Ajax? Her voice was shaky and drained. Scared. Are you okay?
He lifted his head and let her look at his eyes, knowing they had returned to their normal color.
A faint smile touched her lips, and she touched his eyelid with the pad of her finger. "They're brown."
"Yeah." He realized her lips were swollen, the skin red, and something dangerous began to build inside him. "I hurt you." There were marks on her neck, on her breasts. Marks of possession. Of claiming. He realized she was trembling beneath him. Because of what he'd done to her? He swore and tried to shove off her, but she grabbed him around his neck and pulled him close.
"No, no." She shook her head. "Don't. I need you to stay with me."
He sank back into her, unable to tear himself off the warmth of her body, cradling her face in his hands. "I'm sorry." His voice was raw. "Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you—"
"Hurt me?" She laughed softly and put her finger over his lips, and he saw the anguish in her eyes, saw tears brimming over. "It was perfect."
He felt the truth of her words, and some of his panic eased. "Then what's wrong?"
Tears spilled over, and she started to shake for real. He swore and thumbed the tears off, feeling utterly helpless in the face of her visible grief. "Tell me what's wrong. I need to know. What can I do to make it right—"
"Ajax." Xander interrupted them.
Madison went rigid, and Ajax jerked Madison's shirt back down over her chest at the sound of Xander's voice. He moved his body protectively over hers to shield her from view. A primal need to protect her rose inside him, and his brands burned with the need to release the weapons into Xander. "Back off."
He jerked his gaze up as Xander moved into sight, stepping around a tree. His teammate leaned against it and folded his arms over his chest in feigned casualness. No other warriors were in sight, but Ajax couldn't suppress his snarl as he pulled Madison more tightly beneath him, crouching above her to protect her. "I said to back off."
Xander didn't even flinch. "After you went rogue? No chance. I need to check in with you."
Madison was tense beneath him, her body shaking even harder. What was wrong with her?
Ajax called out his sword, resting it on the ground beside Madison, unable to stop himself from preparing to defend her. "I'm not rogue anymore."
He didn't take his gaze off Xander, but he searched the woods around them with his other senses. The Order was close, and he could smell their lust in the air. His muscles began to twitch with the need to leap up and attack them for being too close to his woman, to responding to her as men. "Shit, Xander. Get them out of here."
Xander didn't move. "You going to take off with her? Attack someone else?"
"Not as long as you can keep them from trying to kill her."
Madison made a noise of distress, rolling into a ball and clenching her belly. He touched her back, felt it was ice cold. Something was very wrong with her, and he needed to focus on her. "We need a minute." He met Xander's gaze, willing his friend to trust him.
After a minute, Xander shoved himself off the tree. "I'll take the men back to the fire and wait for you." Make it quick. They're restless.
Ajax sensed the Order dispersing and his adrenaline eased off slightly. "How are Rajak and Isaac?"
"They're both pissed as hell at you, but they'll live."
Then Xander melted off into the woods. Ajax heard the whisper of movement through the woods as the rest of the Order members vacated the area, and he knew the moment he and Madison were truly alone. "Madison," Ajax whispered, shifting his position so he could see her face. "What's wrong?"
Her eyes were scrunched shut, but a tear trickled free, sliding down her cheeks. She pressed her hand over her eyes. "He's not dead? I really didn't kill him?"
Was that why she'd been so upset? Because she was afraid she'd hurt another warrior? His chest tightened at her softness, at her vulnerability, and he knew he had to protect her from the darkness of his life. "No, he's fine. A tough old bastard." He rolled to his side, so he could pull her into his arms and hold her against his chest. "It's okay, sheva. It's over." He pressed his lips to her hair.
She shook her head, her hand still over her eyes, her body shaking even harder. "It won't be over. It will never be over."
"He's fine—"
"I killed a man once. A boy. I killed a boy. It was an accident, but he still died." Her voice was ragged, her breathing raspy. "I was fourteen and in foster care after my parents died. One of the boys came into my room, thinking it was the bathroom. I panicked when I saw him fumbling with his fly, thinking he was coming after me. I didn't mean to, but I—" Tears were falling hard now, her body shaking violently.
So it wasn't the present. It was the past that she was drowning in.
He knew about the power of the past. Gently, he wrapped her in his arms, pulling her close. "Shh, honey, it's okay. It's over now. It was in the past—"
But she couldn’t stop. "He was screaming and bleeding, holding his arms over his face to try to protect himself. The other kids all came running, and there was so much blood and so much screaming..." She held her hands to her ears, as if she were trying to block the shrieks of death and terror and revulsion. "He died in my lap. I still hear his screams. I can still see the flash of metal as the blades sank into his flesh." She held up her hands, her arms shaking. "I still feel his blood, trickling down my arms. I can still feel his fingers digging into my arms as he begged me to save him. So many knives—"
Knives? How many could one girl wield? Oh, hell. Ajax stiffened as an idea occurred to him. She'd killed with an Illusion? "Madison—"
"I still see his face, right before he died. The terror, the unbearable pain, the confusion about why this was happening to him. I killed him—"
He couldn't let her finish without knowing the truth, a cold dread tight around his heart. "Did you kill him with an Illusion or a real knife?"
Her eyes widened, and he saw the question register in her mind, break through the memories. She stared at him and seemed to pull herself together, sudden caution in her silver eyes. "Does it matter?"
He hesitated. "Well, yeah, it matters—"
"It was real." Her voice was a raw whisper of pain and agony as she pulled away. "Real. I really killed him."
Ajax closed his eyes for a brief moment, his body nearly shuddering with relief. If she'd murdered with her Illusions…even he wouldn't be able to spare her from the Order. "Then it's okay. It's okay." He hugged her close and brushed his lips over her forehead. "It's not your fault. Your instincts knew he was dangerous. Your Illusionist instincts told you that, the same way mine do."
He wished he had Zion's talent for guiding people through these tough emotional situations. He had no idea what to say to help her, to ease the pain in her heart. "You can't blame yourself for his death." But he knew what her pain felt like. He'd lived it, breathed it, and he couldn't bear the thought of her torturing herself.
She pushed at him again. "Of course I can. Let me go."
He saw the self-recrimination, the self-hate in her eyes, and he couldn't stop himself from sharing the truth. "I killed my uncle when I was nineteen." The confession came out before he could stop it, driven by the need to comfort her.
She paused, turned to look at him. "The man I saw in your memory?"
He nodded. "He was my best friend, my dad, for all practical purposes. He was Order, and he was my hero. Then he went rogue, and I had to kill him." He stared up at the pine trees as he remembered that day. "I looked into his eyes as I took his life, and knew there would be no going back for me. He was my first kill, and he'll be with me forever."
She bit her lip. "How do you forgive yourself?"
"For killing him?"
She nodded.
Ajax sighed, then shared a truth he'd never shared with anyone. "It wasn't simply that I killed him. It was also that I'm the reason he went rogue in the first place." He turned to look at her. "Basically, I killed hi
m twice."
Madison saw the haunted expression on Ajax's face, and knew this story was his defining secret. Killing his uncle is what drove Ajax to distrust the Order. It explained his obsession with avenging Viktor's death. This was what reverberated at his very core. This moment was his darkest secret, his greatest burden.
And he was sharing it with her.
The significance of his trust was almost overwhelming. And it made her regret that she hadn't trusted him with her own truth, that she'd murdered that boy with her Illusions.
Ajax rolled onto his back and stared up at the night sky. "My uncle got an assignment, and I was to cover his back. I thought it was beneath me to be an assistant, so I blew it off. I went to town with my friends to hang out instead."
Madison propped herself up on her elbow to look at him. "And then what happened?" If he had some awful thing in his past that would enable him to understand…that that she'd lied.
Lied to him since the day she met him.
Lied to him two minutes ago, when she'd told him that she'd killed the boy with a real knife. She'd seen the look on Ajax's face when he'd asked her how she'd killed him, and she hadn't been strong enough to tell him the truth. She'd been completely unable to give him a reason to look at her with hatred and disgust, to lose the way he made her feel as if she were important, treasured...loved.
So she hadn't told him the truth, that she'd killed that boy with her Illusions. Dozens of knives flying at him, cutting him up while she sat there and screamed, trying to block them as they flew at him, unable to stop. The horror of everyone around her while they watched hundreds of blades chopping this poor boy to pieces. The way Maisy had come in and swept her out of there the next day, taking her away before anyone could figure out what she'd really done.
Maisy had given up her job as a social worker to save Madison. Without her, Madison would be dead. Because of Maisy, Madison had learned how to control them, because Maisy had sworn that if Madison ever did another Illusion, she would kick Madison out and she'd be on her own.
The threat of losing what little family or security she had left had been enough, and Madison had never done another Illusion after that day. They'd been on the run ever since, hiding from the truth that would have forced her death. A truth she'd tried to hide from herself for so long. A truth Ajax's question had shown her he might never accept.
And so she'd lied.
And he'd accepted it instantly, even though he should have seen through the lie immediately.
But she knew he didn't want to see through it.
He didn't want to know who she really was, and he'd let her lie.
Which made her feel even worse, because it showed her he might never accept her the way she was.
"My uncle went on the mission solo," he continued, drawing her attention back to him. "He met a woman there." His fist clenched, and then loosened. "A woman who was his sheva. Enzo never came back from that assignment. He just stayed with her, and they disappeared together. We never found him until he showed up at my family's place. He'd gone rogue and began to kill everyone." His voice grew hoarse, and Madison laid her hand on his chest.
Knowing what it felt like to hate yourself for what you'd done. God, she knew.
Ajax wrapped his fingers around her hand. "If I'd done my job, I would have been there when he met his sheva. I could have simply taken him away before he got sucked in. My mistake cost him his life and the lives of my parents." His gaze went to hers. "I stayed with the Order to honor his memory, but I never forgot that the Order chose to kill him without giving him a chance to recover. I swore to protect Xander and Viktor..." His grip tightened and he looked at her. "I failed with Viktor, but I will not fail with you."
The intensity of his words, of his expression, of the way he held her…she knew he meant it. That he'd fight for her until the end.
Or until he found out the truth.
God, why did she have to be who she was? Why couldn't she be the woman he thought she was?
She'd always wanted to be someone else, but never more than when she had Ajax looking at her like he would stand in front of her and give his life to keep her safe.
"But how can you protect me from destiny?" She swallowed, trying to hold onto her emotions, to not fall for what she couldn't have. To focus on what mattered. Their survival until Ashley was safe. Not some stupid fantasy of love and romance that would never come true. They had much bigger issues than whether she got a happily ever after with Ajax. Like a destiny that would destroy them. "When you went rogue, I thought it was over. I thought we'd crossed that line. We're so close to the edge—"
"I'm not giving in. We aren't giving in." He caught her hand as she pushed at his chest to get him off her, leaning more of his weight onto her. "We have one mission: to get to the man who has Ashley and killed Viktor. Finding him will take care of Bezoar as well, and everything will be taken care of. That's all we can think about. Once we take care of that, we'll deal with us."
"What if you go rogue? What if—"
"I won't."
She gaped at him in disbelief. "How can you say that? You just went rogue—"
"For hell's sake, the bastard was trying to kill you. I'd have gone crazy even if we weren't bonded." But Ajax knew he was lying. He knew that he had totally lost control for a moment. He still didn't know how he'd managed to come back, and he knew that next time it would take more than a blow to the head to stop him.
He was a danger to the Order now. A danger to Madison. His goal of avenging Viktor was at risk. He swore under his breath, flexed his hands, trying to get his mind back, trying to get under control.
"Ajax!" Xander's voice echoed through the woods. The men need to hear from you soon.
Madison immediately jumped to her feet. Ajax caught her arm to help her, but she pulled away as soon as she was up, folding her arms over her chest. "It's me that's making them restless, isn't it?"
"It's us." He stood up and brushed some of the dirt and pine needles off her back and legs. "It's unheard of for an Order member to allow a sheva to live, and it's against everything that our organization is about to bring one into a mission, let alone an Illusionist. Xander was going to give them a heads up, but I can feel their tension from here." He turned her to face him and set his hands on her shoulders. "You up for it?"
She lifted her chin, the determined glare back in her face. Her eyes were dry, her cheeks clear of tears, but there was a distance on her face. "I'm in."
"Sometimes, it's entirely clear to me why I didn't walk away from you when I still had the chance."
Her face became wary. "Why is that?"
He took her hand, holding it tightly enough that she couldn't pull away when she tried. He began to lead her through the woods. "Because you're tough enough to survive in my world."
She gave him a thin smile. "We can only hope."
And then they stepped into the light of the campfire, and the circle of warriors who were bound by oath to kill her at first sight.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Madison's heart began to pound when she emerged from the woods and found five huge Calydons positioned around the fire, their expressions displaying hatred, distrust, and contempt...and one in the shadows had a hint of envy on his face. Even Xander looked wary.
Luke was sitting on a log, his weapons out, and he was watching Madison with concern. He met Ajax's gaze and nodded once, making her realize that the two of them had a plan for her escape if all went to hell.
She didn't want to escape. She wanted to help her sister.
And after that? Then she wanted to escape.
The fog was burned off near the fire, but it still hung thick in the woods. The campfire was roaring, a huge blaze that lit up the clearing, practically up to the sky.
Every warrior had a weapon in his hand, orange flames reflected in the steel blades. Only Xander was unarmed, and he was standing in the middle of the circle, arms over his chest, rigid and intense, and she sensed he was doing ever
ything in his power to keep the men seated.
They were waiting for a signal. Ready to move on her. Or on Ajax.
Ajax grabbed her hand and pulled her into the middle of the circle so there were weapons on all sides. No way to watch them all, or guard against them.
It was a public statement of faith by Ajax to the men that he was on their team, that he trusted them. Except she felt his tension in every line of his body, knew the public show was for their benefit, not because it was a truth.
"This is Madison Locke. As you know, she is my sheva."
Not a man stirred, not even a blink.
"We haven't completed the bonding. I'm not in danger of going rogue."
Again, no reaction, but she felt the heavy skepticism in the air.
"She is an Illusionist, critical for the mission we are facing, and she must be allowed to live." He raised their clasped palms for everyone to see. "I speak as an Order member, as Zion's representative, not as her mate."
Xander moved to stand beside Madison. He took her other hand, his grip tight on hers. "I support Ajax's request. We need Madison to tell us if we're being hit with an Illusion. Additionally, we can use her to track her sister, who is with the targets. We can also use her Illusions in an offensive attack."
Use her Illusions offensively? Oh, no. No. No.
Ajax and Xander raised her clasped hands and waited. Her shoulders began to ache from her arms being held up. She peeked at Ajax, but he wasn't watching her. He was focused on the warrior that he'd almost strangled.
She turned and followed his gaze and saw Isaac standing in the shadows of the trees. He was wearing all black, as were the rest of them, but the way he held himself was different. As if he was on the edge in a way the others weren't. She couldn't articulate exactly what was different about him, but when the men all shifted and tightened their grips on their weapons as he stepped forward, she realized she wasn't the only one who sensed it. He was wearing jeans and shit kickers, and his black T-shirt was torn around his neck. His bruises were beginning to fade, but there were still streaks of blood on his skin.
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