"Actually, your dad told us about you."
"Liar!" He shot a bolt of flame at them, and they both ducked, barely missing being incinerated. There was a loud whoosh behind them and she glanced behind her as the contents of the Dumpster erupted in a tower of conflagration. What was with all these flame-throwing people in her life these days? Derek was the only one who didn't need a fire extinguisher hanging around his neck.
"My father doesn't speak of me!" Satan Jr. bellowed. "You lie!"
"Excellent plan to bring up daddy," Derek whispered. "It's not like he's sensitive about that or anything."
She glared at him. "You have a better idea?"
"Maybe." Derek took a step forward and raised his voice. "I've met Satan and he isn't nearly the man you are."
"Damn right he isn't. Have you seen what he's done with hell? Total disgrace. He needs an infusion of modern thinking." Satan Jr. kept the gun aimed at them, but he didn't pull the trigger. "So, you're the Guardian," he said, studying Justine with a lurid interest that made her skin crawl. "It's about time I got to see what you looked like." He gave her a thoroughly male appraisal that made her want to shoot his eyeballs out right then and there.
With an impressive display of self-restraint, she folded her arms over her chest. "You stopped us on purpose? You knew we were the ones in the car?"
"Of course, yes." He rolled his eyes. "You killed Wendy. I don't have time to make another deal, and to be honest, I'm tired of you screwing up my partnerships."
Derek frowned "But how did you know where we were?"
"I have a tracking device on all LaValle men. I've spent far too many years waiting for one of you to find the Goblet, since I haven't had any success finding the blasted thing. It's about time you located it." He aimed the tip of the flamethrower toward Justine. "I'm tired of playing games. Hand over the Goblet."
She pointed her gun at him. "You know I can't."
"Of course you can." His gaze dropped to her chest and then returned to her face. "Hand it over, and then when you end up in hell after I kill you, I'll make you my love slave. Put you up in a nice house, and all that stuff. It'd be a great deal for you."
Justine's belly roiled in disgust. "I appreciate the offer, but I already have my own plans for ensuring an eternity that doesn't suck."
Satan Jr.'s gaze flicked toward Derek. "Him? That worthless mortal?"
"I'm in your plans?" Derek whispered, his breath deliciously warm against her earlobe.
"He's not really mortal anymore," she told Satan Jr. as she glared at Derek to be quiet.
"What? He drank from Desdemona's Temptation?" At Justine's nod, Satan Jr. screeched and sent a burst of flame over their heads. "It's not fair! Everyone gets to drink from that Goblet except me! Life is so not fair!"
"Your dad didn't get to drink from her," Derek pointed out.
Satan Jr. looked thoughtful. "True." He aimed the gun at Justine's chest. "Hand it over."
"I can't," she said again. "You know that."
The gun pointed toward Derek. "You can hand it over. If you kill her and give it to me, and help me take over the throne by tomorrow, I'll release the LaValles from the Curse."
Her gut tensed, and she tightened her grip on her gun, looking sharply at Derek. It was everything he wanted. How could he turn it down?
"I'm not really the bloodthirsty type," Derek said after a moment. "I was hoping for a deal."
Relief, heat and something else flooded her body and her gun dropped to her side. Her gaze blurred for a second, and she blinked several times to clear her vision. Satan Jr. had just offered him exactly what he wanted, but Derek had turned it down. God, what a guy, right?
"I like deals. What kind of deal?" Satan Jr. asked.
"Undo the Curse, and I'll get your dad to make you heir to the throne of hell. Isn't that your end goal?"
Satan Jr. narrowed his eyes. "Why should I believe you? What leverage do you have on him?"
"We have access to something he wants more than the Goblet," Justine said, thinking of her mom.
"You lie. There's nothing he wants more." But he looked interested, and the nose of the flamethrower dipped about an inch.
"Oh, but there is. You think Carl betrayed you on his own? Satan interfered because he craved something more than the Goblet," Justine said. "And we have access to it."
"What? He interfered? Son of a bitch!" Satan Jr. hurled the flamethrower to the asphalt. "He refuses to acknowledge me, then the minute I start to make a success of myself, he interferes!" He stomped around on the street, kicked a fire hydrant, then added a howl of agony to his litany of complaints. He grabbed his flamethrower and tried to set the hydrant on fire. "Argh!" He finally whirled around and shot a tree, which obligingly went up in a fiery blaze. He pointed his weapon at Derek. "Do you know he won't even admit I'm his son?"
"He admitted it to us," Derek said. "That's how we knew about you."
"You lie."
"Swear."
Satan Jr. stared at him for a long moment then kicked at a stray newspaper that was still burning. "He's still a son of a bitch."
"Agreed," Derek said. "Do we have a deal? We get him to claim you're a great kid and you take back the Curse?"
Satan Jr. narrowed his eyes. "Deal." He fastened a hard gaze on them. "But if you publicly embarrass me by dumping a pitcher of water over my head and making me melt to the carpet in front of all the girls, I will personally kill you."
Derek lifted his eyebrows, but he nodded. "No water."
"We promise." Was this really going to be this easy? Two hundred years of Derek's ancestors being murdered, and all that was needed was a conversation? Apparently, communication was super underrated when it came to leaders of hell and eternal damnation. Justine raised her voice. "Mom? Can you please come here?"
Derek gave her a bland look that she suspected was masking his surprise at this latest Otherworld talent. "Your mom can hear you calling, and she'll just pop on up?"
"Yep." All in all, he'd done quite an impressive job handling the events of the last few days. He would have a future in the Otherworld, if he survived the Curse and her sword.
Which he wouldn't.
Sigh.
No. No sigh. She was fine with it. She had to be. It was her job. Her destiny. Get over it.
Derek eyed Satan Jr. "Can you do any weird stuff?"
"Lots of it. You need to read my bio." He unzipped his jumpsuit and pulled a business card out from the waistband of his shiny gold briefs. "Just scan the QR Code with your phone, and it will take you to my website. You can see my list of accomplishments. I've done some great work with some of the gangs in Los Angeles. Lots of death and dismemberment."
Derek took the card and flipped it over. "I see you have some of your highlights here?"
"Yep. That first one? Twenty-three dead and six injured. Three of them were even innocent bystanders, and I still got them to sell their soul to me before they died." He puffed his chest out and smacked it with his palm.
At that moment, a high-pitched ringing filled the air, and Satan Jr. whipped the flamethrower back up, turning in circles and shooting at the air, shouting that he would not be taken alive.
"Satan Jr.! Chill! It's just my mom!"
"Oh." He let the weapon drop. "I knew that."
Whatever. Iris shimmered into view, wearing a black lace teddy and nothing else. "Justine? Where are we?"
"An abandoned city street outside New York at three-thirty in the morning having a negotiation with Satan Jr." She eyed her mom's negligee. "Dare I ask what we interrupted?"
"Trust me, I haven't seen him since I walked out." Iris sighed wistfully and stroked the black lace. "He has such nice taste, though."
"Hey, lady." Satan Jr. swaggered up to Iris. "I don't know who you're pining for, but I can make you forget him." He did an Elvis pelvis gyration, with an extra thrust at Iris. "What do you say?"
Iris took one look at him, then patted his cheek fondly. "You remind me so much of Satan.
"
Satan Jr. did another hip thrust that brought him closer to Iris. "You want me, don't you? I can smell your lust."
Iris immediately smacked him through the face. "Don't be obscene. You can't smell my lust."
He howled with rage and showered her with a burst of flame. "You will not reject me! I am the heir to hell!"
The fire faded, and Iris stood there, glaring at him. "You can't burn me up, you dolt. I'm already in the Afterlife. No wonder Satan won't acknowledge you. You'd be quite the embarrassment."
Satan Jr. erupted into howls of rage and tried to set Iris on fire again. And again. And again.
With a sigh, Justine waited until a fresh burst of flames faded and her mom's image emerged from the smoke again. "Mom. You're really not helping the situation."
"What situation dear?" She eyed Satan Jr. "Shoot me again and I'll make it rain all over you."
Satan Jr. whimpered and shot a glance up at the clear sky.
"Can she do that?" Derek asked.
"Not that I know of, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything," Justine whispered. She raised her voice. "Mom, I need a deal. Agree to go on another date with Satan if he'll acknowledge his son."
"And make me heir," Satan Jr. said. "And tell everyone I'm great."
Iris's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "You're going to barter off my body to fix the mistakes you made, against my good advice?"
Well…it didn't sound that great when phrased that way. "I'm asking for your help to save Mona."
Iris shook her head. "Sorry. No can do."
Justine blinked. "No can…what? Why not?"
"It's a real plethora of reasons, honey." Iris held up her index finger. "One, I've officially cut Satan off, and I'm not allowing him back into my life." She held up two fingers. "Two, I'm retired. Three, Mona is your responsibility now. Four, I'm a great mom, which means I know when it's time to let you step up and fight your own battles. That time is now. I believe in you. Make it happen."
Whoa. That was not an acceptable response at all. "You got cheated out of your Guardian retirement benefits because you got a dishonorable discharge, Mom. Doesn't that bother you?"
Iris frowned. "Of course it does—"
"And because of that, you didn't even get to write the Treatise, which everyone knows should have been yours."
Irritation flashed in Iris's eyes. "That did piss me off. Still does, actually. I'm a freaking brilliant writer."
"I know!" Justine moved closer. "You and me, Mom. We can save Mona from Satan and Satan Jr. It's your chance for redemption—"
"Hello? Did everyone forget I'm here?" Satan Jr. waved the flamethrower. "Who is this woman and why is she talking about my dad like she knows him? There's only one woman Satan belongs with and that's my mom."
The three of them exchanged glances. It might not be the best plan to tell Satan Jr. that his mom had been one of a string of conquests when Satan had been on his post-Iris-breakup-sex-rampage, and that the love of his life was actually Iris, right?
Derek cleared his throat. "Iris is Satan's head recruiter."
Head recruiter? He couldn't think of something cleverer than that? Her mom was much more badass than that.
"Recruiter?" Satan Jr. eyed Iris. "I'll have to fire you when I take over hell."
"Yeah, you go right ahead and try that." She gave Justine a meaningful glance. "I'll get Satan." Then she dissolved.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Iris returned with Satan in less than a minute. Satan's hand was on its way down the front of Iris's lingerie when they appeared.
"Scum sucking bastard pig!" Satan Jr. screeched and immediately lit his dad on fire.
"Embarrassing reproductive fail!" Satan zapped his son with a blaze that turned his gold jumpsuit into a ball of fire.
Iris, Justine, and Derek eased back a few feet, and Justine kinda wished she'd brought a couple fire extinguishers with them.
The flames subsided after a moment, and both men were still standing. The only evidence of the flame war was Satan Jr.'s hair, which was a little charbroiled. How did they even do that?
"Why aren't you burned to a wimpy pile of ash?" Satan demanded. "You obviously didn't inherit my supreme skill with fire, since you resort to using a flame thrower like an impotent mortal."
Satan Jr. narrowed his eyes. "I use flame retardant fabrics because I am brilliant and have the brain of a genius."
"Flame retardant fabrics to make up for your pathetic lack of usefulness?" Satan cocked his head. "That is surprisingly good thinking."
Satan Jr. blinked. "What?"
"What? That was too complex for you to grasp?" Satan rolled his eyes at Iris. "The unacknowledged bastard-of-my-loins tries my well-admired patience. I am delighted to declare him beyond useless. Come, let us depart and invent new ways to engage in oral sex acts."
"Remember our deal," Iris said softly.
"Our deal." Satan gave a longing gleam at her mother's breasts that was too much for Justine to deal with. "Do you hear my heartfelt sigh? You ask for so much, my love muffin."
Okay, that was too much. Justine tapped her dad on the shoulder. "I changed my mind. The deal you made with my mom is off. Make one with me instead."
He raised a brow. "What do you want?"
"Acknowledge Satan Jr. Tell him he's great and mean it. Have a birthday party for him. Set him up on some dates."
A sneer lifted one corner of his mouth. "Why should I?"
She turned to Satan Jr. "And if he does, you have to swear off Mona and drop the Curse."
He hoisted the gun up and rested it on his shoulder. "I already said I would. I want the throne though."
"Be happy with an acknowledgement and shut up. He's not abdicating." Justine walked back to Satan. "I'll acknowledge you as my father if you do this."
Satan laughed. "I don't need your acknowledgement."
That stopped Justine. "But I thought—"
"You thought what? That the leader of hell could not function without the approval of his only daughter? I am Satan. Why would I ever need anyone's approval for anything? I laugh at your naiveté. Hah. Hahaha. Hah."
Justine narrowed her eyes. "You suck."
Satan bowed. "Thank you. I accept your apology."
Derek stepped forward. "You can have my soul."
What?
Satan grinned immediately. "That would be lovely. I hear you're a good warrior. I could make good use of you. Plus, Iris's daughter likes you. You could be quite the bargaining tool."
"Derek!" Justine grabbed his arm. "You can't give him your soul! That would make you his servant."
"I want his soul," Satan Jr. announced. "And, scum sucking bastard pig? I want you to allow me to bring all the souls I've harvested into hell."
Satan swung around to face his son. "You have harvested souls?"
Satan Jr. flexed his arms and made his pectoral muscles wiggle. "Almost five hundred thousand."
The leader of hell looked stunned. "But you have no affiliation with hell. You have no authority to harvest souls on behalf of my kingdom."
Satan Jr. shrugged. "People don't realize that at the time."
"So you lie to them in their moment of death?" Satan asked.
"Of course."
He tilted his head. "And you offer eternal bargains you can't fulfill because you do not actually represent hell, and yet they will be trapped by them forever?"
"Yep."
Satan inched closer to his son. "And then you trap their pathetically stupid souls in some empty void of nothing because you have nowhere to put them?"
"You got it."
"Huh." Satan rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Do you also torture them excessively and with great vigor and enthusiasm?"
Satan Jr. snorted. "Of course I do. What's the point in having them if I don't? Tortured souls are the only ones worth having."
Satan's eyes began to gleam. "One more question. Have you harvested any innocent souls that would have gone to heaven were it not for your
deceitful and rude interference in their lives?"
Satan Jr. nodded. "Almost ten percent. I have to torture those the most, obviously. They'll be no good in hell if they're still clean."
"Hot damn, my beloved sperm failure!" Satan gave a full dimple grin and clapped Satan Jr. on the shoulder. "I had no idea you were so talented, my much-hated illegitimate cherub." He slung his arm around Satan Jr.'s shoulder and beamed at the group. "Did you hear what he did? Half a million souls with no training and nothing to barter with. I knew he was my son!"
At Satan's declaration of acknowledgement, relief rushed through Justine and she grinned at Derek. He gave her a quick nod of victory and even Iris looked pleased by the bonding.
Satan beamed at Satan Jr. "We are best friends, now! Is good, yes?"
"No. It's not good. You tried to kill me every time we met, and then you banished me from the Afterlife." Satan Jr. pulled away from Satan. "You've denied I'm your son since I was born."
"Of course I did!" Satan looked delighted. "It drove you to accomplish great things." He beamed at Iris. "I am the best father in the Afterlife. No wonder you had me sire your daughter." He slugged Satan Jr. on the shoulder. "You can have a job as my head harvester. How about that? It has been vacant since I killed the last one, but I bequeath this position of great honor and entitlement to you."
"But I hate you and want to destroy you and your kingdom," Satan Jr. said with a frown.
Justine's elation began to fade. "It's a great offer."
"Take it." Derek moved up behind Satan Jr. and eased the flamethrower off his shoulder.
"Your hate makes me so happy." Satan grinned. "What father would not be proud of your hostile attitude? Brilliant I am, for rejecting you for two hundred years and forcing you to become the man you are. We shall harvest souls and seduce women together!" Iris cleared her throat, and Satan blanched. "Well, you can seduce women. I will assist you."
Satan Jr. noticed Derek trying to take his flamethrower and yanked the weapon out of his reach with a scowl. "How badly do you want me, Dad?"
Satan flung out his arms as if inviting his son to leap into his embrace. "You are my son! There is no degree. It is absolute."
"Then I spurn your offer and everything you stand for. I reject you as you rejected me. I will destroy your kingdom before your eyes."
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