"Sure it does." Theresa slammed her tail into the other two and sent them crashing into the wall. "See? They won't bother us for a few minutes."
The pirate groaned and rolled onto his side, but the businessman was already fumbling for his phone.
Quincy stepped over the pirate. "Justine told us last night how Satan Jr. bragged that he harvests souls all the time, telling them he has the authority to deal, even though he doesn't. Remember when he said that?"
"Yeah, so he lies," Derek said. "What's your point?"
Quin paced the room, his hands flying with excitement. "So, what if he's lying about the Curse? What if he claims he can curse, but he can't?"
"Then why are we all dying?"
Justine's right arm was starting to tremble, so she added her other hand to the sword to make sure she kept it against Derek's throat. She had to kill him. Could she kill him? She had to. She had to. Unless they got a miracle.
She wanted a miracle.
"This is ridiculous." The businessman put his iPhone in his pocket and stood up. "Guardian, it is time to leave."
"Let the math geek talk," the pirate said. "I want to hear this theory."
Quin stopped in front of Derek. "Didn't you say that Satan Jr. enjoys watching us all die?"
"Yeah, so?"
"So what if he's showing up and doing the murdering himself? Maybe there's no curse. It's only Satan Jr. and the tracking device he already admitted he uses on us."
The pirate whistled softly. "He could be onto something."
"It's possible." Justine clenched her teeth and tried to keep the sword from dropping from Derek's neck. Derek looked like he could go on for hours, and her arm was about to fall off. "He's slimy enough to do it."
Derek glanced at her, noticed her trembling arm, then sighed. "Why didn't you say you were getting tired?" He dropped his sword and then took hers. "We'll call a truce until we get this settled." He pulled her against him so he could rub her trembling biceps. "Why are you so stubborn?"
She leaned into him. "Because I refuse to be bested by a mortal."
"But I'm not mortal anymore, am I?"
The businessman perked up. "Not mortal?" He pulled his iPhone back out and began typing furiously. The pirate peered over his shoulder to inspect what he was entering.
Quin wasn't finished. "I ran some equations on the Curse, and it doesn't compute. It's not legit. I think the whole thing is a scam."
A scam? Two hundred years of a scam?
"Can you prove it?" Derek asked.
"My math is flawless." Quin sounded quite offended. "Though I haven't had time to recheck my work as thoroughly as I would prefer, given the lethal repercussions of this particular situation."
Derek rubbed his chin on Justine's head. "So, we could set a trap for Satan Jr., then incapacitate him when he shows up. If I don't die, then we know there's no Curse. If I do, then your math was wrong."
"Then we both die." Quincy sighed. "Maybe it's not worth the risk. Killing her would be the safest option for us." He turned away and slammed his fist into the wall.
"If Derek dies, Quincy will still have two minutes to try to kill Justine and steal Mona to break the Curse," Theresa said. "I vote against the plan. Behead them both now, girlfriend."
"Yes, kill them." Toupee guy was back with charred ends littering his head.
Derek picked up the sword and handed it back to her. "Or we can battle it out now."
She looked at the blade. "That's the low risk alternative. Highest likelihood of success for both of us."
"Yes, it is," he agreed. He raised his sword.
"Behead him," toupee guy said.
"Do it," Theresa sighed.
"I wish I had more time," Quincy muttered. "I really think this Curse is a sham."
The business suit guy took notes and said nothing.
"Interesting," said the pirate.
Justine raised her sword. "I have no choice."
"I know." He lifted his to meet hers. "Let's do it."
Chapter Forty-Three
The room was so still Derek could hear the crackling of the old man's burned toupee.
Blades up.
Ready.
He met Justine's gaze, and he knew what he had to do. He'd lost the ability to choose long ago. "Justine?"
She nodded once, adjusted her grip on her sword.
He did the same, then blew her a kiss.
She tightened her lips, and then they both swung at the same time.
He slammed the butt of his sword into the back of toupee guy's head, Justine smashed hers into the businessman's gut, and Theresa screeched with delight and pounced on the pirate.
Quincy stood in the middle, looking startled.
"You'll regret this," the business man gasped. "This won't look good in the report."
Pirate guy grinned up at them from under Theresa's tail. "Can I help?"
Fifty-seven minutes later, they were ready.
A bunch of pillows were shoved under the covers on Derek's bed, a reasonable facsimile of him buried under the blankets.
Derek himself was under the bed. Assuming Quincy's theory was correct, they were hoping that Satan Jr.'s locating device would track Derek to the bed, and Satan Jr. wouldn't take the time to assess whether the lump under the covers was really Derek or not. He'd see the lump, assume the obvious, and decapitate the pillows while the rest of the group took him out.
If Satan Jr. didn't fall for it, Derek was dead because he was trapped under the bed with nothing but a two-gallon squirt gun. Or if there really was a Curse, the pillow decoy wouldn't work either.
Everyone was in place, and now all there was left was to wait.
Justine was in the closet, only a few feet from Derek's bed, armed for her key role with her cigarette lighter and walkie talkie.
She shifted position for the umpteenth time, then peered through the hole in the closet door, and wondered how Derek was doing under the bed.
Less than three minutes until he was supposed to die.
Derek dead.
She so did not like that concept.
She drummed her fingers on the wall, shifted again, then gave up and opened the door.
"Stay in the closet." His whisper was so low she could barely hear him
"No. Kill me." She kicked a sword at him across the floor. "Just do it."
He stuck his head out from under the bed. "No."
"You have to! I can't sit here and watch you die."
A small smile curved his lips and softened his eyes. "Then sit there and help me catch him."
"What happened to you wanting to kill me?"
"I can't kill a woman who loves my crooked penis. Where will I find another woman like you?"
"It's not crooked. It's slightly curved."
"And you love it."
"Maybe." Oh, who was she kidding? It wasn't his penis. It wasn't even the fact he was ready to kill her. She simply loved him. Him and all he was. What other reason could possibly justify the fact she had two thirds of the Council hogtied and gagged in the bathroom? Even if Derek lived, her soul was a lost cause. And her mom's, she was so sure. "Derek, I can't let you die."
His grin got bigger. "Go back in the closet. We have just over a minute."
She scowled at him. "If you die, I will personally kick your ass."
"As long as you avoid the Chamber, you can kick anything of mine you want." Then his face tensed. "Did you hear that? The ceiling's creaking. He's here."
Maybe it was Satan Jr. Or maybe it was the Curse taking its inevitable action. Her gut dropped and she grabbed the sword and held the handle toward him. "Behead me. I can't let you die."
"Forget it, Justine. I'm not killing you. I believe in Quin. We're going to catch Satan Jr. and end this." He scooted out of sight. "We can argue later, but if this is going to work, you have to go back in the closet. That's how you can save me."
She took a deep breath. He was right. She was a Guardian. She could handle this.
&nb
sp; "Go!"
"I'm going." She ducked back into the closet and hit her walkie talkie. "Game on."
"Right-O," said Jerome, the pirate guy. Now that he was on their side, he got to be called by his real name.
She held her breath and watched the timer on her phone count down. Five seconds.
She stood up on the foot stool and flicked the lighter on, holding it next to the smoke sensor.
Four.
Three.
Two.
One.
The ceiling collapsed and crushed the bed.
The sprinkler system went on.
The fire alarm sounded.
Someone screamed. And didn't stop. It was even worse than Satan's screaming when he had the temper tantrum. "I'm melting, you pigs! How could you do this to me? You will all die for this!"
"Let me burn him up," Theresa shouted. "Please, let me do it!"
"Get back," Jerome yelled. "I have water balloons! We have to make sure he can't revive!"
Justine leapt out of the closet, pumping her water cannon at Derek's bed. On the comforter was a gold jumpsuit with a melted, gelatinous Satan Jr. oozing out of it and onto the plastic tarp on the floor.
She stopped, shocked by the gruesome sight of her brother turning into goo while Theresa, Jerome, and Quincy hammered him with water. "You're so gross."
"You suck as a sister!" he screamed. "I hate you and your ugly-ass mortal boyfriend!" Then Theresa shoved a water balloon in his mouth, and his jaw melted right off, which was disturbingly satisfying to witness.
"He's ours now," Theresa said. "God, this feels even better than burning someone up. I fucking love this! We need to break Curses more often!"
The Curse. Had they beaten it? "Derek? Are you okay?"
He didn't answer.
The mattress was buried under several feet of plaster, a coffee table, and a grand piano from the apartment above. The glass from a coffee table was sticking out of the mattress, having cleanly beheaded the pillow.
If Derek had been in the bed, he'd be dead now. But was he dead anyway? Alarm raced through her and she knelt down. "Derek? Talk to me!" She shoved aside some picture books and an ottoman and stuck her head under the bed. "Derek?"
He was lying there.
Not moving.
His eyes closed.
Her heart seized up, like a vise in her chest. "Derek! If you're messing with me, I swear I'll behead you without a second thought!" She grabbed his wrist, but before she could feel for a pulse, he grabbed her hand and looked up, grinning at her.
She gaped at him, her heart almost leaping out of her chest. "You faked it?"
"I had to make sure it was safe for me to be alive, first. You guys got him? Jerome's on board?"
She nodded, unable to keep the smile from stretching over her face. "Yes to all of the above."
"So, we did it? Saved us all?"
"Looks that way."
"Hot damn, woman. Have I told you lately that I love you?"
Her smile widened. "You've implied it, but no, you haven't actually said it, not even once."
"Well, shit. I love you."
She grinned. "I love you too, pretzel king."
"Kiss me, you fool. We've got an eternity of lovemaking ahead of us. Let's get started."
She laughed. "My brother is in a puddle all over the floor. It's not that romantic."
He frowned. "Yeah, good point. A kiss then?"
"A kiss works." She smiled and let him pull her underneath the bed.
Chapter Forty-Four
Justine fidgeted with her new suit, courtesy of Derek's favorite tailor and a special import of Italian fabrics. On an unbreakable magic cord around her neck, underneath her high-necked silk blouse, was Mona, currently masquerading as a three-inch crystal flask filled with clear, sparkly gel. Justine was nervous as hell being out in the open with her, but with Theresa in the courtroom with her, there was no one to watch her.
So, she was on edge, armed with sixteen different weapons, and moments away from learning what her future would soon entail.
Iris, Theresa, Quincy, and Derek were sitting in the reserved seats at the front of the courtroom. Satan had been given a special visitor pass after providing proof of parentage, but he was still surrounded by six guards carrying bazookas filled with purified water. His arms were folded over his chest, and he looked extremely cranky.
He hadn't spoken to any of them, including Iris, since they'd melted Satan Jr. into a puddle and stuck him in the freezer so he couldn't reform, which actually sort of bummed Justine out.
She was kind of proud of her accomplishments, and it would have been nice to have her own dad tell her what a great job she'd done. It made her a little more sympathetic to why her brother had turned into a sociopathic, soul-stealing, lying, maladjusted murderer.
Family. Yeeash. It was so complicated.
Derek smiled at her, and her heart leapt. She might have lost her newfound brother and alienated her newfound dad, but she'd found the piece of her soul that had been missing her whole life.
She'd learned how to love, and that was the greatest gift of all.
And now, she was about to find out if she was going to lose that too, because there was a door at the back of the courtroom that was lettered in gold: Chamber of Unspeakable Horrors, Created by Satan.
Toupee guy had pointed to it several times in his speech. At least he hadn't had time to get a new hairpiece and looked ridiculous wearing his half-burned rug, right? That had to adversely affect his credibility, she hoped.
Justine had presented her case.
Theresa had testified on her behalf, but Derek had been banned.
The businessman and the old man had recommended eternal torture for her, and hell for her mom.
They were down to one last speech.
The head of the council, Isabella Marcellini, looked at Jerome. "You have something to add?"
The pirate stood up, straightened his eye patch and strode into the center of the room. "This incident shows that guarding Desdemona's Temptation is no longer a one-person job. Satan Jr. was a legitimate threat and it took a team to uncover it and take him down."
"An entire team," Satan said proudly. "My son is quite the badass, is he not? No training, and it still took a whole team to melt him. Imagine what he will do with more experience?"
Iris glared at him. "Ssh!"
Satan refused to look at Iris, but he shut his mouth.
Justine took a deep breath and tried to slow her heart rate. They'd done everything they could. Her speech had been great, she'd cited many clauses in the Treatise, and now Jerome was closing it out.
But even if she was spared, what would they do with Derek? He was immortal now, and he wasn't supposed to be.
"If Satan speaks again, shoot him." Isabella was well known for her conservative and ruthless views, and she was in a particularly bad mood because she'd had to delay her vacation for a day due to the temporary incapacitation of certain Council members who had been tied up in Derek's bathroom.
"Justine showed excellent instincts by recruiting a worthy staff to assist her and by breaking rules so she would be able to save Desdemona's Temptation," Jerome continued. "She succeeded in keeping the Goblet safe against a powerful enemy. In my opinion, that is the most important factor to consider. I recommend that we create a Guardian job family. Promote Justine Bennett to Head Guardian, and assign Derek LaValle as Assistant Guardian. The dragon can continue to be Justine's successor, and Quincy LaValle can be Derek's successor."
Quincy stood up. "I respectfully decli—"
Theresa and Derek yanked him down. Theresa smacked him with her tail and gave Isabella a sweet smile. "He accepts. Please, go on."
"In addition," Jerome said. "I recommend you assign the retired Guardian, Iris Bennett, to update the Treatise to reflect a more useful and modern rule system. She will work with the current Guardian and the Council to redefine the rules. As a Guardian who failed partially due to the outdated Treatise,
I believe she should be given this honor to redeem herself. If she succeeds, I recommend we present her case again to consider reinstating Guardian benefits."
Iris let out a small gasp and clapped her hand over her mouth.
Justine grinned. They hadn't told Iris that part of Jerome's proposal.
Then she realized Jerome had returned to his chair.
He was finished.
It was now in Isabella's conservative, ruthless hands. The room was silent, and everyone was staring at Isabella as she read her notes and conferred with her assistant.
Even Satan was silent. Waiting.
As the silence dragged on, Justine's adrenaline faded. The Otherworld didn't evolve. It didn't become modern.
Isabella surveyed the room. "I have made a decision. Guardian, please stand."
Oh, God. It was time. She already knew what she was going to say? How could she have decided that quickly? She glanced in alarm at Derek, but he just smiled and nodded at her.
Slowly, she stood up, her heart pounding. A guard moved toward the door to the Chamber, a key dangling from his hand. Oh. God.
Isabella cleared her throat. "I agree with Jerome's recommendations."
Justine gasped in shock, and tears filled her eyes. She agreed? With which parts?
"The Guardian showed creativity and competence fighting Satan Jr. I commend her. She will not be sent to the Chamber."
Justine's knees gave out and she sank down into her chair. "No Chamber?" she whispered, as Derek, her mom, Theresa, Jerome, and Quincy all started cheering.
The guard with the key scowled and sat back down.
Isabella ignored the gallery, instead continuing to address the Council. "Furthermore, Derek LaValle has proven his competence to protect the Goblet, and it is clear he and Justine Bennett work well together. I support Jerome's recommendations on the Guardian job family and appoint Derek and Quincy LaValle to their respective positions, effective immediately."
Derek let out a whoop of joy, while Theresa shoved Quincy to the floor as he started to protest. Justine grinned at Derek. A team? Forever? Yes.
"However," Isabella continued, "Justine should have consulted the Council for permission prior to involving the LaValles, so I suspend her and Derek from Guardian duties for two months, also effective immediately."
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