That was what I wanted to hear! You and Peter are the parents I’ve chosen. I told him so in a roundabout way, but he was so upset about you leaving that he didn’t understand what I was saying.’
Caroline sat down again slowly, unable to take in what Suzy had just said. ‘You mean you want Peter and me to have them? Is that what you really want? Truly want?’
‘Yes. I’ve no love to spare for anyone at the moment, least of all for two new babies who’ll need loving attention for years. I’ve got to get back to work, Caroline. With three children to feed and clothe, the money Patrick left is rapidly disappearing. I’ve gone quite dead inside. I don’t want to know about obligations to anyone else at all. I just want to get on with working and looking after my three girls. As soon as the twins are born I’m leaving here, so there won’t be any worry about me billing and cooing over the pram. They’ll be yours completely.’
‘As long as I live I shall be entirely in your debt.’
‘I won’t tell you where I’m going. I shan’t want photographs – nothing at all, and I mean that.’
‘Suzy, how are you going to tell the girls?’
‘Daisy and Pansy can’t help but notice things aren’t quite what they were. I’ve explained to them that though I’m expecting two babies, we are not going to keep them because I have no money to feed and clothe them. So what better way is there but for us to give them to someone who has no babies at all? They’ve both cried about it and said could we keep one and let the lady with no babies have the other one, but I’ve said you can’t separate twins as that would be cruel. Bless their dear hearts, they do appear to understand. Rosie doesn’t even seem to have noticed that she can’t sit on my knee
easily any more, so I’m leaving that till she says something. They won’t forget, but at least it will stop hurting after a while.’
Caroline stood up, put her arms round Suzy and kissed her. ‘Thank you, thank you so much, so very much.’
‘When the twins are due I shall want you there. Right there helping.’
‘There aren’t any words to tell you how grateful I am.’
‘What about Peter?’
‘I’ll tell him in my own good time.’
‘We won’t let anyone else know what we’ve planned, Caroline. They gossip so much in this village that all kinds of stories will do the rounds.’
‘No, that’s right, we’ll keep it our secret. Good night. You may say you have no love left for anyone, but I think you must have.’ She closed the door and tried hard to walk normally into the Rectory, but it was so difficult, so very difficult. She wanted to skip.
Peter was in his study with a couple who were asking to be married in the church. She took coffee into them, then went off to have a bath. She lay there planning which room she would choose for the nursery and how she would need to buy a twin pram, as well as nappies and cots and … then a cold drip from the tap fell on her toe and seemed to chill her through and through. What if the twins were premature and didn’t survive? What if Suzy decided to keep them both? What if Peter didn’t want them?
She heard him coming up the stairs. He came into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bath.
‘Someone else taking the plunge. They seem as if they’ll be very happy. Sometimes couples come and you want to say to them, “Look, it won’t work,” but it’s very difficult when they’re convinced they’re doing the right thing. Where have you been?’
‘Talking to Suzy.’
‘What about?’
‘About you not understanding what she was trying to tell you.’
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
Caroline sat up and began rubbing soap onto her face flannel. She didn’t answer immediately. She held up a leg and soaped it right from her toes to the top of her thigh and did the same with the other one. Then she looked up at him and said: ‘You know, the twins. Well, she doesn’t want them.’
‘I know – she told me.’
‘She’s going to have them adopted and she … I asked her if I could have them and she said that was what she had been waiting to hear, and that yes, I can – we can. Now I’m frightened they’ll die or something, or she’ll see them and change her mind. And I’m frightened in case you don’t want them.’
‘I don’t.’
Caroline sat up, startled at the vehemence of Peter’s reply. ‘You don’t? You can’t mean that!’
‘I do. I most definitely do.’
‘Peter, it’s what I most want in the world. Please don’t do this to me. Please. I have never pleaded with you in all the time I’ve known you, but I’m pleading now.’
‘I can’t face day in day out the evidence of my unfaithfulness. Do you hear me? I can’t do that! It would destroy me to watch you loving and caring for my children, ones that were mine and not your very own. I couldn’t bear it.’
Caroline stood up quickly, making the water surge over the edge of the bath onto Peter’s feet. She took the towel she’d propped on the edge of the washbasin and wrapped herself in it. When she’d climbed out she stood facing him and looked up at his face. He was in the deepest depth of despair.
‘Caroline, you don’t realise what you’re asking of yourself.’
‘So I can care for children who are not mine and not yours – strangers’ children – but I’m not allowed to care for yours. Have you no idea how bad I feel about not being able to have your children? Have you any idea what being barren means? What if things were reversed and it was you who couldn’t have children? Would you feel a complete person? Because I certainly don’t! Suzy wants us to have them. She sees it as a very right thing to do. She’s told the adoption people all about us and we are the parents she has chosen. Don’t break her heart by making her have to give them to people she doesn’t know.’
‘Caroline, please don’t bring Suzy into it. This is for you and me to decide. We have to get things straight between us. Get dried and we’ll talk later when we’ve both calmed down.’
Peter turned and left the bathroom. He went down to his study and sat at his desk with his head in his hands. He’d suffered so much since that day with Suzy that he didn’t think God could ask any more of him. To have them here in this house and watch Caroline loving them was too much. No matter how he longed for children of his own, he mustn’t agree to adopt them just because of that need. He could only agree if he felt Caroline truly forgave him for his infidelity. If he knew that, then he could accept adopting them. But he’d no right to ask forgiveness of that magnitude from her.
She was in the kitchen making coffee for the two of them when he sought her out.
‘I’m deeply sorry for shouting like I did just now. It was unforgivable.’
‘I can understand, I was too precipitate. It must have been a quite dreadfully unexpected announcement.’
‘I could adopt the children if I knew with my head and my heart that you have forgiven me my infidelity. That’s the only way, but I haven’t the right to ask such a thing. So that’s the end of it.’
‘If I tell you that I had forgiven you when I came back home from Northumberland, would you believe me – really believe me? You see, I wouldn’t have come back if I hadn’t forgiven you.’
‘Caroline, I don’t deserve you.’
‘We must wipe the slate clean, Peter. You can’t spend the rest of our life together being grateful to me – it would turn me into the most insufferable person. Please don’t do it to me.’
‘Very well. It would make things very right, wouldn’t it, in all sorts of ways if we took the children?’
‘Yes, of course it would – and thank you.’
‘No, I need to thank you for the immense generosity of your spirit.’
Chapter 19
Muriel stood stark naked in front of her bedroom mirror looking critically at herself. Her skin appeared to be too big for her: there was a sagging around her bottom, definite sagging down the back of her arms at the top, and her breasts, always small, appeared smaller than ever. How could she possibly imagine for one moment that Ralph, sophisticated, well-travelled Ralph, could have the slightest interest in her? She was sixty-four, heaven help us. Sixty-four! Was it too late for happiness? Ralph had really hit home when he’d told her to let people draw near. That, of course, was half her problem, fending people off all the time. He’d wanted to draw near and she didn’t know how to let him. She promised herself that if he kissed her again, she would do as they did on the television – put her arms round him and hold on. She’d watched Jimbo kiss Harriet and Peter kiss Caroline and noticed they fitted each other like a glove; all she’d done was stand completely still. Dare she invite him to dinner, then perhaps he might kiss her again and she could try harder. She’d been to number three after he moved in, but those friends of his from Culworth were there as well so there’d been no opportunity.
She called round with a little note and popped it through the letter box of number three. ‘Dear Ralphie,’ she had written. ‘Would you care to come for a meal Thursday of next week? Perhaps seven for seven-thirty? Yours sincerely, Moo.’ It was brief because there wasn’t anything else to say.
She got a note back accepting. ‘Dear Moo, I shall be delighted to come for a meal. See you just after seven o’clock on Thursday. Many thanks, Ralph.’
It was no good attempting to cook something she wasn’t familiar with. She laboured over the menu, trying to plan something which wouldn’t keep her tied to the kitchen and yet would be tasty – after all, he was accustomed to eating exotic meals all over the world. The menu she finally settled on was Baxter’s Tomato and Orange soup, followed by chicken and broccoli in white wine sauce, with new potatoes, baby carrots from the freezer and peas, followed by her
own speciality – home-made chocolate mousse. She debated about the mousse; maybe a lemony dessert would be better for the palate. Yes – lemon passion, that’s what she’d make.
Muriel asked Jimbo about which wine to choose.
It cost her £4, but would be well worth the money, he told her. She bought most of the ingredients for the meal from Jimbo and he had the greatest difficulty in not enquiring whom she was entertaining. When she got into bed Harriet complained, ‘Why ever didn’t you ask her?’
‘Because she was in a dither and she has a perfect right to invite whomsoever she pleases. It’s nothing to do with us, we just sell her the goods.’
‘I bet it’s Ralph, I bet it is.’
‘It very probably is, but don’t say a word. For people their age, romance is a very delicate thing. People our age take it for granted.’
‘I wonder if he’s kissed her yet?’
‘Harriet, you are the limit. Turn over and let me show you a bit of romance of my own.’
‘Certainly not! I’m an old married woman and I’ve decided to live a celibate life in future. It’s the modern thing to do, you know. Leaves time for one to contemplate the world and its meaning, instead of clogging up one’s thinking processes with all that emotional see-sawing.’
‘That’s what you call it, is it, emotional see-sawing?’
‘Jimbo, stop it, please. Oh, that’s nice. Mmmmmmm. I do love you.’
‘I am forgiven then about the restaurant?’
‘You know you are and have been for some time, but don’t pull a trick like that again. I might not be so forgiving next time. I wonder how Muriel’s feeling tonight? It’s a big step for her, to invite someone into her home, did you realise that?’
‘Harriet, concentrate on me for a while, will you, please?’
Muriel lay awake unable to sleep. She too was contemplating the dinner. The timetable for the preparation of the food was pinned on her little noticeboard and she was planning what they could talk about afterwards. She should never have asked him. Why had she asked him? Yes, why indeed? Did she actually want to get involved with him? What did ‘involved’ mean? On those Australian soaps, they call it ‘being an item’. Did being an item mean you were going to get married?
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