"Thanks. I think?"
"I'll carry these for us." Derek relieved her of the box of condoms, and Justine tried to ignore the disgusted look she got from her mom.
"What's up?" she asked, before her mom could judge her sex life.
"Well." Iris cleared her throat. "Sweetie, you know I had an affair with a man before you were born?"
"You mean my dad? The one you won't talk about?" Justine tried to move the teddy bear to the side so she could see her mother, but Satan moved it back so it sat on her lap.
"For you," he repeated.
"Okay." At least there wasn't smoke coming out of his head anymore and his eyes had returned to ordinary black.
"Yes, that one." Iris shifted restlessly. "Well, it's time for you to find out." She nodded at Satan. "Justine, meet your dad. Satan, this is your daughter." She sighed heavily. "Enjoy."
Chapter Thirty-Four
"What?" Justine jumped to her feet, leapt backward, tripped on the bed and landed sprawled on her back, horror racing through her. "Did you just say Satan is my dad?"
Satan leapt up. "Fruit of my loins! Do not despair! I will rescue you!"
Holy shit. He was going to land on her. She rolled to the side just as Satan landed where she had been.
"Got ya." Derek pulled her to her feet and put himself between her and the ruler of hell as he leapt off the bed, holding out his arms to her. "Back off, old man," Derek said evenly.
Aw…how sweet was Derek? He'd blocked the leader of hell for her. Not many guys would do that, she was pretty certain. Not that she needed a protector, but that's what made it even more endearing. He knew she was strong and fierce, and he still wanted to go all he-man on her. What girl wouldn't love that?
Derek looked over his shoulder at her. "You okay?"
She smiled at him. "Totally. Thanks."
He grinned back. "Anytime."
"Hey!" Satan poked Derek in the chest with his index finger, which was glowing red. "No man touches my daughter without my permission. Unhand her, you mortal oaf!"
"Satan! Down!" Iris grabbed his arm and shoved him onto the bed. "Stay!"
"As you wish, my honeybun!" He bounced up and down on the gold-flecked comforter, his face beaming. "I cannot believe we share offspring. This is too wonderful. You cannot reject the father of your beloved daughter. We shall bond and be together for all eternity."
Justine's mind was spinning. And, if her father really was Satan, then maybe her head actually was spinning, too. "Mom? Really?"
Iris sighed again. "You know that dark side I mentioned the other day? Well, it's Satan's genes. It's a bit of a burden to overcome, I'm afraid. No one knows, except those of us in this room, so that's good at least. But I do worry about what will happen when you're really challenged."
"I'm half-Satan? Is that what you're saying? I'm half-Satan?" Oh, God. It had been hard enough to avoid the Chamber when her only baggage was letting Derek live when he shouldn't. Once they found out she was Satan's daughter, what chance did she have? Because they would find out. They seemed to have spies everywhere.
"Sweet love of mine, why did you keep this fertility accomplishment from me?" Satan glared at Iris. "I was unable to provide birth control for my daughter's first sexual encounter. How will I ever recover? She is destined to be the best female lover in the Afterlife and I have not been present to give her advice on the matter! How do you forgive yourself?"
"That explains the sex at your place," Derek said under his breath. "I thought it was awfully good."
She elbowed him. "That was me, not my dark side."
"Well, then, channel your dark side and kill me that way when you decide it's time for me to go. I'll die with a smile on my face."
Justine grinned. "That is so sweet."
He raised his brows. "I mean it."
"I know. That's why it's so adorable."
"The reason I didn't tell you," Iris said to Satan, "was because you seduced me then disappeared for twenty-four years. By the time you came back, Justine was a young woman and all you wanted was Mona. You didn't deserve Justine."
Satan held his hands to his heart and fell back on the bed. "You wound me with your words. If I had known my sexual potency had resulted in an offspring I did not have to spit upon, I would not have lied to you, convinced you to give me Mona at the expense of your eternal soul, and driven you to the point at which death was your only escape from my charms and the bonds of your Oath. See? It is your fault, but I will forgive you because I love your breasts and respect your intelligence."
"Excuse me?" Justine held up her hand. "Is that what happened that night you died? You were going to give Mona to Satan?"
"Yes." Iris leaned against the ornately carved dresser with a sigh of resignation. "When he came back the second time, he admitted that he had embraced his Satanhood, and he wanted the Goblet. I was so in love with him I didn't care. I was literally handing Mona over to him when I realized what I was doing. I was so entranced by his charm that I couldn’t stop myself, so I chose death instead."
"Wow." Justine looked at Satan, who was still sprawled on the bed. "You claim to love my mother, but you stole from her, tried to get her fired, and let her die when you could have spared her. You really are an asshole."
He propped himself up on his elbows and beamed at her. "That I am. You are proud of your papa, are you not? Satan is the only one dastardly enough to trick a Guardian."
"One of two," Justine corrected.
Satan stood up so quickly, she didn't even see him move. One second he was on his back, the next, he was vertical. His quick movement made her fingers twitch for her gun, just in case he decided he wasn't entirely pleased to find out he had a daughter. "Who else has tricked a Guardian?" he demanded.
"Carl LaValle. I gave him three drinks of Mona and designated him my successor before I realized he only wanted Mona. He came to kill me and steal her." She eyed her mom. "I chose his death though, not mine."
"Well, you didn't love your betrayer," Iris said. "I did." Her gaze flicked toward Derek. "I fear the past may repeat itself."
Derek said nothing, but his eyes narrowed, and he glanced at Justine.
Love? Her mom thought she loved Derek and would choose her own death over his? "No," she said quickly. "Absolutely not."
"She would never pick me over her job," Derek added, but there was an odd look on his face as he studied her. "Would you?"
"No." But the word came out a whisper. "No," she said again, with more force. She paused. "Would you pick my life over your brother's?"
He hesitated. "No," he said slowly, too slowly. "Never."
They looked at each other, and she felt a sudden sense of despair. Why were their choices so sucky?
Satan, however, didn't seem to be worried about the complexes of difficult life decisions. "You admitted your love for me! I am helpless with bliss over your declaration!" Satan dropped to the carpet in front of Iris and kissed the tips of her designer heels. "And your love still burns in you like the orgasm that would never end."
Iris tapped him in the chin with her toe. "Explain to Justine what happened to Carl, you thieving son of a bitch."
He jumped to his feet and kissed her hard. "See? You would not call me such pet names if you did not love me back." He smiled at Justine, who was still standing near the bed with Derek. "We will be a big happy family. I have large house with many amenities."
"Tell her about Carl." Iris's voice was stern.
Satan nodded. "Of course. I shall reveal all."
Derek leaned toward Justine. "Satan is totally whipped," he whispered. "I think the balance of power has shifted over the last few centuries. You have nothing to worry about with your mom. She's in control here."
"Said by a man who doesn't have Satan sniffing at his mother's knees." But he did have a point. "Do you think we could figure out a way to use it to our advantage?"
"Probably."
Satan knelt in front of Justine and took her hand in his, then pressed h
is lips to the back of it. "My darling daughter, here is the truth. Carl yearned to take his pathetic artist skills to vast fortune and success, so Satan Jr. promised him wealth and fame if he steal the Goblet and kill you. Like all other mortals, his greed was strong, and he took the bargain." He puffed out his chest and gazed up at her with adoration. "But even then, I must have sensed our familial bond because I interfered to save you."
Iris snorted, but Satan ignored her. "I offered Carl a better deal to confuse him, and it caused him to go after you in blatant way that gave you time to behead him. Then I banished Satan Jr. from Afterlife, of course."
Justine frowned. "You actually helped me?"
"Yes, of course." Satan sighed. "Sadly, it does appear my embarrassment of an offspring managed to issue the Curse before I banned him. He was quite displeased with Carl's failure, so it made twisted sense that he would blame all LaValle men for all eternity. I do understand that reasoning."
Derek held up his hand. "Hang on. So, the reason we're cursed is because Carl was an ass who agreed to murder in exchange for fame and money, and then failed to kill her? That's why all the men in my family have died? Because one ancestor was a shithead?"
"Yes! That is exactly correct! I am clearly an excellent explainer!" Satan leapt to his feet and pummeled Derek on the back. "You are cursed by my bastard offspring who tries to steal my kingdom. It is bad. I feel your shame. 'Tis ugly to be marked by such a man." He held out his finger and it glowed red. A spark shot out the end of it. "If shame is too great, I kill you, yes?"
"No, thanks. Appreciate the offer, however." Derek shot an undecipherable look at Justine, but she was too stunned by Satan's revelations to worry about what it meant.
Carl had made a deal with Satan Jr.? "I thought he was my friend." A friend who betrayed her, true, but a friend nonetheless. She pressed her fingers to her temples. "How could I have been such an idiot as to trust him?"
"Some assholes are extremely good at manipulation. It's not your fault" Derek rested his hand on her shoulder, and her body relaxed instantly at his touch.
Derek was different. He'd been honest with her from the very start. So what if he had to kill her? At least he admitted it and didn't deceive her. She patted his hand and smiled at him.
Satan waved his finger at her. "First lesson, Offspring, no friends. You end up having to kill them all. I think we should name you Satanette. Not Satan Jr. I spit upon the name. Satanette would never steal my kingdom from me. For that, you become my heir. Most pleasing situation, no?"
Ack. "No thanks. I don't think running hell is quite my style." Satan looked so devastated, she had to look away. Dammit. He was too damn compelling. No wonder her mom had fallen for him. She almost wanted him to be the dad she'd never known.
Almost. But not quite. Because she was sane and all that.
Derek cleared his throat. "I'm sure this is a very special family moment, and everything, but we have a bit of a time-sensitive situation going on. Can we table the parental lectures for a few days? We need to find Satan Jr. really soon, or Justine gets to go into the Chamber you created."
"Your death is an issue for you, too," she added. "If I kill you, I might escape the Chamber. And if we don't break the Curse, you die anyway. So, we have some issues on the table for sure."
"You can play in the Chamber?" Satan brightened. "That Chamber is lots of fun. You'll enjoy it. There are all sorts of fun surprises in there."
Iris smacked him in the side of the head. "The Chamber is bad for her, you idiot."
He looked at Iris. "Really? Why? Should I not wish it upon her? Help me understand positive parenting skills. I have no training."
"Satan!" Derek snapped his fingers to redirect the leader of hell's focus. "Where is Satan Jr.?"
"Happily, I do not know. But he has probably made a deal with someone you know, like he did with Carl. That person can lead you to him. I will be very pleased to have him die. Good luck." He stood up. "I must have sex with the mother of my child now. If you survive the Chamber, Satanette, you will have to come visit hell. It is very luxurious."
Iris grabbed her purse and tucked it under her arm. "Sorry, Satan. But all this reminiscing has reminded me of exactly what a self-serving jerk you are. You don't deserve me, and you certainly don't deserve my daughter." She clasped Justine's arm. "Come on, sweetie. We're leaving."
"What? No! You cannot leave me!" Satan fell to the floor begging for mercy and crying for Satanette and his true love as Iris escorted Justine out the door.
Derek shot him a sympathetic look, then reset the door behind them. Separating them from her...father?
Oy. She was going to need some therapy to deal with that one.
And then the even more brilliant news. Satan Jr. was using someone else to betray her? Great. Just great. When she found him, she was going to kick his ass...
Satan suddenly burst through the door, grabbed Derek in a headlock and wrestled him to the floor. "You are mortal oaf! You are not trustworthy to be with my daughter! I shall crush your soul!"
"Hey! I'm fantastic for her!" Derek broke Satan's hold, flipped the leader of hell on his back and then ground his knee into Satan's chest, pinning him to the floor with surprising ease, although, given his life-long commitment to acquiring self-defense skills, maybe not so unexpected.
"That is an impressively deceitful and effective move! I am no longer so averse to you mounting my daughter!" Satan crowed with delight. "Move to hell and work for me. You are impressive and I can destroy your morals with great ease, I am sure."
"Thanks, but I have a job already." Derek held out his hand. "Truce?"
"For the next ten minutes, yes!"
As she watched Derek help the now-bff-Satan to his feet, she realized Derek would trade a great deal to save himself and his progeny.
Would he make a deal with Satan Jr.?
Maybe.
Chapter Thirty-Five
After sending Iris off to purgatory, Derek and Justine grabbed an Uber to head back to his place. As soon as they got in, an awkward silence settled around them. Derek watched Justine as she picked at a torn piece of vinyl on the back seat and stared out the window, her forehead furrowed in thought.
"So. Satan's your dad." The words sounded strange rolling off his tongue. Sort of put into perspective the few times he'd had to meet the parents of women he'd been involved with. Little had he known how bad it could be.
The piece of vinyl tore off in her hand and she clenched her fist around it. "Apparently. Though I haven't decided whether to acknowledge him or not."
"Can you refuse his paternity?" He frowned at the tension in her face, wishing he could help her, but what did one say to a woman who has just found out she's fifty percent Satan? It was tricky.
She shrugged and let her head flop back against the seat. "I don't know. Hopefully."
He opened her fist and gently extracted the vinyl. "I don't think I'll ask you to marry me anymore. Talk about a father-in-law from hell."
She slanted a glance at him. "It's not funny."
"No, but given the other things on our list, the fact that your dad is the ruler of hell isn't our most significant issue at the moment." The mere fact he could make that last statement indicated just how much trouble they were in. "So what if your dad has a rap sheet? Big deal. If we don't find your half-brother and break the Curse, either you'll be in the Chamber for all eternity, or I'll be dead and all the men in my family will continue to die." He dropped the vinyl on her lap. "That, my dear, is a big deal."
"Good point." She sighed and absently traced her fingers over his leg. "So, any more ideas on how to find Satan Jr.?"
"Maybe we can leverage your shared paternity?"
She pursed her lips as she considered his question. "Well, since Satan Jr. wants Mona so his dad will acknowledge him, maybe if we got Satan to declare him heir, he'd back off and drop the Curse."
"Satan already gave the honor of inheriting hell to you."
"Yes, but in a mo
ment of brilliant foresight, I didn't accept, did I?" She gave a rueful smile. "Did you see how bummed out he was? I actually felt bad for a minute."
He hooked his thumb under one of her fingers and caressed it while he considered her comment. "So, you'll make a deal with Satan? You'll accept your inheritance if he'll give half of it to Satan Jr.?"
She scowled. "I really don't want to be heir to hell. I'd probably have to start torturing people and stuff like that. Killing in the name of Mona is one thing, but I really don't think I have the stomach to survive an eternity of poking skewers into people's eyes."
"Yeah, I can see that. That might not be much of an improvement over the Chamber." He slid his arm around her waist and rested his chin on her head. There had to be something else he wasn't thinking of. He needed more information. "Okay, so explain this to me. How come Satan and Satan Jr. can't just take the goblet? They both seem to know where it is."
She played with the hair on his forearm. "Mona has a built-in protection against Satan, and apparently his offspring. They can't touch her. The Guardian has to hand Mona over to them of her own free will, though being threatened with death counts as free will. The Guardian is expected to choose death, like my mom did."
He idly rubbed her back as he considered that. "So, after your mom killed herself to save Mona, Satan was standing there in the presence of an unguarded Goblet and he couldn't touch her?"
"Yep." She snuggled deeper against him, relaxed but ready to react to any threat.
Her hair smelled like strawberries. So innocent for such a badass. He smiled and nuzzled her hair. "That must have been a serious blow to his delusions of grandeur. Total impotence."
"Hence the sex rampage and Satan Jr., I guess."
"So how come you can touch her if Satan Jr. can't? You're half Satan."
She shrugged. "I would guess I didn't inherit Satan's true evilness. Mona is in no danger from me, and she knows it. Satan Jr. inherited the gold aura thing, I didn't. Hopefully, I managed to bypass most of those truly Satan-esque attributes."
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